LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > Dating

Waiting for Marriage Before Sex...In His Forties


Dating Dating, courting, or going steady? Things not working out the way you had hoped? Stand up on your soap box and let us know what's going on!

Like Tree130Likes
 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 10th December 2017, 10:57 AM   #1
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2017
Location: Texas
Posts: 157
Waiting for Marriage Before Sex...In His Forties

Hello all!

I'm curious as to your opinion on this interesting turn of events.

I have gone on three wonderful dates with a new man. He is 46, and I am 36. This man became a devout Christian in his thirties, and, about five years ago, he decided that he wanted to practice his religion as best he can. This includes what I can only describe as a second virginity. He now is waiting for marriage to have sex again. He also will not sleep in bed with a woman.

He is an extraordinarily kind person who loves animals and cares for his aging mother. That said, I don't know if I'm willing to wait for a possible marriage to have sex--or at least have someone with whom I can snuggle at night.

How would y'all handle this situation?

Thank you!!
Lamartine is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10th December 2017, 11:20 AM   #2
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 52
You said he wouldn't sleep in bed with a woman and no sex before marriage. I'm going assume foreplay is out of th equation either right? Which left you with the basic affectionate gestures...

I was similar in your shoes somewhat. I'm 36 and was dating a guy who was 46. He told me he didn't want to have sex until we have a mental and emotional connections. At least he was a bit more flexible than your guy. He wanted something long term which at first I thought.." Wow, this guy is a true gentleman..after dating for a month, and seeing each other 3 time weekly he finally feel he was ready. Let me tell you...he was the worst lover I ever had in my life ( or not sexual compatible).. If you find sex is important to you..this will be a situation you'll have to gamble with and ask yourself if it worth it. He's is getting older and who knows WHEN he's want to get marry. What happened you waited and he doesn't turn out to be the lover you wanted? Plus something to considered too.. If someone can go that long without sex eventually they are accostume to no sex or less sex when it happen. You going to still have your sex drive and he might not meet your sex drive expectation.

If this was me and coming from prior experience I have..I would cut my loss and find someone you can at least fullfilled most of your needs as a women. Not able to sleep in the same bed?! That's a bit much/extreme..
Lphan301 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10th December 2017, 11:22 AM   #3
Established Member
 
alphamale's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Detroit, MI :lmao:
Posts: 33,208
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lamartine View Post
How would y'all handle this situation?
I would move on to the next person
__________________
Indeed
alphamale is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10th December 2017, 11:41 AM   #4
Established Member
 
CautiouslyOptimistic's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 4,159
It can be done. One of my best friends (devout Christian) just got married at age 46 as a virgin. An actual virgin, too!

But with that said, it sounds like you might just not be compatible in this area if you don't hold this same belief/value.

Are differing religious beliefs causing any other issues?
CautiouslyOptimistic is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10th December 2017, 11:52 AM   #5
Established Member
 
caveman621's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Central VA
Posts: 282
I can tell you, from painful experience, sex is not ALL there is to a relationship, but it is a big part. I'm not questioning his values or Christianity. This is MY personal opinion, born of MY life experience.

Marrying someone without ever having sex with them is a bad idea. I think you should have sex at least, say, ten times. Sometimes the first time doesn't go too well just due to nerves, so it might take awhile for the parties to be comfortable with each other.

But, even if ALL OTHER parts of your relationship are great, if one or the other party is unhappy with the physical aspects of the relationship, it WILL cause friction and possible divorce.
caveman621 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10th December 2017, 12:16 PM   #6
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 4,776
Quote:
Originally Posted by CautiouslyOptimistic View Post
Are differing religious beliefs causing any other issues?
This would be my question...
BaileyB is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10th December 2017, 12:54 PM   #7
Established Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 47,766
Quote:
Originally Posted by alphamale View Post
I would move on to the next person
Having been such a guy in my past life, I think this is good advice.

Quote:
Originally Posted by caveman621 View Post
I can tell you, from painful experience, sex is not ALL there is to a relationship, but it is a big part. I'm not questioning his values or Christianity. This is MY personal opinion, born of MY life experience.
Said every guy in a sexless marriage, ever

Quote:
Marrying someone without ever having sex with them is a bad idea. I think you should have sex at least, say, ten times. Sometimes the first time doesn't go too well just due to nerves, so it might take awhile for the parties to be comfortable with each other.
Yup, even if not the be-all and end-all, it defines a major difference in a hetero relationship between that dynamic and a guy and his guy friends. Sexual intimacy is huge for most guys. For some it's their primary way of expressing love. For this guy, who knows.


Quote:
But, even if ALL OTHER parts of your relationship are great, if one or the other party is unhappy with the physical aspects of the relationship, it WILL cause friction and possible divorce.

If the guy is lousy/inexperienced/lacking passion or desire in bed, yup. If other, see first response. Plenty of guys stay in sexless marriages because they're chained financially or fearful of the specter of finding another partner.

OP, if you have any questions for someone who did walk this path, at least into his mid-30's, I'll be happy to answer. I did date, did have girlfriends, did get married, did get divorced, even had a few affairs along the way. Plenty of good bad and ugly. All part of life.

Or, as Alpha so succinctly put it, move on to the next guy. Sometimes simpler is better and this is one case where I think this kind of man is unhealthy for you. Don't burden yourself. Good luck!
carhill is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10th December 2017, 1:10 PM   #8
Established Member
 
iVisa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 77
It is up to you. Is this part of life very important? Can you imagine it?
__________________
If I made any grammatical errors, please let me know.


iVisa is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10th December 2017, 2:35 PM   #9
Established Member
 
Ruby Slippers's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: in the moment
Posts: 9,594
I think it would only work if you're in the same mindset, and you don't seem to be.

No one is wrong - you're just different.

I respect his thinking. But for me, sex is a big part of a romantic relationship. My man is the only person I have sex with, so we have to be compatible there. While you can get hints in advance, you have no idea how it's really going to be until you do it. So unless sex isn't that important to you, it's a big gamble.
Ruby Slippers is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10th December 2017, 2:40 PM   #10
Established Member
 
smackie9's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Surrey BC Canada
Posts: 12,847
If you were as much of a devout Christian as he is, this wouldn't be an issue.....but it is. Not only this waiting for sex before marriage is not your cup of tea, I'm sure other things about his beliefs are going to interrupt the relationship.
Even tho he is a nice guy....he is perfect for someone who has same belief system, and that isn't you.

Move on.
__________________

You are a fool if you believe that having each others passwords = trust.
smackie9 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10th December 2017, 3:38 PM   #11
Established Member
 
Sunlight72's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: A little mountain town in Colorado, US
Posts: 414
I generally agree with the sentiments here, however, there is another part of this that hasn't been mentioned yet.

I seriously dated the love of my life for 3.5 years (we ultimately split over parenting differences, as she has two boys), and were engaged for a short time.

She is Christian, in the beautifully kind and generous way. On our second date she told me she would not have sex (I can't recall if she said until marriage or just for a long time). We had not yet kissed.

I said, "That's fine with me, but if I am in a relationship, there will be hugging, and kissing, and sitting very, very close on the couch. My life is too short to go without affection. I like it too much." Not in a pouty way, just a friendly, neutral statement.

This was near the end of the date, and after a few more minutes I got up to leave and said I would love to see her again, but it would be her call if she wanted to see me. I would just wait to hear from her. This was gentle, and sincere, and I was smiling as I said it because I had enjoyed the evening with her.

I really was content to not see her again, or happy to see her if she wanted.

As I opened the door to leave, she surprised me by appearing like The Flash between me and the door and closing it, and dragging me into her bedroom (!).

We didn't have sex that night (it was too soon for me, and for her too), but we certainly got very close to each other.

Sometimes people need to know how you want to be treated

Also, people's words are a way of trying to express what they feel, but do not always mean quite what you think the words mean.
Sunlight72 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10th December 2017, 4:06 PM   #12
Established Member
 
kendahke's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: 38.978447, -77.018515
Posts: 6,501
That would be a deal breaker for me.

Sexual compatibility is a thing and I'm not waiting until a marriage has taken place to find out whether or not I'm bound to a disappointing sexual partner.

He would be better off finding some woman who is doing this same thing.
__________________
If the person you're with treats you in any way other than well, and you keep sticking around trying to make it work, you're no longer a victim of what they're doing--you're a volunteer. ~ Derrick Jaxn
kendahke is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10th December 2017, 5:58 PM   #13
Established Member
 
sandylee1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 6,137
@

I like your response.
__________________
'Love is giving someone the power to destroy you, but trusting them not to'
sandylee1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10th December 2017, 6:31 PM   #14
Established Member
 
morrowrd's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: the hills of central NY state
Posts: 297
Having been on that side of the spectrum, I can understand the reason why. The moderators around here dislike attacks on religion so they may or may not flag this post.

I believe that to wait, is to risk too much. Personally I think a relationship is truly consummated once the two people are LIVING together and having a sexual relationship. I feel there are occasions where people with sexual hang ups hide the fact behind a religious conviction, and that is unfair to the other person who decides to be with them, and respect their wishes. What happens then, after they marry only to discover a problem or issue that they would have liked to know about before tying the knot. Maybe they're ok with a sexless marriage, or a starvation diet...but it would have been nice to know ahead of time. Marriage is a lifelong commitment, and both involved have a right to their expectations. Sex and affection are big things to give up and if they're not in the cards, that needs to be known not only BEFORE marriage, but before the other person spends precious time (like months or years) setting themselves up for a big disappointment.

I'm not the religious right here, but I was at one time in that world. I know the teachings, I know the language, and I know the guilt and brainwashing that gets in the way of people's choices, especially in that area. So sexual hang-ups aside, one still runs the risk of being sexually incompatible.

Will this guy at least talk about sex with you? Will he be open to disclosing what his expectations are, and to hearing about yours?

Last edited by morrowrd; 10th December 2017 at 6:37 PM..
morrowrd is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10th December 2017, 6:58 PM   #15
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: SE Australia
Posts: 409
I agree with the sentiment of most of the other replies. You're dating a man who despite being a kind and loving person, is not interested in sex or even sleeping in the same bed before marriage. Who knows how long it will take to get to that point? And if you do get married and he turns out to be bad in bed, you're kind of stuck. It's a pretty big risk.

During the entire time before marriage (and who knows how long that time will be), there are needs of yours that aren't being met. If you're willing to put those on hold then sure, keep going but I imagine there are other people out there that might be a better match for you (and for him).
snowboy91 is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Waiting til marriage user101 Dating 11 25th April 2016 10:22 AM
Girlfriend Waiting Until Marriage To Have Sex? Jay779 Dating 5 27th April 2014 8:46 PM
Waiting til Marriage napy666 Getting Married 22 1st August 2013 1:40 AM
Waiting until marriage Amistad Dating 11 21st December 2010 8:59 PM
She's waiting until marriage kashmir Dating 47 23rd January 2009 4:11 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 10:38 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2018 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.