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Waiting for Marriage Before Sex...In His Forties


Lamartine

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Hello all!

 

I'm curious as to your opinion on this interesting turn of events.

 

I have gone on three wonderful dates with a new man. He is 46, and I am 36. This man became a devout Christian in his thirties, and, about five years ago, he decided that he wanted to practice his religion as best he can. This includes what I can only describe as a second virginity. He now is waiting for marriage to have sex again. He also will not sleep in bed with a woman.

 

He is an extraordinarily kind person who loves animals and cares for his aging mother. That said, I don't know if I'm willing to wait for a possible marriage to have sex--or at least have someone with whom I can snuggle at night.

 

How would y'all handle this situation?

 

Thank you!!

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You said he wouldn't sleep in bed with a woman and no sex before marriage. I'm going assume foreplay is out of th equation either right? Which left you with the basic affectionate gestures...

 

I was similar in your shoes somewhat. I'm 36 and was dating a guy who was 46. He told me he didn't want to have sex until we have a mental and emotional connections. At least he was a bit more flexible than your guy. He wanted something long term which at first I thought.." Wow, this guy is a true gentleman..after dating for a month, and seeing each other 3 time weekly he finally feel he was ready. Let me tell you...he was the worst lover I ever had in my life ( or not sexual compatible).. If you find sex is important to you..this will be a situation you'll have to gamble with and ask yourself if it worth it. He's is getting older and who knows WHEN he's want to get marry. What happened you waited and he doesn't turn out to be the lover you wanted? Plus something to considered too.. If someone can go that long without sex eventually they are accostume to no sex or less sex when it happen. You going to still have your sex drive and he might not meet your sex drive expectation.

 

If this was me and coming from prior experience I have..I would cut my loss and find someone you can at least fullfilled most of your needs as a women. Not able to sleep in the same bed?! That's a bit much/extreme..

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CautiouslyOptimistic

It can be done. One of my best friends (devout Christian) just got married at age 46 as a virgin. An actual virgin, too!

 

But with that said, it sounds like you might just not be compatible in this area if you don't hold this same belief/value.

 

Are differing religious beliefs causing any other issues?

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I can tell you, from painful experience, sex is not ALL there is to a relationship, but it is a big part. I'm not questioning his values or Christianity. This is MY personal opinion, born of MY life experience.

 

Marrying someone without ever having sex with them is a bad idea. I think you should have sex at least, say, ten times. Sometimes the first time doesn't go too well just due to nerves, so it might take awhile for the parties to be comfortable with each other.

 

But, even if ALL OTHER parts of your relationship are great, if one or the other party is unhappy with the physical aspects of the relationship, it WILL cause friction and possible divorce.

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I would move on to the next person

 

Having been such a guy in my past life, I think this is good advice.

 

I can tell you, from painful experience, sex is not ALL there is to a relationship, but it is a big part. I'm not questioning his values or Christianity. This is MY personal opinion, born of MY life experience.

 

Said every guy in a sexless marriage, ever ;)

 

Marrying someone without ever having sex with them is a bad idea. I think you should have sex at least, say, ten times. Sometimes the first time doesn't go too well just due to nerves, so it might take awhile for the parties to be comfortable with each other.

Yup, even if not the be-all and end-all, it defines a major difference in a hetero relationship between that dynamic and a guy and his guy friends. Sexual intimacy is huge for most guys. For some it's their primary way of expressing love. For this guy, who knows.

 

 

But, even if ALL OTHER parts of your relationship are great, if one or the other party is unhappy with the physical aspects of the relationship, it WILL cause friction and possible divorce.

 

 

If the guy is lousy/inexperienced/lacking passion or desire in bed, yup. If other, see first response. Plenty of guys stay in sexless marriages because they're chained financially or fearful of the specter of finding another partner.

 

OP, if you have any questions for someone who did walk this path, at least into his mid-30's, I'll be happy to answer. I did date, did have girlfriends, did get married, did get divorced, even had a few affairs along the way. Plenty of good bad and ugly. All part of life.

 

Or, as Alpha so succinctly put it, move on to the next guy. Sometimes simpler is better and this is one case where I think this kind of man is unhealthy for you. Don't burden yourself. Good luck!

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Ruby Slippers

I think it would only work if you're in the same mindset, and you don't seem to be.

 

No one is wrong - you're just different.

 

I respect his thinking. But for me, sex is a big part of a romantic relationship. My man is the only person I have sex with, so we have to be compatible there. While you can get hints in advance, you have no idea how it's really going to be until you do it. So unless sex isn't that important to you, it's a big gamble.

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If you were as much of a devout Christian as he is, this wouldn't be an issue.....but it is. Not only this waiting for sex before marriage is not your cup of tea, I'm sure other things about his beliefs are going to interrupt the relationship.

Even tho he is a nice guy....he is perfect for someone who has same belief system, and that isn't you.

 

Move on.

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I generally agree with the sentiments here, however, there is another part of this that hasn't been mentioned yet.

 

I seriously dated the love of my life for 3.5 years (we ultimately split over parenting differences, as she has two boys), and were engaged for a short time.

 

She is Christian, in the beautifully kind and generous way. On our second date she told me she would not have sex (I can't recall if she said until marriage or just for a long time). We had not yet kissed.

 

I said, "That's fine with me, but if I am in a relationship, there will be hugging, and kissing, and sitting very, very close on the couch. My life is too short to go without affection. I like it too much." Not in a pouty way, just a friendly, neutral statement.

 

This was near the end of the date, and after a few more minutes I got up to leave and said I would love to see her again, but it would be her call if she wanted to see me. I would just wait to hear from her. This was gentle, and sincere, and I was smiling as I said it because I had enjoyed the evening with her.

 

I really was content to not see her again, or happy to see her if she wanted.

 

As I opened the door to leave, she surprised me by appearing like The Flash between me and the door and closing it, and dragging me into her bedroom (!).

 

We didn't have sex that night (it was too soon for me, and for her too), but we certainly got very close to each other.

 

Sometimes people need to know how you want to be treated :)

 

Also, people's words are a way of trying to express what they feel, but do not always mean quite what you think the words mean.

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That would be a deal breaker for me.

 

Sexual compatibility is a thing and I'm not waiting until a marriage has taken place to find out whether or not I'm bound to a disappointing sexual partner.

 

He would be better off finding some woman who is doing this same thing.

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Having been on that side of the spectrum, I can understand the reason why. The moderators around here dislike attacks on religion so they may or may not flag this post.

 

I believe that to wait, is to risk too much. Personally I think a relationship is truly consummated once the two people are LIVING together and having a sexual relationship. I feel there are occasions where people with sexual hang ups hide the fact behind a religious conviction, and that is unfair to the other person who decides to be with them, and respect their wishes. What happens then, after they marry only to discover a problem or issue that they would have liked to know about before tying the knot. Maybe they're ok with a sexless marriage, or a starvation diet...but it would have been nice to know ahead of time. Marriage is a lifelong commitment, and both involved have a right to their expectations. Sex and affection are big things to give up and if they're not in the cards, that needs to be known not only BEFORE marriage, but before the other person spends precious time (like months or years) setting themselves up for a big disappointment.

 

I'm not the religious right here, but I was at one time in that world. I know the teachings, I know the language, and I know the guilt and brainwashing that gets in the way of people's choices, especially in that area. So sexual hang-ups aside, one still runs the risk of being sexually incompatible.

 

Will this guy at least talk about sex with you? Will he be open to disclosing what his expectations are, and to hearing about yours?

Edited by morrowrd
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I agree with the sentiment of most of the other replies. You're dating a man who despite being a kind and loving person, is not interested in sex or even sleeping in the same bed before marriage. Who knows how long it will take to get to that point? And if you do get married and he turns out to be bad in bed, you're kind of stuck. It's a pretty big risk.

 

During the entire time before marriage (and who knows how long that time will be), there are needs of yours that aren't being met. If you're willing to put those on hold then sure, keep going but I imagine there are other people out there that might be a better match for you (and for him).

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OP, since he went religious in his mid-30's and started the celibacy thing only five years ago, what's his marital/sexual history prior? Was he married? Did he have lovers/girlfriends/partners? How did things go?

 

Usually you can tell much about a man's sexual style from his style of physical affection. Either he knows how to dance or he doesn't. How's the non-sexual physical affection?

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OP, since he went religious in his mid-30's and started the celibacy thing only five years ago, what's his marital/sexual history prior? Was he married? Did he have lovers/girlfriends/partners? How did things go?

 

Usually you can tell much about a man's sexual style from his style of physical affection. Either he knows how to dance or he doesn't. How's the non-sexual physical affection?

 

personally this guy sounds like a creep to me

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I had a nice crisp response prepared but I'll follow my training and ask how we would approach this if the genders were switched.

 

There's another thread running about a woman taking it slow and no sex or physical intimacy and the guy is being encouraged to be 'patient'.

 

Double standard? ;)

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I had a nice crisp response prepared but I'll follow my training and ask how we would approach this if the genders were switched.

 

There's another thread running about a woman taking it slow and no sex or physical intimacy and the guy is being encouraged to be 'patient'.

 

Double standard? ;)

 

I think it's apples and oranges...

 

In the other situation, things are progressing slowly but there is the hope that things will continue to progress to physical intimacy.

 

In this situation, ain't nothing happening until they put a ring on it - however long that will be... there is a lot to be said for compatibility when choosing a partner - whether it is financial, religious, or sexual... I don't mind waiting a few dates for someone to be comfortable with physical intimacy. I'm not about to wait for years and marry someone with whom I am unsure about compatibility.

 

My thought with this situation... sexual incompatibility would likely only be one thing that would cause me concern with someone who is devoutly religious (because I am not).

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So, what you're saying here is this guy is cast in stone and can't change his mind but a woman can?

 

Nice try, no bueno, with me anyway. I'll just leave it at that.

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I had a nice crisp response prepared but I'll follow my training and ask how we would approach this if the genders were switched.

 

There's another thread running about a woman taking it slow and no sex or physical intimacy and the guy is being encouraged to be 'patient'.

 

Double standard? ;)

 

Are we comparing it to the thread where the guy has been on four dates and is worried about the lack of sex? If so, I'd say that waiting till you are confident that the relationship has legs is VERY different to waiting for marriage.

 

If the genders were switched and it was a girl waiting for marriage, I'd also encourage the guy to find someone who's beliefs are compatible.

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So, what you're saying here is this guy is cast in stone and can't change his mind but a woman can?

 

Nice try, no bueno, with me anyway. I'll just leave it at that.

 

I just saw your response to Bailey. I don't understand your point. Which guy is cast in stone and which woman can change her mind.

 

If you're talking about guy in this thread, it seems very clear that he has cast himself in stone.

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It does not sound like something you are interested in, so I think you should let him know you respect his position but you are not willing to wait until marriage for intimacy so perhaps you two aren't compatible. In other words, just be honest with him.

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I personally don't think its a good idea to marry someone you haven't slept with or lived with for a while. You are going to be soooo screwed if he turns out to be awful in bed and also to live with. But what do I know..

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