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Concerns about lack of physical intimacy early on


DMVeep

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I’ve been out with this great girl 4 times recently. 1st date was a short drink date. Second date was also a relatively short dinner date 2 hours about. There was only a good bye hug after the first two dates, which concerned me a little. The third date was really fun, we had dinner, went to a comedy show, and went dancing about an 8 hour date which ended with a nice kiss. Fourth date I made dinner and she came to my apartment to watch some Netflix. Initially, she seemed to keep her distance from me but eventually we got closer and I put my arm around her. There were many times I wanted to kiss her but things didn’t feel quite right. Eventually, we did kiss at the end of the night but I was expecting there to be more than the last date. I thought at least we’d makout, but I didn’t expect anything more.

 

Am I overthinking this? Is there something I can do to ratchet up the physical intimacy without being a creep? Right now, the last of physical intimacy is becoming a turn off. I try to be patient but this is just confusing.

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It sounds like things are progressing nicely, she just needs a little more time to be comfortable with you. She needs to be comfortable with you to be more intimate and after only four dates, she's not quite there yet.

 

Try to relax... don't be so impatient. All good things are worth waiting for...

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It sounds like things are progressing nicely, she just needs a little more time to be comfortable with you. She needs to be comfortable with you to be more intimate and after only four dates, she's not quite there yet.

 

Try to relax... don't be so impatient. All good things are worth waiting for...

 

I definitely think she is interested in me. I guess things can start to feel stale after a while with no touching/physical intimacy.

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Its only been four dates. And one, was a "meet and greet" for coffee.

 

Some women, need time to become comfortable with a man before things get physical. You are still very much strangers, give it a little more time...

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That’s the fun part of a date - making out.

 

That movie had better be damn good.

 

Argh! My thought exactly! The reason for my post.

 

It just makes me feel like she’s not interested :(

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Argh! My thought exactly! The reason for my post.

 

It just makes me feel like she’s not interested :(

 

She's interested. You had an 8 hour date and she agreed to come to your house to watch a movie. Women who are not interested don't go to a man's home to watch a movie alone.

 

Give it 1-2 more dates... You will have fun movie make-out dates in your future.

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She's interested. You had an 8 hour date and she agreed to come to your house to watch a movie. Women who are not interested don't go to a man's home to watch a movie alone.

 

Give it 1-2 more dates... You will have fun movie make-out dates in your future.

 

Any suggestions for the next date activity for a weeknight date? I’m really not sure where to go from here. I thought about doing a bar trivia.

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The lead up and anticipation about the physical part is one of the most wonderful parts about a new relationship. Once you are past that, you can't ever get that feeling back of when things were new and all you can think about is kissing or holding that person. I would be patient and allow for more time, if the two of you seem compatible. I can't relate to the feeling of things getting stale, unless by that you mean you are losing interest. For me, I would be thrilled by the anticipation of more physical contact with someone I am really attracted to.

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Any suggestions for the next date activity for a weeknight date? I’m really not sure where to go from here. I thought about doing a bar trivia.

 

What does she like to do? Pick something that she will enjoy and have some fun together... Your idea to do something together on an "activity date" is a good one... I once heard it said that it's by doing something together that you begin to really bond with your partner, and I think there is merit in that idea.

 

My boyfriend loves board games. I suggested a date at a local board game cafe and that was the night that the magic happened... We had so much fun together, it was just so obvious that we enjoyed each other's company and he was so kind and considerate in teaching me how to play....

 

I agree with the previous poster, the flirting and the lead up to the physical aspect of the relationship is the most wonderful part of a relationship. Don't rush it, just enjoy it. Keep it easy and make her laugh, flirt and have fun with her, let her feel like you think she is special and you are very interested, and when the moment is right... you will know it. Good luck!

Edited by BaileyB
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What does she like to do? Pick something that she will enjoy and have some fun together... Your idea to do something together on an "activity date" is a good one... I once heard it said that it's by doing something together that you begin to really bond with your partner, and I think there is merit in that idea.

 

My boyfriend loves board games. I suggested a date at a local board game cafe and that was the night that the magic happened... We had so much fun together, it was just so obvious that we enjoyed each other's company and he was so kind and considerate in teaching me how to play....

 

I agree with the previous poster, the flirting and the lead up to the physical aspect of the relationship is the most wonderful part of a relationship. Don't rush it, just enjoy it. Keep it easy and make her laugh, flirt and have fun with her, let her feel like you think she is special and you are very interested, and when the moment is right... you will know it. Good luck!

 

I did have another concern sort of. She hasnt really reached out to text or call me at all over the few weeks I’ve known her. Would it be too weird to ask her what her preferences/expectations are?

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That's a little more concerning, in my humble opinion. In the early stages of dating, a girl will usually want the guy to take the lead in terms of asking her out and planning a date. But, she needs to be communicating with you and sending you clear signals to show her interest. And, within a few dates she should probably be initiating communication and/or planning a date...

 

I think it's fair to talk with her... I would begin by telling her what you want - tell her that you've had some fun with her and you are looking forward to getting to know her better. Tell her that you are looking for a relationship and not into casual dating... Hopefully, she will tell you how she is feeling about your relationship. She may not say "yes, let's have a serious relationship..." But, she will surely be able to tell you that she wants to continue to get to know you.

 

The early stages of dating are so hard... It takes such courage to put yourself out there and there is so much uncertainty. Have you had your other date yet? How did it go...

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That's a little more concerning, in my humble opinion. In the early stages of dating, a girl will usually want the guy to take the lead in terms of asking her out and planning a date. But, she needs to be communicating with you and sending you clear signals to show her interest. And, within a few dates she should probably be initiating communication and/or planning a date...

 

I think it's fair to talk with her... I would begin by telling her what you want - tell her that you've had some fun with her and you are looking forward to getting to know her better. Tell her that you are looking for a relationship and not into casual dating... Hopefully, she will tell you how she is feeling about your relationship. She may not say "yes, let's have a serious relationship..." But, she will surely be able to tell you that she wants to continue to get to know you.

 

The early stages of dating are so hard... It takes such courage to put yourself out there and there is so much uncertainty. Have you had your other date yet? How did it go...

 

Yeah, you might be right. I’m not looking to just hang out casually. She is always very agreeable to my suggestions for activities. She always responds to my texts, but doesn’t usually add much to the “conversation.” I’ll send her little flirty jokes referencing things we talked about. On the other hand she seems apprehensive about being physical aspects of things. I can’t help but correlate the level of physical progression to success. I can’t force her to suggest dates or send me curious texts.

 

I don’t think we need to have a where is this going type conversation but I do want to clarify some confusion. Can I just ask her directly about confusing or inconsistent behaviors?

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What's her level of interest in your life, both on dates and in between? I mean after four dates including you cooking dinner for her there should be marked and natural interest in getting to know you. How does that go? I don't mean listening to you ramble, rather being an active listener, asking questions and showing interest.....

 

What I watch for with such observation is the 'letting him love her' slippery slope. Little investment. Lack of proactive physical intimacy is another sign of what I came to term 'You'll do, for now'

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Can I just ask her directly about confusing or inconsistent behaviors?

 

Forgive me if I've missed something, but I'm not seeing any confusing or inconsistent behaviour on her part. From what you've described, you have a fledgling relationship which is progressing slowly but nicely. And not everyone is into sending texts.

 

I would assume she's the type of woman who wants to know you'll stick around before getting intimate. She needs to be able to trust you.

 

So yes, have the conversation about really enjoying her company and that you're looking forward to getting to know her better. Her response will tell you a lot.

 

And no, don't mention anything about her behaviour. There's nothing odd about it.

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newyorker11356

You're definitely overthinking this. From what I see, she's most definitely interested in you.

 

Some women took a bit of time to warm up to having sex with you. In your shoes, I would most definitely be happy with how things are progressing, and I'm a very physical/touch type of person. Then again, I'm not one that needs to have sex with someone within the first couple or even few dates or something.

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She didn't want to kiss or make out after 4 dates. She doesn't initiate contact and when you initiate contact she doesn't contribute much to the conversation. You think she seems apprehensive re: physical contact. You aren't overthinking this. Your Spidey senses are tingling for a reason. This chick either isn't into you or she isn't into sex. Either of which are dealbreakers. Unless you aren't into sex, either, then carry on.

 

Personally, I'd be out if there wasn't good sex by the 3rd date. I have zero interest in putting effort, energy, and emotion into someone I am not sexually compatible with.

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You're definitely overthinking this. From what I see, she's most definitely interested in you.

 

Some women took a bit of time to warm up to having sex with you. In your shoes, I would most definitely be happy with how things are progressing, and I'm a very physical/touch type of person. Then again, I'm not one that needs to have sex with someone within the first couple or even few dates or something.

 

I wasn’t expecting sex. Making out vs sex is a big difference. When there has been mutual interest in my life, things usually gradually progress with each date leading to sex after 4-6 weeks. I’m just trying to figure out if it’s a lack of desire vs precaution.

 

We met via an OLD app, she said she was new to it on the first date, not sure if that could be contributing to additional precaution on her part? Maybe I’m a guinea pig after a break up?

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As a woman, OLD was very difficult for me. I don't trust men easily and I was ALWAYS concerned about the safety risk of meeting and dating strangers on the Internet. Sure, there are lots of wonderful men out there, but it only takes one poor decision and you are in serious trouble...

 

Sure, there are some women that will throw caution to the wind and go out with someone they don't know, or go back to their place... but, more often than not, women are more cautious. It takes a lot of trust to go over to man's place and get physical when you have recently met someone and you don't really know that person. Trust me - no way would I have come to your house for dinner on date 4 if we met on OLD.

 

Don't underestimate the time that it takes a woman to feel comfortable with a man, particularly a stranger that she found on the internet... especially if she is new to OLD. That could definitely explain her hesitation...

 

I still say, if she came back to your house for dinner... she is probably interested. Just keep your eyes open for other signs of interest but try not to overthink this. Enjoy the journey...

Edited by BaileyB
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As a woman, OLD was very difficult for me. I don't trust men easily and I was ALWAYS concerned about the safety risk of meeting and dating strangers on the Internet. Sure, there are lots of wonderful men out there, but it only takes one poor decision and you are in serious trouble...

 

Sure, there are some women that will throw caution to the wind and go out with someone they don't know, or go back to their place... but, more often than not, women are more cautious. It takes a lot of trust to go over to man's place and get physical when you have recently met someone and you don't really know that person. Trust me - no way would I have come to your house for dinner on date 4 if we met on OLD.

 

Don't underestimate the time that it takes a woman to feel comfortable with a man, particularly a stranger that she found on the internet... especially if she is new to OLD. That could definitely explain her hesitation...

 

I still say, if she came back to your house for dinner... she is probably interested. Just keep your eyes open for other signs of interest but try not to overthink this. Enjoy the journey...

 

We are supposed to go on a 5th date tomorrow. I’m just going to try and focus on having fun and not worry about the outcome.

 

That being said, would it be best to clarify my goals or inquire about hers? Or is it too early? I don’t want to seem impatient about things but I have other options if she’s just going to jerk me around, a situation I’m trying to avoid.

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We are supposed to go on a 5th date tomorrow. I’m just going to try and focus on having fun and not worry about the outcome.

 

That being said, would it be best to clarify my goals or inquire about hers? Or is it too early? I don’t want to seem impatient about things but I have other options if she’s just going to jerk me around, a situation I’m trying to avoid.

 

I also am failing to see the issue here. You enjoy her company, things are progressing organically, I don't see how she's jerking you around. Honestly, the more comments you make about this, the more i wonder if on a subconsciously llevel you're really kind of annoyed you're not getting sex already.

 

...Conversely, men then like to judge, if they do get sex early on in most instances, that the woman was "easy" or don't respect her as much. like how do you win?

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Maybe she hasn't been physical with a guy before? She may well be very apprehensive, which means that trust is very important. She needs to feel very comfortable with you. That should happen gradually if you are patient. If you push things too fast, she may panic and back off.

 

The lack of contact with you suggests that either she is not that keen or she is clueless about dating. She is leaving you to take the initiative. It could be that she is scared of coming across as too flirty and making you think you should press her to have sex when she is not ready for it.

 

I'm only guessing of course but if the above is true, that she is naive and inexperienced, just be positive, warm, affectionate and encourage any attempts she makes to communicate with you or say something positive. Say you'd love to hear from her and that guys need to know women care about them too. You could say it in a jokey, light-hearted way but hopefully she will get the message.

 

I would give her more time to feel at ease with you. She did sit with you so she is allowing you to get closer bit by bit. Rather than comparing her to other, perhaps more experienced women, see it as an achievement that you have managed to be so close to her, especially if she wants to meet you again.

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Maybe she hasn't been physical with a guy before? She may well be very apprehensive, which means that trust is very important. She needs to feel very comfortable with you. That should happen gradually if you are patient. If you push things too fast, she may panic and back off.

 

The lack of contact with you suggests that either she is not that keen or she is clueless about dating. She is leaving you to take the initiative. It could be that she is scared of coming across as too flirty and making you think you should press her to have sex when she is not ready for it.

 

I'm only guessing of course but if the above is true, that she is naive and inexperienced, just be positive, warm, affectionate and encourage any attempts she makes to communicate with you or say something positive. Say you'd love to hear from her and that guys need to know women care about them too. You could say it in a jokey, light-hearted way but hopefully she will get the message.

 

I would give her more time to feel at ease with you. She did sit with you so she is allowing you to get closer bit by bit. Rather than comparing her to other, perhaps more experienced women, see it as an achievement that you have managed to be so close to her, especially if she wants to meet you again.

 

I have been texting her daily but today, I sent nothing and received nothing. The lack of communication from her is more of a concern than the physical nature of things( or lack there of). Maybe she doesn’t feel the need for daily communication?

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If you've been in touch with her daily and didn't contact her yesterday, it probably left her wondering if you were losing interest. I'm not surprised you didn't hear from her. If you are interested, just show it and be consistent in your actions. That is all you can and should do, and see how she responds.

 

If there is true mutual interest than you will know it and remember that mutual interest does not mean that your pacing will exactly match hers. You either like her and want to pursue it, and should show her that, or you play games like "well I didn't text her and she didn't text me" and things break apart before you really even get to know each other.

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