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I feel intellectually inferior to my relatively new boyfriend


Sarah H

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Hello everyone.

 

As the title of the thread states, I feel intellectually inferior to my boyfriend. I think it's all in my head but it's starting to irritate me.

 

My boyfriend is never condescending towards me or anything but I fear that he's going to leave me for someone who is more intelligent than me. My boyfriend is one of those people that you can tell is highly intelligent after talking to them. I think his intelligence is a good sign because he's learnt me a lot and I've picked up many words that I'd never even heard of before knowing him and a lot of knowledge but in general conversations I just wish I could have more of an input because it doesn't matter what the topic is, he will always know something about it and often I don't have a clue what he is on about.

 

He also uses many words in everyday conversation and I don't have a clue what they mean. I often ask him what a certain word means and he will tell me. He's literally like a walking encyclopedia, he owns his own home and he has a bedroom full of all the books he has read and also a few bookcases in his sitting room which I find really impressive and looks great.

 

He's always reading several books at once and reads all sorts of things like philosophy, history, science and so on. I looked at some of the authors he has read and I'd never even heard of them before. I feel a little bit intimidated though because I've never been out with someone who has such a high intellect like my boyfriend.

 

Apart from this little niggle of mine, he is a true gentleman and does everything for me. He always makes sure my family are all okay and even takes my mother shopping when my father is at work. My parents approve of him. He goes out with my father on the weekend to the local social club and pubs to watch the football and have a few beers.

 

He asked me the other day if I wanted to move into his home and I said "yes", I am going to be moving my stuff into his on Monday. He doesn't live too far away, less than a mile away. My father has also hinted that he is going to propose to me, he mentioned it when I was out with my mother shopping a few weeks ago.

 

He owns his own home, he has a brilliant job and is on a very good wage and is well respected. We never argue and I love his company.

 

I feel like I'm just making something out of nothing.

 

Can anyone relate to me?

 

Thanks.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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I think you are making something out of nothing... He sounds like a wonderful person.

 

My boyfriend is also very intelligent. I consider myself to be intelligent and well studied, but he is definitely smarter than me. And, he has a very good memory and my memory is... not as good.

 

Early on in the relationship, I was a little insecure about this - mostly because I know he enjoys a woman with whom he can have a good conversation and have a shared sense of humor. He didn't know or understand how I was feeling, but one day early in our relationship he did say to me "I don't understand why you are worried, because I really like you, for exactly the person that you are..."

 

I realized in that moment that he had made his choice. I may not be as "smart" as him, but I don't have to be... We know different things. There are many things that I know and he doesn't know, many experiences that I have had and he has not had, and in this way we compliment each other... Life would be very boring if we were all the same.

 

So, clearly he has found something in you that attracts him. Be confident in that, and don't worry about the other stuff... Besides, with an intelligent boyfriend you will never lack for conversation and life will always be interesting for you... Have fun!

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Ruby Slippers

Most men are far less concerned about their wife's intelligence than youth, beauty, and simple feminine qualities.

 

I've always scored in the top 1% on various intelligence tests, but I figured out by my teens that men were only romantically interested when I dumbed myself down and acted like a typical giggly girl with no deep thoughts.

 

I have known men who regretted marrying a pretty airhead. But an airhead wouldn't think enough to post these concerns, so I don't think the disparity is that dire.

 

In short, this isn't something to worry about.

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And truthfully, I think men value stability, harmony, companionship, and no drama in their relationships.

 

If you have a nice, easy relationship and don't argue very often... If you are compatable and he is attracted to you... And if you are kind, considerate, and loving with him... Well, what more is there to want in a relationship.

 

No disrespect (because you seem like a very thoughtful and intelligent woman), but he can find intellectually stimulating conversation and challenge at work or with his friends. He wants something very different from you... ;)

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I think there are some men for whom a true intellectual disparity would be a deal-breaker, but your BF doesn't seem to be one of them.

 

Just a thought, though. Would you *like* to be better read and more informed on things? If so, it seems like you have a perfect opportunity to develop that. There is absolutely no reason that your experience and knowledge has to be a static thing.

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Eternal Sunshine
Most men are far less concerned about their wife's intelligence than youth, beauty, and simple feminine qualities.

 

I've always scored in the top 1% on various intelligence tests, but I figured out by my teens that men were only romantically interested when I dumbed myself down and acted like a typical giggly girl with no deep thoughts.

 

I have known men who regretted marrying a pretty airhead. But an airhead wouldn't think enough to post these concerns, so I don't think the disparity is that dire.

 

In short, this isn't something to worry about.

 

Yup, same here.

 

OP you have nothing to worry about. In fact, your bf probably loves feeling intellectually superior (I don't mean it in a bad way, just the way men are wired).

 

I also had much more success with men when I dumbed myself down and pretended to know less about certain topics than they did.

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I've only had two relationships before my current boyfriend and both of the guys were just of average intelligence and were never really interested in reading at all, never mind things like philosophy. So understandably this new relationship is very different for me.

 

I don't feel like he ever talks down to me or anything but he always uses the correct grammar and never talks slang and has told me that he doesn't like it when people use incorrect grammar and slang. A few times he has corrected me on my grammar. I remember once we were in the club and he corrected one of his friends and when he went to the toilet I asked his friend whether or not it bothered him and I was surprised that he said no and he likes it because he knows that he will never be wrong about anything. His friends are really nice people and they all are mature, have good jobs, nice girlfriends or wives and just keep themselves to themselves as well. Recently we have been going to the local club with his mates and their partners have been coming and I've made a couple of new friends.

 

It is a bonus when it comes to conversations because he is so well read that he can talk about anything. He's a very quiet man and traditional. I really like these qualities because I'm the exact same. We have never had a real argument, he prefers to solve things rather than let them get escalated. I've never heard him shout.

 

For the record, I am petite and have been told I am above average when it comes to looks.

 

I really like the fact that my parents approve of him so much, they were not too keen on my exes. My mother thinks he is wonderful and also gets on well with his mother. My father really likes him and speaks very highly of him.

 

I thought it was all in my head but sometimes I do feel down about it. Because of him, I have started to read more in depth books.

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To me it's about synergy. I grew up in a time when there were often vast disparities in education and measured intelligence in marriages but where there was synergy between the humans, each partner believing in and using the other's strengths for the betterment and success of the partnership.

 

My personal example was the white collar college educated suit wearing professional bringing home his paycheck once a month and giving it to his 8th grade educated wife who guarded it like Fort Knox in between growing a garden and hanging the sheets on the clothes line. The spouse didn't know all the big words he used in his day job but those words stayed at the job. At home they were equals and he greatly relied on her simple street smarts and savvy to run the household. She was the manager and he listened to her. If something big was on the table, they handled it as equals, each bringing their strengths to the table and recognizing those of the other. Did they disagree? Sure! That's where I learned the lesson of healthy disagreement and working as a team. When I became of age it was my turn to debate the house Congress for my own privileges and those were some spirited debates!

 

Personally, I think you'll do fine. Remember your strengths and applaud your partner for his. Do you. Accept him as authentic. If the relationship is, it is. It could last a day, a week, a month, a year, a lifetime. The one in my sample lasted a lifetime.

 

One thing to examine here is 'turning the tables'. How would you feel about your partner if you clearly identified as intellectually and educationally 'superior'. How would that go for you? Would that partner's value be the same, diminished or increased? Why? That's an old trick our MC used in session. Putting oneself in their partner's shoes. Good luck!

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I didn't read the whole thread

 

but I have to say

 

Don't worry some men love to feel superior!

 

That's the perfect relationship in their mind!

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littleblackheart

You should only be concerned if he makes you feel like you are intellectually not on a par, which doesn't seem to be the case. If you're happy together, then enjoy it!

 

In a happy relationship, emotional intelligence is a much more valuable trait to have anyway - and I say that as someone working in academia, which is supposedly filled with 'intellectually superior' people.

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I can relate! My fiance is smarter than me. I'm no slouch, but she has a master's degree in English and has read literally thousands of books. It has caused friction a couple of times (how can you not know that?) but we enjoy intellectual and stimulating conversations. If you are curious and ask about words you don't understand, I think he will think that's great!

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Most men are far less concerned about their wife's intelligence than youth, beauty, and simple feminine qualities.

 

Not to throw a spanner in the works, but I find this alarming. Youth is fleeting. Beauty doesn't always last. And both are superficial anyway. This leaves only "simple feminine qualities" to sustain a marriage. How can a long term relationship be based on this alone?

 

OP, it doesn't sound like he's bothered by the fact that he knows more than you. But you must ensure that he loves you for more than being a pretty homemaker. It's about connection. The things you enjoy doing together and the laughs you have. It's about having compatible attitudes to life and what you want for your futures.

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Not to throw a spanner in the works, but I find this alarming. Youth is fleeting. Beauty doesn't always last. And both are superficial anyway. This leaves only "simple feminine qualities" to sustain a marriage. How can a long term relationship be based on this alone?

 

It can't and that is why we have loads of men on here either ditching or losing interest in, or cheating on women when the "fleeting" sexual attraction ends.

Edited by elaine567
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Ruby Slippers
Not to throw a spanner in the works, but I find this alarming. Youth is fleeting. Beauty doesn't always last. And both are superficial anyway. This leaves only "simple feminine qualities" to sustain a marriage. How can a long term relationship be based on this alone?

 

It can't and that is why we have loads of men on here either ditching or losing interest in, or cheating on women when the "fleeting" sexual attraction ends.

Exactly.

 

It may be alarming, but it's true.

 

The one foil a woman has is that if he abandons the family, trades her in for a younger model, she'll get child support from him and/or welfare from the state. Women who marry and have kids in their 20s set themselves up for the easiest material existence in the world.

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I swear I'd be slowly dying from inside if I need to act dumb and bubbly for some dude. I'd end up resenting him so it won't work for me :(

 

I think as for looks, partners should be intellectually similar for it to work out. When I was dating intellectually inferior guys, I just couldn't respect them enough and they'll bore me to death. Intellectually superior guys... are just .... very hard to find :(

 

Yup, same here.

 

OP you have nothing to worry about. In fact, your bf probably loves feeling intellectually superior (I don't mean it in a bad way, just the way men are wired).

 

I also had much more success with men when I dumbed myself down and pretended to know less about certain topics than they did.

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Sarah relax. He obviously sees something in you, enough to want to share his life with you. As for his need for intellectual stimulation...he has colleagues to talk to about those topics. He seems very happy with you, just the way you are. If it was such an issue, he would never have chosen to date you in the first place.

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The so called dumb down thing goes both ways, ya know.

l've had to dumb down plenty of times, seen it with plenty of other guys and their women too.

But that's only a problem if you don't quite get along , if you do its' all about personality . They can be twice as stimulating and fun as anyone if you get along well.

And known women l hope they don't feel they have to dumb down but much smarter than me too.

 

l wouldn't care if she is or isn't it's about personality and the way you get along.

Often some women others probably think is an air head and wonder why guys like her and come up with all sorts or evils on his part, makes him feels smarter and bla bla bla, he doesn't need to feel smarter givme a break.

but what he probably loves is someone that's fun and loose and great to talk too and warm and often those type of women can be the best of all and often smarter than the so called really intelligent ones when it comes to every day things and logic, common sense anyway.

They can also have a beautiful really grounded view of everything and be beautiful and warm people.

My ex w might have been considered a little sort of every dayish in that way but l'll tell ya, she had more smarts in her little finger than any of my 6 sisters that all have lists of degrees as long as your arm. And she was 50 fold more fun and better to talk too, and a far better person.

Her sorta personality stimulates me more than 10 of the other sort put together.

And they're all a total pain in the ass with chips on their shoulders, ex w could see straight through them like glass.

That sort of thing all depends, it's not how smart or educated she is , it's the person, is she warm and fun and great to talk to with no issues, at peace, and still a nice person, know some that are just beautiful like that, or is a total pain in the ass and always trying to out wit you or sarcasm or arguing about 2 flies crawling up a wall for nothing. These types of things are the thing about it all.

 

l don't care how smart either of us are , l only care that we get a long and that she's at peace and comfortable in her own shell and fun and warm and is a great mate and all that stuff.

And if she was smarter than me , good , it'll give my brain a rest haha.

 

So if he's good to you and doesn't have those ways about him , patient and still fun and good to talk too and your both really comfortable with each other, or whatever things you like in your man , it should be fine.

Edited by Chilli
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How "relatively new" is your boyfriend?

 

It sounds like you have been together years - he is asking you to move in, he goes out with your father, takes your mother shopping (wtf???) ....

 

Does it bother you when he corrects people's grammar?

I know a guy who does this, and it does rub a lot of people up the wrong way.

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Yeah true, that sort of thing can drive you barmy with anyone.

 

l've got one brother like that , he's probably worse than most.

Everything you say in just convo or even just kidden round, if part of it isn't said right he just has to say something.

 

l'm never comfortable talking to him even to this day, his a pain in the ass.

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He is attentive towards you and your family, treats you with respect. You have a good thing here..He loves you, and probably feels lucky himself. He wants you to move in with him..and I'm glad to read that you accepted the invitation. Be happy with this, enjoy him and treat him right, like he is treating you. His intelligence is a blessing, and a benefit to you.

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Well, you write beautifully and are obviously very intelligent yourself. Your boyfriend has seen something in you that he loves. He enjoys your company. The fact that you haven't covered the same subjects does not really matter as long as you are both open-minded. If you are willing to learn from him and he is wiling to learn from you, then this could expand both your worlds. It was a bit like that with my ex-husband. I learned an awful lot from him. His intelligence was not the reason we are exes now.

 

There are different kinds of intelligence apart from knowledge about subjects. There is creative ability, for example. Some people have great social skills and are good at making friends and garnering support socially. Some are good at taking charge and seeing a project through. Others are great with young people and just have a talent for leading and working with them.

 

Don't underestimate your own abilities. Your talents probably complement his very well. Continue to ask what words mean if you don't know them, but don't put up with him using it as a tactic to assert superiority over you. It doesn't sound like he's doing that. Many a male genius has had a happy life with a socially able and warm, loving woman. People do not necessarily want the same in their partners that they have themselves. Diversity gives strength to a relationship. He can step in where you can't and vice versa. Remind yourself of your talents and strengths and forget the differences; he sounds a good guy and you could well be the perfect team.

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I swear I'd be slowly dying from inside if I need to act dumb and bubbly for some dude. I'd end up resenting him so it won't work for me :(

 

I think as for looks, partners should be intellectually similar for it to work out. When I was dating intellectually inferior guys, I just couldn't respect them enough and they'll bore me to death. Intellectually superior guys... are just .... very hard to find :(

 

I agree. I dated a woman that was very physically attractive, but she had no interest in anything academic or issues that required higher level thinking. I got bored after a few dates.

 

I don't know who these guys are that prefer the "dumb blond" cliche, but in my experience (limited I admit), those types of dating relationships were so boring I wanted to pull my hair out. I have know men that tend to go for the potential trophy wife types, but even those women have some skill that is on another level, like cooking.

Edited by TheFinalWord
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I would say that as long as you two get along and can have a conversation that is enjoyable, you're just fine. You don't have to be knowledgeable in the same things, and certain topics he can discuss with friends or colleagues if it's just not your thing. I would worry if he was talking down to you, criticizing and judging, or if he treated you like you were brainless. You can learn from him and he can learn from you too. You don't come across as unintelligent, you just have a different skill set. If things are good, stick with it.

 

It does concern me that you state your relationship is "relatively new." How new? Moving in too soon can be a problem. Have you been dating awhile?

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