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Brocode violation?


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I met T about 2 weeks ago when my cousin dropped by at my place along with her. I was instantly attracted to her and as the night went on, we spoke a lot and we both enjoyed each other's company. Since then we've been texting every other day and last night I could tell she would say yes if I asked her out. But I didn't and all I said was that we need to "hang out sometime". Generally, I'm not so opaque when it comes to meeting women but I wasn't sure if it was the right thing. After all, my cousin did introduce me to her. Do you think I need to ask my cousin if he's ok with me taking her out? A little information about their relationship; they met a couple of days prior to meeting me at an office conference and on the day we met, she clearly stated that they were just friends. My cousin does think she's cute though.

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While women may have rules of engagement about friends/family members and dating, IME guys are not so encumbered. My problem when your age was paying too much attention to the women's version of their rules and not enough to what successful males were doing in the mating marketplace.

 

If your cousin and the lady are not in a relationship, IMO go for it. If cousin had an interest and didn't act on it, too bad so sad, spoils go to the winner and the world, and women, love winners. Winners get to propagate their genes. I'm speaking of winning in the mating sense and respecting the old adage of all's fair in love and war.

 

The worst that could happen is the lady rejects you and/or cousin hates you. Oh, well, two humans of billions. You'll find yourself with a lot more haters when you get old. That's life. Up to you.

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I think you should give your cousin the heads up first, just in case he is interested in her and still courting her while she's going out with you.

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I keep thinking how I would react if the roles were reversed. If I liked someone a lot and if my cousin asked her out I would be pissed, but if I thought she was just cute and nothing else then it wouldn't bother me.

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So, has this cousin had your back in life, consoled you in times of strife or loss, celebrated your successes and achievements? Or, is he merely the son of a related family member? If he wasn't your cousin, rather some guy you knew who introduced you to a lady or a person you met the lady through, would it matter?

 

My best advice as an older man who played the rules game and was way too considerate of the feelings of others is, well, there is no reward in life for that so if you make the choice to refrain, don't expect anything good to come of it. It is what it is. When another guy got with another woman I was interested in, do you really think they cared if I was pissed? My existence didn't even matter to them. Getting with the lady is what mattered to them. Mating with her. Other males are simply competitors. Most of the time, fortunately, competition is peaceful. Yeah, feelings get hurt but males know how to stuff feelings down and continue to compete. Get tough or lose. That's life.

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GunslingerRoland

I would mention it... but not ask for permission.

 

If he is mad, and mentions being interested in her, you can bring up the fact, that thinks their relationship is totally platonic, so if he is trying to get with her, she's oblivious to it.

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Hey carhill,

 

I appreciate the responses. He has never consoled me during my low spells but that's because I generally try to suppress emotional pain and I've never given him an opportunity to be supportive. I'm sure if I ever needed him he'd have my back. He's definitely not some guy I just happened to be related to. We've been hanging out frequently for the last 17 years! It is an important relationship to me.

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My advice is that there are too many fish in the sea to risk potential unnecessary drama over some possible romantic interlude.

 

Many people will say Go for it, and i understand that.

 

I would caution that you should keep in mind that while you may be interested in this chick, and even date her for a period of time, that your cousin will remain your cousin for the rest of your life.

 

I would not even consider such an adventure, but, if after weighing the risk/reward ratio, if you feel you can handle any hiccup in your relationship with your cousin, then the only way you will ever find out is to press forward.

 

So please do yourself a favor and think real hard about it before you follow up with her.

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Hey carhill,

 

I appreciate the responses. He has never consoled me during my low spells but that's because I generally try to suppress emotional pain and I've never given him an opportunity to be supportive. I'm sure if I ever needed him he'd have my back. He's definitely not some guy I just happened to be related to. We've been hanging out frequently for the last 17 years! It is an important relationship to me.

 

Which is why you better think real hard about it.

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Hey carhill,

 

I appreciate the responses. He has never consoled me during my low spells but that's because I generally try to suppress emotional pain and I've never given him an opportunity to be supportive. I'm sure if I ever needed him he'd have my back. He's definitely not some guy I just happened to be related to.

We've been hanging out frequently for the last 17 years!

It is an important relationship to me.

 

Then do not let some girl come between you.

You have already gone too far by texting her every second day, IF she is someone he is very interested in.

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Hey carhill,

 

I appreciate the responses. He has never consoled me during my low spells but that's because I generally try to suppress emotional pain and I've never given him an opportunity to be supportive. I'm sure if I ever needed him he'd have my back. He's definitely not some guy I just happened to be related to. We've been hanging out frequently for the last 17 years! It is an important relationship to me.

Then ask the lady on a date and settle things. If she wants to date you and not him, that's her choice and prerogative, just the same as the reverse. He knew her before you did, apparently, and if he wanted to date her he'd have already asked her on a date and, if she said yes, she'd have been introduced to you as his partner or date. That's not the case.

 

I like the advice of another member to be direct and not ask permission. That shows assertiveness. It's clear, unambiguous and gives respectful notice which reflects your 17 year association. It also sets the tone for his being clear and unambiguous about any interest he might have.

 

Example:

 

"I find xxx attractive and I'm going to ask her out on a date. I'm so glad you introduced her to me"

 

Listen to the response. Go from there. If both of you are interested, well, let the best man win ;)

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I would just talk to him about this girl, and steer the conversation towards dating and his own intentions with her. Then depending on how that goes, ask if he doesn't mind if you take a shot

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As an older guy I would give exactly the opposite advice. Unless you don't value your relationship with your cousin, forget about this girl. Or, if for some reason she is magically special, then talk to your cousin about it.

 

There are millions of available women in the world, why piss off an important relative (and friend) over one?

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OP, I overlooked one important factor, culture. What is the cultural tradition in your country?

 

As example, since you list India as your location, are you/your family/social circle more an arranged marriage and mating culture or more love-based mating and marriage? The dynamics vary widely. If the former, I could see very rigid rules and customs regarding interaction with women, essentially the family selecting who marries whom. In that case, the families of yourself, your cousin and the lady involved would have input that would supersede your personal preferences, yes?

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Blood is thicker than water...

 

If he really digs her and you move in, chances are he will feel a bit hurt.

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Not ever having a brother, I'd be curious to hear from brothers who fought over the same girl. I knew a few as a young guy but it's been decades. I mean they literally fought, like fist fights. So much for 'brocode' :D

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GunslingerRoland
OP, I overlooked one important factor, culture.

 

I missed this too. My thought relative to this, would be regarding how to read the situation with the girl.

 

Like here, the way she stated that they were just friends, I'd regard it as he has no chance even if you don't do anything about it... it may be different in another placing where friendship before dating is more common.

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healing light

I almost never have feelings for someone, so I say ask her out and give your cousin a heads up in an fyi kind of way. I don't see people as being millions in a sea, etc. Would love to feel that way but that has never been the case in my life in terms of who I develop an attraction to, so I wouldn't pass up the opportunity if she stated they're just friends. There's no guarantee she would like him regardless of whether you go for her.

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He's definitely not some guy I just happened to be related to. We've been hanging out frequently for the last 17 years! It is an important relationship to me.

 

 

Re-read the above. Then remember, she's just some girl. If he was only some casual friend, I'd say do whatever you want

 

Talk to him. If he's cool with it, chase her all you like. Hopefully you will catch her.

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Not ever having a brother, I'd be curious to hear from brothers who fought over the same girl. I knew a few as a young guy but it's been decades. I mean they literally fought, like fist fights. So much for 'brocode' :D

 

Never fought over women, but my brother and I do not have the same tastes in that category. There was one girl that hit on my brother then me. Even though my brother wasn't serious about her, they went out enough times that it wasn't worth it for me to go there. I think he even gave me some tips on buttering her up, but it was too weird at that point. My brother did date his wife's sister before they got together and I heard them fight about it once. Now that I think about it, my brother is actually pretty smooth.

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TunaInTheBrine
I met T about 2 weeks ago when my cousin dropped by at my place along with her. I was instantly attracted to her and as the night went on, we spoke a lot and we both enjoyed each other's company. Since then we've been texting every other day and last night I could tell she would say yes if I asked her out. But I didn't and all I said was that we need to "hang out sometime". Generally, I'm not so opaque when it comes to meeting women but I wasn't sure if it was the right thing. After all, my cousin did introduce me to her. Do you think I need to ask my cousin if he's ok with me taking her out? A little information about their relationship; they met a couple of days prior to meeting me at an office conference and on the day we met, she clearly stated that they were just friends. My cousin does think she's cute though.

 

I would assume it's a brocode violation until proven otherwise. If you haven't already, talk to your cousin.

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Hey carhill,

 

I appreciate the responses. He has never consoled me during my low spells but that's because I generally try to suppress emotional pain and I've never given him an opportunity to be supportive. I'm sure if I ever needed him he'd have my back. He's definitely not some guy I just happened to be related to. We've been hanging out frequently for the last 17 years! It is an important relationship to me.

 

It sounds like a good relationship you have with this cousin. If it's as good as you say it is then there shouldn't be a problem with talking to him about it. But just be prepared that he might not be OK with it and behave accordingly.

 

I think it's more likely he will be fine, I just see it as an important check to make so you don't upset him.

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I keep thinking how I would react if the roles were reversed. If I liked someone a lot and if my cousin asked her out I would be pissed,.

 

This is important. You wouldn't like it so you will.also feel bad doing it.

Just talk to him.

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Thanks for all the replies. With regards to carhill's question about cultural background, it's true that in India most marriages are arranged/fixed but I'm not interested in that and my family is cool with it. I'm not even thinking about marriage right now. I like how she looks and she's got a nice personality so I wanted to ask her out.

 

I've decided that my relationship with my cousin is too important to mess with so I'm going to ask him first and then take it from there. If he's cool with it then great, but even if he says he's fine and starts acting weird, I'm going to de-escalate. As others have suggested, there are plenty of fish in the sea...

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I spoke to my cousin and he was completely fine with it. He didn't think they were a good match and he was happy for me. What a swell guy. The flirting has already begun too ;)

 

Today I officially ended things with my ex (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/642361-ex-throws-one-left-field). It was a long drawn out process but at least there's no more uncertainty. I know I haven't moved on yet but I rather be having fun with women than moping at home. This new girl seems like a non-judgmental person and I think she's perfect to help me get back into the game! Looking forward to what's in store...

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