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Ex wants to see me but he has a baby now

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Old 8th November 2017, 9:11 PM   #1
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Unhappy Ex wants to see me but he has a baby now

3 years ago I lost what I consider to be a soulmate in my life. I broke up with him because he was rushing me into marriage (because he's military) and I wasn't ready at all for that commitment so I broke up with him. He ended up marrying someone else shortly thereafter and we had a huge fight about it, we blocked each other. He knew I regretted my decision in breaking up with him but he said it was too late because he had already proposed to her, hence the fight then the blocking.

They were married for about 2 1/2 years and I had moved on for the most part. This week he texted me saying they're getting divorced, how he owed me an apology saying things like he didn't see it before and now he does. How he hurt a lot of people when he was married and how he feels like a failure. We agreed to meet this Wednesday to talk about everything but then he cancelled saying he's going through a lot right now with the divorce and just needs time to "sort everything out".

I asked him if he had any kids now (a few days after our initial conversation) and he said yes, he has a 3 month old baby boy now. 3 months old! I said "Why are you getting divorced then??" he said "Our marriage has been over for a long time, I think we thought he could save it." (omg, so ridiculous)

I said "I've been heartbroken over you for 2 years, until I met someone this year. I don't know if I can handle you having a kid with her." he said "I get that. I'm sorry." He told me he didn't realize how badly he hurt me.

He cancelled our meeting and said, "I think we should wait to meet up. I just want to make sure I can still see my son and she doesn't screw me over in the divorce. You're also kinda seeing someone now and I know I need some time. Especially if I hurt you that badly before, its not fair to you. I'll let you know when things settle down for me." I said "Ok just let me know then." He said "I promise I will."

That was the end of our conversation. I agreed to meet him face to face just to see if the connection was still there, but he cancelled, so now I can't. I don't know if I'll ever see him now. The fact that he has a child changes everything. I was sure I was going to give him another chance, but now I really don't think I can. It's going to be too painful for me to see them all together as a family.

Not only that, but he doesn't have much to offer me anymore. I mean child support fees aside, I will always be number 3 on his list if I get back together with him. It'll be the baby and her before me. He said he still needs to have her in his life because she's the mother of his son and he said he will still need to talk to her and be nice to maintain a good relationship for the baby. I said I understand that.

I said "Are you sure you don't want to be with her?" He said "I'm sure it's over." he said she already had been with another guy.
Its just sad because he showed me a pic of the baby and it looks exactly like him. What am I supposed to do?

It took me so long to get over him. I don't think I can put myself through anymore pain but part of me still wants to see him in person.
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Old 8th November 2017, 9:19 PM   #2
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I wonder if the wife knows they are getting divorced......
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Old 8th November 2017, 9:58 PM   #3
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What's the point of meeting him? There is nothing else to say.

He has a 3 month old baby too.

He either is lying and is still married but wants ego boost/easy sex so he calls up on you, or he is telling you the truth. Regardless, what is there to gain by meeting with each-other?
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Old 8th November 2017, 10:08 PM   #4
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The fact that you even agreed to meet him up tells me you weren't over him.

But hey, your life. If you want to get back with him and get involved with the inevitable baggage and drama, your choice.
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Old 9th November 2017, 10:22 AM   #5
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We already told you he was one of the bad choices between the two guys.

You are a fool if you believe that having each others passwords = trust.
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Old 9th November 2017, 10:51 AM   #6
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Never a good idea to get involved with a recently divorced man, especially one who carries as much unresolved baggage as this guy does...

I would cancel the "date" and wish him well.
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Old 9th November 2017, 11:53 AM   #7
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This isn't the same guy you were with 3 years who. Way too much baggage and now he's just looking for comfort from someone he's familiar with. I'd leave this alone. I don't see you being happy with him now.
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Old 9th November 2017, 4:45 PM   #8
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Leave the past in the past... far too much baggage here.
'Love is giving someone the power to destroy you, but trusting them not to'
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Old 9th November 2017, 7:03 PM   #9
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He's a couple years out emotionally from being available for any new healthy relationship. Even if he's over her (which, who knows), he's DEFINITELY not over the failure of the relationship and that is a big deal in the baggage department. It isn't even about him having a baby, it's his emotional state and the timing of everything happening in his life at once. He needs to learn how to be a dad, learn how to be single again, learn how to regain his confidence, learn from whatever he did wrong that contributed to the failure of the marriage... so don't worry about it for now. Because, seriously, if you ever did want something real with him it is still so far off that you don't know where you'll be and you don't want to wait for a maybe.

Focus on your current relationship. If some day, way down the line, you're single again (for reasons unrelated to your ex) and so is he, then check it out if you're still curious and more comfortable with him having a toddler. But right now, he's just going to unintentionally using you to start healing, because his life is flipped so upside down he will be too unstable to give you anything in return.

Last edited by SpecialJ; 9th November 2017 at 7:05 PM..
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Old 9th November 2017, 7:46 PM   #10
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If he wanted sec he would have met up but he cancelled so it seems he really is done with his marriage
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Old 10th November 2017, 12:34 AM   #11
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No one can tell you what to do, OP. People are often there to tell you after it's over what mistakes you made. What they don't say is that a lot of life's toughest choices are double edged sword anyway. Super cliche, but follow your 'heart'.
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Old 10th November 2017, 5:46 AM   #12
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Perhaps in the future, you two could reconnect. But not now, and not for a long time to come. He has too much on his plate and far too much unfinished business. He is right to tell you that now is not the time to meet.

I think you would be best to stop communicating with him. He is in a totally place in his life now and not the carefree guy you once knew. The dynamic would be completely different, forever.
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Old 10th November 2017, 6:16 AM   #13
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The guy sounds like he can't be alone and it has to be marriage. In three years, you broke up, he married someone else pretty fast, and now he's back to you when that marriage is failing, and now there's a child. You will be raising that child should you move forward. The ex doesn't have to be a major staple in your life. Beyond parenting, they really don't have to see or talk to each other, hang out, do holidays or birthdays or anything. Just coparent. I don't know what you're expecting. Some ex relationships are different, maintained friendships and holidays, etc., but it's not going to be like some polyamorous or polygamous situation. She'll have her life, he'll have his. The situation can be nasty, it could be don't know.

I think this guy is a mess, from leaping into serious relationships terribly fast and this (what seems like) fear of being alone, not having a's like he can't just date, it has to be all or nothing. That wedding ring is like a guarantee she'll be around and everything will be rainbows and unicorns, but personalities don't mesh and marriages take work. This is what dating is for - to figure out if you're compatible before blending everything. Running at warp speed straight into a marriage is just not healthy, and it gets so much more complicated when having to deal with children.

In three years, we've had a breakup, quick marriage, quick failure of this marriage, and contacting the old girlfriend to rekindle something because he's staring at being alone in the face...with a baby...dealing with the baby as a single father, no spouse, no help...and he can't be alone.

Just not good, OP.

This guy needs to learn to function alone. He needs to not be so needy. Women/wives will not complete him or fill some void. That void has to be filled by him. He has to be complete on his own before a wife can offer and be what he wants.

I think this backing off is the best. You're walking straight into a minefield otherwise. At least wait for the paint to dry. You'd merely be a rebound and a crutch while he pursues divorce and custody/parenting issues, gets back on his feet, and then what? He'll want to marry you in six months? The divorce was final last Tuesday, let's get hitched? Even though he hasn't worked through his stuff? Even though you don't necessarily really know each other enough with all the drama and pain to know if this is long-term?

Consider him a rebound, consider yourself a rebound and transition girlfriend. The guy needs to be single for awhile. Maybe in a few years, you'll collide again; that is, if this guy you're seeing doesn't work out or another guy...concentrate on available men who have healthy and realistic ideals and boundaries. This guy has a level of desperation that is a bit scary, and he needs to grow.

Side topic - several men I have dated had that quick marriage before shipping off to the military, young marriage that didn't work out...seemed like a great idea at the time. I don't know how young you two are, but they do mature, and they make mistakes, and they're good men, but this guy is in just too much of a messy place right now to be considering dating. He's hanging onto old feelings and this need to be married.
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Old 10th November 2017, 6:26 AM   #14
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The irony here is that you are punishing him twice for your own stupid decision. He was the love of your life and you rejected him because he wanted to marry you? Then you get butt hurt because he married and had a kid with someone else after you rejected him? Being in the military, it is quite normal to have a different timetable for wanting to settle down and have children. And to all the responders who say he has too much baggage? He's a jerk because he didn't sit around and wait for his first love []? Fine. He made a mistake and had a kid with someone he no longer loves. At least he knows what he wants and has the courage to go after it...

Why would you presume his is ex will always be first before you? It doesn't sound like it from his actions. And of course his baby would always come before you. That's called being a good parent. You make it sound like a bad thing. Your whole attitude about this seems pretty self centered. I don't really see anything wrong with what he has done other than acknowledging a mistake and trying to move on - something you don't seem to have done. Have you told him it was a mistake dumping him??? He certainly seems to respect your needs as he cancelled the meeting to sort things out on his end first. I don't really see the harm in meeting him later on if he really is your soulmate...
And in her eyes you see nothing
No sign of love behind the tears
Cried for no one
A love that should have lasted years

Last edited by Moderator; 10th November 2017 at 11:45 AM.. Reason: Topical content
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Old 10th November 2017, 6:42 AM   #15
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Originally Posted by CryForNoOne View Post
Why would you presume his is ex will always be first before you? It doesn't sound like it from his actions. And of course his baby would always come before you. That's called being a good parent. You make it sound like a bad thing. Your whole attitude about this seems pretty self centered.
Of course it is a bad thing from her POV, as she is single and she doesn't want to be lumbered with a new born baby he had with someone else and an ex who will always be hanging around somewhere...
She wants to be his no 1, she wants her kids to be his no 1 too, not back in line after he pays child support for his special "first born".
Some men do not want to bring up other men's kids and some women do not want to bring up other women's kids either.
It is not self centred, it is all about self preservation.
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