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At what point do you give up on the relationship or go to therapy?


zawadi16

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I’m at a fork in the road. I love my significant other very much, but I don’t like him right now. We have been arguing a lot, mainly started by him. He’s very insecure and understandably so I guess. He was cheated on in every prior relationship, and even his flings lied to him. When he argued he just flies off the handle is very hypercritical (why I don’t like him right now). Now, I’m not going to totally bash the man. He obviously was very sweet and caring, if not I would not have dated him. He admits that he can be erratic and paranoid. His also lost his sister around the same time that he was last cheated on and I know that has really made things hard for him. We’ve talked about marriage and kids so it’s very serious for the both of us. Now I’m just unsure about a lot of things.

 

Forget my situation for a second. At what point in any relationship do you decide it’s best to let it go or try to make it work by getting outside help? I just think if it’s so bad that you need help because it’s your last resort isn’t that a sign that you should just walk away? Also, and I’m not judging others who have done this, but even considering therapy makes me feel like I’m weak. Shouldn’t I just move on and find someone better? I don’t want to turn into one of those people that when asked why do you stay, “because I love him”. Then I think to myself if you do go to couples therapy isn’t the main reason why you’re still fighting for the relationship because you love them?

 

I don’t know I’m just confused. To walk away or to try and make it work? Ugh.

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Describe what he actually does.

What arguments does he start?

 

Is he controlling or attempting to be?

 

I wouldn't want to suggest couples therapy without knowing more details.

Being controlling for instance is a sign he could become abusive in various ways and that kind of spiral doesn't get better, only worse.

 

Lots more detail required here.

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Describe what he actually does.

What arguments does he start?

 

Is he controlling or attempting to be?

 

I wouldn't want to suggest couples therapy without knowing more details.

Being controlling for instance is a sign he could become abusive in various ways and that kind of spiral doesn't get better, only worse.

 

Lots more detail required here.

 

No he’s not controlling.

A lot of the arguments are about really minor things and usually because of his paranoia. For example we were talking about rape culture and Harvey Weinstein. He started to victim blame and I pointed it out. He got upset and said that I was trying to call him a rapist then he went on to say how I’m a sore loser and he wasn’t happy with our foreplay. It usually happens this way. Out of nowhere he’ll get upset over something small then make an irrational and illogical leap to something I’m not doing correctly or that he doesn’t like. He’ll eventually apologize for being erratic and then do it again only a few days later. He even said he made me his world because I’m a “drug” to him so he just ends thinking so much he gets paranoid.

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No he’s not controlling.

A lot of the arguments are about really minor things and usually because of his paranoia. For example we were talking about rape culture and Harvey Weinstein. He started to victim blame and I pointed it out. He got upset and said that I was trying to call him a rapist then he went on to say how I’m a sore loser and he wasn’t happy with our foreplay. It usually happens this way. Out of nowhere he’ll get upset over something small then make an irrational and illogical leap to something I’m not doing correctly or that he doesn’t like. He’ll eventually apologize for being erratic and then do it again only a few days later. He even said he made me his world because I’m a “drug” to him so he just ends thinking so much he gets paranoid.

 

So he is being emotionally abusive and attempting to manipulate you 'at least'.

 

No, I wouldn't recommend any therapy.

You should leave this guy.

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Forget my situation for a second. At what point in any relationship do you decide it’s best to let it go or try to make it work by getting outside help? I just think if it’s so bad that you need help because it’s your last resort isn’t that a sign that you should just walk away? Also, and I’m not judging others who have done this, but even considering therapy makes me feel like I’m weak. Shouldn’t I just move on and find someone better? I don’t want to turn into one of those people that when asked why do you stay, “because I love him”. Then I think to myself if you do go to couples therapy isn’t the main reason why you’re still fighting for the relationship because you love them?

 

Forgetting your situation, I think it depends on how you feel and how 'good' you think your relationship is. If you needed help for a medical issue, I'd assume you'd be willing to see a Doctor. Therapy isn't weak, it means you are willing to work on your relationship and be honest. Relationships are hard work and need to be worked at and nurtured. Therapy is a way to do that and learn skills that don't necessarily come naturally. It's whether you think that work is worth it. You don't have to do everything alone.

 

However, in your situation, I would say your BF needs individual therapy and couples therapy is not going to help. But he has to acknowledge that something is wrong and want to fix it. It doesn't sound like he does. You are dealing with behaviour that only hurts you and your relationship and that is not your burden to fix. He cannot function in a relationship as he has not sorted himself out first. You could stay while he works on himself but it doesn't sound like he's willing to. I'd bail.

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My opinion is likely an unpopular one, but I'm a firm believer that "couples therapy" is the kiss of death for any relationship. There is nothing that sucks the passion out between two people more than a dreadful office, a shrink's chair, and a mediator staring at you two for an hour while you argue. Sexy!

 

 

I am saying this from experience, as someone who has had therapy throughout different stages of my life.

 

 

Find alternative ways to resolve and reconnect.

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OP, he needs individual therapy. It is clear from your description that he has issues that are independent of the relationship, and he uses you as his emotional punching bag. That is emotional abuse.

 

I dated a man like this. It didn't end well. I would advise you to walk away. He has problems that couples' counselling isn't going to address.

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I agree with those who say he needs INDIVIDUAL therapy. Although I don't know if I agree that he's abusive. I think he's insecure. I do the same thing sometimes. I'm not proud of it. I don't think it's right. I think it's a "fragile male ego" thing. When my fiance says something negative about me, I feel attacked. My immediate response is to strike back. Say something negative about her, even if it's in no way related to the discussion. I don't do this only in our relationship, but in other areas of my life. I have worked on controlling this.

 

So it's a personal issue. Not a relationship issue. I feel the need to "hit back" if I perceive somebody is attacking me, even if that's not what's going on.

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heavenonearth
My opinion is likely an unpopular one, but I'm a firm believer that "couples therapy" is the kiss of death for any relationship. There is nothing that sucks the passion out between two people more than a dreadful office, a shrink's chair, and a mediator staring at you two for an hour while you argue. Sexy!

 

 

I am saying this from experience, as someone who has had therapy throughout different stages of my life.

 

 

Find alternative ways to resolve and reconnect.

 

Agreed. My boyfriend and his ex were in couples therapy for many years and I think the two things he got out of it were the realization that it is over, and the toolkit to move forward without her.

 

I am a strong believer in individual therapy, though, and it helped me a great deal with self-awareness and reflection on my social relationships.

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I always felt couple therapy is for married couples, couples living together, and couples with children.

 

If something goes wrong during dating you simply abort the relationship. You are not compatible or you are dating someone dealing with a bad character.

 

By the sound of it your boyfriend needs to seek personal therapy, not couples therapy. He sounds like someone with a bad character and you'll see yourself stuck in a very unhappy marriage with someone constantly complaining and nagging.

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In a dating situation, if there are that many problems before marriage and babies, it's not going to improve after. In fact, it has the potential to get worse. I would be more inclined to break it off. It's really a personal decision.

 

This guy has some serious baggage, and he could probably use some therapy, individual. It's a long road to heal, however. He blows disagreements out of proportion and then attacks you personally. Trust me, this will not stop. I came out of an abusive relationships, so I might be hypersensitive, but this is screaming emotionally abusive behavior. How does Weintstein discussion relate to you and foreplay? Personal attack, and now you're going to be insecure about his satisfaction and your abilities in the bedroom. Plus he put thoughts in your head as if they are reality.

 

I don't see a very good foundation here for marriage. You can stick it out, attend couple's therapy, expect him to seek individual therapy, but if he doesn't see anything wrong or doesn't want to do the work to change his thinking, it's just downhill from here, and a lot harder to undo once you're married and especially with children.

 

I don't see therapy as weak. I do think that if you have to do it before marriage and early in a relationship, it's not a good sign. When you're 5, 10 years into a marriage/relationship, kids, it could help to have a mediator and utilize tools to revamp your relationship, communication, etc., but when you're just barely getting started, your foundation is just rocky and cracked at best. It's just not a good start. It's really up to you if you wish to stick this out, but he has to be willing to work it really hard, and he's the one with serious issues by your description...I just don't think I'd do it.

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I always felt couple therapy is for married couples, couples living together, and couples with children.

 

If something goes wrong during dating you simply abort the relationship. You are not compatible or you are dating someone dealing with a bad character.

 

By the sound of it your boyfriend needs to seek personal therapy, not couples therapy. He sounds like someone with a bad character and you'll see yourself stuck in a very unhappy marriage with someone constantly complaining and nagging.

 

So you’re saying even if she seeks individual therapy to still bail? I believe he’ll go. He went on his own one time months ago, but stopped because he got very busy with school.

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In a dating situation, if there are that many problems before marriage and babies, it's not going to improve after. In fact, it has the potential to get worse. I would be more inclined to break it off. It's really a personal decision.

 

This guy has some serious baggage, and he could probably use some therapy, individual. It's a long road to heal, however. He blows disagreements out of proportion and then attacks you personally. Trust me, this will not stop. I came out of an abusive relationships, so I might be hypersensitive, but this is screaming emotionally abusive behavior. How does Weintstein discussion relate to you and foreplay? Personal attack, and now you're going to be insecure about his satisfaction and your abilities in the bedroom. Plus he put thoughts in your head as if they are reality.

 

I don't see a very good foundation here for marriage. You can stick it out, attend couple's therapy, expect him to seek individual therapy, but if he doesn't see anything wrong or doesn't want to do the work to change his thinking, it's just downhill from here, and a lot harder to undo once you're married and especially with children.

 

I don't see therapy as weak. I do think that if you have to do it before marriage and early in a relationship, it's not a good sign. When you're 5, 10 years into a marriage/relationship, kids, it could help to have a mediator and utilize tools to revamp your relationship, communication, etc., but when you're just barely getting started, your foundation is just rocky and cracked at best. It's just not a good start. It's really up to you if you wish to stick this out, but he has to be willing to work it really hard, and he's the one with serious issues by your description...I just don't think I'd do it.

 

I disagree. If you’re dating and you see an issue by all means try to fix it if you think the relationship is worth it. If you need help with communicating or hoeing I argue in a much healthy way, yea the foundation is a little weak but therapy is there to make it stronger. They’ll already have the tools going into marriage when it’s really going to count. Most couples will and should go seek outside help at some point, what’s the harm in getting a head start?

 

I think people should look at therapy as a positive thing; an opportunity to be better. No need to be so negative.

 

Also, I would be hurt if I need individual therapy and the person I want to marry isn’t willing to stick it out with me if I’m willing to go to try to get better. I would understand bailing, but I’d be hurt. Keep that in mind OP since you’re talking about marriage. If marriage isn’t on the table by all means go without hesitation.

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My opinion is likely an unpopular one, but I'm a firm believer that "couples therapy" is the kiss of death for any relationship. There is nothing that sucks the passion out between two people more than a dreadful office, a shrink's chair, and a mediator staring at you two for an hour while you argue. Sexy!

 

 

I am saying this from experience, as someone who has had therapy throughout different stages of my life.

 

 

Find alternative ways to resolve and reconnect.

 

Is finding a different way to reconnect going to help with ways to communicate better?

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My opinion is likely an unpopular one, but I'm a firm believer that "couples therapy" is the kiss of death for any relationship.

 

I don't think threads go back very far but I first come upon this site because my significant other and I went to therapy which she suggested! She also at the time was an Art Therapist.

 

It was all BS, look I was in love with this girl, and I used my work insurance to pay for the sessions. You know what she said at the end of one session?

 

"I cant believe you have to do so much talking in these sessions"

 

If you are NOT married don't waste your time, if you are arguing all the time jump ship now, unless you don't value your time, life and mental well being.

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Either you or him do not want to be together bad enough and that's why you're not accommodating the other.

 

That’s not true. I don’t think it has to do with accommodating. He has insecurity issues.

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I don't think threads go back very far but I first come upon this site because my significant other and I went to therapy which she suggested! She also at the time was an Art Therapist.

 

It was all BS, look I was in love with this girl, and I used my work insurance to pay for the sessions. You know what she said at the end of one session?

 

"I cant believe you have to do so much talking in these sessions"

 

If you are NOT married don't waste your time, if you are arguing all the time jump ship now, unless you don't value your time, life and mental well being.

 

It sounds like she wasn’t that committed to the process as she thought was going to be so of course it wasn’t going to work.

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So you’re saying even if she seeks individual therapy to still bail? I believe he’ll go. He went on his own one time months ago, but stopped because he got very busy with school.

 

If he goes to individual therapy you can give it a bit more time but he needs to be serious about it. One visit is not therapy and being busy is not an excuse.

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My opinion is likely an unpopular one, but I'm a firm believer that "couples therapy" is the kiss of death for any relationship. There is nothing that sucks the passion out between two people more than a dreadful office, a shrink's chair, and a mediator staring at you two for an hour while you argue. Sexy!

[...]

 

I think couples therapy can help, but it needs to happen much sooner, once issues start to surface but before the relationship has reached a dead end. I would say that couples therapy is generally a waste because it is often used at a time when neither side is being open to it, yet nobody wants to be the one giving up on the relationship.

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Forget my situation for a second. At what point in any relationship do you decide it’s best to let it go or try to make it work by getting outside help? I just think if it’s so bad that you need help because it’s your last resort isn’t that a sign that you should just walk away? Also, and I’m not judging others who have done this, but even considering therapy makes me feel like I’m weak. Shouldn’t I just move on and find someone better? I don’t want to turn into one of those people that when asked why do you stay, “because I love him”. Then I think to myself if you do go to couples therapy isn’t the main reason why you’re still fighting for the relationship because you love them?

 

 

Therapy is a tool. You’re going to a person who’s trained to help you unpack why you’re doing some of the things you’re doing or in the case of couples counseling identify where there’s dysfunction in the relationship. Nobody knows how to fix every problem on their own, and there’s no shame in looking to others to help fix something you can’t solve on your own. That’s how I look at it.

 

Here’s the thing about it - this “tool”/process is embodied in another person. Every person has their own values and preferences. Therapists are SUPPOSED to be able to completely remove their bias from your situation, but a lot of hem can’t do that consistently or well. So while therapy is a great tool, you have to find someone that can execute the process well. That means shopping around sharing your issues with folks over and over again, possibly having them give you bad recommendations and dealing with the repercussions of that, if and until you find the right therapist.

 

For a lot of couples, they’ve already expended so much emotional energy on their own trying to fix the relationship, and getting good therapy is another project that requires an emotional investment too. Sometimes you don’t have that extra energy to give - especially with no guarantee of a successful outcome - and that’s fine. Everyone’s got a limit.

 

All this to say I think knowing when to walk away is knowing how much failure/disappointment you can tolerate without a guarantee that things will ever be fixed or better. I think some people can put in the work and be happy knowing they’ve worked at it and their work has improved things, even if the problems are never completely resolved. Other folks need the problems to be resolved if they put in that work.

 

This guy has some pretty big personal issues, and unless he’s already working on his own to fix them (not just apologizing for behaving the way he does), it seems unlikely that you can fix the relationship.

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At what point in any relationship do you decide it’s best to let it go or try to make it work by getting outside help?

 

Go for therapy when you recognize you're at an impasse.

 

Break up when you recognize that they don't think they have a problem and won't go to therapy to get past the impasse. They'd rather be right and you can't negotiate with someone who thinks like that.

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Therapy is a tool. You’re going to a person who’s trained to help you unpack why you’re doing some of the things you’re doing or in the case of couples counseling identify where there’s dysfunction in the relationship. Nobody knows how to fix every problem on their own, and there’s no shame in looking to others to help fix something you can’t solve on your own. That’s how I look at it.

 

Here’s the thing about it - this “tool”/process is embodied in another person. Every person has their own values and preferences. Therapists are SUPPOSED to be able to completely remove their bias from your situation, but a lot of hem can’t do that consistently or well. So while therapy is a great tool, you have to find someone that can execute the process well. That means shopping around sharing your issues with folks over and over again, possibly having them give you bad recommendations and dealing with the repercussions of that, if and until you find the right therapist.

 

For a lot of couples, they’ve already expended so much emotional energy on their own trying to fix the relationship, and getting good therapy is another project that requires an emotional investment too. Sometimes you don’t have that extra energy to give - especially with no guarantee of a successful outcome - and that’s fine. Everyone’s got a limit.

 

All this to say I think knowing when to walk away is knowing how much failure/disappointment you can tolerate without a guarantee that things will ever be fixed or better. I think some people can put in the work and be happy knowing they’ve worked at it and their work has improved things, even if the problems are never completely resolved. Other folks need the problems to be resolved if they put in that work.

 

This guy has some pretty big personal issues, and unless he’s already working on his own to fix them (not just apologizing for behaving the way he does), it seems unlikely that you can fix the relationship.

 

He recognizes that he has an issue and went to therapy on his own before in July and stopped. I didn’t believe he needed to go before (I didn’t realize how bad you was), but now I know for certain therapy is needed. I guess I was just trying to figure out if the concept of therapy was silly for two people dating.

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Go for therapy when you recognize you're at an impasse.

 

Break up when you recognize that they don't think they have a problem and won't go to therapy to get past the impasse. They'd rather be right and you can't negotiate with someone who thinks like that.

 

Ah thank you. This makes it so much easier to decide. I just thought going to therapy while dating automatically meant it’s not going to work.

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