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Boyfriend got a female roommate


Lattes4Days

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My boyfriend is getting a female roommate tomorrow. I don't know her age and I don't know what she looks like, but he says she's a singer and she's from Argentina. She also doesn't have a car. I told him this made me really uncomfortable and she doesn't sound like a good reliable candidate. I asked him if he was going to drive her around everywhere, and he said "No, everyone uses uber in LA." She responded to his ad on craigslist, and he met her tonight, her and her friend came over and he showed her the room (a spare room in his apartment). He said, "She was nice. Seems very nice." I said "So is she renting the room?" and he said "Yes."

 

 

He says he was in a hurry to find a roommate because he really wants to go home to another state for the holidays to see his family and he needs money for a plane ticket (for Thanksgiving and Christmas). But why did he seriously have to pick a young attractive Argentinian singer who doesn't even have her own car?

 

 

Mind you, I already discussed with him that this made me very uncomfortable and I would prefer he had a male roommate. He said he prefers female roommates because he doesn't like other men in his space and thinks females are cleaner. I asked him if he thought she was attractive, he smiled and said "Shes not very ugly and she's not very beautiful. Average."

 

 

Even though he told me he wouldn't cheat on me, I still have my concerns. I texted him at 9 pm tonight and I said "Are you sure I don't have to worry about you and her? This honestly hurts a little." He didn't reply, its 2 AM now and I hope he just fell asleep. He also didn't seem concerned for my feelings at all, after he said she got the room, he said "Yay rent money! :)" no reassurance or anything. He knows this was bothering me.

 

 

I'm very concerned that he could cheat on me with this new roommate. Obviously that's a lot of time together, living with someone. Anything could happen. What if I meet her and she's gorgeous and they have great chemistry? I'm almost certain she's around our age. He wouldn't show me her picture when I asked to see her, he said he will if she actually rents the spare bedroom. This made me really suspicious of what she looked like.

 

 

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 months, so we are in that "building trust stage". Am I just supposed to be ok with this? Am I really supposed to act cool with this and just have blind trust in him? What if she comes onto him? I was on the verge of tears tonight just thinking about all of this.

 

 

What are your thoughts?

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This would be bothering me too. But at this stage of the relationship you can't really do anything about it.

 

You can either accept it or leave. It's up to you.

 

Would it be better if she was really ugly? Remember beauty is subjective. My boyfriend lives with a woman I consider stunning. He doesn't. If he were to cheat on me he'd choose hundreds of women over her.

 

I don't really stress about it and actually really like her.

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I personally wouldn't worry, there is nothing like living with someone you don't know to put you off ever seeing them romantically lol

 

A lot of guys do like female roommates as they are cleaner generally. They are also often more demanding roomates.

 

If living with another woman is a major issue for you then that's ok. But having shared flats with both sexes at university, I'd say it's very uncommon for flatmates to become lovers, especially if one is already taken.

 

I understand where you are coming from, but if he needs the money and she seems nice and not a psycho then I can see why he's happy. She may be beautiful, but wait to see what it like a month after she moves in, or better 5 months. I bet the most you hear about her is bitxhing from him.

 

Also if he can't keep his hands to himself then you don't want him anyway! Pretty quick way to find out. But if he's a good guy and you trust him, then trust him unless he gives you reason not to.

Edited by kassy
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You sound insecure, if he says he isn’t going to cheat, then believe him unless he does or say something that breaks your trust. A man doesn’t need a female roommate to cheat, he can cheat anytime. I think why he doesn’t give you assurance is because he doesn’t see it as a big deal. As for him not showing you her picture, maybe he knows you’re insecure and might be threatened or maybe he doesn’t see the point.

 

My ex boyfriend had females around him because of the nature of his job. But I trusted him and knew he loved me so I wasn’t bothered by it. And if he cheated, it would be his loss.

 

 

The only thing I can say is see how it goes. If he starts talking about her all the time, or distancing himself from you. Then yes, you would have reason to be suspicious. 3 months is still early and you don’t want to ruin it by constantly questioning him.

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Eternal Sunshine

I wouldn't like it, from personal experience. It's more OK if it's a large house with multiple people.

 

But 1-1 in an apartment? I hooked up with both of my former roommates and I wasn't even trying. It's a very intimate space. You see each other with not much clothes on, out of the shower, you often cook together, share a bottle of wine and talk about your problems late into the night. You watch netflix on the couch in the dark....just many moments for things to happen.

 

There would have to be zero chemistry for things not to happen.

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GunslingerRoland

You don't know her age, you haven't seen her and he described her as very average, and yet you have your mind made up that she is young and beautiful.

 

I don't think he's given you any reason to worry yet you are in full scale panic mode. You will push him away with this behavior.

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I'm very concerned that he could cheat on me with this new roommate.

 

Why? Is he easily led away from you to other women?

 

Last year about this time, I had a male roommate in my 2 bedroom apartment. He was temporarily between jobs, as a new one he'd applied for out of state had suddenly opened up and was able to move out after 6 weeks.

 

NOTHING HAPPENED. Why? Because we got clear before he moved in that he was not here for that. Had either of us 1. never had that conversation or 2. were already of that kind of mind, it might have happened. But because I was not open to it, it didn't take place.

 

Which is why I ask how trustworthy is your boyfriend and if he's easily led by other women? Is this an ongoing thing between you two? Any reason why you couldn't move in with him, since this arrangement bothers you that much?

 

Perhaps she's the only sane person who answered the ad and that's why he chose her. Sure, he could have had a guy move in who moved in his drug habits, his slovenly habits, his not cleaning up behind himself habits and if your boyfriend doesn't want to deal with that type of roommate, that's his prerogative.

 

You're going to have to dig down deep in your trust, provided it's not shallow as a puddle... or bounce. At only 3 months in, the representatives on their good behaviors have been sent packing and the real him and the real you is now at the fore---this is who he is, not who you've been dealing with.

Edited by kendahke
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I wouldn't like it, from personal experience. It's more OK if it's a large house with multiple people.

 

But 1-1 in an apartment? I hooked up with both of my former roommates and I wasn't even trying. It's a very intimate space. You see each other with not much clothes on, out of the shower, you often cook together, share a bottle of wine and talk about your problems late into the night. You watch netflix on the couch in the dark....just many moments for things to happen.

 

There would have to be zero chemistry for things not to happen.

 

Then it's best she finds out now at 3 months in, when relationships that have weak foundations begin to fail, that he's not the right guy for her and move on.

 

Unless OP is going to come up with the money he needs to meet his expenses and he's of the mind to take that money, then he's doing what he feels he needs to do to get the bills paid.

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MajesticUnicorn

I think you are overreacting, honestly. Of course your feelings are valid but I do think that you should try to look at the bigger picture. Additionally, after only dating for 3 months I think it's too soon to be playing the jealousy card and being so distrusting of him without any proof that he's done something wrong.

 

My ex boyfriend who I was in a LDR with lived with another female (who was indeed, "young and beautiful,") in a 2 bedroom apartment for 2 years. Granted, she had a boyfriend. I remember being in your shoes and freaking out about it, getting jealous and insecure, and automatically assuming the worst. But that really didn't change his living situation, and shortly after visiting him several times and seeing their dynamic, I realized I had nothing to worry about.

 

I'm now about to move in with three guys, and I am a female. I have no intentions of hooking up with any of them.

 

Sure, in a perfect world maybe your boyfriend would live with another dude. But it is very very common now for those of the opposite sex to live together. I think you should be confident in your relationship, if you're acting this distrusting and jealous this early on, it's only going to make him run the other direction.

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heavenonearth

Here you have your two standard opposing replies.

OP, I want you to read both of them again, and read also my commentary on them. I hope it puts things into perspective.

 

You sound insecure, if he says he isn’t going to cheat, then believe him unless he does or say something that breaks your trust. A man doesn’t need a female roommate to cheat, he can cheat anytime. I think why he doesn’t give you assurance is because he doesn’t see it as a big deal. As for him not showing you her picture, maybe he knows you’re insecure and might be threatened or maybe he doesn’t see the point.

 

My ex boyfriend had females around him because of the nature of his job. But I trusted him and knew he loved me so I wasn’t bothered by it. And if he cheated, it would be his loss.

The only thing I can say is see how it goes. If he starts talking about her all the time, or distancing himself from you. Then yes, you would have reason to be suspicious. 3 months is still early and you don’t want to ruin it by constantly questioning him.

 

This is spot on, and I would sign this right away. When I was younger and living with roommates and dating guys with female roommates, I was always jealous of these female roommates as well. I remember making a huge scene and this really drove my boyfriends nuts. I specifically remember being 22 and having been with my boyfriend, also 22, for about 3 months when he was looking for a new roommate. There was a girl who he considered to move in, they were old friends and I was very jealous of her. She wasn't even pretty, she actually was also very annoying, but my bf was desperate (this was NYC, high rents) to get a new roommate asap. I pestered him so much that he decided against her, thus lost 2 months of rent until he found the right roommate, and he actually was resentful towards me for this. We broke up a few months later. All that jealousy for nothing, only to drive my boyfriend away from me. Look, you need to realize that you are still in the 'honeymoon' phase -- this is NOT the 'trust building phase' as you described it. It's the honeymoon phase. The trust building phase comes later. Right now, you should be enjoying time with your boyfriend, getting to know each other, being all over each other, feeling confident about having someone be so crazy about you ,and and and. But instead you are already showing anxieties and insecurities that have clearly nothing to do with him and his actions - but with your own self image. You need to work on that, otherwise you will never be happy in your relationship.

 

Now let's check the other post and break it apart:

 

I wouldn't like it, from personal experience. It's more OK if it's a large house with multiple people.

 

But 1-1 in an apartment? I hooked up with both of my former roommates and I wasn't even trying. It's a very intimate space. You see each other with not much clothes on, out of the shower, you often cook together, share a bottle of wine and talk about your problems late into the night. You watch netflix on the couch in the dark....just many moments for things to happen.

 

There would have to be zero chemistry for things not to happen.

 

I completely disagree with this poster. Of course, her account is anecdotal and says more about her than about the general man/woman/roommate situation - plus, it is highly exaggerated. I have had male and female roommates, and most of the time you just exist next to each other, but you are not really friends. It is seldom, I think, that roommates become good friends. It happens, but it is not the norm. A roommate situation is at best when you get along, but are not too much in each others spaces. Most of the time, both parties prefer that. The above described situation is very rare, and I think the fact that your boyfriend is freshly in love WITH YOU, and NOT single, also plays a big role in it. He chooses to be with YOU! Every time you will pester and nag him about the female roommate, you will drive him further away. What you should do is show class and confidence, show him that you are happy that he found a roommate and doesn't have to worry about money. Once the girl has moved in, get to know her. Perhaps there can be a nice dinner at the house with the three of you and another friend of the new roomie. Be a mediator and communicator and of support in this situation - don't destroy a fresh relationship. And more so, don't even put ideas in your boyfriend's head! Even if the girl is hot, even if she walks around in her underwear (unlikely) in the apartment, what do you think will happen? That they all of a sudden jump at each other and have wild and heavy sex on the kitchen counter? Life is not a FRIENDS episode.

 

Good luck, OP! Just be cool! Take the high road. And take it step by step.

Edited by heavenonearth
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I would definitely be having the same feelings as you. I think he should of at least been more considerate of how you're feeling and showed you the picture of her. And since you are in the building of trust stage and it's a newer relationship you're feelings of insecurity are valid. But if he says he won't cheat - take his word for it. This is what building trust is. Whenever I have feelings of insecurity that someone will cheat, I remind myself that if they're going to cheat - it will happen. No amount of worrying, hypothetical situations and questioning him will stop it from happening. Try not to worry so much and work on building trust between the two of you.

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I wouldn't like this at all. I really feel for you.

He should be discussing things like this with you first rather than making decisions on his own.

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I wouldn't like this at all. I really feel for you.

He should be discussing things like this with you first rather than making decisions on his own.

 

Not at only 3 months in.

 

If OP doesn't have a key to his place and didn't offer to move in herself to help him out, then no.

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Just because they have parts that fit together doesn't mean sex is going to happen. That's like saying since a man has a penis, it's guaranteed he is going to rape women.

 

First off, you are not living together, you don't share a mortgage, or a lease with him so he can do whatever he needs to do to get extra money to see his family. Secondly, I doubt she will be there much to begin with. If she is looking into a music career, she's going to be busy at night, so they won't be seeing each other. Once she gets established, she's going to find better accommodations.

 

If your BF is going to cheat, he doesn't need to get a female roommate to do that, and he would have done it already if he is into making poor choices.

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MajesticUnicorn
I wouldn't like this at all. I really feel for you.

He should be discussing things like this with you first rather than making decisions on his own.

 

After 3 months of dating?

 

Or even after 3 months of dating?

 

When I am in a relationship, I don't feel like I owe it to my partner to get his permission to make decisions on my own. To me that sounds like a relationship that is suffocating, and headed towards turmoil.

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But 1-1 in an apartment? I hooked up with both of my former roommates and I wasn't even trying.
I remember you mentioning this quite a while ago. If I recall correctly, you flirted with one of them and he responded by making a move. I'd hardly call that "not trying". I'd hesitate to make the claim that your experience is the norm.
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But 1-1 in an apartment? I hooked up with both of my former roommates and I wasn't even trying.

 

Perhaps not, but I bet they were...

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He finally texted me back this morning saying "Good morning" I said "Good morning, did you get my last text?" and he said "Shes not even that good looking."

 

 

 

 

How do I know if hes being honest or just telling me what I want to hear? I could still meet her and she could be very pretty. Even if she is average, that also doesn't stop something from potentially happening.

 

 

I know I'm supposed to act cool with this because theres nothing else I can do. But I honestly don't know if I can trust him. I think he hinted at sleeping with his last roommate before he met me, and he is really attracted to women with brown eyes and brown hair which more than likely as an Argentinian woman, she looks like that.

 

 

I know I sound insecure, but I'm pretty sure he wouldn't like me living with another man, he gets jealous if I even mention going out at night with my friends.

 

 

what do you think about his choice of words?

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You have only been in this guy's life for 90 days. You don't get to dictate who he lives with or how he choses his roommates.

 

 

I would keep my eyes & ears open. You also need to meet this new roommate sooner rather than later. Mark your territory if you will.

 

 

If you don't like what you see & hear, get a new BF.

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MajesticUnicorn

If he gets jealous from you going out with your friends, it sounds like you have some bigger issues to address. At 3 months in, you should still be in your honeymoon phase. Not already distrusting one another and playing the jealousy card....and if you're BOTH doing it, then yeah that is kind of a sign that things are not going in the right direction...

 

Like someone else said earlier, be supportive of him, and ask to all have dinner together or something and you can mark your territory without seeming like a total crazy gf.

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Valerie Castro

I didnt read all the responses Im sure the guys are saying you are overreacting but sorry Im going to be the "typical girl" and say sorry but I think you should be worried. I had two male room mates when I was dating this guy. I was the only girl. Sometimes I'd come home and there'd be like 10 guys at the house playing video games. My room mates were unattractive, so were their friends (except one), and my man was like 6'6 and ridiculously hot so he had nothing to worry about, but I'll be honest, that one guy that was at the house once who I did find attractive....he would have definitely posed a threat to my relationship if it weren't for the fact that I met him only once very quickly, we barely even said Hi and I never saw him again. My boyfriend bitched and bitched and bitched about me having two male room mates till the very end. I swear I never heard the end of it. Im not saying I would have cheated on my boyfriend, but he wasn't crazy to be worried. I told him not to worry but....

 

Lets be honest here. You're boyfriend is living with someone of the opposite sex that he finds attractive. He didnt say she was ugly. Even if she was ugly, all it takes is a drunk night. My male room mates have seen me half naked and I have seen them half naked. As I said, luckily my boyfriend was hot and I wasn't even paying attention to those guys. I was out of the house as much as possible.

Edited by Valerie Castro
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heavenonearth
He finally texted me back this morning saying "Good morning" I said "Good morning, did you get my last text?" and he said "Shes not even that good looking."

 

How do I know if hes being honest or just telling me what I want to hear? I could still meet her and she could be very pretty. Even if she is average, that also doesn't stop something from potentially happening.

 

I know I'm supposed to act cool with this because theres nothing else I can do. But I honestly don't know if I can trust him. I think he hinted at sleeping with his last roommate before he met me, and he is really attracted to women with brown eyes and brown hair which more than likely as an Argentinian woman, she looks like that.

I know I sound insecure, but I'm pretty sure he wouldn't like me living with another man, he gets jealous if I even mention going out at night with my friends.

what do you think about his choice of words?

 

You need to stop obsessing over this so much. You should try to find out where your jealousy and trust issues come from. This has nothing to do with this guy, this is a deeply engrained problem that YOU are carrying around with you, and that you have been carrying around even before you met your boyfriend.

 

You need to work on yourself A LOT in order to make this relationship work. If you continue to indulge in the thought pattern as you wrote in the post I quoted above, then you will drive yourself AND your boyfriend crazy. He will likely end the relationship over this, you will meet someone new, and the same thing will happen again - and you will never address the root problem.

 

Speaking from experience here.

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You've been with this guy for 3 months. You have no say in who he chooses for a roommate. You can either trust that he won't do anything wrong or you can continue to spin yourself like a damn top. Or, if this is truly a dealbreaker for you, you can end the relationship.

 

See, you've got three options. Only you can decide which option is the best one for you.

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Sorry but I find this thread mindboggling.

 

How do people date people they have so little trust in!

 

If I was dating a guy who expressed this much distrust in my ability not to sleep with other men because they were there, then I would break up with them.

 

Don't your boyfriend's have female friends they see sometimes when you aren't there? Do you trust them then? What about if they went on holiday with a female friend? I just can't see ever dating someone who I wasn't sure I trusted, or trusted me.

 

I've lived with 10 guys as flatmates over the years, never had any situation where any of us came onto the other. We did become friends (mainly) but that was that. My boyfriend used to love coming over to my flat to hang with me and the 4 guys I flatted with.

 

At the end of the day, you don't need to be as trusting as me, although maybe you need to pick better men if you can't be, but if you have reason to be this distrustful of someone then you shouldn't be dating them. If you don't have reason and it's your own insecurity then you need to sort that out because the people who wouldn't cheat won't likely stand for a relationship where their integrity is continuously questioned for no reason. Which leaves you dating the guys who you probably shouldn't trust.

 

As far as I know I've never been cheated on nor cheated on anyone. Good people do exist but you have to give them a chance to prove it.

 

Also if he doesn't like you going out with your guy friends the to me this sounds unhealthy from both of you!

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I've got to be honest, I'd rather have a female roommate too. I've only had a few roommates in my life, but one of the guys was such a slob that it actually ruined the idea of ever having another roommate.

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