Threatened to hookup with my friend

[minou23]

Wow don’t even know where to start. I’ve been dating this guy for over a month maybe two by now. Yesterday I had mentioned to him that I got into a fight with my friend that day and that’s why I was feeling sad. I told him what happened and he said I should not be friends with her because she doesn’t sound like a good friend. One of the things I mentioned was that she got too comfortable to a guy I was dating in the past and then he ended up hitting her up. I told him it hurt me but I didn’t blame her for it. Then he asked which friend it was and to show him what she looked like and he said she looked like a h** and some other nasty things. I told him it wasn’t nice but he wasn’t the first person that has said those kinds of things about her...

 

Anyway today I jokingly texted him “delete my number” because he wasn’t responding and I wanted attention but I knew he was busy. I totally thought he would get the joke because the other day he texted me “don’t text me anymore” when I wasn’t responding. He was joking and said he just wanted attention. Ok whatever no big deal. Well when I sent that text he flipped out. First he said “I did” then I said “ok good” and then he said “I’ll bang so and so too”. So I was like how dare you I was joking! And he said “I’m not.” Ugh. And then he said you start sh*t. I explained it and he’s like “super funny.” And then I said that was so hurtful I can’t believe it and he said “think twice before you talk sh**.” Well he went on my friends Instagram account and looked at her pic (I know because it shows who sees it). But he didn’t message her or add her. He also hadn’t responded back to me. I know he’s doing it out of spite but what the heck! I don’t know what to think I’m flabbergasted. Is this some sick game of control? He knows where it hurts me so he’s using it against me? My friend said he didn’t have the intention of actually hitting on her but did it to get under my skin?

[Purepony]

You should have a serious conversation about how he handled things and tell him why it’s not acceptable and that you will not put up with it again.

 

I can see why he could get bothered but not to that extreme.

[Cookiesandough]

I don't think he was playing a game. I think he thought you were playing a game(it kind of appears that way) and he just has 0 respect for you or women in general (saying your friend looks like a *** etc.) He doesn't sound like a good guy.

[minou23]

So do you think he was serious about hooking up with her? I mean not that she’d go for it anyway... it reminds me of those dumb memes and bad internet advice that says something like “get even sleep with his best friend.” I feel like it’s a low blow. I’m not even so much bothered about what he said but more so that it’s like he’s doing this to try to hurt me really bad.

 

He always came off as super respectful to me since day 1 but the last couple of days hes been b**chy. And I don’t like a guy saying that about my friend but the sad thing is even my mom and a couple friends have said the same thing about her :/. Also he was telling me the night before that he didn’t want to lose me. And that he does care about me and blah blah.

[Zahara]

Two months in and he's showing you an ugly side. Pay careful attention. This doesn't look good at all.

[act00]

After only one month, there's significant arguing and cruelty. He crossed a line stating he'd hook up with your friend. While your joke was not necessarily the best, his reaction is a bit over the top. I would rethink maintaining this relationship. After stating he would hook up with her, it's kind of a lost cause anyway.

 

You should likewise think about your friendship with your friend. Is it typical for her to flirt and possibly hook up with yours and other friends' boyfriends? That's not cool.

[kassy]

Weird way to get attention, but if there is past jokes about it then maybe that makes sense.

 

But his reaction was really off.

 

I think a chat in person or on the phone (not texting as it's too easy to miscommunicate ) would be good. But it's a red flag for sure for me at least. He doesn't seem to know what line not to cross and so I imagine fights with him would get nasty. But then I think your call for attention was also over the line so maybe you wouldn't mind the drama. Everyone has a different tolerance for drama and mine is low.

[heavenonearth]

I disagree with the other posters on here who suggest that you should 'chat with him in person'.

The best thing you can do at this point is dump him and move on.

Yeah, you were playing a game, but what you were trying to do was playing a game he started. Why did he start it? Because he's a manipulative bastard. He is disrespectful towards women and he seems to not care one bit about your feelings. This is just how it starts with manipulators. He full on gaslighted you.

 

 

You deserve better.

[lovephule]

Is there anything likeable about this guy?

[smackie9]

You should be asking yourself if what you were doing was right. Obviously he was busy, maybe he was having a difficult time at work, and here you are looking for attention. [You] need to discover ways to communicate properly, but also learn to give space. If you knew he was busy, [] find something else to do with your time constructively. If you had done that none of this would have ever happened. Am I defending him? No I am not. He handled it like a d-bag.

 

[]

Edited October 26, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Topical content

[coolheadal]

Wow don’t even know where to start. I’ve been dating this guy for over a month maybe two by now. Yesterday I had mentioned to him that I got into a fight with my friend that day and that’s why I was feeling sad. I told him what happened and he said I should not be friends with her because she doesn’t sound like a good friend. One of the things I mentioned was that she got too comfortable to a guy I was dating in the past and then he ended up hitting her up. I told him it hurt me but I didn’t blame her for it. Then he asked which friend it was and to show him what she looked like and he said she looked like a h** and some other nasty things. I told him it wasn’t nice but he wasn’t the first person that has said those kinds of things about her...

 

Anyway today I jokingly texted him “delete my number” because he wasn’t responding and I wanted attention but I knew he was busy. I totally thought he would get the joke because the other day he texted me “don’t text me anymore” when I wasn’t responding. He was joking and said he just wanted attention. Ok whatever no big deal. Well when I sent that text he flipped out. First he said “I did” then I said “ok good” and then he said “I’ll bang so and so too”. So I was like how dare you I was joking! And he said “I’m not.” Ugh. And then he said you start sh*t. I explained it and he’s like “super funny.” And then I said that was so hurtful I can’t believe it and he said “think twice before you talk sh**.” Well he went on my friends Instagram account and looked at her pic (I know because it shows who sees it). But he didn’t message her or add her. He also hadn’t responded back to me. I know he’s doing it out of spite but what the heck! I don’t know what to think I’m flabbergasted. Is this some sick game of control? He knows where it hurts me so he’s using it against me? My friend said he didn’t have the intention of actually hitting on her but did it to get under my skin?

 

Yes he's mean so you have what we have in mean women goes through but a mean guy doing it. if you like the hot and cold behavior and he not going to say sorry for his actions. They never think they're to blame, he will say it's to you. Now you so confused. i say like this to me as well as women, there are things you put up with and things you just let go. Tolerate these sort of behavior why because you just can't let go of them. They are no better than you too. If they fear you going to leave them they'll come back with say relax I was just kidding.. instead of saying I am sorry baby girl please for give me. Nope they to mucho for that statement.

[kendahke]

He could have been showing her picture to someone else.

 

But aside from that--he's mean and he gaslights you.

 

I never text "don't text me anymore" to anyone I still want to hear from. In fact, I just block them and move on if I'm feeling that way.

 

What is for certain: you two have not known each other long enough to understand each other's senses of humor or needs in a relationship, so to think that dishing that right back would amount to him seeing it as a joke was a misstep on your part. You didn't know this guy well enough to assume that, and you drew back a nub.

 

My advice: grow thicker skin if you're going to deal with him or don't deal with him at all. He may not have it in him to be self reflective or to grow understanding for your feelings--he may be in it for sex and that's it.

[minou23]

He called me the next day. We talked about the situation. I told him it was so cruel what he did and he said he thought what I did was cruel and out of context. He said he wasn’t actually going to ask my friend but he was seriously hurt. I told him that no matter what someone does to me, if I think it’s malicious, I don’t have to treat them the same way back. I told him that at the end of the day, we’re all responsible for our own actions. So he can’t act like I brought this out even if he thinks what I did was malicious, when it was just meant to be lighthearted. He agreed and admitted to overreacting. He also apologized and asked to put it to rest. He seemed sincere. I also apologized. If this sort of behavior continues then I’ll bounce but I guess for now I’ll just have to teach him a more effective way of communicating that he’s hurt.

[kendahke]

So he can’t act like I brought this out even if he thinks what I did was malicious, when it was just meant to be lighthearted. He agreed and admitted to overreacting.

 

Actually, he can. He's entitled to his perception of what you did, just like you're entitled to your perception of what he did. He didn't know you well enough to know it was mean to be light hearted and his reaction is proof of that.

 

You both overreacted and have a cruel streak you're determined to ignore. The question is "why?" This whole debacle was avoidable had you not tried to go in with a hurtful "joke" of "delete my number". "Hey, what's up?" would have gone over way better.

[minou23]

Actually, he can. He's entitled to his perception of what you did, just like you're entitled to your perception of what he did. He didn't know you well enough to know it was mean to be light hearted and his reaction is proof of that.

 

You both overreacted and have a cruel streak you're determined to ignore. The question is "why?" This whole debacle was avoidable had you not tried to go in with a hurtful "joke" of "delete my number". "Hey, what's up?" would have gone over way better.

 

No, he cannot. He can be upset with me for what I said, sure, but he can’t blame me for how he chose to get revenge. You don’t cheat on someone and then say you made me do it! Maybe you were being neglected and felt lonely but at the end of the day if you choose to cheat, no one forced you to do it. That’s how you chose to remedy the situation. I’m also not the one that started it. He first said “don’t text me anymore.” So if he already has that sense of humor then why can’t I? And why can’t I assume he’s just gonna understand like he did with me? These are rhetorical questions by the way.

[Cookiesandough]

No, he cannot. He can be upset with me for what I said, sure, but he can’t blame me for how he chose to get revenge. You don’t cheat on someone and then say you made me do it! Maybe you were being neglected and felt lonely but at the end of the day if you choose to cheat, no one forced you to do it. That’s how you chose to remedy the situation. I’m also not the one that started it. He first said “don’t text me anymore.” So if he already has that sense of humor then why can’t I? And why can’t I assume he’s just gonna understand like he did with me? These are rhetorical questions by the way.

 

I don't think anyone has the gall to say he seems like a great guy, but it sounds like he completely lost respect/interest for you. Even a jerk doesn't treat a woman he wants to keep around like this. It doesn't seem like it was this isolated incident. You said he said "you start ****" which unless he's just lying/being manipulative implies you've exhibited attention seeking behavior lik/game playing like this in the past too

Edited October 25, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[minou23]

I don't think anyone has the gall to say he seems like a great guy, but it sounds like he completely lost respect/interest for you. Even a jerk doesn't treat a woman he wants to keep around like this. It doesn't seem like it was this isolated incident. You said he said "you start ****" which unless he's just lying/being manipulative implies you've exhibited attention seeking behavior lik/game playing like this in the past too

 

I think it’s just the language barrier. I think he meant you “started sh*t.” Like as in I brought this about not that I do it all the time. This is seriously a one-off thing, hard to believe, I know. Just this last weekend he was being weird. And he did work everyday of the week due to an event his company was putting on. So maybe his exhaustion made him extra snappy? I dunno. Anyway it’s weird because his English is perfect and eloquent but sometimes he doesn’t understand basic idioms. He’s been living here for 6 years and has a slight accent.

[Cookiesandough]

I think it’s just the language barrier. I think he meant you “started sh*t.” Like as in I brought this about not that I do it all the time. This is seriously a one-off thing, hard to believe, I know. Just this last weekend he was being weird. And he did work everyday of the week due to an event his company was putting on. So maybe his exhaustion made him extra snappy? I dunno. Anyway it’s weird because his English is perfect and eloquent but sometimes he doesn’t understand basic idioms. He’s been living here for 6 years and has a slight accent.

 

Oh okay I see. Sorry. I think you should not bother with him anymore. Being tired isn't an excuse to act that way. I know you won't dump him, but you should! Also my advice is not to say things like "lose my number" "don't contact me again" that even if he says it and claims it's a joke. In fact, that should turn you off instead of be cute to you. Red flag

[OnlyHonesty]

This is a classic egoic based connection which is why there will continue to be so many misunderstandings and a lack of respect. The question is, why are you still pursuing it? This must be feeding some secondary gain, addiction, boredom, attention seeking, or void somewhere because nothing in this connection is wholesome or enlightening.

Edited October 25, 2017 by OnlyHonesty

[kendahke]

No, he cannot. He can be upset with me for what I said, sure, but he can’t blame me for how he chose to get revenge.

 

Seriously---yes he can. He can do/say anything he wishes to say. You don't have to give him future audiences if he says something you don't like. Since you are going to give him future audiences, then it'd be a good idea to brace yourself for him flinging cruel words back in your teeth because from what you've written, that's how he rolls.

 

You don’t cheat on someone and then say you made me do it! Maybe you were being neglected and felt lonely but at the end of the day if you choose to cheat, no one forced you to do it. That’s how you chose to remedy the situation.

 

Cheating? Where does it say he was cheating? That's non sequitur to what you posted.

 

I’m also not the one that started it. He first said “don’t text me anymore.”

 

You may not have started it, but you lowered yourself to his level instead of leaving him alone. If someone texted me something that disrespectful, he'd have been on block immediately because I'm not so hard up for a boyfriend that I would put up with him talking to me like that.

 

So if he already has that sense of humor then why can’t I? And why can’t I assume he’s just gonna understand like he did with me? These are rhetorical questions by the way.

 

I"m not treating them as such because they are excuses for pointless, base behavior.

 

The fact of the matter is: you two hardly know one another and your premature foray into familiarity has caused you to draw back a nub. However hard you think you can go in with him, he can top it. You can't hang and the proof of that is this thread.

 

Do yourself a huge favor: find another guy to deal with. Or grow some really thick skin and take the verbal punishment he deals out in exchange for "joking" with him. It would appear he is more than ready for your challenges and is adept at squashing the attempt.

 

At the end of the day, you can find someone else to date--he's not the only guy you can get is he?

[darkmoon]

look for better

[kendahke]

Cheating? Where does it say he was cheating? That's non sequitur to what you posted.

 

If someone is cheating on you and you know it, you don't stick around and tolerate it. You leave, unless you're that weak that you have no options or think you can't do any better for yourself and you stay and devolve into a whinging mess with no self esteem while they walk all over you.

 

STILL--if someone disrespects you, you don't stick around for them to bring more.

 

It's in this guy's nature to be like this because he unzipped this lizard this soon after meeting him. If you can't handle that, you need to bounce; but you don't get points or gold stars for sticking around and going for more punching matches your feelings aren't going to be able to handle.

 

There comes a point where your grace and dignity forbids you stepping any further into this mess. Summon them and be done with him.

[knabe]

You should be asking yourself if what you were doing was right. Obviously he was busy, maybe he was having a difficult time at work, and here you are looking for attention. To me you both are childish, and need to discover ways to communicate properly, but also learn to give space. If you knew he was busy, for f sakes go find something else to do with your time constructively. If you had done that none of this would have ever happened. Am I defending him? No I am not. He handled it like a d-bag.

 

I have a feeling things go deeper than this incident and we are only getting the light version of your relationship issues.

 

Exactly. Telling someone you KNOW is busy to delete your # because you want attention is I infantile. And he was a jerk too.

[Cookiesandough]

You're way too caught up on whether or not this guy is going to sleep with your friend. He's probably entertaining the thought, but don't you trust your friend? If not why are they your friend? You should be more concerned about how this man is treating you and the other ppl you don't know and that don't care that he's probably sleeping with if you want exclusivity w him

[minou23]

You're way too caught up on whether or not this guy is going to sleep with your friend. He's probably entertaining the thought, but don't you trust your friend? If not why are they your friend? You should be more concerned about how this man is treating you and the other ppl you don't know and that don't care that he's probably sleeping with if you want exclusivity w him

 

I’m ignoring the other hurtful comments and the comments that don’t make sense because people on here completely misread some of my posts... anyway I’m not worried about my friend going for it. I know she wouldn’t. And I talked to him. He said he wasn’t actually going to do it. But he felt hurt and said he overreacted and then he apologized. Anyway we are exclusive. He told me he isn’t seeing anyone else and I have no reason not to believe it.