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Male friend fallen for me? He's now acting distant! ***Updated***


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Old 22nd October 2017, 12:07 AM   #1
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Male friend fallen for me? He's now acting distant! ***Updated***

I have been in a relationship for 3 years. My partner and I were at a birthday party a month ago and met a guy. The three of us got on well together, but the two of them spent more time talking as I got caught up with other friends.

After the party, my partner and I both independently added this guy onto our Facebook accounts.

My partner and him would chat online. About a week aftet the party, I candidly said hi to this guy online. We got chatting. He then asked if I was coming to a dinner my partner had arranged next week? I said I had plans and couldn't go.

About a week later we innocently chatted again. He asked me if I was coming to another dinner in a week's time my partner had arranged for us and some friends and I said yes I'd be there. He'd now asked me twice if if be coming to these dinners.

Over the following week we chatted significantly more. He was asking me about my favourite TV shows, if I liked to cook, my favourite sports, interests things like that. I told him about a tv series I liked and immediately that night he watched it and the exact episode I had referenced, and when I woke up the next day he told me what he thought about it. He started sharing stories with me about his younger years and was curious as to my experiences.

Our conversation seemed to flow very effortlessly and naturally.

The dinner night came and I of course went with my partner, this guy was there and a few of our friends. The dinner was fine and we all ate and left.

In the days following dinner, the guy was extremely quiet online. We still chatted most days but he was very disengaged. No probing questions about my life, nothing. Though he and my partner continued to chat a lot!

There have been two further events where he and my partner attended together (along with our other friends) but he hasn't asked me if I will be going, or messaged me to see where I was.

The final time we spoke I told him about an incident at work where someone was talking about their problems to me. He replied to that saying - I was a very kind and gentle natured person and it's easy for people to open up and share things with me.

I responded to that message several days ago, but he hasn't even opened the response - yet he is online talking to my partner and in fact they caught up to watch a game together today.

Why is he so distant now - yet before he is watching tv shows I mention and asking me if I'm coming out with them? It's very confusing! Is it because he may have developed feelings for me but because I have a partner (whom he is friends with) he can't let our friendship grow anymore? This is really bugging me!
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Old 22nd October 2017, 12:37 AM   #2
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You really don't know why he's being distant, OP?

You're not single. He is also friendly with your boyfriend. He knows these chats you two have been having are probably not headed in a good direction so he backed off.

The question is, why do you care? I mean that sincerely. You have a boyfriend, but I sense that you are the one developing feelings. Are you bored or unhappy in your relationship? That's really what you should be asking yourself.
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Old 22nd October 2017, 1:13 AM   #3
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Thanks for your reply. I do ask myself that question yes.

My partner is asexual. He has refused to have sex with me over the past 3 years, apart from a 3 or 4 week period several months into the relationship after which he disclosed to me he is asexual. After me trying to convince us to attend therapy and it always falling through his answer to the problem is I should go and have sex with other people.

I always valued monogamy. So that really isn't an option for me. I want my partner to not want me to have sex with other people.

I love him, so it's hard for me to leave. I'm so sexually starved though I can't help developing feelings and thoughts towards other guys. Just to clarify I have never engaged in any activity outside the relationship as I think it would eventually erode trust we have in each other.

This does make me unhappy though, yes. This is probably where my unsettled feeling comes from.
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Old 22nd October 2017, 1:18 AM   #4
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Maybe he's trying for your partner now and that's why he isn't focusing on you.
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Old 22nd October 2017, 2:04 AM   #5
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It sounds like he was just trying to get to know you a bit better.

If he has no feelings for you, it would be no different than the communication with other friends. You talk periodically. It's not that's he's being distant intentionally. You are just perceiving it that was as you are interested.

Since you are somewhat interested in him romantically, you are counting down the time between conversations and over-analyzing his behaviors via projection.
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Old 22nd October 2017, 3:18 AM   #6
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OP, you can't expect any guy to get involved with you seriously if you're attached to another man, or it's going to take a lot longer and be harder to find someone who can deal with this situation.

The sex is easy. It's really not that hard to get laid.

Getting a good lay is a challenge. Getting a man that is both a friend and a lover is a challenge.

You are the woman who is still stuck to her ex-boyfriend or the man still attached to his ex-girlfriend, except you are actively involved with this person. You are the woman who is still "buddies" with her ex. Any LSer would be saying, she's not available, she's still attached to her ex, dump and run...and here you are, actively attached to this man. You want monogamy, and you're fretting over a guy who stopped talking to you because you are in a relationship.

You can't have it both ways.

Dump your unsatisfying relationship.

You got a tiny taste of what you can have.

You need to move on, break up, and find a man that trips all your triggers, or figure out how to work polyamory.
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Old 22nd October 2017, 4:09 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Toshop89 View Post
I have been in a relationship for 3 years. My partner and I were at a birthday party a month ago and met a guy. The three of us got on well together, but the two of them spent more time talking as I got caught up with other friends.

After the party, my partner and I both independently added this guy onto our Facebook accounts.

My partner and him would chat online. About a week aftet the party, I candidly said hi to this guy online. We got chatting. He then asked if I was coming to a dinner my partner had arranged next week? I said I had plans and couldn't go.

About a week later we innocently chatted again. He asked me if I was coming to another dinner in a week's time my partner had arranged for us and some friends and I said yes I'd be there. He'd now asked me twice if if be coming to these dinners.

Over the following week we chatted significantly more. He was asking me about my favourite TV shows, if I liked to cook, my favourite sports, interests things like that. I told him about a tv series I liked and immediately that night he watched it and the exact episode I had referenced, and when I woke up the next day he told me what he thought about it. He started sharing stories with me about his younger years and was curious as to my experiences.

Our conversation seemed to flow very effortlessly and naturally.

The dinner night came and I of course went with my partner, this guy was there and a few of our friends. The dinner was fine and we all ate and left.

In the days following dinner, the guy was extremely quiet online. We still chatted most days but he was very disengaged. No probing questions about my life, nothing. Though he and my partner continued to chat a lot!

There have been two further events where he and my partner attended together (along with our other friends) but he hasn't asked me if I will be going, or messaged me to see where I was.

The final time we spoke I told him about an incident at work where someone was talking about their problems to me. He replied to that saying - I was a very kind and gentle natured person and it's easy for people to open up and share things with me.

I responded to that message several days ago, but he hasn't even opened the response - yet he is online talking to my partner and in fact they caught up to watch a game together today.

Why is he so distant now - yet before he is watching tv shows I mention and asking me if I'm coming out with them? It's very confusing! Is it because he may have developed feelings for me but because I have a partner (whom he is friends with) he can't let our friendship grow anymore? This is really bugging me!
That is definitely it.... For us guys it ***kin sucks being attracted to our friends gf...i am surprise he let it get to the point it got to.

Its torture being attracted to a girl and seeing her with another guy and thats especially true if that guy is someone you are friends with because it means you can pretty much never have her. Guys and i am sure this is true for girls cant just decide to turn off their attraction/feelings for someone and have them see you only as friend when in reality they want to have sex with you and have a relationship with you ...its not an on off switch the only option for him is to back off here and not torture himself talking to you.
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Old 22nd October 2017, 11:38 AM   #8
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Originally Posted by Toshop89 View Post
Thanks for your reply. I do ask myself that question yes.

My partner is asexual. He has refused to have sex with me over the past 3 years, apart from a 3 or 4 week period several months into the relationship after which he disclosed to me he is asexual. After me trying to convince us to attend therapy and it always falling through his answer to the problem is I should go and have sex with other people.

I always valued monogamy. So that really isn't an option for me. I want my partner to not want me to have sex with other people.

I love him, so it's hard for me to leave. I'm so sexually starved though I can't help developing feelings and thoughts towards other guys. Just to clarify I have never engaged in any activity outside the relationship as I think it would eventually erode trust we have in each other.

This does make me unhappy though, yes. This is probably where my unsettled feeling comes from.
well yeah you care. You sound like you are emotionally cheating--which TBH would probably hurt your partner as much as physical cheating--well maybe for some it does, some it doesn't. Here's the thing: are you just so starved for attention or is there something special about this one guy? And the MOST important point: why are you acting so passive about your life? If you have virtually no physical relationship with your partner, you are not happy and you need to deal with that.
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Old 22nd October 2017, 12:46 PM   #9
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OP, you need to deal with the much bigger problem here - you're unhappy in your relationship and you're not sexually compatible with your boyfriend.

I don't see a way forward for you. You want sexual intimacy, but your boyfriend can't and won't provide it for you. He is unwilling to try to change that. You are starting to have a wandering eye.

You can stay with him if you want, but it's pretty clear it's not going to work much longer.
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Old 22nd October 2017, 6:49 PM   #10
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Thank you so much for all your honest replies. I really do appreciate it. I know that I need to deal with the problem in my relationship 😟

I don't know how to leave my boyfriend. He has lots of lovely characteristics, though I just don't think I can go through life not having sex with the man I love. The fact I love him is what makes it so difficult to leave.

When I think about my relationship and try to weigh up the pros and cons, he does treat me well, he is reliable and dependable, a hard worker and is very financially savvy. That last point especially complements my personality. I'm a giver, I give things to other people and before I met him I didn't have much in the way of savings or other assets. He has taught me so much and been very patient with me. But we can't have sex.

Any help on how I can actually convince myself to break up with him? I've been on this merry-go-round of do we break up, don't we break up for at least 12 months. I've spoken to him about it his response was "I'll be here for as long as you want me to stay, until you ask me to leave". He won't leave me. I have to be the one to pull the pin, but can't seem to get the willpower to do it.
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Old 23rd October 2017, 1:19 AM   #11
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Thank you so much for all your honest replies. I really do appreciate it. I know that I need to deal with the problem in my relationship 😟

I don't know how to leave my boyfriend. He has lots of lovely characteristics, though I just don't think I can go through life not having sex with the man I love. The fact I love him is what makes it so difficult to leave.

When I think about my relationship and try to weigh up the pros and cons, he does treat me well, he is reliable and dependable, a hard worker and is very financially savvy. That last point especially complements my personality. I'm a giver, I give things to other people and before I met him I didn't have much in the way of savings or other assets. He has taught me so much and been very patient with me. But we can't have sex.

Any help on how I can actually convince myself to break up with him? I've been on this merry-go-round of do we break up, don't we break up for at least 12 months. I've spoken to him about it his response was "I'll be here for as long as you want me to stay, until you ask me to leave". He won't leave me. I have to be the one to pull the pin, but can't seem to get the willpower to do it.
Well it looks like you will have to pull the pin then. Listen, sometimes making the BEST choice for ourselves is not the easiest choice. In fact, it may be the hardest choice. It serves you no purpose except wasting time at this point to KEEP putting your head in the sand and ignoring this major issue. Time is now to address it (which I guess means break up since he refuses to change or cannot). It seems hard now but ultimately you will save yourself a lot of time and heartache. good luck
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Old 22nd November 2017, 8:48 PM   #12
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In a sexless relationship. I've met a male friend. Does he like me?

I've been partnered for over 3 years. My boyfriend does not like sex and after the first 2 months I no longer get any sex, in fact it's reached a point now where the thought of sex with my partner actually isn't so.ething I want to entertain. We however have a good emotional bond, and this is why I've stayed with him.

My boyfriend and I were at a function several months ago and we met another guy and all of us got chatting. I added the other guy on Facebook (as did my boyfriend) and him and I began to talk with this other guy. I initiated the conversation but I got the impression early on that he wanted to be around me, several dinners were coming up and he asked me if I would be attending!

Over the course of the following weeks him and I would speak online and we often got to talking about our childhood, our families, favourite movies, life experiences. Whenever I'd talk about something he'd always message back and ask another question to keep conversation flowing. He knew that I was partnered and would go and at times hang out with my boyfriend doing things.

My feeling for him really started to grow. I honestly had this feeling that his did as well. He brought up about his nieces and nephews and asked me if I thought about having children. He remembered my work schedule and days I took off from work and even referenced back to things I'd mentioned in old conversations. He'd make mention of Facebook photos I'd put up (which he hadn't liked or commented on) amongst other things. I just had this vibe that there was this chemistry. Even though he would do all this he would make our contact very very scarce, would sometimes take 24hrs to reply to a message.

I got the feeling he also had feelings but was suppressing them because I had a partner and he was distancing himself from me.

Last weekend I asked him if we could meet up and he agreed to have breakfast. The entire 2 hours we sat there and didn't stop talking. He was sitting at me across the table leaning in and making eye contact the entries time. He again referenced old stories I'd told him about my life and he told me a lot about his family, his upbringing, his belief systems, hobbies and other things. He paid for my meal (but I refused and paid him back)

About 10 minutes after he left he sent me a message saying he had a nice time with me. While we were together things seemed to click and were natural. No awkward pauses, conversation flowed - I can't really put it into words. He didn't mention my partner even once during the entire meal. I looked at one point while he was talking to me and we locked our gaze for about 4 seconds before he looked away. He asked me if I'd thought about living abroad and I listed a few countries, when I asked him the same question the main country I'd listed he also listed as well!

I wanted to see him again. But I realise I'm partnered. I causally asked him if we could meet on saturday again, but he said he was busy. But he did ask how was my day off work (I told him I had a particular day off work every week about 2 Months ago but that was the last I mentioned it)

I can see the problem, I'm unhappy in a sexless relationship and need to leave my partner. I have tried and tried to leave but he always seems to pull me back but I'm not happy


But now as well, I like this other guy. I can't work out if maybe I've made it all up in my head or if there is some Chemistry between us and he is acting distant and aloof so as not to break us up or be the "other guy".

Firstly, am I sensing things wrong? Is this other guy interested in me but keeping his distance and being very guarded? Or could I have read too much into the whole thing?

Second, how can I leave my current partner? We have tried but we always seem to be magnetised back to each other.

Have I totally ruined any chance of being with this other guy now?
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Old 22nd November 2017, 9:23 PM   #13
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I've been partnered for over 3 years. My boyfriend does not like sex and after the first 2 months I no longer get any sex, in fact it's reached a point now where the thought of sex with my partner actually isn't so.ething I want to entertain. We however have a good emotional bond, and this is why I've stayed with him.
I didn't even read anything past this paragraph. You and your boyfriend are just good friends. Break up and go find someone who suits you better in ALL ways.
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Old 22nd November 2017, 10:43 PM   #14
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Do you live with your current boyfriend?

I don't understand how you can't leave him. Don't make it about the new guy. Who cares if there is anything there with the new guy. You need to break up with the boyfriend because you are unhappy and don't have sex. Not because of anything else.

Break up with him, and if you have failed many times before then stop all communication with him, there is lots of advice in the break up forum of loveshack which can help.

2 months then no sex and you are still there 3 years later! My mind is blown!
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Old 22nd November 2017, 11:19 PM   #15
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This is simple: You end the first relationship BEFORE starting a new one.
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