Missing toxic yet not toxic ex

[Quokka]

So I’m finding myself missing my toxic ex. We have been on and off dating for 5 years I first met her when I was 16 I am now 21 she is 22. We did everything together and it was always me and her she knows me more than anyone. She was my best friend as I, hers.

We break up because she is bipolar, mentally unstable, depression, anxiety, and a whole load of substance abuse issues.

I myself struggle with substance abuse being alcohol only, depression, and general anxiety disorder.

We both have a lot of childhood trauma that causes are mental illnesses but who doesn’t have problems? Ours may just be a little more difficult to deal with.

She has cheated on me once. She has broken my trust multiple times. And we have broken up in a total of three times in 5 years.

Now that I have mentioned all of the negative let me mention some positives.

I have stated that despite all of this she was after all, my bestfriend. I can be myself with her, she is the first person I want to show/tell things to. Though there are a lot of negatives I have a lot of positive and memorable moments with her one example is we were snowed in and both broke and walked through the snow to wal-mart and stole a bunch of groceries and running home and laughing and even though illegal (we were really young) it was one of the most exhilarating and beautiful moments of my life. We don’t speak right now however, she has texted me last week telling me she missed me and wanted to see me and my response was that I didn’t want to see her nor talk to her and she was clearly upset which I ignored. I did this because our last break up ended badly.

I have went to rehab for alcoholism, detoxed and did a 30 day inpatient program and I am now back home as of two weeks ago. In my sobriety I am finding myself very bored and lonely and dating is exhausting it takes so much work to get to know someone else, weighing the pro’s and con’s, and then deciding if they’re a good partner. I don’t like dating it makes me extremely exhausted. I miss her, my girlfriend, and most importantly my bestfriend.

Yet, I am very conflicted on acting upon these emotions I’m feeling. She has been all I’ve dreamt about for the past week. Though we love each other, she hurts me every single time and the hurt makes me lose jobs, makes me hit the bottle, and drives me into a bad place mentally.

I need advice on how to either get over, or act on these feelings based off the information I have provided to whoever took the time to read.

 

By the way, the title means yes she is toxic in the breakups but not toxic in the relationship

 

Thanks so much

-quokka

xo

[Gaeta]

You need to block her and move on as hard this can be. Yes it's lonely now but it will pass. There will be many moments in your life you'll feel lonely and you'll have to work through it. Going back to her only means falling back in alcohol, drugs, losing jobs and a crazy life. It needs to stop. You won't be 22 forever. You need to aligned your life toward something constructive and positive.

 

To help go through this you need a support group. If you've been to rehab then you must have a sponsor? like a big brother assigned to you that is there to help you through all this. Talk to him, ask him how to cope with all this.

 

Don't go back, you will only find yourself in the same hole as before.

[Cookiesandough]

By the way, the title means yes she is toxic in the breakups but not toxic in the relationship

 

Thanks so much

-quokka

xo

 

If relationship wasn't toxic there wouldn't be break ups. Break ups are not like a normal part of a relationship's progress

[act00]

You're longing for this old comfort zone, a dangerous and toxic comfort zone, but it is your comfort zone. The fact that theft with this woman is one of your fondest memories is terribly suggestive of how wrong this relationship is. Neither of you have a "stop button." You have zero self-control, and you now have major addiction on board...you simply have to stay away. She has zero boundaries and you have zero boundaries, and together, it's a minefield.

 

It's normal to feel this loss. It's normal to want to go back because you remember the good parts. You don't remember the bad parts. You as a couple don't work. She's toxic and you shouldn't even be thinking about relationships right now...you are toxic too, and you're just going to attract more dysfunction...it's the only thing you know and feel comfortable with right now.

 

This woman sounds more unhinged than you, and you have no capacity to deal with her garbage while you're dealing with your own garbage. Accept the loss, accept the void, find a healthy interest to fill the void and occupy yourself. It's all about making positive changes. You absolutely cannot rely on her to be a positive point in your life. After five years of turmoil, you need to take the "hint"...it's not a good combo.