24-years old and never been on a date...how can I fox this?

[PKrueger24]

I've been here before and those of you who recognize my username will likely know my post is bound to be pathetic. I'm a 24-year old male who has lived with social anxiety for so long it feels like it's all I talk about. I'll be very open and admit that I've never had a girlfriend, been on exactly one date in my life, and am in fact still a virgin.

 

I don't think I'm terribly unattractive. I'm not a mean person and I do have some good points, but I'm also socially awkward and reserved. I've asked girls out before, but most often been met with "You're very sweet, but I'll have to pass," or "I have a boyfriend," and the one date I did have ended with never hearing from her again.

 

So I'm now far too anxious to approach women. I've tried online dating as well and I've considered going to a bar to try and meet them, but I'm much too anxious to even step into a club, much less approach a strange woman. So because I'm now too anxious to approach a woman or ask out ones I already know and like, my prospects of meeting women are very low and unlikely to change. I can only think that I'm much more attractive than I think or that my terrible fear of rejection is just incredibly obvious to women and that find it offputting.

 

Any advice?

[olivetree]

I think men that are the most successful with women don't let rejection deter them or affect their confidence.

They view the whole dance of pursuit as fun and a learning experience.

 

Every man faces rejection when pursuing women.

He simply isn't going to be everyone's cup of tea/the woman is taken, etc.

 

In your case, I'd back on the horse and keep trying, but take the pressure off of yourself by removing the goal.

Focus more on being friendly with people (men and women) for no more than the enjoyment of it.

This should help with the social anxiety and just getting comfortable talking to people in general.

[RecentChange]

What steps have you taken to over come your social anxiety?

 

Have you tried counseling to aquire some tools to over come your anxiety?

 

The truth is the men that are most successful with women are the out going, confident, charming type.

 

If you are insecure or anxious it's hard to draw people to you, or make them want to get to know you.

 

The fact that you say that you feel like you only talk about your social anxiety is telling.

 

It defines you. You need to control it so your other qualities shine and the anxiety is pushed to the shadows.

[Romantic_Antics]

You need to work on your social anxiety before attempting to pursue another relationship. That is at the heart of your inability to get into one. While it's admirable to try to get back into the saddle and keep trying, your saddle isn't strapped in place and you'll just fall right back off. The more you fall off, the more banged up you'll get until eventually you'll be unfit to even ride the horse.

 

Secure your saddle first (aka work on yourself) then try going for a ride.

[Cobra_X]

I've been here before and those of you who recognize my username will likely know my post is bound to be pathetic. I'm a 24-year old male who has lived with social anxiety for so long it feels like it's all I talk about. I'll be very open and admit that I've never had a girlfriend, been on exactly one date in my life, and am in fact still a virgin.

I don't think I'm terribly unattractive. I'm not a mean person and I do have some good points, but I'm also socially awkward and reserved. I've asked girls out before, but most often been met with "You're very sweet, but I'll have to pass," or "I have a boyfriend," and the one date I did have ended with never hearing from her again.

So I'm now far too anxious to approach women. I've tried online dating as well and I've considered going to a bar to try and meet them, but I'm much too anxious to even step into a club, much less approach a strange woman. So because I'm now too anxious to approach a woman or ask out ones I already know and like, my prospects of meeting women are very low and unlikely to change. I can only think that I'm much more attractive than I think or that my terrible fear of rejection is just incredibly obvious to women and that find it offputting.

Any advice?

 

Yes. I have tons of advice. My first piece of advise is "don't get dating advice from women". Their experience with dating is completely different and they generally don't understand OR CARE what it's like for socially awkward young men.

 

The first thing you need to tackle is anxiety. Do you have anxiety talking to men? Or do you just get anxious around women? That is a key distinction and fixing each requires different steps.

 

Next thing to tackle is understanding what attracts women to a man. Many of these attraction factors are within your control. Most guys make the mistake of thinking women are just like men and it's virtually all face and body. When they get no female attention it makes them believe they are ugly or somehow broken. This isn't the case. You just need to tailor your look and actions to what women find attractive. Do you know a place where you can research this information?

[morrowrd]

Going to a bar or club is out of the question. You don't fit in, and you can't pretend. You'll get a girl, but you're going to have to do a little work on yourself first. Girls like security, and if you're insecure about yourself, you need to fix that. If you think it's harder than it seems, you're right, but you're 24...you have time. "Getting security" takes time, effort, and determination. I'm assuming you're employed? If not, get a job...use it as a "school of life" and begin to work on things. If you don't have a workout program, start one....and determine it's for life. A workout program over time, builds your self confidence and esteem in ways that supplement your inner work. Work on communication and listening skills. "The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense" by Suzette Hayden Elgin I highly recommend to use as a foundation. A formula I live by: Will + Faith + Purpose = Power. Power is the ability to change things, because you can. Faith is your personal self confidence which is increased every time you exercise your personal "Will" successfully.

 

I am VERY anti-social and always have been. I went through what I call "personal reform" at 29. The above scratches the surface of what I worked on but I'm willing to come back to this if you're interested.

 

People like us, unlike the rest of the world who can go from point A to point B without too much trouble. People like us however, we have to go from point A to point AB, to B, but once we learn to adapt ourselves we can go from A to AB to B so fast, nobody notices.

 

You'll get there with a little work. If I can do it, anyone can. I have enjoyed a very successful love life as a result of my inner work. It took me ten years, hopefully it won't take you as long.

 

We're brothers actually. I may not have social anxiety or phobia, but I was very unsuccessful socially all my life until I went through "personal reform." And even now, I'm successful to a point...I'm still extremely anti-social, only now I can succeed socially. I go into the world, (work, other) and withdraw to my home. I never have visitors other than my fiancee's family or my son. Anyone else is an intruder. (I could write a book here, but I'm pretty sure you understand.)

 

I wish you luck and like I said, I'll go deeper if you'd like.

Edited October 11, 2017 by morrowrd