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Where is this even going?


amkxoxo

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I met this guy online and we started talking a little over a month ago. He seemed nice. Asked a lot of questions about me and my life. I’m 25 and he’s 28.

 

He seemed to prioritize wanting to meet me and insisted on driving to my area, 50 minutes away, which I also thought was nice. I wasn’t planning on meeting anyone else, and was going to take a break from dating, but he kept talking to me so I figured I’d give it a shot. I was fresh off of two heartbreaking situations and I was a bit protective and skeptical. I had dated two different guys over the span of the summer at different times. Both seemed great. Both I was attracted to. Both acted like they wanted to go towards a relationship with me. Both ended up passively ghosting me when it got to the point where you would start getting more serious, around month two. It was a hit to me over and over again, so when this guy wanted to meet, I sort of thought he would be like the others.

 

He was so nice before, during, and after our date. I didn’t know what to think about him on our date. I didn’t know if I liked him or if I didn’t. He wasn’t my type. But wasn’t a bad type. He wanted to know all about me. He seemed to like that I had a good job and life, and I like someone that can appreciate me for the successful young life I have worked hard building for myself independently. He gave me lots of compliments and it was a different vibe than what I was used to.

 

After our first date I was just unsure. It wasn’t bad, but wasn’t amazing either. Dates I had with previous guys were passionate and tense, but in that good, you want to lean over and kiss them type of way. My mother reminded me that these same guys leave me as fast as the passion comes on, so maybe going slow, and just getting to know someone is the way to go. She had a point, so he and I texted every day and kept going on dates. He was a bit clingy at first. Talking to me on the phone all the time, texting, sending selfies. He told his family about me after our first date. That intimidated me for sure. He is so close to them. And they sound close like my family. It’s scary. He also told me he had a 6 year relationship and this girl was best friends with his sisters and his family thought they would be married. Its hard to step into someone’s shoes into a family after that. My friends and family reassured me that he wasn’t inviting me over to meet his mother or any of them yet, and I can go at my own pace. That helped a bit. I also told him I didn’t want to rush and told him of my past history so he knew what I had been through. I was in a terrible manipulative situation with someone for three years and it totally ruined my life.

 

Now we go out for nice dinners. He never lets me pay. We go on hikes, and we cuddle up to movies on Saturday nights, and make dinner together beforehand. He seems to really like me and he talks to me every day still. I just feel like we are stagnant sort of. He works Tuesday through Saturday, and I work Monday to Friday. We spend Sunday’s together every week, but god forbid he or I have something going on, then we don’t see each other at all. We do spend most Saturday nights together hanging out too. He mentioned wanting to see each other more and I agreed, but so far he hasn't wanted to see me any more than usual. Like this week, I asked him to come over Monday after my work day, since he had the day off. He said he didn’t feel like driving to my area, but claimed it wasn't because he didn't want to see me. He was afraid we’d be up late and he had to work early Tuesday. I think he just didn’t feel like driving which was fine, just thought it was weird since he didn’t work all day. Tuesday nights I teach special classes at night for religious stuff. Wednesdays and Thursdays he works late.

 

We talked all week like nothing was wrong and he put in effort to call me. He still lives at home with his parents to save money, but hopes to move out next year. I have no issue with that as I know how expensive having your own place is. The only reason I have my own place is because I moved far away from my family for my job. He’s really family oriented, as am I, and so I really like that. He spends a lot of time with his family and he encourages me to spend time with mine. So then my girlfriends invited me to this girls night thing Saturday night, so I can’t see him that night this week. So I told him maybe we could do Friday night and Sunday, but now it’s Friday and he is working late and super tired, so he doesn’t feel like coming here. I just feel like seeing someone for a few hours once a week really isn’t enough to be in a relationship with them. I feel like we’re not going forward, we’re barely anything. We tell each other we miss each other through text message, and we send lots of kissy faces and talk on the phone, but I feel like I am saying I miss you to the three hour visit a week, which isn’t really a lot at all. What do I miss? Maybe we just miss the thought of each other or just company.

 

I’m not entirely sure what to do or think at this point. I kind of am starting to feel sort of a little bitter with him for not seeing me more. He talks like he wants to, and sometimes I think he says stuff and forgets. But where are we even going? I feel like we act like a couple, but we really aren’t. It’s like a long distance relationship. I’m not sure if this is the right thing for either of us to continue.

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Cookiesandough

I feel like you should date someone closer if you are unhappy. You can see each other more often and do spontaneous things together. I dated someone LD once and it was just annoying. Every time we met had to be like a big deal because it was hard for us to meet. It was pressure, lots of tech communication, and hard to flow natural like a normal rship

Edited by Cookiesandough
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I think he just didn’t feel like driving which was fine, just thought it was weird since he didn’t work all day.

 

It's the same reason why you don't want to drive to his area on Sunday evening when you have to be up for work on Monday. Because you have to get your life in order for the workweek. He didn't feel like driving 100 miles for 5 hours. I don't blame him.

 

I kind of am starting to feel sort of a little bitter with him for not seeing me more.

 

And you can't drive to his area why?

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I feel like you should date someone closer if you are unhappy. You can see each other more often and do spontaneous things together. I dated someone LD once and it was just annoying. Every time we met had to be like a big deal because it was hard for us to meet. It was pressure, lots of tech communication, and hard to flow natural like a normal rship

 

But sometimes you can never find someone closer. :( I myself will travel the fastest reaches to find that love one.. Distance (only in USA) I am not crazy to travel overseas for the love one.. There should be someone for us all here in the great USA right? You could thing so right? Closer the better right not always. Sometimes a little distance goes a long way! :)

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He only lives 45 minutes away. It isn't a long trip. He always comes my way because I have my own place and we can have time alone. He lives with his parents. We talk digitally every day and sometimes on the phone. When he comes here I cook him dinner and drive anywhere we wanna go locally.

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Cookiesandough

It's still p far. It's not like you can say "bae, let's catch a drink" after work one night. I'm sure it works for some people but just seems kinda hard to get anywhere seeing once a week or so for months. I mean I purposefully don't see any one guy often because I don't want to get close right now. I feel like if there's distance and you aren't incredibly stoked about each other it's not that promising. Just my opinion.

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I got him a nice birthday gift for his birthday a few weeks ago. He seems to get tired and then want to go home. I am understanding, but its weird. Like today we went out to a farm to a fair. It was super fun. He paid for us to do stuff there. I don't know if he is low on money or if he is being lazy and doesn't want to take me out anymore. I have been cooking for us at my house a lot lately and no more dinners out. When we left the farm, I asked if he wanted to go out or make food in at my house. He said he'd rather not spend money, so I said ok. We made dinner at my house. We cuddled and talked for a while. He said he had to leave early because he had some online fantasy football thing. It was ok. I was just sad he had to leave soon. We are texting now and he is saying how he was so tired and he had to leave before he got too exhausted. He left at 7pm. It wasn't that late.

 

Tomorrow he isn't working and he mentioned "maybe" coming back to hangout with me. I don't understand why he can't say yes or no about tomorrow. He isn't doing anything all day. I'm working all day and will most likely be tired, but I still want to see him. Its like he likes to gauge his day and then tell me if he wants to see me or if he is too tired. I don't get it.

 

When we first started seeing each other I felt like he was all over me and into me, and now I keep feeling like he is kind of half in. But not in the way like I have had other guys do it, when they don't want something serious. I guess I feel like we are just kind of "blah" if that makes sense. Nothing is super passionate or has that intense chemistry. We like each other and we are lovey dovey, but its all words. We say "I miss you" and send lots of xoxo's and kiss faces, and we kiss when we are together. He was holding my hand today and he grabbed my butt in the farmhouse when no one was looking. It was cute, but I am just feeling at times like he is maybe withdrawn or tired, and he sort of checks out. I don't think its because he doesn't like me, its just maybe something about himself. He is actually tired or he is distracted by thinking of other things.

 

Maybe its an issue with me and not him. I prepare for him to come here. I clean my house, try to get everything perfect. I spend lots of time prepping myself to look good, and then I only get 5 or 6 hours and then its over. Maybe I am just feeling like I am putting all this effort in beforehand and then its over so quickly for all that I did. Its just how I am. I like to put in a lot of effort. Not that he doesn't. Its just different.

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I feel like I have dated other guys and there's this good tension. Like you talk in between seeing each other and its flirtatious and you can't wait to see the person. He and I don't flirt, we just say we miss each other and send kiss faces. Its romantic, but not flirtatious.. We aren't sexual. We've done some touching and kissing, but I remind him I don't want to rush and he seems to respect that. I just feel like there's no passion making me want to see him. I do look forward to see him, I mean I am on here complaining about it, but like I said that good chemistry and tension flowing is just not there. I am starting to like him, but I question it all the time, because the tension is not there. My mother reminds me that with past guys, its all chemistry and sexual tension right away and then they fade away. That maybe this is a real dating experience for me and its not rushed nor sex based and I am just not used to it.

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ExpatInItaly
He only lives 45 minutes away. It isn't a long trip. He always comes my way because I have my own place and we can have time alone. He lives with his parents. We talk digitally every day and sometimes on the phone. When he comes here I cook him dinner and drive anywhere we wanna go locally.

 

Can you not compromise and maybe drive to his area and go out for dinner? Or an activity that won't involve hanging out at his parents' house?

 

He is tiring of the commute, and you're not doing much to meet him in the middle it seems.

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Can you not compromise and maybe drive to his area and go out for dinner? Or an activity that won't involve hanging out at his parents' house?

 

He is tiring of the commute, and you're not doing much to meet him in the middle it seems.

 

Yeah, agree.

At the moment he is seeing you not doing any of the travelling and not sharing the cost of dates either. That won't bode well in his mind, understandably so.

 

Aside from that though, it sounds like there is no flirting/passion/sexual tension on either side really. Sounds like you're not very attracted to each other.

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Aside from that though, it sounds like there is no flirting/passion/sexual tension on either side really. Sounds like you're not very attracted to each other.

 

 

I think she wants to take things slow and the guy is getting frustrated. He likes her and was very excited in the beginning, but he's starting to wonder how long this is going to go on for?

 

If there is no sex in the relationship then the passion is going to wane and wane. Sex helps build emotional attachment. If it's not there, it's no wonder that he's kind of drifting away.

 

How many more dinners and gas and time does he have to put in (i.e. effort and investment in the relationship) before you feel comfortable moving on to the next level with him?

 

Clearly, he likes you a lot, but there's a limit to what any person can take.

 

And Perhaps, he's hoping that by cooking with you at home, you will both get physically closer.

 

Cuddling is nice, but he's probably wondering if he's going to have to wait until his hair turns white before you guys have sex.

 

It's obvious he is more serious about the relationship than the other two guys. And now that you finally met a serious guy, you're iffy about him while you complained that the previous two bailed out on you the minute things got serious.

 

These contradictions make it seem like you're not sure about what you're looking for. Either that or you're going from one extreme to the other.

 

Do you think that by holding off longer, he's going to feel more invested in the relationship? At this point, I would say the answer is most likely going to be a resounding, "No."

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You want to see him, but you're not the one driving 50 minutes one way. Cut this guy some slack. An hour-long drive is frightening when you're tired, and I don't care if it's only 7 p.m. Can you do sleepovers? When you're schedules conflict like this, it is not easy, this I know. You have to determine if you can maintain this or if you wish to seek someone local that you can see more often and whose schedule aligns with yours better. Otherwise, you work with what you've got and what you can get until hopefully changes can be made to improve the distance, if not the timing.

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Your intuition is probably right.

It doesn't sound too exciting to me either and I would probably end it myself.

He says he is up for progressing the relationship by spending more time together, but his actions are keeping you at a distance.

 

Maybe the rship has run it's course and you're finding out you're not really right for each other.

He has just gotten out of a long term relationship, and you're coming off of two situations in which you felt a lot of passion, so maybe you're both comparing to those and feeling that this falls short.

From the way he was talking in your other threads, I think he had this idea of who he wanted you to be and thought he could slot you right into where he and his ex left off.

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He only lives 45 minutes away. It isn't a long trip.

 

Yet it's a trip you won't make up there.

 

Doesn't matter what amenities you have at your place; having to be the one who is always fighting after work traffic just to spend 3-5 hours during the week when he has to work the next day, not to mention the constant wear and tear on his car, is a lot to ask.

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Yet it's a trip you won't make up there.

 

Doesn't matter what amenities you have at your place; having to be the one who is always fighting after work traffic just to spend 3-5 hours during the week when he has to work the next day, not to mention the constant wear and tear on his car, is a lot to ask.

 

I don't get the impression that he responds with, "hey, how about you come out my way?"

 

He doesn't sound too motivated to spend time together.

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I don't get the impression that he responds with, "hey, how about you come out my way?"

 

He doesn't sound too motivated to spend time together.

 

Yeah, I guess not by now..

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I really didnt mean to make it come across like I was not willing to give or do anything. I am. He always insists on coming to me. He always insists on all of it. He says as long as he spends time with me he doesnt care what we do. Last night I mentioned maybe us meeting in the middle and doing something. He said maybe, we'll see. Today I didnt hear from him, I texted him and he responded. But barely any talking has occured. I dont know what is going on. He doesnt work all day. He slept in. I would have let him sleep over last night. I would have liked that, but I don't want to give him the impression that I just hop into bed with guys. I am not his girlfriend.

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I guess I'm just kind of sad. I am getting this gut feeling that something is wrong. He has been having some busy time at work last week and he warned me this week too. He's stressed and tired. I am starting to like him and I am afraid now that maybe he isn't as into me.

 

I did talk to him about my past and how I felt with previous guys. I told him I just expect people to up and leave. He told me he wasn't going anywhere any time soon.

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I would have let him sleep over last night. I would have liked that, but I don't want to give him the impression that I just hop into bed with guys. I am not his girlfriend.

 

You said you met him little over a month ago? I mean, if you did sleep with him it's hardly "just hopping into bed" with him. And the "I am not his girlfriend" - maybe you don't have a title, but you're acting like a couple and he's getting frustrated.

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You said you met him little over a month ago? I mean, if you did sleep with him it's hardly "just hopping into bed" with him. And the "I am not his girlfriend" - maybe you don't have a title, but you're acting like a couple and he's getting frustrated.

 

Nothing wrong with waiting till you're ready.

If a guy really likes you for you, he will wait.

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Thats what I'm saying. I am not quite ready to have sex with him yet. I like to feel secure, and like I can trust the person. I feel like I don't know him well enough to trust him fully. I do trust him in some aspects, but not entirely. Especially after what I went through in my past, which I told him about, I am not wanting to rush and then regret it. I like to be in a secure relationship with someone, have talked about past sexual experience, at least for safety reasons. I think its important to talk about birth control, etc.... And we have not done that yet, nor do I feel like we are close to having that talk. I don't want to make him frustrated or feel unimportant. I am starting to care about him and his well being as a person. I enjoy our time together. I like having him there. I just feel sort of weird about him recently. I feel like we switched roles. He loved me at first and now he seems maybe unsure. And now I'm starting to like him.

 

Like yesterday he mentioned possibly coming here. I have barely spoken to him all day. We are texting now, but its very clear he didn't want to come, as in his actions say it. I'm alright with him not being here. I like a night to myself. I guess I just feel like now I won't see him until next Sunday and its a long time to wait and only text or call. I want some more quality time with him, whether its a quick dinner or something.

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I find you are saying one thing to this man but expecting something else.

 

You told him you wanted to take thing slow then you complain the relationship is not evolving. You'll have to decide which one you want. This man is doing what you asked for. Couples that want to take things slow don't see each other 3 times a week, they keep it casual once a week and don't fuss if they have to skip a week. Couples taking things slow also don't expect feelings to grow over 1 month like you seem to expect.

 

So, I think you need to be honest with yourself here in terms of what is taking things slow.

 

Why aren't you driving there? So what he lives with his parents, you can still visit him, go out in his area or just stay home and watch a movie alone with him or with his family. Interacting with family is a way to getting to know someone. He doesn't need to introduce you as his gf, just a lady he started seeing.

 

Depending what time he has to get up in the morning and what he does for work ex: physical work, yes it could feel overwhelming to drive 45 mins (twice) on the same night.

 

So a solution: Invite him to sleep on your couch and when you go to bed close and lock your bedroom door so there is no surprise visit in the middle of the night.

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So a solution: Invite him to sleep on your couch and when you go to bed close and lock your bedroom door so there is no surprise visit in the middle of the night.

 

 

To be perfectly honest, if someone did that to me while expecting me to be in a relationship with them, I would feel offended. It sends two messages. First it tells the guy that she doesn't trust him. That would be a huge turn off. Second, when she locks the door, he will start to wonder if she has issues.

 

I think it's best to avoid such an awkward situation entirely than to go through with it -- and have to walk on egg shells -- so as both parties are not misunderstanding each other or sending each other the wrong signals.

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Yes, no, I don't think asking him to sleep on my couch and locking my door is the answer.

 

We hung out again today. Went out for dinner and then back to mine for some movies, and some light cuddling. Everything seemed fine.

 

I told him I didn't want to rush a while back and I think he has done such a great job of respecting this. But then he tells me the other night how his sister was asking about me. I asked him what he said to her. He told me she was asking when she was going to meet me.

 

He hasn't asked me to be his girlfriend or to meet anyone in his life. I didn't really know how to respond to him telling me that so I avoided it.

 

I feel like things are good and comfortable. But stagnant again. I don't want him to get fed up one day because we haven't had sex, or gotten closer. I'm afraid. I like him and I'm afraid.

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