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Miscommunication or am I to blame?


iekika

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I have been dating a guy for a short while. He seemed nice. We always used protection obviously if we slept together, until a conversation popped up yesterday about unprotected sex.

 

He made a comment along the lines of 'for the record, I would go bareback with you anytime'. I have always told him to be honest and transparent with me so I took this as truth from his part.

 

Anyway, we dated today then it ended up back at mine. I had the condom beside me obviously but I decided to play around and test the water a bit before anything bigger happened. I was on top the entire time, I never once made it obvious that I was putting on a condom, and in Fact I was teasing but he said nothing back or didn't say no so I took this as a go ahead and went without.

 

Now how he didn't feel a difference, or knew that I didn't, I don't believe. But afterwards he completely turned, said he was furious I never used it and wants to reconsider dating me now.

 

I am sooooo confused. Why did he say these things the day previously then? Why didn't he stop at any point to say?

 

I feel like a terrible person now and I need other peoples perspectives on this as I am really beating myself up about it. Is it just miscommunication or am I to blame? How do I even attempt to sort this out?

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He said he would be ok with unprotected sex. YOU never answered if this was something you were interested in and there you go having unprotected sex (pretending) without warning him or telling him you agree this is what you wish as well.

 

When someone says he is ready to have unprotected sex you answer Yes or No. THEN if you are indeed interested as well you both take an appointment to get the usual std test before getting rid of the protection.

 

Having unprotected sex with someone wihtout their agreement is considered a rape.

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Stupid comments are one thing, actions are another. If you're comfortable enough with someone to have sex with them, you should be able to communicate directly in that moment and ask if he wants to use a condom. It's disrespectful and unethical behavior to have unprotected sex without mutual consent, and I don't blame him for his response. What would you think of a guy who had unprotected sex without asking in that moment and without your express consent?

 

Apologize, figure out what motivated you to act this way, and stop 'testing the waters' in such a reckless fashion.

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He's mad because you had sex with him without protection?

 

He made a comment along the lines of 'for the record, I would go bareback with you anytime'. I have always told him to be honest and transparent with me so I took this as truth from his part.

 

I'd have gone for further confirmation before things got hot and heavy in the bed.

 

I decided to play around and test the water a bit before anything bigger happened.

 

Suffice it to say, unprotected sex isn't one of those things to play around with. People can have adverse health issues behind that.

 

But that doesn't erase the fact that he didn't bring it up before he was inside of you. I mean, he said what he said. At the very least ask you if you were going to use that condom that was next to you. Furthermore, I would think it's pretty unmistakable to feel a condom being put on a penis considering how tight they are, unless you're talking about a female condom. I have no experience with those, so...

 

I suppose you could have said "is this one of those times you wanted to go bareback?" before he was inside of you, but then again, he also could have gotten that clear with you.

 

You're not a terrible person for this. It was complete miscommunication on both your parts. A conversation about condoms shouldn't be hard with someone you've already been having sex with. It was something that could have been brought up by either of you and it wasn't.

 

I'd be more concerned with his reaction--to me, that says he's not prone to taking responsibility for his actions and is far too quick to blame when he was 50% of the problem--more so, because he planted the seed by saying he'd go bareback with you anytime---"for the record". Some record...

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He started a conversation. But opening a conversation does not equate to permission. First you need to finish the conversation by discussing each other's concerns and boundaries.

 

You need active consent for this type of stuff.

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I have told him to be 100% honest with me. I must have picked up the wrong idea when I read 'For the record, I would do you bareback.. Anytime' and 'I don't feel a thing with a condom on'. I had thought after being told these two things that:

1. He had no problem going bareback at all with me.

2. That he would feel a difference then between condom and no condom.

 

I was on top of him - and it - the entire time, so he would have known (well at least to me) that I never put it on. He was also making comments about how wet it was etc, so like I said, I thought that what I was doing was okay. He suddenly flipped it around once the act was over.

 

So I assume because it was WhatsApp message a lot of people think its invalid. I also had a conversation with him about safe words etc by text. So I assume that by this logic, the word isn't valid unless it is discussed via face to face conversation?

 

I hate people not being honest or truthful which is everything I stand for to avoid situations like this.

 

Oh I am 24 and he is 43 by the way. I am not dealing with a boy.

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You weren't honest with him right at the time you were pretending to put on a condom and then didn't.

 

You deliberately chose not to be honest about that.

Honesty goes both ways.

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If he says one thing and does another (even jokingly) it is a clear red flag.

 

Get tested as suggested before, and I would tread carefully any further into that relationship.

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You weren't honest with him right at the time you were pretending to put on a condom and then didn't.

 

You deliberately chose not to be honest about that.

Honesty goes both ways.

 

I never pretended to put it on. It was lying beside us after he saw me set it down there. Its not like I opened it and seemed like I was putting it on. I was lying in top of it the entire time so he knew I couldn't have put it on?

 

As I have said before, I would also think that he would have felt a difference before it even went in, and told me to stop but he didn't.

 

I would never pretend to put one on. I either do or I don't. And I thought I had made it obvious that I didn't.

 

The reaction I am getting doesn't exactly fill me with much more hope about what he could be lying or not being honest about.

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I have told him to be 100% honest with me. I must have picked up the wrong idea when I read 'For the record, I would do you bareback.. Anytime' and 'I don't feel a thing with a condom on'. I had thought after being told these two things that:

1. He had no problem going bareback at all with me.

2. That he would feel a difference then between condom and no condom.

 

I was on top of him - and it - the entire time, so he would have known (well at least to me) that I never put it on. He was also making comments about how wet it was etc, so like I said, I thought that what I was doing was okay. He suddenly flipped it around once the act was over.

 

So I assume because it was WhatsApp message a lot of people think its invalid. I also had a conversation with him about safe words etc by text. So I assume that by this logic, the word isn't valid unless it is discussed via face to face conversation?

 

I hate people not being honest or truthful which is everything I stand for to avoid situations like this.

 

Oh I am 24 and he is 43 by the way. I am not dealing with a boy.

 

 

You both played silly games and it backfired.

 

How long exactly have you been seeing him and what is your status? Are you exclusive?

 

Before I sleep with someone I'm dating I always ask when was the last time they got tested. Every new partner I have I immediately get tested just to be sure. Then I normally discuss the method of protection / birth control we would use going forward.

 

So when he made the comment about going bareback, you should have responded and shared your opinion about it. Even if its through Whatsapp, it's still form of communication so it is valid. But the issue is you didn't say anything.

 

Is there any possibility that he may be "testing" you what type of partner you are? If you are careful or reckless that you would just agree on it. Because if you haven't even discussed exclusivity yet and you haven't exchanged info when was the last time you each got tested, what you did obviously didn't sit right with him. You can't fully blame him for being upset.

 

Either way, it's bad communication. This is an important subject that should've been discussed directly and clearly. Whatever that comment means, it wasn't a good move on him either.

 

Fyi, from my experience some guys really can't tell the difference, depending on the mood, the vibe, and the situation. You were on top of him, ok. But was he staring at you the whole time? Did he not close his eyes once or look away? He may have assumed you put it on then. But really it's irrelevant. You should ALWAYS communicate what you're doing.

 

Please keep this in mind. Maturity has nothing to do with age. My last ex was 47 and trust me, he is a little boy. I'm not fully judging your guy, but at least with the little info you have written here, he doesn't sound too mature or at least know what he's doing.

 

If he doesn't want to date you anymore then move on. It only means he doesn't like you all that much. But whether he stays or not, take this as a valuable lesson for you.

Edited by LovelyRose
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I don't really understand how he didn't notice there wasn't a condom being used, unless he was like blindfolded and drunk... He's a lot older than you so he should know better. Maybe afterwards he got worried about possibly getting you pregnant

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I don't really understand how he didn't notice there wasn't a condom being used, unless he was like blindfolded and drunk... He's a lot older than you so he should know better. Maybe afterwards he got worried about possibly getting you pregnant

 

We were stone cold sober. He knows I am on the coil.

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Having unprotected sex with someone wihtout their agreement is considered a rape.

 

Jeez some of you guys go heavy on the OP's sometimes.

 

A lady is opening up on a forum for advice and support, on a sensitive intimate topic. Mostly all she's gotten is judgmental finger pointing and are you crazy? As for the above, well, honestly.

 

This seems to be another area I have to say cultures are fairly different in the US versus the UK. Trusting people you are intimate with isn’t as uncommon as it seems there. Is the STI rate much higher? I don’t think so. I’ve had unprotected sex with 90% of my sexual partners and never had one STI or serious pregnancy scare.

 

OP, it sounds like you’ve been dating this guy a little while at least, but I think he’s overreacted / not handled this as smoothly as he could have. Yes okay he’s fair to call out on it, but if he’s said he would happily go bareback, to then kick off when you do – he’s not been overly clear. For him to not cool down and reassure you, I guess is naturally making you think is he's being intimate with other people. An unfortunate situation you’ll both learn from.

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Maybe he forgot who he told this to?

 

Well that's what I am starting to think, and he us already gone and out of my life. Honesty and trust is important to me and obviously it is not there with him.

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I honestly don't understand why you're getting so much flack.

To me, he seemed all for unprotected sex.

He never made a move to put the condom on and pretty sure he would have noticed that you didn't put one on him.

 

Tell him you're reconsidering dating him now since he isn't taking any responsibility for his actions.

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Cookiesandough

It's his responsibility just as much as yours to wrap it up. That being said... what are you thinking?! Have you any clue what this guy has been up to. Sadface

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I honestly don't understand why you're getting so much flack.

To me, he seemed all for unprotected sex.

He never made a move to put the condom on and pretty sure he would have noticed that you didn't put one on him.

 

Tell him you're reconsidering dating him now since he isn't taking any responsibility for his actions.

 

His response was to ask me to delete his details and never contact him again.

 

I have obviously kept his number but wont be contacting him.

 

Well he made it seem he was up for it and he only complained later that night, not even to my face!

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His response was to ask me to delete his details and never contact him again.

 

I have obviously kept his number but wont be contacting him.

 

Well he made it seem he was up for it and he only complained later that night, not even to my face!

 

If nothing else, it's a new twist on the sex then dump scenario.

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J

I’ve had unprotected sex with 90% of my sexual partners and never had one STI or serious pregnancy scare.

 

This is 2017 you don't trust ANYONE with your sexual health and I don't care how long you've been dating. Every year we have new STI coming from abroad that are not curable.

 

Being with someone * a while * does not clean him from the other women he slept with unprotected. Statistics shows if you have unprotected sex ONCE it's the same as sleeping with 36 different people. You have to consider all of your partners, her partners and her partners' partners.

 

And what is this OP? You date some guy * a while * and he speaks about unprotected sex and you think to yourself wooohoo!! without a thought for your health??

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This is 2017 you don't trust ANYONE with your sexual health and I don't care how long you've been dating. Every year we have new STI coming from abroad that are not curable.

 

Being with someone * a while * does not clean him from the other women he slept with unprotected. Statistics shows if you have unprotected sex ONCE it's the same as sleeping with 36 different people. You have to consider all of your partners, her partners and her partners' partners.

 

And what is this OP? You date some guy * a while * and he speaks about unprotected sex and you think to yourself wooohoo!! without a thought for your health??

 

I trust people far too easily.

And I do take my health seriously. I am tested every 6 months and also every time I have a new partner. I have never had an STI thus far and I have had 23 sexual partners.

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I trust people far too easily.

And I do take my health seriously. I am tested every 6 months and also every time I have a new partner. I have never had an STI thus far and I have had 23 sexual partners.

 

You were ready to have unprotected sex with this guy who dumped you after a few dates, that's not being serious about your health. Having unprotected sex then getting tested every 6 months does not protect YOU.

 

It just take 1 time to get an std. You may have had 23 partners but I had only had 3 by the time I learn I carried hsv-2 and that included a husband of 15 years. It takes only 1 TIME to get infected.

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