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My bf (31) invited me(30) on a trip, then took it back, i think?


Tinawisdom

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Ok so I've created this account soley to post this thread after searching the internet to no avail - so im desperate for some advice! My boyfriend (31) of almost *2 years* goes on a trip every summer for 10 days with his "family." Its his best friend's family vacation. My boyfriend has literally 0 family and considers his best friend/best friends family the closest thing to a family. Hes gone the last 2 years and its totally been no problem for me. Well his best friend was bringing a girl he has been seeing - so my boyfriend invited me. I told him i would drive down (8 hours) by myself and come for a few days so this way he would still have "brotherly/bro bonding" & family time. Maybe 4 or 5 days so half the length of the trip. Obviously I'd be paying my part to drive myself there and for whatever i need while there. (He doesn't pay for things for me, some new generation bs I guess - that's a whole seperate issue). I have 2 children, who i had to make arrangements for. My children's father took his vacation time from work - which was difficult - to keep them while i went. My financial situation is rough so I've had to save up for this. And i have a cat that i arranged to be taken care of as well. ALL OF THIS HE WAS AWARE OF.

 

Well now his best friends girl isn't coming - she can't. So when he mentioned this to me i told him how i felt like his friend wouldn't be happy with me coming and he said "no he won't care..." but he definitley didn't reassure me or attempt to make me feel wanted there. That was a week ago. The trip is 1 week from today and he has not mentioned it once like "when are you coming? Or what day will you come and leave.? Or are the kids taken care of for the trip. Etc" NOTHING.... so his lack of asking me is making me feel like hes hoping I'm not coming. I get he may be uncomfortable now, but he is a grown man who should either have a conversation With his friend about it and figure it out ... and then have a conversation with me - either way. He keeps saying things about the trip too, like what time they are leaving - what hes packing, what hes looking forward to etc. Just doesn't mention or ask anything about my intention.

 

Im not going to go unless i truly feel wanted by him/ his friend/ family and comfortable. But how long should i wait for him to say something ? And is it not messed up to invite me and put me through all this juggling of my life to go - and not bring it up? I feel very hurt and confused about the whole thing. My friends say he should split the trip and do something half the time with me but that will never EVER happen, so they said for me to keep the vacation time and do my own thing and im highly considering that, but what do i do about my relationship? We've had alot of issues lately where I've almost ended the relationship and i was really looking forward to this and hoping it would be good for us. He also just went on vacation last month with a group of friends, via plane (far) including some of his girl friends and that was a disaster. Didn't even think to invite me, knew i didn't want him to go and he did some messed up things while there (not cheating) but like not calling me, being wasted while i was trying to get in touch with him - my daughter was In the hospital etc. Ignoring my calls, his friends took his phone and shut it off etc. It was REALLY bad and i was almost done but he said he would never go on a trip without me again (i didn't ask him not to - that was his suggestion) and here we are!!! - Please give me some feedback! Thank you!!!

 

TL;DR - Should I go on the trip if he does eventually ask? What should i do about my relationship?

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She can't get off of work i believe, she's a bit flakey and they aren't in a committed relationship. But i think hes bitter about her not coming so i feel extra weird going, like he is going to resent me for intruding now.

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You have gone out of your way to arrange it so that you could go. Simply say you will be at the site on Xday, by Xtime and are looking forward to the trip and ask him what he thinks is the best route. See what he says. He hasn't said one thing as far as I can tell that directly tells you that he doesn't want you to go anymore. He's simply been stating what his plans are for preparation. You two are going separately so he's just talking about his own prep probably. If he is thinking that you aren't going because the other girl dropped out and not talking to you about it, that's not cool to think you should be a mind-reader. If that's the case, then he's not a good communicator.

 

And, as far as him paying for things for you -- well, times have changed. Women work and make money now. In the old days, men usually paid for the woman as a) an indicator of his ability to support a woman in the courtship phase and b) because women didn't usually work or have well paying jobs for the most part. That being said, I would expect him to pay for some things though. If he doesn't, I kinda wonder what the financial arrangements would be in a marriage with him. That's something to explore at some point if you are considering marriage.

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Scarlett.O'hara

When I first started reading this I thought you might be overreacting a little bit because I couldn't see any reason why you felt your plans had to change.

 

However, after getting to the end part where you describe the other issues in your relationship (especially what happened during his last trip away) I can understand why you might be feeling this way.

 

It sounds like there is a feeling of uncertainty in your relationship, that go beyond the issue of this trip. Your actions are showing your commitment and willingness to make the effort. However, his actions seem to suggest that he is keeping you at a distance and doesn't have the same level of commitment as you do, which seems a bit unusual for a two year long relationship.

 

My advice would be to have an honest conversation with him, not just about the trip, but how you really feel about the state of your relationship. Find out if you are on the same page and actually want the same things before going on this trip.

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After dating for two years then most people are a couple and tend to want to do things together.

He is not treating you in that way.

He is off vacationing and partying with "girl friends" and even when he does invite you, you are making your own way there... and he is not even considering you, it is all about him. Any bf worth his salt would have arranged for you to drive/fly down together and made it part of the holiday or at least taken a keen interest in your plans.

 

He is not serious about you and you need to realise that this is going nowhere. Are you happy with that?

If not, then cancel your plans as I guess it will all be about him and his best friend having a fun time with you as the unwanted spare wheel, showing up and "spoiling" it.

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I'm sorry that you are in this position. I've experienced this with an ex and I can tell you that the guy isn't serious about you. Has he ever planned a vacation with just the two of you? The times that he has planned a vacation -- it's without you. And even when he invites you, he invests zero effort -- mentally or financially.

 

That last part of your post is very telling.

 

When a man is invested in you, he does whatever it takes to share and include you in his life. It's very apparent that he doesn't care and you already know this.

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EDIT: Thank you everyone for your advice so far - i genuinely appreciate all of it. I should add - i just took a break from him, took a week - told him i wasn't happy in the relationship and his lack of effort and priority isn't ok. He kept trying and trying and trying - to fix things. But its not like any gesture was made (1 friggin flower or a note on my door - something - would've gone a long way) . I have nothing but his word. He said "how can i show you if you don't give me the chance?" - so i agreed, but surely with open eyes and an idea this may not get better or change.

 

He is very very selfish, and most of the time i will even use the word narcissist. He admits he is selfish in many areas, and stubborn, but i think its "this is how i am take it or leave it" kinda thing, more than "im going to work on it."

 

But why would he insist on another go of this, after we spent days upon days talking about these issues - just to do this? I literally cried my eyes out to him for days, so i would've thought he would go out of his way at least for the trip he asked me to go on if nothing else?

 

And he does take me out once in a while for dinner and pays. But i pay for alot as well for the both of us - and i am in no way able to, but still do it.

 

He definitley isn't how he used to be, and im not sure why. If anything circumstances surrounding our lives have only improved?

And -

No we have never gone on a trip or get a way anywhere together. I explained that couples should want to do things together and he *agreed* but hes still going lol and then invited me so i thought ok? Maybe that's ok?

 

I am not into monetary things - but for example that trip he took last month or when he does things that are messed up - him buying me a sunflower - $3 @ wegmans (my favorite flower) or showing some small effort to say im sorry or i love you would mean sooooo much. Hes never done anything like that.

 

I really love him, but i think im in love with who he used to be. He was always selfish and did some not so cool things - but he always made me feel loved, he showed effort and understanding and willingness. I believed we had a future together, i thought i was special but i don't feel that way ANYMORE. But we surely have not progressed in our relationship, and i feel like he isn't putting any effort into building a life WITHme. As a partner. I live on my own with both my kids and struggle (my ex husband helps me with everything - isn't that crazy?) He has 2 roommates and makes triple what i make, and im over here trying to save and build a life together and he's worried about himself.

 

All of your advice has been so helpful - im supposed to spend the night at his place saturday so i think im going to go, see if he mentions anything while we are together for the 14+ hours, and if not - then toward the end bring it up and tell him im not going, why, and thar im taking space.

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I really love him, but i think im in love with who he used to be.

I think that is very common and why many people stay in terrible relationships, they loved the person they met at the start and end up hoping upon hope that that person they fell in love with will make an appearance again.

BUT as someone once said on here "I waited 7 years for that lovely man I fell in love with to show up again, but he never did."

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Cookiesandough

Hard to believe you've been dating for like 2 years and your communication is so iffy you can't ask. I mean if this was a guy you were dating 2 mo it'd be a little more understandable

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EDIT: Thank you everyone for your advice so far - i genuinely appreciate all of it. I should add - i just took a break from him, took a week - told him i wasn't happy in the relationship and his lack of effort and priority isn't ok. He kept trying and trying and trying - to fix things. But its not like any gesture was made (1 friggin flower or a note on my door - something - would've gone a long way) . I have nothing but his word. He said "how can i show you if you don't give me the chance?" - so i agreed, but surely with open eyes and an idea this may not get better or change.

 

He is very very selfish, and most of the time i will even use the word narcissist. He admits he is selfish in many areas, and stubborn, but i think its "this is how i am take it or leave it" kinda thing, more than "im going to work on it."

 

But why would he insist on another go of this, after we spent days upon days talking about these issues - just to do this? I literally cried my eyes out to him for days, so i would've thought he would go out of his way at least for the trip he asked me to go on if nothing else?

 

And he does take me out once in a while for dinner and pays. But i pay for alot as well for the both of us - and i am in no way able to, but still do it.

 

He definitley isn't how he used to be, and im not sure why. If anything circumstances surrounding our lives have only improved?

And -

No we have never gone on a trip or get a way anywhere together. I explained that couples should want to do things together and he *agreed* but hes still going lol and then invited me so i thought ok? Maybe that's ok?

 

I am not into monetary things - but for example that trip he took last month or when he does things that are messed up - him buying me a sunflower - $3 @ wegmans (my favorite flower) or showing some small effort to say im sorry or i love you would mean sooooo much. Hes never done anything like that.

 

I really love him, but i think im in love with who he used to be. He was always selfish and did some not so cool things - but he always made me feel loved, he showed effort and understanding and willingness. I believed we had a future together, i thought i was special but i don't feel that way ANYMORE. But we surely have not progressed in our relationship, and i feel like he isn't putting any effort into building a life WITHme. As a partner. I live on my own with both my kids and struggle (my ex husband helps me with everything - isn't that crazy?) He has 2 roommates and makes triple what i make, and im over here trying to save and build a life together and he's worried about himself.

 

All of your advice has been so helpful - im supposed to spend the night at his place saturday so i think im going to go, see if he mentions anything while we are together for the 14+ hours, and if not - then toward the end bring it up and tell him im not going, why, and thar im taking space.

 

You need to stop taking space and taking breaks.

 

This is a dead end. The man isn't going to change and you need to stop holding on because of fear.

 

You use space and breaks in hopes of jolting him into changing. You use space and breaks in hopes he'll somehow get an epiphany and somehow transform into the image of the guy you've built in your head. Not happening.

 

Embrace who he truly is and that will never be the man you need him to be. He can tell you till he bleeds that he will try but he does not have it in him. He's wired a certain way and that is the way he will stay.

 

I've been where you are -- it is not changing. You've invested 2 years of your life in this man. Don't waste anymore.

Edited by Zahara
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you are totally correct! I've taken 2 breaks thus far, last week and 6 months ago, and both were in hopes it would wake him up. I rationalize it like - he will see what life is like without me and I'll show him. And nothing really changes. So yes, im not taking anymore breaks. Ill have to walk away, its very hard, but i know i should. I know I'm accepting less and i hate that. I feel like I'm disrespecting myself. Im going to walk away and tell myself "if he has an epiphany - cool, and if not, im not losing anythinf anyway. Bc i don't have him the way i did, or the way i need." Im not naive, im sure nothing will wake him up, but if that's what i need to tell myself to walk away that's what ill have to do. Its just sad bc i require so little, such basic things, and he can't/ refuses to put that effort in. I've not loved anyone the way i do him - it sucks.

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you are totally correct! I've taken 2 breaks thus far, last week and 6 months ago, and both were in hopes it would wake him up. I rationalize it like - he will see what life is like without me and I'll show him. And nothing really changes. So yes, im not taking anymore breaks. Ill have to walk away, its very hard, but i know i should. I know I'm accepting less and i hate that. I feel like I'm disrespecting myself. Im going to walk away and tell myself "if he has an epiphany - cool, and if not, im not losing anythinf anyway. Bc i don't have him the way i did, or the way i need." Im not naive, im sure nothing will wake him up, but if that's what i need to tell myself to walk away that's what ill have to do. Its just sad bc i require so little, such basic things, and he can't/ refuses to put that effort in. I've not loved anyone the way i do him - it sucks.

 

You loved the guy that first came into your life. That was a facade. Overtime he started showing you who he truly was and is. When you start to emotionally detach from him, you'll begin to see that there was really nothing much to love. If a man can't even give you the basics, then what do you really love about him?

 

I'm sure he will have an epiphany. When he realizes he's losing you, he'll swing back and feed you with a bunch of promises. So don't fall for it when he returns.

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There's zero 'actual' communication here.

 

You can't expect him to know what to do to make things better if you don't tell him things - it's been 2 years but only 2 years. He's oblivious to most of the issues you have in this relationship and especially if you blow up and don't ever explain.

 

This break should be an end. It's way too confusing to even consider getting back together. He would only go along with a reconciliation as he doesn't know what the issues are.

 

In your next relationship please please actually COMMUNICATE WITH the guy, He won't be able to read your mind sweetheart.

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Did you not read my edit: i did communicate all of these issues with him, gave examples and explained in great detail over a multitude of days. I have totally adjusted my style of communication for him, to better suit him. He asked i confront him with an issue head on I the moment, which id prefer to take time and think about it before speaking on it - but now ive done it the way he has asked. Mind you, his communication or lack there of is terrible and he has made 0 effort to adjust or meet me half way via communication. Ive already told him how i felt about Tne other girl not coming and the posotion i feel I'm in, and he has mafe 0 effort tp communicate about it. Im not going to keep telling him and nagging him. TRUST me when i say - the issues i have are CLEAR ... He Just isn't willing to put the effort in to meet me Hawaii

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Did you not read my edit: i did communicate all of these issues with him, gave examples and explained in great detail over a multitude of days. I have totally adjusted my style of communication for him, to better suit him. He asked i confront him with an issue head on in the moment, which id prefer to take time and think about it before speaking on it - but now ive done it the way he has asked. Mind you, his communication or lack there of is terrible and he has made 0 effort to adjust or meet me half way via communication. Ive already told him how i felt about The other girl not coming and the position i feel I'm in, and he has made 0 effort to communicate about it. Im not going to keep telling him and nagging him. TRUST me when i say - the issues i have are CLEAR ... He Just isn't willing to put the effort in to meet me on them, and I'm realizing this via this thread and the other responses.

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And who said i blow up? That's just funny. If anything, im guilty of recoiling and not speaking up - but ive worked extremely hard to change that as i know that's ****ty communication and gets us no where - he recognizes the change ive made as well.

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TL;DR - Should I go on the trip if he does eventually ask? What should i do about my relationship?

 

You know, the real issue isn't this trip. The real issue is that you can't talk about this with him.

 

A relationship without communication is not a relationship.

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As the saying goes You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

Time to throw in the towel. You would be much happier without him.

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I did talk to him about it... told him my feelings about it and recieved little to no response, shouldn't the ball be in his court now? To step up and communicate back? Or step up and figure out the plan for a trip he invited me on?

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Lol by asking a question? And stating facts? Calling myself out on prior ****ty communication? I guess im blowing up myself then?

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I did talk to him about it... told him my feelings about it and recieved little to no response, shouldn't the ball be in his court now?

 

Yes, but he's obviously not interested in playing. That's why you should grab your ball and go home, or better, go and find someone else to play with.

 

Develop zero tolerance for this type of passiveness. You can't do the work of both partners.

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