Relationship in a really weird place

[Shiawase]

I met my bf in March and we got real serious real quick. The only problem is hes moving away. I'll be 4 hours away from him. Which y'know isnt great but if we're both serious we'll make it work.

 

The biggest problem is our "life plans" don't really include each other. We both want the same thing; get a job, drive and go to Uni.

 

There is no overlap at all. When my friend went long distance with her fiance they had a plan. Whoever gets a job first the other will move to meet them.

 

Makes sense. But with me and bf we don't have anything like that. He moves away then we go in totally opposite directions.

 

I'm just not sure how to reconcile things. I'm seeing my bf today and i hope to talk to him about it.

 

I don't want to rush things nor do i want him to sacrifise his goals. But i feel like we need to talk about how our relationship fits into everything.

 

Wish me luck everyone!

[ExpatInItaly]

A quick question before I give my thoughts: How old are you both?

[d0nnivain]

You have only known each other since March. It's way too early to map out a life plan together.

 

Try this instead: date long distance & make a plan about how to stay connected & how often you will see each other. 4 hours is not insurmountable & should allow you to see each other at least once per month.

 

Next year after you have been together a while & both have a better handle on your studies & possible job prospects then you can start talking about who will move based on who gets a job 1st. Now it's too early to put that kind of pressure on your fledgling relationship

[TopsyLove]

I've moved for a significant other twice, neither worked out but it doesn't mean it can't work out for you.

 

I opted to move when I was either recently laid off or had a crappy job that I didn't mind losing. Also, it helps if you don't have a lot of belongings so it's not a big deal if you break up and have to either move out on your own or move back home. If you can afford to move and won't be taking a loss in your career, then I say do it. It'll work or it won't but at least you won't have the 'when if' thought.

 

It will be difficult, it will have pressure on both of you, you will have to do whatever you can to get a job quickly so they won't think you moved there just to live off of them - but at least you'll get life experience and will have lied out this portion of your life. For me, I moved back home after the relationships. For a few gfs, they ended up staying where their significant other lead them and have happy lives there.

[alphamale]

Wish me luck everyone!

were you soliciting advice?

[Shiawase]

You have only known each other since March. It's way too early to map out a life plan together.

 

You make a very good point. But the issue is that we both have life plans mapped out but neither have room for our relationship. It's ok for the moment; we both find jobs and meet each other at an equidistant location once a month.

 

But once i have financial stability again i fully intend to back to college. This isn't something i'm prepared to move for. Its simply too important to risk exacerbating my anxiety over. The course will be two years. All being well i then go to Uni. I could take a gap year but i really don't want to. Uni will be another 3-4 years.

 

My partners plans are a lot more over the place. But the end result is the same.

 

The only option i can see is somewhere down the line we try to look at Unis that are close to each other. I want to do museum studies so if his uni does it i could move up and join him. But i also don't want to limit our options.

 

I probably sound very inflexible but Uni is something I've wanted to do for so long. I've messed once before cuz of a guy i have no intention of doing it again.

[Shiawase]

I've moved for a significant other twice, neither worked out but it doesn't mean it can't work out for you.

 

I've done it twice as well. Ruined the relationship. But it was because it simply wasn't the right time or place.

 

Its only been 5 months so its early days yet. If we were to move in I'd give it a year minimum.

 

But the issue still remains; there is just no place for each other long term. Short term is fine but i have no intention of uprooting again. At least not for a while. I moved house three times over the past couple of years. I need stability atm.

[basil67]

Shiawase, nowhere in this have you written that you love him or will miss him. Or anything else which makes me believe this is really a relationship worth saving.

 

Given that the two of you are both putting yourselves first, it makes me think that both of you see the relationship as a secondary priority. In which case, is it really worth trying to continue long distance?

[d0nnivain]

The only option i can see is somewhere down the line we try to look at Unis that are close to each other. I want to do museum studies so if his uni does it i could move up and join him. But i also don't want to limit our options.

 

Try this instead: relax. Enjoy what you have now & have faith that everything will work out the way it's supposed to.

 

Uni is for a finite period of time unlike a career. So. Enjoy dating your guy. Both of you should go to the university that works best for you, no matter how far apart they may be. Do not pick a school based on him. Stay connected or break up which ever feels / works better for you. If you stay together through uni & make it (which no offense is highly unlikely) start working on this life plan & narrowing down the intersecting geography in your last year as you search for a place to begin your career.

 

You are projecting too far out with too many unknowns for now. Stop Just enjoy what is.

[Shiawase]

Shiawase, nowhere in this have you written that you love him or will miss him. Or anything else which makes me believe this is really a relationship worth saving.

 

I'm not particularly open about my emotions. Never have been. Been gushy just ain't my style.

 

I do see your point about putting ourselves first. But i did explain my hesitance to subject myself to yet more upheaval. Not to say that I'm not willing to change. Just that its far from ideal.

 

Sorry if I'm sounding snippy btw. I just don't like the notion that if someone isnt gushing about how a person is the love of their life somehow undermines the relationship. I clearly love him which why this is so hard.

[Cookiesandough]

This happened to me in college with a 'relationship' that was just getting off the ground. 4 hours away, different colleges is hard not to grow apart unless you are very strong or long term goal that includes each other . I broke it off becsuse it wasn't serious but i regret it often.

[Shiawase]

Try this instead: relax. Enjoy what you have now & have faith that everything will work out the way it's supposed to.

 

Do not pick a school based on him.

 

The crux of the issue is that i can't see how it will. And until something's figured out it's going to keep going round in my head. Thats the way i'm wired unfortunately. ?

 

I don't intend to. I don't believe in my life revolving around my partner. But at least a bit of overlap would be nice. ?

[Shiawase]

This happened to me in college with a 'relationship' that was just getting off the ground. 4 hours away, different colleges is hard not to grow apart unless you are very strong or long term goal that includes each other . I broke it off becsuse it wasn't serious but i regret it often.

 

I'm sorry to hear that. It must've been rough going. I've debated breaking it off but i cant see life without him. Even some rough idea would be better than all this uncertainty.