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Is she being shady, single, or simply normal?


LostHisWay

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Hey, guys. So I'm fairly new to dating. My previous relationships all happened at a young age when it was pretty straight forward after a couple of "dates" and they lasted a while (four years and six years), but I haven't really been out dating since the last one ended some three years ago so I lack experience here.

 

Anyway, I've been hanging out and hooking up with this girl (a former colleague/friend) for 6 months now. At first she had a boyfriend of 2 years and was cheating on him with me, but then left him back in late May.

 

Since then we have been spending a lot of time together and dating, but a few weeks ago she told me she was hanging out with "a friend from college" who she had not seen in a long time. Her vagueness about who the friend was raised a flag for me, but I didn't make a fuss about it. The next day when me and her hung out she casually named him -- we'll call him Tom -- while talking about her day.

 

Anyway, about 2-3 weeks have passed and again she told me this week that she was grabbing a bite with Tom one night. While that does not necessarily mean anything, I know through her behavioral patterns, conversational context clues, and hours-long disappearing acts some days/nights that she has hung out with him on more than just these two occasions. Not always alone, but the majority of the time yes. A mutual friend's social media picture/video of a group gathering confirmed this one day.

 

I casually asked her about him this weekend as we were winding down on a night/morning together and if he was the same Tom she had hung out with a few weeks ago. She said yes, and when I asked if he was a former fling/ex-lover she confessed that he was. I stayed silent for a bit so she asked what was wrong and I told her nothing and that she was free to do whatever she wanted since we're not exclusive. We said bye in a nice way and shortly after she text me saying that she didn't like how our hangout ended and that she didn't want me to feel uncomfortable, weird, or upset. She also said if I wanted to ask or tell her anything about the situation, that I could.

 

The only other detail I'll add is that before I asked about Tom she asked me about my plans later that day. I told her, in the same manner that she did a few weeks prior, that I was going to have lunch with "a friend". She said I hadn't mentioned that before and then stopped to ask me, 'You would tell me if you were sleeping with someone else right?" I said yes, asked her the same and she said yes.

 

So my question to those with experience is: Who is Tom? Is he really just a friend? Is he someone else she's "dating" or using for attention? What are the chances that they are hooking up and she's not telling me? How should I proceed here?

Edited by LostHisWay
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Cookiesandough
Hey, guys. So I'm fairly new to dating. My previous relationships all happened at a young age when it was pretty straight forward after a couple of "dates" and they lasted a while (four years and six years), but I haven't really been out dating since the last one ended some three years ago so I lack experience here.

 

Anyway, I've been hanging out and hooking up with this girl (a former colleague/friend) for 6 months now. At first she had a boyfriend of 2 years and was cheating on him with me, but then left him back in late May.

 

 

Yeah, she's shady. No need to read any further. The fact she's doing some ex fling again on the side while she's seeing you is not the problem. She can do as she pleases since she's not exclusive with you. But only a fool would become exclusive with her(at least on their end) seeing as how she has no moral qualms about sleeping with orbiters while she has a bf.

Edited by Cookiesandough
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Sounds like it's a bit of a cycle with her as she did the same thing with you.

 

I expect things went pretty fast with the two of you once she spilt up.

 

I think she is on the way out of this relationship.

 

Logically thinking, I'm not sure what else you would have expected out of this scenario.

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Anyway, I've been hanging out and hooking up with this girl (a former colleague/friend) for 6 months now. At first she had a boyfriend of 2 years and was cheating on him with me, but then left him back in late May.

 

[...]

 

 

So my question to those with experience is: Who is Tom? Is he really just a friend? Is he someone else she's "dating" or using for attention? What are the chances that they are hooking up and she's not telling me? How should I proceed here?

 

You really want to know who Tom is? He is you, when you first began hooking up with her. She cheated on her other boyfriend with you now she is cheating on you with the new guy... It never ceases to amaze me how people can be. You obviously had no problem being the OM, so why are you now bent all out of shape when she is extending the same courtesy to you that she extended to her first bf? If she cheats with you, she'll cheat on you as well...

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Cookiesandough
You really want to know who Tom is? He is you, when you first began hooking up with her. She cheated on her other boyfriend with you now she is cheating on you with the new guy... It never ceases to amaze me how people can be. You obviously had no problem being the OM, so why are you now bent all out of shape when she is extending the same courtesy to you that she extended to her first bf? If she cheats with you, she'll cheat on you as well...

 

Well said. Amazes me. They always think they're so special

Edited by Cookiesandough
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You're not exclusive so not sure why she thinks you tell her if you slept with someone else or why you think she should. This relationship with Tom could be anything. She was cheating when you met her so yes there's always the chance but it's not cheating because you're not exclusive. Which makes me wonder if she was exclusive with the guy you say she cheated on when you first met her or not. Until you to agree to be exclusive you don't need to be worrying about who's sleeping with who or dating who. You could easily open this conversation by her comment that you'd tell me if you were sleeping with someone. You could say Hey you mentioned I should tell you if I'm sleeping with someone so I think it's time we haven't talked about whether we want to be exclusive or not.

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If this worries you then you need to have that discussion with her about being exclusive, setting boundaries and expectations. You can't expect her to read your mind. If you sit there and say everything is ok, then she will think everything is ok and continue to hang out with other guys one on one.

 

I don't think they are slamming, he might be hoping, but I think he is in the friends zone. He's not a stranger, he was someone she had dated in the past and it looks like it didn't pan out. So I doubt she is rekindling anything sexual with him. Yes women can do that. They can enjoy a guy's/past lover's company without having any interest in them sexually. Her track record doesn't look great and that should be brought up in the conversation. I get one would question her actions. I still feel you would have more to worry about if this was just some random guy she had met.

Well thought out communication is key to having any success in any kind of relationship you have with anyone.

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If this worries you then you need to have that discussion with her about being exclusive, setting boundaries and expectations. You can't expect her to read your mind. If you sit there and say everything is ok, then she will think everything is ok and continue to hang out with other guys one on one.

 

I don't think they are slamming, he might be hoping, but I think he is in the friends zone. He's not a stranger, he was someone she had dated in the past and it looks like it didn't pan out. So I doubt she is rekindling anything sexual with him. Yes women can do that. They can enjoy a guy's/past lover's company without having any interest in them sexually. Her track record doesn't look great and that should be brought up in the conversation. I get one would question her actions. I still feel you would have more to worry about if this was just some random guy she had met.

Well thought out communication is key to having any success in any kind of relationship you have with anyone.

 

So to update:

 

We had a talk on Sunday about everything. She told me that the guy is just a friend she is hanging out with because she wasn't allowed to before (when she was in her 2-year relationship that she recently got out of) because they had history. She told me nothing has happened between them, but that it is nice for her to be able to hang out with whoever she wants, until whatever time she wants, and not be worried about having to report to anyone. Basically, she is enjoying being single after being in something serious for a while.

 

She also said she really does care for me/have feelings for me. She added that when she goes out it isn't with the intention of trying to be with somebody else, and that she has thought about us potentially having a future and possibly introducing me to her family in the winter when they come for the holidays. However, she also said she needs more time because 1) she needs to heal herself and 2) she's not ready to commit again to something serious right now.

 

To her credit, she has for the past month or so been going out and drinking almost every day, which is not like her. She's usually very structured and has a healthy routine of sleeping early/waking up to go to the gym/working/going home to cook and eat. She's gotten away from that since the breakup with her ex. I know she needs time and I do want to be with her, so what is my best course of action here? Just take it slow? Go NC for a bit? Pull out altogether?

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I just want to mention one thing, and that is the longer you know a person, the more of that whole person you will see. Seems obvious, but most people hang on to "Oh, when I first met her she was perfect" instead of realizing people gradually show you who they are as well as no one is the same day in and day out.

 

You mentioned she used to be on more of a regimen and I guess you like that. But she's not a person who wants to be on the same regimen all the time, so if you are, she might not be the one for you. However, glad you talked. She sounds okay to me. She is enjoying her freedom but not really doing anything you should object to.

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Yeah, she's shady. No need to read any further. The fact she's doing some ex fling again on the side while she's seeing you is not the problem. She can do as she pleases since she's not exclusive with you. But only a fool would become exclusive with her(at least on their end) seeing as how she has no moral qualms about sleeping with orbiters while she has a bf.

 

Yes CND is right...

 

If you just want to bang her, use a condom at all times.

 

If you want to have a relationship with her, then dump her today.

 

Not relationship material. Not only because of Tom, but because she cheated with you on her last BF.

 

You really need to lose this one.

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Yes CND is right...

 

If you just want to bang her, use a condom at all times.

 

If you want to have a relationship with her, then dump her today.

 

Not relationship material. Not only because of Tom, but because she cheated with you on her last BF.

 

You really need to lose this one.

 

Well the problem with that is...we have never used a condom. I know that's not a good or smart thing, but not sure how I can just switch it up on her without raising flags.

 

I also know her cheating is a major red flag (and cause for some of my distrust in her) no matter the reasons she told me, but I've also cheated on previous relationships and am not the same today as I was then. Still, I know her character is questionable given that she went along with the cheating charade for a while before breaking up but I really do like her.

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If I were you I wouldn't hold onto hope. She likes you yes, but not to have a relationship with. Cut her lose and let her sow her wild oats like she told you she wants to do at this time.

 

IMO she just used you as her stepping stone to get out of her unhappy relationship.

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we have never used a condom.

 

So ... Even when you knew she was sleeping with at least one other person besides you, you still weren't using a condom? That's mistake Number 1 (and I'd get tested for STDs if you have not already done so).

 

Mistake Number 2, IMO, is expecting her to behave differently with you than she has in the past. Yes, people can change. I know it's possible, but if she lied and cheated before, I'd be pretty suspicious at this point.

 

At the very least, if you want a long-term relationship with her, you need to have the exclusivity conversation. And that doesn't mean she can't go out for a drink with people. But it sure as hell means she shouldn't be sleeping with other people. And if she is and you still want to be with her, please, use a condom.

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So ... Even when you knew she was sleeping with at least one other person besides you, you still weren't using a condom? That's mistake Number 1 (and I'd get tested for STDs if you have not already done so).

 

Mistake Number 2, IMO, is expecting her to behave differently with you than she has in the past. Yes, people can change. I know it's possible, but if she lied and cheated before, I'd be pretty suspicious at this point.

 

At the very least, if you want a long-term relationship with her, you need to have the exclusivity conversation. And that doesn't mean she can't go out for a drink with people. But it sure as hell means she shouldn't be sleeping with other people. And if she is and you still want to be with her, please, use a condom.

 

I have always been pretty logical - brain over heart - in terms of decision-making in relationships and what not and know in my gut that this probably isn't a good idea given her character. I really do feel that deep down at times and understand I'm taking a risk by continuing this either as is or even as an official item with her.

 

Still, I don't know if it's me being older, alone, or just her affect on me, but I really do like her and feel like I could be ruining something potentially good by pulling out. Like I'm not being patient enough/or trying hard enough. I feel like me not trying enough (though I was much younger) was the reason my last relationship failed.

Edited by LostHisWay
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Sounds like it's a bit of a cycle with her as she did the same thing with you.

 

I expect things went pretty fast with the two of you once she spilt up.

 

I think she is on the way out of this relationship.

 

Logically thinking, I'm not sure what else you would have expected out of this scenario.

 

They did, actually. What made you think that, though? Just trying to understand.

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So one problem in all of this and something I never mentioned: We were friends from an old job before our romance/sex/whatever you call it began.

 

I could try and drop her completely, but we made plans with three other former colleagues to take a trip to the Caribbean in September. Flights are already booked and everything...

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You're a rebound

 

I could see that, but as someone else pointed out, can one still be a rebound if hooking up while she was still in her last relationship? Not being a smart ass or defending myself. Honest question.

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Cookiesandough
I could see that, but as someone else pointed out, can one still be a rebound if hooking up while she was still in her last relationship? Not being a smart ass or defending myself. Honest question.

 

Think so. Relationships are often done before the actual breakup occurs and some people just can't stand being alone so they need a filler.

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Just so I have my facts right.....

 

You helped her cheat on her boyfriend with you for months.....and now you are upset that she might be cheating on you with someone else.

 

Have you ever looked up the word hypocrisy?

 

Dude, you're just experiencing karma.

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Think so. Relationships are often done before the actual breakup occurs and some people just can't stand being alone so they need a filler.

 

She definitely doesn't like being alone -- said the other night on a date "I don't know how to be single" -- so you're right on that.

 

You seem to have pretty good knowledge on this so I'll add a sidenote that I probably should have mentioned before:

 

Last week she went out for drinks during the week with her girl-friend, who I've met and hung out with on a handful of occasions and am friendly with. She told me she alluded to her friend about having an emotional investment in me and that her friend responded very negatively to that and they butted heads about it. She said was put off by the way her friend said things, for instance saying something alone the lines of "You're going to go from your ex to him?" and "It's your life, you do what you want."

 

If I was the rebound, would she be telling her friend about me and potential interest? Again, honest question.

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Just so I have my facts right.....

 

You helped her cheat on her boyfriend with you for months.....and now you are upset that she might be cheating on you with someone else.

 

Have you ever looked up the word hypocrisy?

 

Dude, you're just experiencing karma.

 

You're right. I know I wasn't doing a good thing while I was doing that, but I've had a crush on her for a while now and gave in to my urges. But knowing that I was in the wrong and fooling myself as the OM is also why I pulled out after a while and went no contact. I got tired of being the OM. She then came back and a couple weeks later and broke up with her boyfriend.

Edited by LostHisWay
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They did, actually. What made you think that, though? Just trying to understand.

 

Predictable actions and behaviours with predictable results.

I'm not at all surprised things moved fast.

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