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I'm not sure what is happening with this guy ?


amkxoxo

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So I’m really confused about what is going on with this guy. We met on Bumble a month ago. We went out on a date shortly there after for drinks. He paid. We had the best time. We went out a few days later, with lots of texting in between. He took me for dinner. It was great. He insisted on paying for everything. We then went for ice cream right after, and walked around talking. We had a lot of chemistry. He lets me know straight out on this date that his career in the sports industry has him here in the spring and summer and fall, but out to Florida in the Winter for a few months, since he needs to be outside. It might not always be that way, but for this year it is. He said he was looking for someone that could be okay with that and handle it, if he left. He said guys in his field either meet a girl who can handle it and marry her, or wait until they are in their 30s to date when they are more settled. I was happy he was very upfront about it with me from the start, but also felt it was a lot of pressure on me to decide something like that only after two dates. I can do distance. I have done it before. It didn't work for me because the guy didn't put in the effort.

 

I did a lot of thinking and I finally told him that it concerned me. He asked if I still wanted to keep seeing him. I told him yes. He said he really wanted to keep seeing me too, and that he hoped him leaving wasn't going to ruin things for us so early on. He then said that if things went well, that maybe I could come visit him this winter if we progressed further.

 

My friends thought this was a good sign, him saying that he potentially saw me still being with him months from now to go visit him and that guys didn't throw that around lightly. At that point, I realized that I wasn’t going to let him leaving bother me and I was going to enjoy my time with him. We really hit it off and had fun, and that’s all that mattered. We might be together when he leaves or we might end up not being together. I couldn’t let the stress of things that had yet to happen, ruin my time with him. We go out again. He drives a distance to see me at my house. We go bowling, out for drinks, and then back to my place to watch a movie. We innocently cuddle on the couch. He doesn’t make any moves. He briefly kisses me at my door goodbye and we leave it at that. We continue texting a lot. He calls me the next day and says how much he liked seeing me and he just wanted to cuddle and watch a movie with me and tells me he would drive to me anytime. So he comes over and we cuddle and watch a movie. We end up falling asleep. He stays the night, nothing happens. He barely touches me. I tell him I am not just looking for a cuddle buddy. I am looking for more than that. He assures me that he definitely doesn’t just want me for that, and that he wouldn’t ask me how my day was or talk to me and take me out in public if that’s what he wanted.

 

He leaves and we start our work weeks off. The next day we are texting and he calls me “babe”. The next day we are talking about food, and I suggest we go out to eat that night. We make a plan, but he later cancels, claiming he is exhausted. I tell him its okay and we should do it another time. He keeps calling me “Babe” and “darling” and even asks if that’s okay with me and if I preferred one over the other.

 

He then asks me if I am free Friday night. I am. So he then tells me how one of his co workers invited him to a party at his house, and he wants to take me. He says I can stay at his house with him after, since it’s a distance away and we will be there late. We make a plan. But then he later tells me he found out the party is Saturday, not Friday. We shift our plan. I then ask him I he wants to still do something on Friday with me. He says yes. So he comes out my way. I cook dinner, he brings wine. We talk a lot and have a great time. We watch a movie, and fall asleep together again.

 

The next night, I drive out his way. When I get to his house, he grabs my hand and holds it while he shows me around his work, and his place. He lives right near his work. We go off to the party. I was unsure of how the party was going to go. Last time an ex brought me to a party, he ignored me. This guy didn’t he introduced me to people. His co workers said something about me being his girlfriend, and he simply said “This is Alex.” Someone else came up to me at one point and asked if I was his girlfriend. I said I was unsure yet, as it was early on. What shocked me was him. He stuck with me the whole time. He packed on the PDA in front of these people. Rubbing my hair, neck, back, and kissing me, all in front of these people. At one point I went to go to the bathroom. It was down a dark hallway away from everything. He must have come looking for me, because he was right outside the door when I came out. He grabbed me and kissed me passionately. He calls me “babe” in person too. He holds my hand while he’s driving all the way back to his place.

 

We go back to his place at the end of the night. We cuddle, get a little handsy, and makeout a lot. No clothes come off, but we get a little touchy feely with them on. We wake up in the morning and he insists on taking me for breakfast. He takes me to the place we were supposed to go to when he cancelled on me earlier in the week. I remind him multiple times that I am leaving on a family vacation that night and coming back on Friday. I make sure to tell him when I am coming back many times so he knows.

 

I leave on vacation. My first day away, Monday, I text him and we chat a bit. We start flirting and he brings up he few hickeys I left on him. He claims he will have to match me next time, and do it to me. Tuesday, he messages me and asks how my day is. We briefly talk. Wednesday he wishes me a good day, and again we exchange well wishes but very brief. Thursday, I decide to message him first. He never responds.

 

I find this weird, but I just wait it out, figuring he is busy. I come back form vacation, and he messages me Friday night. He says he is so sorry and he was wondering why he hadn’t heard from me, and he thought he responded, but he never did. We talk, and he asks if I am back. I tell him I am. He then starts with the “why aren’t you here with me then?”

 

I tell him that isn’t how I roll . He knows it. I told him many times, that I am not looking just for a cuddle buddy that you call when you are lonely. I am looking for more. He says that its unfortunate. What? That I won’t run to your house at 9pm on a Friday.

 

I tell him “I would really like to see you, how about we plan something for tomorrow.”

 

He then says how he already told the guys (his roommates) he would go out with them. I then tell him that was too bad, but I hope he has fun. I tell him to text me tomorrow and hopefully we can make a plan for the rest of the weekend. He says “You can text me too you know.”

 

I take that as him wanting me to be a little more proactive. The next day I text him and we are chatting. Nothing really special comes of it. I tell him I hope we can make plans soon for tomorrow, before all my time gets snatched up for the weekend. He responds “Hmmmmm”

 

I’m sort of irritated by this. And super confused as to why he doesn’t seem to want to see me. Sunday comes, and he starts texting with me telling me he was so drunk last night with the guys. He tells me he feels really bad, hungover. Then the conversation fades. Later in the night, I say “Babe? Are you okay? Hope you aren’t still sick?”

 

He responds saying how he feels so bad. How he worked until 5, but then went with the guys golfing after work and was just eating something for dinner. It was 9pm. This sort of pissed me off. He knew he was getting out at 5pm, and he didn’t want to see me. He instead went golfing with the guys. Again, so confused. I give him the benefit of the doubt again, thinking he was hungover and didn’t want to see me like that. He tells me how he has a crazy 80 hour work week. He warned me previously that in August his schedule was going to get crazy and we may not see each other, but I feel like you prioritize and make time for what you want. I am supportive of him and his career fully. But I guess some more communication about this would be nice. Like “Hey, I know this week so crazy busy and I may not be able to see you until after it, but I’m hoping we can plan something when things settle down.”

 

Something like that so at least I would know he was still interested and I wasn’t wasting my time.

 

Monday comes, and he texts me bright and early. He’s nice and talkative. Then he starts telling me how his shift got cancelled because of the weather. He works outside. And how he is doing nothing all day and is just sitting around. I wait and think he will make a plan with me for later when I am out of work, but he doesn’t. I’m so confused again. He tells me he is going to get groceries and we stop talking. Later in the day he starts asking me how my day was. We chat briefly and he drops off. I see on social media a few hours later that he is out drinking beers with the guys at a bar. Again, could have seen me, but chose that.

 

I’m so confused at this point. Its Tuesday. I came back from vacation Friday. I think I made it known that I want to see him, but I don’t get why he doesn’t want to see me. Things were going so well. He seemed into me. I even consulted my girl friends boyfriend, for a guys perspective and he said it seemed like he was into me, especially after last weekend. I don’t understand what changed, flipped, shifted to make it this way. Maybe I am overthinking this. But I just don’t understand.

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I have noticed a pattern that people often find the person they are dating to be distant after a period of time apart.

 

I think that the time apart gives people a chance to reflect on things and see if the relationship is what they want.

Or perhaps he met someone else while you were gone.

 

I would lean back right now.

Do not put any pressure on things.

Let him come to you.

 

In the meantime, see your friends, continue to date others, and reevaluate the relationship as I suspect he has done/is doing.

Is this guy is really worth having a part-time long distance relationship with?

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I find this weird, but I just wait it out, figuring he is busy. I come back form vacation, and he messages me Friday night. He says he is so sorry and he was wondering why he hadn’t heard from me, and he thought he responded, but he never did. We talk, and he asks if I am back. I tell him I am. He then starts with the “why aren’t you here with me then?”

 

I tell him that isn’t how I roll . He knows it. I told him many times, that I am not looking just for a cuddle buddy that you call when you are lonely. I am looking for more. He says that its unfortunate. What? That I won’t run to your house at 9pm on a Friday.

 

I am trying to figure this part out.

 

You were gone for a week and upon your arrival he's asking you right away if you can see him and you hit him on the nose with *that isn't how I roll* Why? He was showing excitement at your arrival and you shut him down.

 

In all of your story this man did nothing but respect you, again why shut him down like this? You said you don't want a cuddle buddy but he's never acted like one, he took you out, took you to his party, introduce you to his friends, etc.

 

And if you like this man THAT much what is so wrong into running to his house at 9 pm? You are young and full of energy can't you be spontaneous? After all the times you spent together, the outings, the meeting the friends, I think you need to stop being this rigid and a little more relax and fun and spontaneous.

 

After the way you shut him down i doubt he'll make the next move. I wouldn't.

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I totally agree with Gaeta's post.

 

Also, it seems like he is waiting for you to initiate something -- something specific, not a wishy-washy "I hope we can get together soon." I don't know why you are passively sitting by hoping he will make plan with you. If you want to see him, ask to see him on a specific day. You should've just asked to see him on Sunday or Monday if you wanted to see him.

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ExpatInItaly
I am trying to figure this part out.

 

You were gone for a week and upon your arrival he's asking you right away if you can see him and you hit him on the nose with *that isn't how I roll* Why? He was showing excitement at your arrival and you shut him down.

 

In all of your story this man did nothing but respect you, again why shut him down like this? You said you don't want a cuddle buddy but he's never acted like one, he took you out, took you to his party, introduce you to his friends, etc.

 

And if you like this man THAT much what is so wrong into running to his house at 9 pm? You are young and full of energy can't you be spontaneous? After all the times you spent together, the outings, the meeting the friends, I think you need to stop being this rigid and a little more relax and fun and spontaneous.

 

After the way you shut him down i doubt he'll make the next move. I wouldn't.

 

 

All of the above.

 

I don't really understand why you were so quick to get your back up with this guy, OP.

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I am unsure. This is exactly what was said

 

Him: "are you back?"

Me: "I am back"

Him: "Wooo. Then where are you?"

Me: "At my house"

Him: "No, why aren't you here?"

Me: " Someone didn't invite me ;)"

Him: "Uhm well meet me"

Me: "Meet you where?"

Him: "In my room"

Me: "You know that's not how I roll Mister"

Him: "Welp"

Me: "welp what?"

Him: "Thats unfortunate"

Me: "To be honest, I'm really tired from the trip, but I do really want to see you, so how about something tomorrow?"

Him: "Aaaahhhh, I already told the guys I'd go with them."

 

...

 

That's how the conversation went. I feel bad. I hope I didn't **** up. I do really like this guy. He's pretty great, other than the recent not seeing me thing. I'm not sure what to do to fix this. I don't want to be clingy or needy. When he was inviting me to his room at 9pm, it felt like a booty call and it made me nervous.

 

How do I fix this???

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You went on 6 dates he pretty much all initiated. Out of those 6 dates he stayed over or you did for a total of 4 times and he never acted inappropriately.

 

After 6 dates a man will attempt at being flirty which I believe he was trying but definitely not booty calling you. If you had gotten there and things warmed up you simply needed to say : it's too soon for me. He still would have done nothing wrong, it's normal after 6-7 dates a man wants to escalate intimacy a little.

 

All that being said, you need to decide what you need to feel safe enough to be intimate with him. If you need exclusivity tell him, if you need time 2-3 months, tell him. The man need a map so he's not gonna step on your toes by accident and create a conflict when all he wanted was to take this relationship to the next step.

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How do I fix this???

 

Take him out on a date. Make concret plans with him, ask him when he is free to see you and invite him.

Edited by Gaeta
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I am unsure. This is exactly what was said

 

Him: "are you back?"

Me: "I am back"

Him: "Wooo. Then where are you?"

Me: "At my house"

Him: "No, why aren't you here?"

Me: " Someone didn't invite me ;)"

Him: "Uhm well meet me"

Me: "Meet you where?"

Him: "In my room"

Me: "You know that's not how I roll Mister"

Him: "Welp"

Me: "welp what?"

Him: "Thats unfortunate"

Me: "To be honest, I'm really tired from the trip, but I do really want to see you, so how about something tomorrow?"

Him: "Aaaahhhh, I already told the guys I'd go with them."

 

...

 

That's how the conversation went. I feel bad. I hope I didn't **** up. I do really like this guy. He's pretty great, other than the recent not seeing me thing. I'm not sure what to do to fix this. I don't want to be clingy or needy. When he was inviting me to his room at 9pm, it felt like a booty call and it made me nervous.

 

How do I fix this???

 

Sounds like he's trying to hurry up and get you into bed.

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Take him out on a date. Make concret plans with him, ask him when he is free to see you and invite him.

 

Please don't do this. I don't understand why women today are chasing men. If a man is interested, he'll make it happen. How are you supposed to know how he feels when you're chasing. No wonder men are so lazy with dating today and try to hurry up and hit and quit.

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Please don't do this. I don't understand why women today are chasing men. If a man is interested, he'll make it happen. How are you supposed to know how he feels when you're chasing. No wonder men are so lazy with dating today and try to hurry up and hit and quit.

 

Have you read her initial post? He took her out 6 times and paid. He took her in his intimate circle and introduced her to friends, he has not touched her once during those 6 dates even though she stayed over like 4 times.

 

At some point a woman needs to reciprocate!! It's more than time she takes him out and treat him.

Edited by Gaeta
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I did pay. When we went out bowling on our third date, I paid for bowling. He paid for drinks.

 

I made him dinner on the fifth date.

 

The party he invited me to, he didn't really know anyone there. He only knew the guy whose home it was. Everyone else was a stranger. He then weirdly told me in the car ride home that most likely his friend won't remember meeting me, because he was so drunk.

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Have you read her initial post? He took her out 6 times and paid. He took her in his intimate circle and introduced her to friends, he has not touched her once during those 6 dates even though she stayed over like 4 times.

 

At some point a woman needs to reciprocate!! It's more than time she takes him out and treat him.

 

EXACTLY. If by six dates a girl didn't make an attempt to initiate a date I would call her out on it. If she didn't like it, we have different dating styles and it's a see ya. This day and age it's very common for women to do a share of the legwork in a relationship. This isn't the 1940's.

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I did pay. When we went out bowling on our third date, I paid for bowling. He paid for drinks.

 

I made him dinner on the fifth date.

 

The party he invited me to, he didn't really know anyone there. He only knew the guy whose home it was. Everyone else was a stranger. He then weirdly told me in the car ride home that most likely his friend won't remember meeting me, because he was so drunk.

 

You provided to 2 dates, out of seeing him 6 times.

 

Ask him when he's free because you'd like to take him out. That's my advice. He showed you a lot of interest, it's not chasing him, it's reciprocating.

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I asked. I have nothing to lose. I can't handle the torture. His answer should tell me what I need to know hopefully

 

I said:

 

"I know you have a crazy week going on, but I was thinking if you had some time we can go get ice cream and walk by the lake, or order Chinese and hangout with a movie? If either of those you would want to do? "

 

I will see what he says!

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So he responded:

 

"Hey! I'm sorry, this week is going to be no bueno. I have stuff going on every night unfortunately."

 

And he added a serious/sad emoji at the end.

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So he responded:

 

"Hey! I'm sorry, this week is going to be no bueno. I have stuff going on every night unfortunately."

 

And he added a serious/sad emoji at the end.

 

He did not offer an alternative? if not then let it be. The ball is in his court. No more chitchatting on your part. Let him get back to you.

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No, he didn't say anything else or offer an alternative.

 

How do I respond to that?

 

"Yes, I understand"

 

or "Gotcha, good luck"

 

or "Wow, you did say August was a busy month, you weren't kidding"

 

or "No worries. Hope the week goes smoothly for you."

 

??

 

I don't know if he is genuinely busy or doesn't want to see me. He did tell me on our second date that August was an insane month for his work and that one of the weeks he is going to be working crazy hours. I remember because we were out to dinner and he specifically said "Nights like these probably won't be happening often then."

 

Meaning early dinner nights. He warned me. I don't know.

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No, he didn't say anything else or offer an alternative.

 

How do I respond to that?

 

"Yes, I understand"

 

or "Gotcha, good luck"

 

or "Wow, you did say August was a busy month, you weren't kidding"

 

or "No worries. Hope the week goes smoothly for you."

 

??

 

I don't know if he is genuinely busy or doesn't want to see me. He did tell me on our second date that August was an insane month for his work and that one of the weeks he is going to be working crazy hours. I remember because we were out to dinner and he specifically said "Nights like these probably won't be happening often then."

 

Meaning early dinner nights. He warned me. I don't know.

 

 

" Hope the week goes smoothly for you." with a smile.

 

 

I would not type No worries.

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Typed it. Sent it.

 

I feel like I was searching for an answer as to whether he wants to see me or not in this and I still didn't get it. He could just be super busy with work, or he could just not want to see me anymore. He could be seeing others, going out with the guys, who the heck knows.

 

He didn't specifically say it was work related. But I knew he had told me his work was getting crazy this week and he even said he was working like 80 hours, so I just assume its work.

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Cookiesandough

No way. He'd make time in a week if he was *really* interested. He would follow up with another suggestion if he were remotedly still interested... even a how about next week or some lukewarm bs like that...

 

That text exchange was very bootycallesque. Sounds like he just lost interest. Cut losses and forget him

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He responded to my smoothly comment.

 

He said "Thank you. Its already been hell. I went to the office supply store like half a dozen times."

 

So thats for his work. He's working.

 

I'm moving on though. These feelings I have. I felt with my ex. The feeling of them being too busy with work, life, and not feeling important. I hate this feeling. I don't know if I want to feel this way.

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I stand by my original advice.

 

Nothing in your opening post indicated that you weren't showing enough interest or doing enough.

 

In fact, there has been a bit too much hanging out on the couch and falling asleep with your clothes on.

You need to be out doing stuff and having fun with your dates this early on.

 

And now that he says he is busy a whole week combined with his behaviour since your return - I call BS.

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