Is he "flirting"?

[ShiningMoon]

Hi all,

 

There is this "older" guy (in his 50s) at work whose interactions have been acting quite strange towards me from the beginning. He's fully aware of my educational background, so he knows I'm overqualified for this position. He's part of senior management, but not my manager as we don't work in the same department.

 

I did my training at his location last year. We spoke a couple of time though business and we hit it off fairly well. He asked me to join for drinks a few times on the same day, but I never did. I don't like to mingle with the people from work. Besides, he asked one last time when there was just the two of us left in the office, so I knew no one else from work would tag along.

 

We don't live in the same country, so after my visit, he never really bothered to my business emails (when he would reply to other people's who swore he was extremely nice). He would also blame me for mistakes that were made by other people. It really bothered me, because I felt he thought I was incompetent. This really bothered me to the core. He was dismissive of all my business emails.

 

I called him once and he started trying to prounonce my name in a funny way. Then he asked: "You're not impressed, are you?" to which I replied "No, not really". He stopped calling ever since that episode. He apologized profusely on the phone, during our business conversation though.

 

Anyway. He still couldn't be bothered to reply to my business emails, until a few days ago. He heard there would be a possibility he might see me, and he replied to my business email ... which is extremely rare! He replied asking about the dates of my visit because he "heard" yadi yada.

 

I gave him the dates and his response was that he will be on holidays, so he's sorry to hear he won't be there. He said he would have otherwise asked me to go out for drinks.

 

I never call him, but I was compelled to last Friday for a work-related issue and he rushed the conversation, to end up asking: "When are you coming again?". When I reminded him, he paused for a while and said: "Well, I'll be in the office, so I'll see you then".

 

What is going on here? He seems a bit bipolar with me.

[preraph]

He may very well have been trying to get you to go out with him and then got insulted when you didn't so he pulled back, but then when he found out he might have to see you or you'd be around, he tried to act "normal" and professional but also made it clear he isn't going to see you. It doesn 't take much to insult a superior at work when they are unprofessional enough to hit on you and it's an age-old problem with very few good answers except one: No matter what he does, remain professional.

[ShiningMoon]

He may very well have been trying to get you to go out with him and then got insulted when you didn't so he pulled back, but then when he found out he might have to see you or you'd be around, he tried to act "normal" and professional but also made it clear he isn't going to see you. It doesn 't take much to insult a superior at work when they are unprofessional enough to hit on you and it's an age-old problem with very few good answers except one: No matter what he does, remain professional.

 

Well, I wasn't planning on telling him about my visit. He just heard it from a colleague.

 

He could have just refrained from asking when he thought he wasn't going to be there. No, he replied: "I'm sorry to hear I won't be there, otherwise I would have asked you to join for a few drinks". That was two weeks ago.

 

Besides, when we spoke on the phone on Friday, he made a point to tell me he's actually going to be there, so I'm not entirely convinced his intention is to make it clear he's being cordial, otherwise he wouldn't have brought up the drinks situation again.

 

 

Two weeks ago, he told me he won't be there as he'll be on holidays. Now, he tells me he'll be there. Ok.

 

To be fair, I turned him down because I had just started at the company a month prior and I felt it would be highly inappropriate to go out for drinks with a higher up. Who knows what could have crossed his mind. I'm 26 and he's in his early 50s, so it's very easy for him to assume I'm an easy target.

Edited August 7, 2017 by ShiningMoon

[d0nnivain]

On some level I think he's socially immature. Flirting by calling a business subordinate by a mispronounced name is juvenile.

 

Interoffice dating can be tricky but here since you are not in the same country or department so it might have been OK. However, when he started giving you unfair reviews after you spurned his advances that was the classic definition of sexual harassment. This shows poor business judgment on his part.

 

I'd keep all interactions with him above board & professional. Keep a record of all communications at your house not your work.

[ShiningMoon]

I agree on the "socially immature" comment. This is the type of behavior a 12 year old would engage in.

 

In all fairness, every since he heard I'm going to visit, he changed his attitude. Now, whenever I call him about something, he agrees with my viewpoint and even manages to respond to my email.

 

I think he had a talk with my manager who is also in her management and he gathered my work is always of quality. Thus, there was no way he could throw me under the bus. He subsequently saw some of my work and certain significant issues I handled, which were really proof of my abilities.

 

If he's in a bad mood however, he can be rude, but I will put it down on how ruthless the industry can be at times. There are rude people everywhere.

 

Now, I will not deny the fact that I am attracted to him. The problem is given how his temperament seems to be, if I were to even give him a hint I like him, he's not going to take me seriously anymore. He seems like he would be the kind to throw me under the busfor revenge if I were to cross the line to something more personal then backtrack for one reason or another.

Edited August 7, 2017 by ShiningMoon

[d0nnivain]

Now, I will not deny the fact that I am attracted to him. The problem is given how his temperament seems to be, if I were to even give him a hint I like him, he's not going to take me seriously anymore. He seems like he would be the kind to throw me under the busfor revenge if I were to cross the line to something more personal then backtrack for one reason or another.

 

Stay away until you work at different companies.

[ShiningMoon]

Stay away until you work at different companies.

 

Honestly, he's pretty high up, so he may never go away.

 

I, on the other hand, am on the verge of promotion .. so this may be a long while. Oh well.

[d0nnivain]

Well it will be easier for you to get a new position for which you are qualified once you get this promotion.

 

The fact that you think he might retaliate should give you great pause in starting something.

[ShiningMoon]

Well it will be easier for you to get a new position for which you are qualified once you get this promotion.

 

The fact that you think he might retaliate should give you great pause in starting something.

 

Jobs are hard to find these days. No one is insane enough to quit a position if they get promoted or even if they do not. Leaving a steady job for another is a serious decision. If I ever were to make this decision, I would hope that it is because I deserve to be elevated in my professional status, not because of a man.

 

I am not 100% sure he would retaliate. However, given his behavior after I did not go out with him for drinks last year, it gives me enough material to anticipate the result of a rejection of a greater degree ... but I might be wrong.

[GemmaUK]

I get the vibe that he is an utter creep.

 

He is not at all professional.

I would keep all and any communication with him on a solely professional level and if I were you get rid of any thoughts that you might want to pursue this romantically at any point in time.