boyfriend's siblings don't like me

[lostmyshadow]

Let me start off by saying that just about everything about my relationship is good. My bf's parents approve of me. His friends like me, and I like them. He has met most of my family, and they get along.

 

But, his siblings don't like me. It's causing a lot of stress in the relationship. It probably wouldn't be a big deal if it weren't for the fact that he's close to them and we live in the same area, so we see them regularly. My own family lives 5 hours away, so I don't see them as often.

 

I think they began to dislike me about two years ago when I quit my job. It was a toxic workplace. I've had issues with depression/anxiety most of my life, and that job just made it even worse. I even had to go to a doctor who prescribed me meds, and I went to a counselor. I was living with my boyfriend, so quitting my job suddenly caused some financial strain, which I feel really bad about. Keep in mind though that I didn't give my notice at work without asking my bf if he was okay with me doing that. When I ask him now if I made a mistake, he tells me that he's glad I quit because he doesn't like how they treated me.

 

Long story short, it took me a while to get steady employment. I took on contract jobs for a while to help pay for things. I always paid for my own groceries, phone bill, etc. I couldn't pay rent every month, and I totally understand how bad that looks and why his family might be concerned. But, my bf and I had discussed this ahead of time and he told me he was okay with me taking some time to get back on my feet. Around this time, three of his siblings texted him telling him that his relationship with me "needs to be equal." One of the sisters who told him that owes him thousands of dollars and keeps going on trips every year instead of paying him back. Yet she criticized me about money. Okay then.

 

I now work full-time. I have helped pay for bills every single month this year. I treat my bf to lunch when I'm able to, buy things for the house, and I do pretty much all the cleaning around here. I still get criticized for things. His little sister got upset when I did not pay for his parking ticket. Sorry, but I just bought him a $100 ticket for an event. I might be working now, but I can't pay for everything. I want to earn more money and start paying other bills. I'm trying to save up for a trip to Cuba this winter and be able to pay for the entire thing as a way of thanking him. He did a lot for me and I want to return the favor. But it's like as soon as his siblings find out I didn't pay for this or that, I get criticized.

 

Anyway, I don't know how to deal with his siblings not liking me. They also don't like that I don't talk enough. I am a quiet person by nature. None of my other boyfriend's families ever had a problem with it. But with them, it's a big deal. They have been complaining to him about it since the first time they met me. I don't think they understand that I KNOW what they say about me and that it makes me even MORE uncomfortable around them, which makes it even MORE hard to talk to them. I get along okay with his one older brother and SIL. They are the only ones who haven't complained (not that I know of, anyway). I feel like they respect boundaries better than his other siblings.

 

How do I deal with my bfs siblings not liking me? They are too polite to be rude to my face, but it's really hard for me to go to his family dinners and sit there with a bunch of people who I know don't like me. The older sister even suggested to my bf that he not invite me to an important family dinner last month (he invited me anyway and I went). Is there anything I can do to make things better? Or should I just say that I'm busy whenever they invite me to things? My bf and me keep having arguments about it. Last night he told me to just focus on my own stuff and try not to worry what they think. But I'm really sensitive, so I don't know how to not care.

Edited August 3, 2017 by lostmyshadow

[d0nnivain]

Sadly there is not more you can do then what you are doing: working & paying the bills.

 

If your BF isn't bothered & he's still inviting you 'round, just continue to show the siblings by deed that you are not a leech. Eventually they will get the message

 

Trying to talk about this will just cause drama. Don't bother.

 

Do make sure you always come to family things with something -- dessert, flowers, a bottle of wine etc. You need to let them see you pulling your own weight.

[kendahke]

One of the sisters who told him that owes him thousands of dollars and keeps going on trips every year instead of paying him back. Yet she criticized me about money. Okay then.

 

But she's blood and he is OK with the arrangement, else he'd have taken steps to administer consequences to her. This isn't your concern.

 

Last night he told me to just focus on my own stuff and try not to worry what they think.

 

He's right. They're going to think and say whatever they want and there really isn't anything you can do about that except determine how close in proximity you place your person in relation to them.

 

As long as you know what your truth is, that is all that matters.

 

Unless they're paying your bills, you don't have to accommodate them. You have to get to the point where you don't give a F about what they think. If you do choose to confront them, the whole family will circle the wagons, so determine if you want to be the one shut out on that. Your boyfriend is already showing you that he's got a wagon in that train by not checking his siblings and arguing with you about the matter.

 

I'm curious: how do his parents treat you and feel about you, since you seem to know how his siblings feel about you.

[lostmyshadow]

Sadly there is not more you can do then what you are doing: working & paying the bills.

 

If your BF isn't bothered & he's still inviting you 'round, just continue to show the siblings by deed that you are not a leech. Eventually they will get the message

 

Trying to talk about this will just cause drama. Don't bother.

 

Do make sure you always come to family things with something -- dessert, flowers, a bottle of wine etc. You need to let them see you pulling your own weight.

 

Thanks for the advice.

 

He is bothered. He told me he doesn't see them as much as before because of this. He said he would rather spend time with me than spend time with them, so now he just doesn't see them as much. They expressed their concern about this to him. I actually ENCOURAGE him to see them more often, but he won't do it. I have also told him I'm willing to go out to lunch with him and his little sister, but he never invites me out with them. This seems contradictory to me. I'm fine with him having brother-sister time, but if he wants me to go out with them more often, why doesn't he invite me? Does she dislike me so much that she won't even try it? It is much easier for me to talk to people one-on-one or in small groups than in a crowd. But I only see them all together as a large group (his family is large).

 

He is influenced by their opinions also. He and I would discuss something one day and agree on something, then a week or two later he talks to his siblings and suddenly he's NOT okay with our decision. I sometimes feel like they interfere with our relationship.

 

I started making sidedishes and bringing them to dinner a few months ago. I wish I'd started doing that sooner. I also made them rum balls for Christmas. I never did find out if they liked them or not. Probably not.... maybe I will try flowers next time.

[lostmyshadow]

But she's blood and he is OK with the arrangement, else he'd have taken steps to administer consequences to her. This isn't your concern.

That's true, but my point is she's being hypocritical. He was okay with his arrangement with ME, which is none of HER concern.... yet she still commented on it.... even though she had a similar situation going on with him. She actually texted her two other siblings complaining about me and then all three of them texted my bf to complain! I think she was out of line for doing that.

 

 

 

 

Unless they're paying your bills, you don't have to accommodate them. You have to get to the point where you don't give a F about what they think. If you do choose to confront them, the whole family will circle the wagons, so determine if you want to be the one shut out on that. Your boyfriend is already showing you that he's got a wagon in that train by not checking his siblings and arguing with you about the matter.

 

I'm curious: how do his parents treat you and feel about you, since you seem to know how his siblings feel about you.

 

Yeah, I'm concerned that he doesn't check his siblings. I talked to him about that before, and he got mad and thinks I'm asking him to choose between them and me. I'm not asking him to choose. I'm asking him to lay down some boundaries. He has gotten slightly better, but obviously not enough. That's what we keep arguing about. He just doesn't get it. It really concerns me.

 

His parents are nice to me. They always greet me, and his mom usually makes certain foods that she knows I like. They told my bf that so long as he is happy with me, that's what matters. They have also complimented me on things like how I keep the house clean, that they think I'm fit, etc. When his mom went to the hospital, I went with my boyfriend to see her, which made her happy.

His siblings on the other hand have never said anything nice about me, or at least not so far as I know.

 

I'm not going to confront them. What I meant to ask is should I try harder to be more friendly with them, or is that just wasted effort?

Edited August 3, 2017 by lostmyshadow

[Gr8fuln2020]

My siblings didn't tell me that they didn't like my ex until after I divorced and got away from her. Lol. After the divorce, they spilled the beans... I had no idea and neither does (did) my ex.

 

Good family members try to keep a lid on it for your sake. If they see that you are happy, they do their best to support you and keep their own insecurities or dislike for the partner at bay. Your bf's siblings sound like subversive HS students.

 

There is not much you can do. Just keep it cool and continue being the positive you and that is enough. As long as your bf is happy being with you, that's all that counts.

[ChatroomHero]

I let a friend stay with me, he didn't pay rent or bills for a few years. I have known him forever, since we were kids, and for the sake of his kids didn't push the issue because I wanted him to get back on his feet and be able to take care of his kids while they were younger.

 

 

I expected after he was working steady, he would offer to pay. Never did until I forced him to. At one point the first month he was going to pay after years of not paying he said he needed extra time, I told him too bad he had years of time. He has paid ever since without issue.

 

 

I let another friend move in with me and she stayed about a little over a year. She never paid anything but in her situation, I never expected it. My other friend used to make comments about how she was not paying, how she should and he wouldn't let her stay if it was him.

 

 

Bottom line- I had to tell him, dude, you don't pay either and never offered despite having a full time job for like 3 years. Should I throw you out too? He relented. People like your bf's sister and siblings that stick their nose in your affairs need to be handled by your bf.

 

 

They will complain about you not paying rent for a few months but totally justify they themselves owing thousands of dollars to him while coming by to show off the new car they bought, or the $80 sweatshirt they just bought...it is up to your bf to basically point out it is his money, his situation, he doesn't feel taken advantage of and that they are hypocrites for passing judgement.

 

 

Unless he makes a point to say that his one sister owes him thousands yet somehow affords vacations and asks if he should judge her the same way she judges you, they will keep on being that way towards you.

 

 

In my situation I was happy to help people out and didn't mind because I could afford it. When someone questioned me about it I just told them it was what I chose to do and really none of their business.

 

 

For that matter he should not really discuss your situation with them and if it comes up he can tell them you paid him back and let that be the end of it. This is really on your bf in my opinion.

[smackie9]

I know why they don't like you...because your BF is secretly complaining to them about you. This is why this hasn't stopped. They are phony nice to your face...well that is how they were raised, and your BF was in that same household if you get my drift. If he stepped up and told them to quit it, his dirty little secret will be revealed.

 

Most of us here would agree that if we were in your BF's position, we would never let anyone, even family, treat our SO like that. So what is happening here doesn't make any sense on the surface...you need to dig deeper.

[kendahke]

That's true, but my point is she's being hypocritical. He was okay with his arrangement with ME, which is none of HER concern.... yet she still commented on it.... even though she had a similar situation going on with him. She actually texted her two other siblings complaining about me and then all three of them texted my bf to complain! I think she was out of line for doing that.

 

If she was the one writing here, I'd tell her that his arrangement with you was none of her business. But she's not here bringing this story: you are.

 

Here's the truth you need to wrap your head around: she can do whatever she wants to do; she can say whatever she wants to say her her family members because they all share the same DNA. Circle... wagons... You can not like that til times get better, but you can't control what she does, so stop putting energy into that.

 

 

Yeah, I'm concerned that he doesn't check his siblings. I talked to him about that before, and he got mad and thinks I'm asking him to choose between them and me. I'm not asking him to choose. I'm asking him to lay down some boundaries. He has gotten slightly better, but obviously not enough. That's what we keep arguing about. He just doesn't get it. It really concerns me.

 

To you, it appears you're not asking him to choose, but to him, he feels it will come down to that and he's unsure whether he wants to cut his blood family out of his life for a girlfriend, which is why he is pushing back. If this wasn't an issue with him, it'd have been a done deal a long time ago.

 

His parents are nice to me. They always greet me, and his mom usually makes certain foods that she knows I like. They told my bf that so long as he is happy with me, that's what matters.

 

For the time being, this is all that matters. What her other children think pales in comparison to you having his parent's approval.

 

His siblings on the other hand have never said anything nice about me, or at least not so far as I know.

 

Stop obsessing about his siblings. They don't like you. That is your starting point. You don't waste time trying to appease people who don't like you. You let them be. Even if you go around his family on special occasions, it doesn't mean you have to be bff's with his sisters. That relationship is not going to materialize, so stop focusing on it.

 

I'm not going to confront them. What I meant to ask is should I try harder to be more friendly with them, or is that just wasted effort?

 

It's wasted effort at this time. I'm quite sure any girl he brought round to them would get the same treatment. This is something his parents needs to address on your behalf and if he's not going to ask them for their help in snatching a knot in their daughter's behinds, there isn't much left for you to do except ride this out and don't let their smallminded, petty BS get in your way. You're putting them right in the middle of your psyche--no one else is.

 

At the end of the day, your boyfriend isn't checking his sisters and he needed to be doing that a long, long time ago. THAT is where your problem lies, not with them.

Edited August 3, 2017 by kendahke

[kendahke]

I know why they don't like you...because your BF is secretly complaining to them about you. This is why this hasn't stopped. They are phony nice to your face...well that is how they were raised, and your BF was in that same household if you get my drift. If he stepped up and told them to quit it, his dirty little secret will be revealed.

 

Most of us here would agree that if we were in your BF's position, we would never let anyone, even family, treat our SO like that. So what is happening here doesn't make any sense on the surface...you need to dig deeper.

 

Ooooh, yes! This is probably what is going on and why he is so reluctant to check them and argues with you instead of them on this issue.

[lostmyshadow]

That's true that it's on him. I recently realized that and talked to him about it. He got really upset and uncommunicative. The conversation didn't go very far. He just kept saying that it's up to me to talk to them. NO, it's not. He thinks I'm asking him to choose between them or me. NO, I'm not. I'm asking him to stand up for me.

 

I don't know if this will ever change. We've been together for almost 3 years now, lived together for 2. Really this is the only issue I have with him, is that he can't stand up to his family. I don't know if it's worth putting up with.

 

I even told him that he should probably keep our personal finances to ourselves. He responded that his older brother gives him good advice, so he wants to talk to him about it. Okay. So why tell your sister our financial business? I don't understand why he can't understand this concept of boundaries. I don't know how to talk to him without him getting mad or stonewalling me.

[anna121]

 

I even told him that he should probably keep our personal finances to ourselves. He responded that his older brother gives him good advice, so he wants to talk to him about it. Okay. So why tell your sister our financial business? I don't understand why he can't understand this concept of boundaries. I don't know how to talk to him without him getting mad or stonewalling me.

 

This is your real problem. He shares financial details with others that really should not be. I mean, why is it any of their concern how you two split the rent while you were getting back on your feet?

 

If he is unwilling to change that dynamic, you need to accept that this problem will continue for the forseeable future, and just decide whether the hassle is worth it given the good points of the relationship that you mentioned. But don't expect this particular issue to disappear anytime soon.

[kendahke]

That's true that it's on him. I recently realized that and talked to him about it. He got really upset and uncommunicative. The conversation didn't go very far. He just kept saying that it's up to me to talk to them. NO, it's not. He thinks I'm asking him to choose between them or me. NO, I'm not. I'm asking him to stand up for me.

 

Yeah, he's been running you down to them behind your back, which is probably why you're not invited to their little lunches.

 

I don't know if this will ever change. We've been together for almost 3 years now, lived together for 2. Really this is the only issue I have with him, is that he can't stand up to his family. I don't know if it's worth putting up with.

 

This is one of those issues that will never resolve itself, so you're going to have to figure out if you are cool spending the next however many decades binding your life further to a man who cowers away from standing up to his family and checking them when they are wrong or are persecuting you.

 

I even told him that he should probably keep our personal finances to ourselves. He responded that his older brother gives him good advice, so he wants to talk to him about it. Okay. So why tell your sister our financial business? I don't understand why he can't understand this concept of boundaries. I don't know how to talk to him without him getting mad or stonewalling me.

 

He doesn't understand them because he has none which would provide the basis of that sort of understanding.

 

You may need to start thinking on moving into your own place unless you want to keep to this unrelenting scenario for the foreseeable future.

[lostmyshadow]

Should I even bother to ask him if he complains about me to them? I don't know if he would even be honest or if it'll just cause another argument.

 

We had another argument last night. He acted really cold towards me. This morning, he acted more normal. There's a good chance that we will break up over this. It's upsetting because I feel as if I'M the one who isn't good enough, who is doing something wrong, when really his behavior is the biggest issue.

 

I called him a coward last week and he got up and slept in the other room. Maybe I shouldn't have said that to him. I am just so tired of hitting a wall every time I try to discuss this issue with him.

[olivetree]

I'm all about transparency in a relationship, but I find it weird that he is passing on these negative things his siblings say about you.

Shouldn't he want to protect you and stand up for you without you ever knowing what was said?

 

So to me, he obviously wants you to know.

Relaying the information could be passive aggressive hinting that HE is unsatisfied or resentful about things and wants you to change.

[lostmyshadow]

I'm all about transparency in a relationship, but I find it weird that he is passing on these negative things his siblings say about you.

Shouldn't he want to protect you and stand up for you without you ever knowing what was said?

 

So to me, he obviously wants you to know.

Relaying the information could be passive aggressive hinting that HE is unsatisfied or resentful about things and wants you to change.

 

I have asked him to stop telling me negative things they say about me. He'll say okay and then do it anyway. Sometimes he'll say they complained, but then not tell me what they said, which makes me feel even worse than just knowing what they said.

 

Last night he told me about something they told him... I guess they were bothered by something I did TWO years ago and waited until now to say something? I don't understand why they are saying something now? And it's not even anything serious (I left some clothes to dry in the shower....lol...just say something and I'll move them out of the way!!). He refused to tell me the other stuff they said.

 

I feel like they nitpick me and I'm tired of it.

 

ETA: Okay I know I shouldn't care if they nitpick me. I am tired of the situation in general.

[kendahke]

Should I even bother to ask him if he complains about me to them? I don't know if he would even be honest or if it'll just cause another argument.

 

Probably not. Besides, that truth will out soon enough when one of them blurts out something you told only him in confidence and they attempt to fling it into your teeth.

 

We had another argument last night. He acted really cold towards me. This morning, he acted more normal. There's a good chance that we will break up over this. It's upsetting because I feel as if I'M the one who isn't good enough, who is doing something wrong, when really his behavior is the biggest issue.

 

You are not the one who is in the wrong here: he is. He isn't grown enough to be in a relationship where he has a live-in girlfriend. He's not mature enough to keep his siblings out of his business.

 

IME with my sister, the only time she ever came to me about her husband was when she complained about him... and that's only been recently, as their marriage is disintegrating. When things were fine, she didn't say "boo" to me about him.

 

I called him a coward last week and he got up and slept in the other room. Maybe I shouldn't have said that to him. I am just so tired of hitting a wall every time I try to discuss this issue with him.

 

Hmm... the truth hurts, but he still needs to hear it.

 

Time for you to be the wall--which is moving into your own place. And dont' announce it to him. Do what needs to be done to set up the ground work and when you're at the point where you're in a position where you can sign a lease, tell him your plans. He either poops or gets off the pot with respect to his sisters. Give him 4 weeks to get a grip and if he slinks away from standing up to them or running your relationship business past their committee, then go sign that lease and move out. He made a choice and the choice was his sisters. It'll be time for you to make your choice.

 

He seriously needs to grow up.

[olivetree]

I have asked him to stop telling me negative things they say about me. He'll say okay and then do it anyway. Sometimes he'll say they complained, but then not tell me what they said, which makes me feel even worse than just knowing what they said.

 

Last night he told me about something they told him... I guess they were bothered by something I did TWO years ago and waited until now to say something? I don't understand why they are saying something now? And it's not even anything serious (I left some clothes to dry in the shower....lol...just say something and I'll move them out of the way!!). He refused to tell me the other stuff they said.

 

I feel like they nitpick me and I'm tired of it.

 

ETA: Okay I know I shouldn't care if they nitpick me. I am tired of the situation in general.

 

Honestly, it's bizarre that they gossip about you every chance they get and your bf allows this.

 

He is either chiming in or just passively letting it happen, which is completely unacceptable!

 

And then the passing it onto you is the icing on the cake.

 

Your bf is a chump.

 

I am angry for you.

[lostmyshadow]

Yeah, I am seriously considering breaking up with him. Which hurts to think about because I still love him.

 

Finding my own place is a bit complicated because I don't know if I will stay in this city or move back to my hometown. It is a big decision to make and it stresses me out to think about it.

 

I also worry that if I stop dating him now, it will look like I just used him. I haven't had a chance to pay him back for all he did for me. I had every intention of doing that, and if I can't do that I will feel horrible.

 

I should mention that he "broke up" with me last week. He claims that he said it out of frustration and not knowing how to start talking to me. I thought he was being serious and cried my eyes out. He has since apologized but I don't trust him anymore.

 

This weekend will be hard because my folks are coming up to visit. He and I have tickets to run in a race on Saturday. Too late to get a refund, and we agreed to go ahead with it. I don't know how to act when he gets home tonight. I feel horrible right now.

[lostmyshadow]

Honestly, it's bizarre that they gossip about you every chance they get and your bf allows this.

 

He is either chiming in or just passively letting it happen, which is completely unacceptable!

 

And then the passing it onto you is the icing on the cake.

 

Your bf is a chump.

 

I am angry for you.

 

Thank you.

 

They don't gossip about me to him every chance they get. He said (assuming this is the truth) that his siblings rarely discuss me when he talks to them. But when I do come up in conversation, they usually say something critical.

 

Apparantly he sometimes stands up for me.... but he doesn't often enough.

 

I don't know if I should go to our mutual friends and talk to them about some of this. I've been leaving them out of it all so far. But he considers them to be family, and there's a chance they will talk sense into him. Maybe that's just me grasping at straws.

[lostmyshadow]

I should mention that I know how some of them talk to their BIL sometimes, and I think it's appalling. His wife (my bfs sister) allows them to treat him that way. I've noticed that these siblings are hardest on the BIL and on myself. He and I also just happen to be the ONLY non-Asian people. The one SIL even used to be just as quiet as me and nobody cared. But for me, it was a big deal. Seems like a double standard. I don't want to accuse them of racism, but it seems like quite the coincidence.

[kendahke]

Yeah, I am seriously considering breaking up with him. Which hurts to think about because I still love him.

 

Finding my own place is a bit complicated because I don't know if I will stay in this city or move back to my hometown. It is a big decision to make and it stresses me out to think about it.

 

How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. Same with any monumental task. You have to break things down into a lot of small tasks which is more manageable than thinking you have to tackle everything by Saturday. You've got time, especially when he goes to visit his sisters without you. Use that time to whittle down things you don't need and to look into moving back to your hometown if that's what you choose. Or go in a completely new direction. It's all up to you. Just do your research. Once you start, you begin building momentum. Look into apps to help you with that process. "Offer up" is a good one to start with helping to get rid of items.

 

I also worry that if I stop dating him now, it will look like I just used him

 

To whom? His sisters? Who gives a rip about what they think? They're going to think it no matter what you do.

 

I haven't had a chance to pay him back for all he did for me. I had every intention of doing that, and if I can't do that I will feel horrible.

 

Have you paid him back the money? Get that out of the way first. Exercise self discipline and curb your spending so you can get to a zero sum balance. As for the nebulous things, well, his behavior pretty much cancels that out every time he comes to you with some mess his sisters packed for him to bring back to you. Those go against the account, you know?

 

I should mention that he "broke up" with me last week. He claims that he said it out of frustration and not knowing how to start talking to me. I thought he was being serious and cried my eyes out. He has since apologized but I don't trust him anymore.

 

Yeah, I'd say this relationship is over except for the breaking up if he's already taken it there. He's planted the seed and some words linger longer than the "I'm sorry" offered up afterwards.

 

This weekend will be hard because my folks are coming up to visit. He and I have tickets to run in a race on Saturday. Too late to get a refund, and we agreed to go ahead with it. I don't know how to act when he gets home tonight. I feel horrible right now.

 

Maintain your grace and dignity. Find the center of your calm and reside there. Bask in the love of your parents and let them know what is going on. You need allies right now. Tell them all and lean on them to help you in this difficult situation. That's what parents are for.

[kendahke]

I don't know if I should go to our mutual friends and talk to them about some of this. I've been leaving them out of it all so far. But he considers them to be family, and there's a chance they will talk sense into him. Maybe that's just me grasping at straws.

 

Not before you talk to your parents first.

 

I'd leave anyone with any loyalty to him out of it.

 

They'll only twist the story and regret they got all up in the middle of things.

[olivetree]

Thank you.

 

They don't gossip about me to him every chance they get. He said (assuming this is the truth) that his siblings rarely discuss me when he talks to them. But when I do come up in conversation, they usually say something critical.

 

Apparantly he sometimes stands up for me.... but he doesn't often enough.

 

I don't know if I should go to our mutual friends and talk to them about some of this. I've been leaving them out of it all so far. But he considers them to be family, and there's a chance they will talk sense into him. Maybe that's just me grasping at straws.

 

I don't think it is ever a good idea to involve other people, and it is likely to put him on the defence.

It's another thing if he told them about it and they put him in his place.

You should be able to work things out with your partner on your own.

 

Have you ever asked your bf if he has a problem with the financial situation or the fact that you're quiet?

Have you ever asked him why he feels the need to share his sibling's criticisms with you?

 

My advice is to tell him that he needs to stand up for you so that the criticisms stop because you can't live like this any more.

You won't put up with it.

If you've already done that then there really is nothing else you can do but either live like this (and show him that your boundaries are weak) or walk away.

[d0nnivain]

Yeah, I am seriously considering breaking up with him. Which hurts to think about because I still love him.

 

Finding my own place is a bit complicated because I don't know if I will stay in this city or move back to my hometown. It is a big decision to make and it stresses me out to think about it.

 

I also worry that if I stop dating him now, it will look like I just used him. I haven't had a chance to pay him back for all he did for me. I had every intention of doing that, and if I can't do that I will feel horrible.

 

I should mention that he "broke up" with me last week. He claims that he said it out of frustration and not knowing how to start talking to me. I thought he was being serious and cried my eyes out. He has since apologized but I don't trust him anymore.

 

This weekend will be hard because my folks are coming up to visit. He and I have tickets to run in a race on Saturday. Too late to get a refund, and we agreed to go ahead with it. I don't know how to act when he gets home tonight. I feel horrible right now.

 

 

 

If he broke up with you this relationship is on it's last legs so you better get your act together about your living situation.

 

 

Do you know how much you owe him? Are you willing to sign a binding contract promising to repay him? If yes, do that & move out. The family already doesn't like you do what difference does it make that they continue to think you used him. You know the truth.

 

 

I think smackie is onto something with her theory that he's fueling the fire rather than standing up for you. I had some family drama with my husband's aunts. DH & his parents took my side & shut the aunts down hard. That gave me a lot of peace of mind, which is what you are missing.

 

 

There are already too many people in your relationship -- you him & his siblings. Don't drag others into this. Keep your own counsel.