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Thoughts on new guy I'm dating ...


newheart

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This is kind of a rambling post, so thanks for reading if you choose to. Just would like some feedback on this person I am casually dating at this point.

 

Met him 4 weeks ago this weekend in person (via OLD, after texting for about a week), and have had six dates total. We have plans tomorrow night, as well as the following Saturday (15th). He's smart, creative, hysterically funny. He is a bit of an introvert, like myself. He is 39, successful in his profession, no kids, never been married, never lived with anyone (which I admit, gives me pause). But, we've been having a good time.

 

We haven't had any conversations as to where we are in terms of dating other people, which is okay, not everything needs to be immediately defined. We haven't had sex, and we actually had a conversation on the first date because he told me that he believes in waiting at least two months before sex. I thought it was a little different (and admit, I suspiciously considered this was some kind of reverse psychology tactic, lol, but it doesn't seem to be so). But, I am also probably a little slower than average to become intimate anyway, so I was fine with this. (We've done other stuff, and so far I am pretty satisfied with that, lol)

 

Last night, I hid my OLD profiles. Partially because I want to see where things go with him, partially because I just need a break. It gets overwhelming, and I am not responding to any other messages at this point anyway, so I figured I'd take a break. I didn't say anything to him about it, just did it, because I didn't do it with any expectation he'd do the same at this point.

 

He seems slow to warm up, which is not necessarily a bad thing, but I am (overthinking, maybe) concerned that he could potentially be another dismissive avoidant or similar. Last weekend, he made a remark about being guarded with what he shares with people, though I can't remember the context at this point. That itself is not unusual, lots of people are (myself included), but in combination with our general conversations seeming to be on the surface level, I am unsure how to proceed.

 

At this point, while I like him very much, I am starting to feel like we should be connecting on a deeper level, or at least having more serious conversations. (We talk about work extensively, some life experiences, have had brief discussions about my kids or his family) He has never asked me about my parents, or if I even have a sibling. Isn't that weird? I feel like it is, but I am judging him based on other dates/past relationships. I guess I don't want to prematurely dismiss him on things that some could perceive as trivial or that just need more time, but I don't want to waste my time or become overly invested in someone who isn't.

 

Any thoughts?

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My thoughts? He's too lukewarm and you are trying your damnedest to make it into something that's not going to really happen.

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At this point, while I like him very much, I am starting to feel like we should be connecting on a deeper level, or at least having more serious conversations. (We talk about work extensively, some life experiences, have had brief discussions about my kids or his family) He has never asked me about my parents, or if I even have a sibling. Isn't that weird? I feel like it is, but I am judging him based on other dates/past relationships. I guess I don't want to prematurely dismiss him on things that some could perceive as trivial or that just need more time, but I don't want to waste my time or become overly invested in someone who isn't.

 

Any thoughts?

 

My first thought was if you want deeper conversations than be the leader and initiates them.

 

Also don't hesitate to volunteer information and ask the same in return. I don't remember my bf asking if I had siblings. I remember asking him and after he told me I told him about mine. He also did not get into details about his siblings, I am the one who leaded this conversation toward how many sisters and brothers, where do they live, is he close to any of them, do they have kids, how old, etc etc.

 

I remember one day having dinner with my bf at one of my brothers. We are talking about different stuff when my boyfriend says he parachute jumped at least 100 times. I went WHAT?? you never told me that!! - some people are just not good at volunteering about themselves. Don't get offended by it just be the initiator.

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coolheadal
This is kind of a rambling post, so thanks for reading if you choose to. Just would like some feedback on this person I am casually dating at this point.

 

Met him 4 weeks ago this weekend in person (via OLD, after texting for about a week), and have had six dates total. We have plans tomorrow night, as well as the following Saturday (15th). He's smart, creative, hysterically funny. He is a bit of an introvert, like myself. He is 39, successful in his profession, no kids, never been married, never lived with anyone (which I admit, gives me pause). But, we've been having a good time.

 

We haven't had any conversations as to where we are in terms of dating other people, which is okay, not everything needs to be immediately defined. We haven't had sex, and we actually had a conversation on the first date because he told me that he believes in waiting at least two months before sex. I thought it was a little different (and admit, I suspiciously considered this was some kind of reverse psychology tactic, lol, but it doesn't seem to be so). But, I am also probably a little slower than average to become intimate anyway, so I was fine with this. (We've done other stuff, and so far I am pretty satisfied with that, lol)

 

Last night, I hid my OLD profiles. Partially because I want to see where things go with him, partially because I just need a break. It gets overwhelming, and I am not responding to any other messages at this point anyway, so I figured I'd take a break. I didn't say anything to him about it, just did it, because I didn't do it with any expectation he'd do the same at this point.

 

He seems slow to warm up, which is not necessarily a bad thing, but I am (overthinking, maybe) concerned that he could potentially be another dismissive avoidant or similar. Last weekend, he made a remark about being guarded with what he shares with people, though I can't remember the context at this point. That itself is not unusual, lots of people are (myself included), but in combination with our general conversations seeming to be on the surface level, I am unsure how to proceed.

 

At this point, while I like him very much, I am starting to feel like we should be connecting on a deeper level, or at least having more serious conversations. (We talk about work extensively, some life experiences, have had brief discussions about my kids or his family) He has never asked me about my parents, or if I even have a sibling. Isn't that weird? I feel like it is, but I am judging him based on other dates/past relationships. I guess I don't want to prematurely dismiss him on things that some could perceive as trivial or that just need more time, but I don't want to waste my time or become overly invested in someone who isn't.

 

Any thoughts?

 

Oh you have kids from prior marriage or have you been married more than once? I get the idea you are worried about why he's not wanting to have sex with you? Could be two reason for that? Are you sure he's not married or seeing someone else? Have you been to his house even late at night? I don't sense anything else but you seem like you are uneasy about things. The others here have said what they said. Your not trying to control him your just trying to move things along. Every person is different men and women. You can't expect him to be what you want. Now what do you know about his other relationship let say his last one? What is your history too. This is where you need to make sure he's not from a toxic one his ego would be a mess. You do not want that mess in your current life with him. Stop and think a minute or too. No sex for two months? He's he healthy or is he hiding something?

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My thoughts? He's too lukewarm and you are trying your damnedest to make it into something that's not going to really happen.

 

Hmmm ... I guess this is possible. He initially did most of the pursuing, initiated all of our dates, initiated most of our contact (not because I didn't want to, he just texted so often I didn't have much of an opportunity). I did plan the date on the 15th though. Conversation is good when we are together, no awkward lulls, but there isn't much depth. I don't know that I am "trying my damnedest to make it into something", but I also don't want to bail on someone because I didn't give it enough time. Ugh.

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coolheadal
Hmmm ... I guess this is possible. He initially did most of the pursuing, initiated all of our dates, initiated most of our contact (not because I didn't want to, he just texted so often I didn't have much of an opportunity). I did plan the date on the 15th though. Conversation is good when we are together, no awkward lulls, but there isn't much depth. I don't know that I am "trying my damnedest to make it into something", but I also don't want to bail on someone because I didn't give it enough time. Ugh.

 

Too forgiving, give them time for what? Something not right with him, but you'll find out sooner than later.. Good luck my dear!

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My first thought was if you want deeper conversations than be the leader and initiates them.

 

Also don't hesitate to volunteer information and ask the same in return. I don't remember my bf asking if I had siblings. I remember asking him and after he told me I told him about mine. He also did not get into details about his siblings, I am the one who leaded this conversation toward how many sisters and brothers, where do they live, is he close to any of them, do they have kids, how old, etc etc.

 

I remember one day having dinner with my bf at one of my brothers. We are talking about different stuff when my boyfriend says he parachute jumped at least 100 times. I went WHAT?? you never told me that!! - some people are just not good at volunteering about themselves. Don't get offended by it just be the initiator.

 

Thanks, Gaeta. This is good advice, whether I use it with this guy or someone else. I will use this tactic tomorrow night and go from there.

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Oh you have kids from prior marriage or have you been married more than once? I get the idea you are worried about why he's not wanting to have sex with you? Could be two reason for that? Are you sure he's not married or seeing someone else? Have you been to his house even late at night? I don't sense anything else but you seem like you are uneasy about things. The others here have said what they said. Your not trying to control him your just trying to move things along. Every person is different men and women. You can't expect him to be what you want. Now what do you know about his other relationship let say his last one? What is your history too. This is where you need to make sure he's not from a toxic one his ego would be a mess. You do not want that mess in your current life with him. Stop and think a minute or too. No sex for two months? He's he healthy or is he hiding something?

 

Hi Al,

 

No, not married more than once, I am divorced 12 years, I am not concerned about sex or worried about it. I am more trying to put my finger on if something is lacking, or if I should give him more time to open up. But if I am writing about him here, then perhaps that is my answer.

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TheFinalWord
Hmmm ... I guess this is possible. He initially did most of the pursuing, initiated all of our dates, initiated most of our contact (not because I didn't want to, he just texted so often I didn't have much of an opportunity). I did plan the date on the 15th though. Conversation is good when we are together, no awkward lulls, but there isn't much depth. I don't know that I am "trying my damnedest to make it into something", but I also don't want to bail on someone because I didn't give it enough time. Ugh.

 

Yes, not asking about family is weird, but sometimes we men are just oblivious to such matters, and not good communicators in general.

 

I would lean towards him needing more time to want to open up to you (as you said, he has a lot less relationship experience than you, so no doubt your expectations are going to differ; 4 weeks is not really very long). I agree with the one poster that you should try asking him questions about things you want to talk about. But you'll also probably have to accept that things will progress slower.

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Yes, not asking about family is weird, but sometimes we men are just oblivious to such matters, and not good communicators in general.

 

It sounds like you would like deeper connection/conversations but are worried that: 1) he is hiding something or he would ask about more personal matters; maybe his rule about sex has some ulterior motive; 2) he is not hiding anything, but is simply not a deep thinker, emotionally intelligent, good conversationalist...in other words, you don't click on one of the most important factors in a relationship: communication. I would lean towards the latter, with more propensity towards him needing more time to want to open up to you (as you said, he has a lot less relationship experience than you, so no doubt your expectations are going to differ). I agree with the one poster that you should try asking him questions about things you want to talk about. If he blows it off, or seems uninterested, then you'll know.

 

Thank you! I had a poor experience in my relationship last year with someone who had communication issues, so I may be a bit oversensitive to this than others. I don't want to be in a situation where I am uncomfortable expressing myself, or more importantly, where I have to guess what others are thinking or what they want/need from me. I know that is way in the future and I can't always predict that, but I guess I am concerned that superficial communication now may lead to similar communication problems in the future. But, I agree with you about him needing more time, so I will try to stop assessing him and see how this goes this weekend ...

 

Just to explain since it has come up a couple times - I am not concerned about his 2 month wait for sex. (I was being funny, or trying to, with the reverse psychology comment, though I was surprised when he informed me initially) Until now, lol! Should I be concerned about this? I admit, I waited almost that long in my last relationship, but I didn't declare it in advance, it just happened that way. I wasn't seeing this part as an issue, I only brought it up since I think it plays into how reserved he may be.

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Hmmm ... I guess this is possible. He initially did most of the pursuing, initiated all of our dates, initiated most of our contact (not because I didn't want to, he just texted so often I didn't have much of an opportunity). I did plan the date on the 15th though. Conversation is good when we are together, no awkward lulls, but there isn't much depth. I don't know that I am "trying my damnedest to make it into something", but I also don't want to bail on someone because I didn't give it enough time. Ugh.

15+ dates is enough time to be seeing some results.

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15+ dates is enough time to be seeing some results.

 

Probably, but I was referring to Saturday the 15th. We've had 5 dates, plus one meetup for a walk for 2 hours, so I guess that counts for 6.

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coolheadal
Hi Al,

 

No, not married more than once, I am divorced 12 years, I am not concerned about sex or worried about it. I am more trying to put my finger on if something is lacking, or if I should give him more time to open up. But if I am writing about him here, then perhaps that is my answer.

 

Hi to you too.. So you are single woman.. He's the issue but your can do a lot better than him. You just settle for him. Still feel something is up with him. Just not right. I gave you a free reading I give them out here I hope you find peace in all of this. chaos. No one like you should go through this. Relationships are wonderful when both parties see eye to eye.. Wow your like me when it comes to Sex very good you will end up where you want to be but I am afraid not with him.

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It really hasn't been that long. It takes time to trust and open up to someone. If you enjoy seeing this man, continue to do so. It sounds like things are going well... but, if you want to get to know him better and have more intimate conversations, then you will need to initiate this. Hope it goes well.

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Michelle ma Belle

I'm one of those women who aches for conversations that go deep. Finding men who are both comfortable and have the ability to dive deep about anything are few and far between anymore which can be frustrating.

 

I've been where you are and I agree completely with Gaeta that sometimes YOU need to be the one to initiate the dive into deeper discussions if only to test the waters.

 

Only then can you decide whether or not he's worth pursuing.

 

Good luck.

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Probably, but I was referring to Saturday the 15th. We've had 5 dates, plus one meetup for a walk for 2 hours, so I guess that counts for 6.

 

Last two guys I dated were asking me about my life and family, and vice versa, by the 3rd phone call, let alone the second date. The fact that he hasn't even said squat is telling--meaning: he may not want you that far up in his life and isn't going to go there without a nudge or a prompt from you.

 

I wouldn't be in any hurry to take down my profile until he's given me concrete reasons to do so. You took it down for reasons that exist only in your head, not in what has fallen out in conversation between you two he made clear that he wants a future with you.

 

Like I said earlier--it's time for you to have a talk with him and get to why he is so reticent to even tell you the basics about his life.

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At this point, while I like him very much, I am starting to feel like we should be connecting on a deeper level, or at least having more serious conversations. (We talk about work extensively, some life experiences, have had brief discussions about my kids or his family) He has never asked me about my parents, or if I even have a sibling. Isn't that weird? I feel like it is, but I am judging him based on other dates/past relationships. I guess I don't want to prematurely dismiss him on things that some could perceive as trivial or that just need more time, but I don't want to waste my time or become overly invested in someone who isn't.

Any thoughts?

 

This puzzles me each time. What would you consider *more serious conversations*? Do you want to speak about the meaning of life? about spirituality? about your past heartbreaks? What exactly?

 

You have only been on 5 dates, you talk about work, some life experiences, you've mentionned the kids, isn't that the normal process of getting to know someone? On top of that you are not exclusive so why would he pour his deepest thoughts to you?

 

ETA: I want to add I had dates with men who opened up to me on our 2nd or 3rd date about their abusive childhood, or their heartbreak, or the traumatic loss of a parent. I am not sure I wanted to hear about it this soon and I assure you them confining in me didn't mean sh%t about them being into me, none of them stick around more than a couple of months. I bet they shed all of their *deep* conversations on every woman they met.

Edited by Gaeta
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Is he not sharing himself with you or is he not capable of the kind of emotional/intellectual depth you are looking for? I think the distinction is important. I usually spend about 10 minutes chatting/exchaging messages with a guy before I determine whether he has the emotional or intellectual depth I need. Ninety-eight per cent of the time he doesn't (and that's why I'm single!). Quite honestly, I get bored when a guy can only talk surface stuff. Usually most guys are eager to get to know you better so if they are not doing that there is a problem.

 

You can try initiating more in-depth conversations and see what happens. If you still feel frustrated after that, then I doubt it will get better. Humour does require intelligence though, so that's a good sign.

 

Waiting two months for sex is not too onerous. It is natural to wait until you both feel physically comfortable and relaxed with each other. What would bother me more about that is that he is setting the agenda. That could be a bit controlling. It would bother me if a guy said that to me, not because I'd want to rush into it but because he has set a rule without consulting me.

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This puzzles me each time. What would you consider *more serious conversations*? Do you want to speak about the meaning of life? about spirituality? about your past heartbreaks? What exactly?

 

You have only been on 5 dates, you talk about work, some life experiences, you've mentionned the kids, isn't that the normal process of getting to know someone? On top of that you are not exclusive so why would he pour his deepest thoughts to you?

 

ETA: I want to add I had dates with men who opened up to me on our 2nd or 3rd date about their abusive childhood, or their heartbreak, or the traumatic loss of a parent. I am not sure I wanted to hear about it this soon and I assure you them confining in me didn't mean sh%t about them being into me, none of them stick around more than a couple of months. I bet they shed all of their *deep* conversations on every woman they met.

 

You are right, the oversharing you experienced is too soon and I agree with you! I don't want that end of the spectrum, either. I am only going in comparison to what I have experienced myself, and maybe those I've dated in the past have been excessively open or probing into my life, so much more so than he.

 

The good news is - two more dates this weekend, and I feel more relaxed about this. I am sure I will find something else to over-analyze, lol.

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Last two guys I dated were asking me about my life and family, and vice versa, by the 3rd phone call, let alone the second date. The fact that he hasn't even said squat is telling--meaning: he may not want you that far up in his life and isn't going to go there without a nudge or a prompt from you.

 

I wouldn't be in any hurry to take down my profile until he's given me concrete reasons to do so. You took it down for reasons that exist only in your head, not in what has fallen out in conversation between you two he made clear that he wants a future with you.

 

Like I said earlier--it's time for you to have a talk with him and get to why he is so reticent to even tell you the basics about his life.

 

Hi there Kendahke,

 

I don't think he withholds basic facts about his life, I actually know quite a bit about it, but what I was saying is that he doesn't seem to ask a lot of questions about mine. For example, I know all about his sister, but he didn't ask about my sibling. This is what I was questioning. That said, this weekend we've had some really good conversations, and I think I received some good advice here.

 

To be clear, I didn't cancel my OLD because of 'reasons that exist in my head' - the fact is, I decided to hide it to take a break because of the number of messages you get on a daily basis, when I am not responding. So I hid it instead. I am fully aware that when/if he notices I am hidden, he very well could perceive that to be all about him. And partially, yes, I am not actively pursuing other dates at this time as I see what unfolds. But mostly, I don't see why I should leave it up and keep ignoring messages when I could just as easily hide the profile, and not have to keep getting the notifications.

 

Maybe I should have thought through hiding my profile a little more before I did it, but now, I feel like it would be weird if I unhid it. Ugh. Should I unhide it?

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Is he not sharing himself with you or is he not capable of the kind of emotional/intellectual depth you are looking for? I think the distinction is important. I usually spend about 10 minutes chatting/exchaging messages with a guy before I determine whether he has the emotional or intellectual depth I need. Ninety-eight per cent of the time he doesn't (and that's why I'm single!). Quite honestly, I get bored when a guy can only talk surface stuff. Usually most guys are eager to get to know you better so if they are not doing that there is a problem.

 

You can try initiating more in-depth conversations and see what happens. If you still feel frustrated after that, then I doubt it will get better. Humour does require intelligence though, so that's a good sign.

 

Waiting two months for sex is not too onerous. It is natural to wait until you both feel physically comfortable and relaxed with each other. What would bother me more about that is that he is setting the agenda. That could be a bit controlling. It would bother me if a guy said that to me, not because I'd want to rush into it but because he has set a rule without consulting me.

 

I am not sure, Spider-owl, and I think it will take some more time for me to figure it out, but I believe he is capable (in general he is very intelligent, quick witted, funny) ... we did have some great conversations this weekend. I think time will tell. I tend to want to know right up front what I am getting into, because I try to avoid/recreate past mistakes, haha. It's not my best trait.

 

That said, I kind of disagree about his timeline being controlling. What if it were a woman who said the same thing? She'd have standards, but he is controlling? I understand where you are coming from, but I don't think I have a problem with him 'setting the rule without consulting me'. It is different, I give you that. In the meantime, we have been gradually becoming more intimate, and I leave happy, so I am okay with waiting a bit longer to see where this goes. ;)

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I tend to want to know right up front what I am getting into, because I try to avoid/recreate past mistakes, haha. It's not my best trait.
What do you mean 'what you're getting into'? Sounds like you need to be re-assured about something early on, what is it?
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Hi there Kendahke,

 

but what I was saying is that he doesn't seem to ask a lot of questions about mine.

 

That was in my first sentence:

Last two guys I dated were asking me about my life and family

 

To be clear, I didn't cancel my OLD because of 'reasons that exist in my head' - the fact is, I decided to hide it to take a break because of the number of messages you get on a daily basis, when I am not responding.

 

Hmm.. I just don't sign on for a while. If I do, I just ignore them or delete/block those people until the guy I'm dealing with makes his intentions plain; then I hide/inactivate the account. I've got my accounts set to not notifying me one way or the other.

 

Maybe I should have thought through hiding my profile a little more before I did it, but now, I feel like it would be weird if I unhid it. Ugh. Should I unhide it?

 

I don't think so... this guy isn't making any declarations to you, so who would it look weird to? He knows how to speak up for what he wants and if he hasn't done that by now...

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JuneJulySeptember

At this point, while I like him very much, I am starting to feel like we should be connecting on a deeper level, or at least having more serious conversations. (We talk about work extensively, some life experiences, have had brief discussions about my kids or his family) He has never asked me about my parents, or if I even have a sibling. Isn't that weird? I feel like it is, but I am judging him based on other dates/past relationships. I guess I don't want to prematurely dismiss him on things that some could perceive as trivial or that just need more time, but I don't want to waste my time or become overly invested in someone who isn't.

 

Any thoughts?

 

I don't consider that deep conversation personally.

 

I have typically asked women about their parents and siblings on first dates, whether the date is going good or bad, and they answer. That's probably one of the first things to come to my mind to ask.

 

Sometimes more socially savvy, intellectually deep (as someone else put it) people tend to not go there for a while because they're too busy talking about their experiences, travels, and anecdotes and a variety of worldly topics.

 

I'm 100% confident that if you continue dating, he will eventually ask about your parents (or the topic will drift there).

Edited by JuneJulySeptember
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