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SettIng up date, puzzled


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So this happened to me a few times in the past and can't figure out why.

 

Met a woman on OLD, conversation was great, we hit it off and we agree we should go out and meet each other. She gives me her number. I wait maybe a day and then ask her out. She says yeah defInitley that sounds fun. I then say ok how about we meet at xxx at 730? And then no response. It's like as soon as the plan becomes something concrete sometimes they won't commit.

 

Here's the convo for context:

 

Me: hey how's your day going? Having a good Monday?

Her: yeah just got back from the gym how was yours?

Me oh nice yeah mine is goimg great about to teach some guitar lessons: are you around Friday night? Wanna grab some drinks in xxx? Figured that'd be a fun spot since we both like that area.

Her: oh great yes that sounds like fun for Friday

Me: have you ever been to xxx?

Her: yeah I love it there

Me: ok cool, how about we meet at xxx at 730 on Friday then?

 

No response. Been about 6-7 hours now and she's probably in bed now so I guess I'll wait until tomorrow but just seems weird to me. She only lives like 15 min from where I'm suggesting so I'm not making her go out of her way or anything

Edited by Grey40
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I keep suggesting this to you fellas who have this flaking problem, but unfortunately to deaf ears: Text -> Phone Call -> Date.

 

Anyway OP, you are asking a girl who knows nothing about you to invest her Friday evening to meet you, completely cold. No wonder why they keep flaking. If nothing else, at least warm things up a bit w some conversation (text if you insist on not calling her), before you try setting up the date.

Edited by Imajerk17
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I keep suggesting this to you fellas who have this flaking problem, but to deaf ears: Text -> Phone Call -> Date.

 

Anyway OP, you are asking a girl who knows nothing about you to invest her Friday evening to meet you, completely cold. No wonder why they keep flaking. If nothing else, at least warm things up a bit w some conversation, before you try setting up the date.

 

That is true, Friday is a prime day, but it's literally the only night I have this week free. Otherwise I'd suggest a Thursday or Sunday for first date.

 

I've never had a problem getting dates through strictly texting. Phone is fine but it's not nessecary, in my experience. I think if a woman is interested either method will work. I could open up more of a conversation before meeting, but we did that on the app already. But I think you could be right that it's a comfortability issue. Then again,she may text me tomorrow and agree I've had women take a while to respond before probably becasyse she wanted to make sure she was free or figure out an alternative day. But she already said Friday was good for her, so it was a bit weird. Maybe it got too "official" or weird for her. I've had plenty of women who have agreed and went on dates with me using the same approach so it seems some women just aren't as comfortable as others.

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If you think you already have the answers OP and know how to cut flaking down already, then why do you keep asking us for advice?

 

Even though you insist that phone is not necessary, you still would have better luck if you set up your dates "while the iron is hot"...i.e., *during* one of your chat conversations.

Edited by Imajerk17
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If you think you already have the answers OP and know how to cut flaking down already, then why do you keep asking us for advice?

 

Even though you insist that phone is not necessary, you still would have better luck if you set up your dates "while the iron is hot"...i.e., *during* one of your chat conversations.

 

I'm asking to see possible explanations that I may not have thought of. To me flaking seems to come down to really 3 factors

 

1 : lack of interest/attraction

2: lack of comfort/trust

3: legitimate excuses

 

 

#1 and #3 you can't do anything about, people say you can keep trying to talk to the girl to make them more attracted/build comfort but in general that doesn't seem to work very well. They usually like you or they don't. Thoughi do know guys who bugged the **** out of a women and we're super persistent and they are now happily dating them..but it does seem like a lot more to work to try and convince someone to give you a shot than to just find someone who is just naturally attracted and into you

 

Basically I don't think flaking is because I asked them out via text or phone. That's only true for much older women or women who have this crazy idea in their head that "I will only go out with a guy if he calls" which is a type of girl I would avoid in all cases because she's already too picky/specific and unrealistic with her expectations. I've called women before and have achieved similar amount of flaking. Sometimes it definitley helps I agree, and I will try calling women to ask them out more often to see but when I've done it in the past I haven't noticed a huge difference.

Edited by Grey40
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So this happened to me a few times in the past and can't figure out why.

 

Met a woman on OLD, conversation was great, we hit it off and we agree we should go out and meet each other. She gives me her number. I wait maybe a day and then ask her out. She says yeah defInitley that sounds fun. I then say ok how about we meet at xxx at 730? And then no response. It's like as soon as the plan becomes something concrete sometimes they won't commit.

 

I've never had a problem getting dates through strictly texting

 

These contradict each other.

 

If you had called you would have been able to tell by her tone of voice whether she was interested to any degree plus you would have either got or sensed an answer over a call faster than 7 hours.

 

Do what you always did and you'll get what you always got so either change it up as Imajerk suggests or continue texting and not getting a response.

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These contradict each other.

 

If you had called you would have been able to tell by her tone of voice whether she was interested to any degree plus you would have either got or sensed an answer over a call faster than 7 hours.

 

Do what you always did and you'll get what you always got so either change it up as Imajerk suggests or continue texting and not getting a response.

 

That's a good point, it's definitley quicker. What if she doesn't answer the phone call? the other problem with calling is you never know if you're calling them at a bad time and interrupting something they're doing, where a text they can answer back when they're able

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You can leave her a message to call you back on voicemail.

 

You need to remember too that these are people, not inanimate objects which do what you want them to when you want them to.

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starrynight4321

I completely disagree with all these posts. You did nothing wrong, not really.

 

She's not flaky because you asked her out for a Friday night. She's not flaky because you didn't call her before asking her out. Could you have chatted her up a little bit more? Yes. I think that's part of the problem - she at least wants to know something about you before agreeing to go out. I know personally, I like to cut through the BS chit chat and just meet the person. No amount of texting can measure up to even 15 minutes spent in person, so to me it's just filler. Still, I like even just an hour of overall texting before I agree to a date with someone I know absolutely nothing about. Some women prefer texting for a few days or even a week. You have no control over what the woman wants and no way to really gage what she wants.

 

You could text for a week and annoy a woman who wants to meet quicker, or you could ask immediately and annoy a woman who wanted more conversation. You do what feels right for you, and the right woman for you will be on the same page with it. Trust me.

 

I personally don't care if a guy calls or just texts before the first meeting - it is NOT going to make a difference. Whether there is a 2nd date is 100% determined by the 1st date, not whether you called or texted before we even met.

 

That's the first part of it. Here's the second part of the problem: online dating. It's like a game. People are VERY flaky regardless of what you do. One minute they're texting, the next they're gone. One minute they like you, the next second they've matched with another potential and decide to bail on you. With online dating, I'd say that 85% of the time it's not you, it's OLD.

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ChatroomHero

Seems low interest to me. You suggested a place, had a very short text conversation between suggesting the place and asking to seal the deal. She answered up until you asked to seal the deal, so her non-response was an intentional non-commitment from what I see.

 

 

She had plenty of time to answer. Dropping mid text conversation, especially with one like that, without even saying, "Hey, gotta go, we can text later" is pretty much the same as if you were at a party and had the same conversation, and asked, "Hey, wanna meet up there Friday at 7:30?" and she just looked at you and walked away without saying another word and started talking to other people.

 

 

She received the message and knew you were looking for a definite answer and literally had thousands of opportunities over the next few hours to send a 3 second reply and chose not to. I would take it at face value. You asked to seal the deal and she ignored it.

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Is it even fair to categorize this as someone who is flaky? All she did was moderately agree and has yet to confirm. I don't even really count someone as being flaky until we have had a first meeting.

 

Sometimes you talk to someone and you all agree to go out, but plans aren't set. Sometimes those people fade out. I have done it and have had it done to me. It is OLD and you just shrug and move on. Can't take it so personal when you haven't met yet.

 

Maybe something came up for Friday with her family. Maybe she got sidetracked with work and forgot to respond. Maybe someone else she was already talking to also asked her out. A million things may have happened and you may not hear from her again. You haven't met or even spoken on the phone. At this point you are just words on a screen. It is easy to disengage and forget about words on a screen. Words on a screen are not personal and should not be taken that way.

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I keep suggesting this to you fellas who have this flaking problem, but unfortunately to deaf ears: Text -> Phone Call -> Date.

 

Anyway OP, you are asking a girl who knows nothing about you to invest her Friday evening to meet you, completely cold. No wonder why they keep flaking. If nothing else, at least warm things up a bit w some conversation (text if you insist on not calling her), before you try setting up the date.

Ignore that underlined part. I know it's hard, but ignore that. The rest is SOLID advice.

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CautiouslyOptimistic

So did you hear from her today? I was going to say maybe her phone crashed?

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If you keep on doing the same thing and it's not working than change your MO.

 

I think your first approach is wrong. A first meeting is not a date, it's just a meeting so keep it short and sweet. No more meeting for drinks, dinner, or wine tasting. Invite them to meet over a coffee, ice cream or a simple walk in the park. These women don't know you and I understand they don't want to invest their entire Friday evening in a stranger they will probably never see again.

 

Second: Call them up to arrange a first meeting. Do it for yourself. Do it so from now on NO one will leave you hanging like this one does. How many times they did that to you? aren't you tired? So CALL them to set up a first meeting, close it, book it, right there on the spot.

 

Here is what men did with me when I was dating. They text me: Hello Gaeta are you busy? I'd say no not really and they would ring me there and then.

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salparadise
She received the message and knew you were looking for a definite answer and literally had thousands of opportunities over the next few hours to send a 3 second reply and chose not to. I would take it at face value. You asked to seal the deal and she ignored it.

 

I wouldn't jump to that conclusion so fast. She had already agreed to the Friday date, had she not? Maybe she didn't think it necessary to agree again after he specified the time.

 

Let's see what OP says happened when he posts again.

 

One thing I learned from Eckhart Tolle... try not to assume much, but if you must, assume the best, not the worst.

 

 

 

Me: hey how's your day going? Having a good Monday?

Her: yeah just got back from the gym how was yours?

Me oh nice yeah mine is goimg great about to teach some guitar lessons: are you around Friday night? Wanna grab some drinks in xxx? Figured that'd be a fun spot since we both like that area.

Her: oh great yes that sounds like fun for Friday

Me: have you ever been to xxx?

Her: yeah I love it there

Me: ok cool, how about we meet at xxx at 730 on Friday then?

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ChatroomHero
I wouldn't jump to that conclusion so fast. She had already agreed to the Friday date, had she not? Maybe she didn't think it necessary to agree again after he specified the time.

 

 

By giving the ol', "Sounds great" without answering about a specific time leaves the excuse line open. It's a pretty specific set of questions that there is one thing I have found to be true pretty much always...if you ask a girl out for Friday at 7:30, anything other than yes, I am free at 7:30 on Friday and look forward to seeing you...equals a "No".

 

 

I would bet you have never been ambiguous or vague to someone you really were interested in, asking you out. In fact, if someone you were into asked you out for Friday, I'd bet your first response would be, "Yes, what time?".

 

 

If you were on the fence your answer would be something like, "That sounds fun"..."Sounds cool"..."I like that place"...because non specific responses are like saying yes without actually saying yes and open the door for any set excuse in the future. If she commits with an answer, she can't easily give excuses like she had to work late, a friend was coming to town, last minute trip out of town...to me I see her non-commit responses as a distinct sign of low interest and polite rejection without having to reject.

 

 

"oh, yes, that sounds great" <> "Yes, I will meet you on Friday". Especially because he asked for a time and then radio silence.

 

 

I too would like to hear the result. My guess is he got a sketchy excuse that is only plausible based on her non-committal responses. In other words, it wouldn't fly if she had responded and agreed to a 7:30pm date request.

 

 

Hopefully for OP I am wrong, but I am bored and would love to see an update.

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