How to take it from texting to meeting in OLD?

[misswillow]

I just recently started OLD after a breakup. I've done it in the past, but it was several years ago and I think texting is more of a thing now than it was back then. There is this one guy that seems to be interested, but he seems to want to have these texting conversations, and has not asked to meet me. Personally, I don't really like to waste time on a lot of texting because I don't think there is any way to know if you like someone unless you meet in person. And more than a few texts back and forth texting just annoys me. Why can't we at least talk on the phone?

 

Is there any way to discourage this without coming right out and telling him that I'd rather meet in person than to spend time texting a lot? As a woman, I never like to be the one to suggest meeting for the first time (I guess I'm old fashioned that way). We're not young (40s) so I'm surprised that he is so into texting.

 

Oh, I also had another guy get annoyed at me because he was texting me every day and I never texted him first. We had never even met yet so I could not understand why we had to text every day? He canceled our first date because of this.

 

Thanks for any advice. It is really hard to get back into dating!!

[salparadise]

Is there any way to discourage this without coming right out and telling him that I'd rather meet in person than to spend time texting a lot? As a woman, I never like to be the one to suggest meeting for the first time (I guess I'm old fashioned that way). We're not young (40s) so I'm surprised that he is so into texting.

 

Oh, I also had another guy get annoyed at me because he was texting me every day and I never texted him first. We had never even met yet so I could not understand why we had to text every day? He canceled our first date because of this.

 

 

Sure. Quit responding and wait for that knight in shining armor to ride in and sweep you off your feet. In the meantime, spend your Saturday nights feigning demure and watching more Disney movies.

 

Why are otherwise competent, independent women are so reticent to suggest a meeting or text first. What exactly do you gain by being that way? It's the 21st century––how many more do you intend to wait before actuating a fifty-fifty, fully reciprocal mentality? The days of dropping the hankie and batting your eyelashes are past. Don't be archaic!

[Gr8fuln2020]

I have to agree with salparadise to a degree. Come right out and suggest a date or let him know right out that you are not looking for a texting buddy.

 

If I were a woman I would be suspicious of such behavior. Especially AFTER you've suggested that you talk or meet. My thoughts would go from he's either married or taken and trying to be more discreet or knows that he is not what he has advertised to be.

[grays]

Im a woman in my 40's and I often suggest meeting before the guy brings it up. I love texting but I dont have enough patience to text endlessly with someone I dont know.

[misswillow]

OK, I'll suggest it myself. I know I've read too many books years ago about how the man needs to pursue. And I guess I'm also hesitant because it seems like, in the past, when I'm the one to try to move things forward, I end up getting rejected. But I suppose that would have ended up happening anyway. Thanks for the advice!

[Whodatdog]

I would tell him too. Im all about texting, but only when I know the other person well. I wont waste my time with someone who wont talk on the phone or meet in person.

[Kamille]

Oh beware the texting relationships!

 

When guys ask for my number, I tell them I'm not a big texter and prefer to meet in person. That way, if all they're looking for is a text-buddy, they'll know why I stop responding to them. I recommend this strategy in the future.

 

If all they do is text, I disengage by slowing the pace of replies. I honestly don't like spending entire days texting with a stranger so this is really easy for me. One quick chat in the evening and then I tell them I have plans (even if the plan is doing the laundry) and wish them a good night.

 

Now that you are in a texting-buddy relationship with one guy, you could either try strategy two (slow the pace of replies) and hope it prompts him to ask you out or, better yet, tell him you're enjoying the conversation and would love to meet him in person. Then, let him set up the date.

[salparadise]

OK, I'll suggest it myself. I know I've read too many books years ago about how the man needs to pursue. And I guess I'm also hesitant because it seems like, in the past, when I'm the one to try to move things forward, I end up getting rejected. But I suppose that would have ended up happening anyway. Thanks for the advice!

 

 

Yea, we realize this "man needs to pursue" attitude is still circulating, and there are a lot of women on LS that still believe it too... but I'm telling ya, from a progressive man's perspective, it's outdated nonsense.

 

The implication is that the man must have already decided that you're his dream woman, and he's supposed to make a big display of trying to convince you that he's worthy of consideration and all of that. And a woman is supposed to pretend to be indifferent while he goes through those gyrations. Ugh, it's so archaic and tiresome. It has undertones of the awful gender stereotypes, helplessness, ownership, dependency, etc. It's hard for me to understand why any woman would want to promote such an outmoded paradigm.

 

Nobody likes rejection, and I can see how women might prefer an illusion of being pre-selected, but you really can't avoid risk. In the modern world we pair up based on mutual acceptance, not pre-arrangement. Again, this is a make-believe, fairy-tale paradigm that doesn't actually exist. Why would women want to give up the ability to be fifty percent of the equation?

 

I've been doing the online dating thing for several years since my divorce, and I can tell you for certain... many women choose to actively engage rather than be totally passive. I've had two significant relationships after divorce, and both of those women were proactive/reciprocal in terms of indicating interest, initiating communication, and overall in terms of how they participated in the relationship. I want to be with a woman who competent, engaged and not the least bit reticent about being an equally active participant. I can't imagine it being any other way.

 

When I end up on a first date with a woman who assumes a passive demeanor, my interest sinks. I had one of those last night. I don't know if I'll ever find anyone as balanced in this regard as my previous girlfriend. I sure do miss that.

[smackie9]

Guys are are only going by their experience...most people in general do not like phone calls. texting is also a great tool for the ones who lack confidence. If you get a texter, and not a guy that is bold enough to ask you out after a few messages, stop wasting your time on those ones.

[Maggie4]

Do continue to meet up with other men. This guy is passive. While other men are meeting you, he is only getting a text. Unless of course he's seeing someone and that's why he can only text you for now.

Personally I would not suggest a meeting with this guy because I don't like texting, so there's incompatibility. I am not a texter; my personality is different. It will cause problems down the road.

If you don't want to text, then don't. The back and forth texting did not happen without your participation. Don't encourage behavior that you don't want.

[caitlinf33]

Hi,

 

In a similar situation. I am just back on the dating scene after a long-term relationship. I would suggest a meet-up and see what happens. I have found that most guys will suggest one if interested. Maybe he's just trying to feel you out, maybe he is just not interested in meeting ITL.

 

I was talking to a guy a few weeks ago who ghosted me when I took the initiative and suggested we meet up. It happens. I didn't take it personally. Even thiugh we had established a steady rapport of back and forths and seemed to hit it off.

 

I now even wrote in my profile that I am not interested in being a texting buddy.

 

Let us know what happens and good luck!

[coolheadal]

I just recently started OLD after a breakup. I've done it in the past, but it was several years ago and I think texting is more of a thing now than it was back then. There is this one guy that seems to be interested, but he seems to want to have these texting conversations, and has not asked to meet me. Personally, I don't really like to waste time on a lot of texting because I don't think there is any way to know if you like someone unless you meet in person. And more than a few texts back and forth texting just annoys me. Why can't we at least talk on the phone?

 

Is there any way to discourage this without coming right out and telling him that I'd rather meet in person than to spend time texting a lot? As a woman, I never like to be the one to suggest meeting for the first time (I guess I'm old fashioned that way). We're not young (40s) so I'm surprised that he is so into texting.

 

Oh, I also had another guy get annoyed at me because he was texting me every day and I never texted him first. We had never even met yet so I could not understand why we had to text every day? He canceled our first date because of this.

 

Thanks for any advice. It is really hard to get back into dating!!

 

I agree with you 100% I do not want to be your Text Buddy, I want to talk on the cell. The fake ones will not talk on the cell they'll say something is wrong with the cell phone most of them are on "Bandwidth.com CLE service which gives out free SMS text. When you call their number it never goes rings to them it goes into some sort of VM for SMS message.

Never talk to these people on hangouts, Whatsapp an etc. They should be able to call your cell phone. I had one told me yesterday she was going to call me on a payphone. I know that all the payphones are pretty much gone in US since everything is either Cell or Sat phones.

 

Again as for texting that too easy to meet-up with a person they just want to text you only that's your relationship with them to be their 'TEXT BUDDY When I say something about it they get upset.