Communication issues

[Cassie1991]

I wasn't sure where to put this question

My boyfriend and I have been together 5 months and we've recently run into some issues and I guess my first question is is that normal?

 

Yesterday I kind of blew up on him because I feel like we rarely have date nights together that don't involve his friends and I had been keeping it in that it bugged me. How do I communicate that I want more alone time with him without seeming bitchy or controlling?

[mikeylo]

You blew up. Good. It was probably long over due. If he himself doesnt realize it, then he is not worth even going out with, leave alone dating or having a relationship with.

 

Next time he makes a date, you make an excuse and not go.Let him go out with friends and date them

 

A couple needs emotional intimacy.And that comes by spending time , just the two of you.Remember, 3 is a crowd !

[mightycpa]

Your #1 communication problem is that you're afraid to talk to him about what's on your mind. Everything else is a symptom of that.

 

That's why you held it in.

That's why you blew up at him.

That's why you're afraid of seeming bitchy or controlling.

That's why you're here.

Fear.

 

You have to first decide if that's because of you, or if that's because of him. Long story short, if you don't feel comfortable saying what's on your mind, or you don't feel like it will be received in good faith, then your relationship with him will always struggle. What's more, you have to get as good as you give. If what you have to say is received in good faith, and then reflected back to you the same way, but you don't like what you hear, you have to be willing to accept it. I've learned that you can't do that with everybody.

 

It seems to me that you're at the point where you want to be able to start doing that with him, but you're not sure that he is. There's only one way to find out, and that is to be courageous. Remember, you just might be disappointed by how it goes, but better to know now than later.

Edited May 26, 2017 by mightycpa

[Gaeta]

Cassie: How old are you 2 ?

 

When a guy is more interested in spending time with his buddies than spending quality time with his girlfriend it's because he's not mature enough to be in a relationship.

 

Asking your boyfriend to spend more time alone with you won't change the fact he'd rather be with his buddies.

 

Maybe it's time to find a better boyfriend. One that wants the same things as you.

[Cassie1991]

I'm 26 and he's 30. I don't think it's that he doesn't want to spend time with me it's that he wants to spend time with his friends too so they're around most of the time and so am I. But, we don't live together and I work nights so on the nights I work I don't see him and he's usually with his friends. I told him I just want that same thing, alone time. Not all the time, just some nights. And the way I went about it was wrong because I'd been holding it in and not telling him how I felt about it

[mikeylo]

Questions: Does he sit next to you when with them, do you guys gaze into each other's eyes when with them, does he kiss and hold your hands, does he pretend to a stray hair out of your eyes when with the crowd , does he talk sexy time when with them? Nope , right?

 

It's likely that he wants to show the people that he has a gf without actually being a bf. Maybe they don't believe that he has one or even capable of having one.

 

Either way, I don't think you should say anything more. You told him, irrespective of the way you did. There isn't anything you can do except find a guy who wants to spend with you only and build a real relationship, not something superfluous. Because he doesn't.

[mikeylo]

I'm 26 and he's 30. I don't think it's that he doesn't want to spend time with me it's that he wants to spend time with his friends too so they're around most of the time and so am I. But, we don't live together and I work nights so on the nights I work I don't see him and he's usually with his friends. I told him I just want that same thing, alone time. Not all the time, just some nights. And the way I went about it was wrong because I'd been holding it in and not telling him how I felt about it

 

You are making excuses for him. Why are you feeling bad? He should have realized it anyway. The first few months are supposed to be the best months.Just saying.

[Gaeta]

How long was his longest relationship?

 

At 30 he should have overgrown his phase of wanting his buddies around all the time. He doesn't sound very mature.

[mikeylo]

Without wanting to roast the guy, I'm sure there are female 'friends' as well. Otherwise in the first phase , romance is usually so high that the friends know that the guy has a gf and that's why they don't see him anymore and when it settles down a bit, he will begin to show up. Or the friends themselves should be decent enough to decline. But again, why would they , when he is the one doing it. And that itself sends a message to the friends that his gf is of no value.

 

He isn't that into you,sorry. Guys ditch their friends to be with their love, right or wrong but that's how it is when it's head over heels. He isn't.

[stillafool]

What's wrong with saying "Honey I want to be alone with you today without your friends, is that okay?"

[Cassie1991]

What's wrong with saying "Honey I want to be alone with you today without your friends, is that okay?"

 

Because then I just feel like a whiney girlfriend that it seems most guys complain about

[mightycpa]

What's wrong with saying "Honey I want to be alone with you today without your friends, is that okay?"

Because today might be the day that they're going to go do something they've been dying to do for a long time or ..... it's kinda short notice, and while there's nothing wrong with that, it leaves open the possibility that he's more than willing to do it, but just not TODAY. Murphy's Law and all that.

 

What I guess I mean is that maybe OP might try to make other plans ahead of time, rather than merely agreeing to join her BF as part of a group.

[mikeylo]

What I guess I mean is that maybe OP might try to make other plans ahead of time, rather than merely agreeing to join her BF as part of a group.

 

Or better still, find a guy who has his priorities right ,is mature and into OP and wants same things as her without having to hold his hand for every little thing and then be called insecure, jealous , whiney etc etc

[Kamille]

Because then I just feel like a whiney girlfriend that it seems most guys complain about

 

 

 

The problem with trying to be the perfect girlfriend: you're not building a relationship.

 

I've done assertiveness training while in therapy. One of the most striking thing I learned: it's unfair to others when you don't ask for what you want. How can they care for you and build a relationship with you if they don't know what you need?

 

You've accused him of a crime he didn't do. (Unless he has called you whiney in the past when you stated your needs). He had no idea you wanted more time alone. We don't know what would have happened if you had approached him with trust and faith that he would gladly do this just because it's what you want. I have a hard time imagining anyone complaining about spending some alone time with their SO.

 

You've blown up so he knows something is wrong. I would approach him, apologize for the blow up and then reiterate that you would still love it if you two could figure out more ways to hang out together. I hope he hears you with an open mind.

[stillafool]

Because then I just feel like a whiney girlfriend that it seems most guys complain about

 

No, what is whiny is sulking about something when you can just ask for what you want.

[mightycpa]

Or better still, find a guy who has his priorities right ,is mature and into OP and wants same things as her without having to hold his hand for every little thing and then be called insecure, jealous , whiney etc etc

that bolded part is funny... you're a female of the species, correct?

 

It's awfully hard to find the right guy if the girl won't speak up until she blows up. She's probably been giving him signals that she's been having a great time. Also, I don't think anybody has actually called her anything. Those are merely her insecurities that are speaking.

 

Honestly, if I was the BF, the "out of nowhere" eruption would tell me that her priorities are out of whack. I'll immediately put her on double-secret probation.

[Cassie1991]

No, what is whiny is sulking about something when you can just ask for what you want.

 

This is also true.

[Gaeta]

How long was his longest relationship?

 

Can you answer this please.

[Cassie1991]

that bolded part is funny... you're a female of the species, correct?

 

It's awfully hard to find the right guy if the girl won't speak up until she blows up. She's probably been giving him signals that she's been having a great time. Also, I don't think anybody has actually called her anything. Those are merely her insecurities that are speaking.

 

Honestly, if I was the BF, the "out of nowhere" eruption would tell me that her priorities are out of whack. I'll immediately put her on double-secret probation.

 

Not arguing with you here. I haven't spoken up and that's my problem. I understand fully that he had no clue I was feeling this way. The way he acts when I get upset is where I feel like I should just shut up and deal. The first time was about his drinking. He got pissed at me and said I was overreacting. And it's. it like I blow up and yell per say I just get frustrating and start crying and let everything out.

[Cassie1991]

Can you answer this please.

 

Sorry I didn't even see. He's told me his longest was 4 years.

[Gaeta]

Not arguing with you here. I haven't spoken up and that's my problem. I understand fully that he had no clue I was feeling this way. The way he acts when I get upset is where I feel like I should just shut up and deal. The first time was about his drinking. He got pissed at me and said I was overreacting. And it's. it like I blow up and yell per say I just get frustrating and start crying and let everything out.

 

It sounds as if you keep everything bottled up inside till you can't hold it in anymore and it ends with an explosion. That is the one thing you need to work on. When something starts bothering you just mention it, no need to have a heavy conversation about it, no need to make it sound like it's an important matter, just mention what bothers you.

 

Then.....

 

Your boyfriend has a drinking problem?

 

Is it possible he wants to be with those friends to drink?

 

How often does he drink in a week?

 

Lastly Cassie. No it's not normal to be blowing up at each other after 5 months dating. If you do so it's because you are not compatible OR one of you is having some serious issues. In this case here I suspect your bf has temper issues, drinking issues and maturity issues.

[mightycpa]

Not arguing with you here. I haven't spoken up and that's my problem. I understand fully that he had no clue I was feeling this way. The way he acts when I get upset is where I feel like I should just shut up and deal. The first time was about his drinking. He got pissed at me and said I was overreacting. And it's. it like I blow up and yell per say I just get frustrating and start crying and let everything out.

Deal? Yes. Shut up and deal? No. I don't know how or when you approach it when you feel compelled to speak. There's a time and a place and a way that yields more success than do others. Then, you have to figure out if he doesn't want to hear it at all, or whether he doesn't appreciate the when/where/way you said it. All part of the "are we right for each other" question.

 

The answer is not always yes, as much as you'd like it to be. It's easy to get along when everything seems fine. The hard part is learning how to speak up to each other without fear of drama. Can't always happen.

[Cassie1991]

Deal? Yes. Shut up and deal? No. I don't know how or when you approach it when you feel compelled to speak. There's a time and a place and a way that yields more success than do others. Then, you have to figure out if he doesn't want to hear it at all, or whether he doesn't appreciate the when/where/way you said it. All part of the "are we right for each other" question.

 

The answer is not always yes, as much as you'd like it to be. It's easy to get along when everything seems fine. The hard part is learning how to speak up to each other without fear of drama. Can't always happen.

 

Yes I acknowledge that, something happened yesterday and I just let it all out at once and he had no clue. I need to get better at communicating which is why I'm here, for advice on how to do so because I'm not very good at it. I'm stuck at one end because I never want to upset him no matter the situation and on the other hand I want to tell him what's bugging me.

[mightycpa]

Yes I acknowledge that, something happened yesterday and I just let it all out at once and he had no clue. I need to get better at communicating which is why I'm here, for advice on how to do so because I'm not very good at it. I'm stuck at one end because I never want to upset him no matter the situation and on the other hand I want to tell him what's bugging me.

Oh. Well, calmly, privately, matter-of-factly, and also include the part that tells him what you would like. Ask him what he thinks and remain non-judgmental, even if it hurts. If you don't like what you hear, tell him you'd like a little time to consider what he's said and can we please talk about it again.

 

Stay away from the phrase "make me happy", because that's not his job. It's your job to keep yourself happy. It's his job to be himself, and your job to evaluate.

 

Communicate openly, I guess is the best way to say it. In good faith. There's not many people who can do this, so a fair percentage will recoil from this, with yelling and screaming on one end (ahem) to the silent treatment on the other. There are others who will recognize this kind of communication and value it. Just pay attention to the responses. It will tell you a lot about the person and what you can expect from them later.

[Cassie1991]

Oh. Well, calmly, privately, matter-of-factly, and also include the part that tells him what you would like. Ask him what he thinks and remain non-judgmental, even if it hurts. If you don't like what you hear, tell him you'd like a little time to consider what he's said and can we please talk about it again.

 

Stay away from the phrase "make me happy", because that's not his job. It's your job to keep yourself happy. It's his job to be himself, and your job to evaluate.

 

Communicate openly, I guess is the best way to say it. In good faith. There's not many people who can do this, so a fair percentage will recoil from this, with yelling and screaming on one end (ahem) to the silent treatment on the other. There are others who will recognize this kind of communication and value it. Just pay attention to the responses. It will tell you a lot about the person and what you can expect from them later.

 

Thank you for your response! That's really helpful. It's not easy but I'm going to do my best to communicate more clearly if I want this relationship to last