great person, seemingly not great relationship...?

[broccoli]

I'm looking for some advice about what to do, and whether I might have done something hurtful or extreme in a relatively new (4mo or so) relationship...

 

I'm dating a very beautiful, warm, and intelligent woman who is somewhat younger and less experienced than I am. We care for each other a lot, have incredible physical chemistry, and want the same things in the long term (stability, children, and so on). But since the beginning of the relationship (which has involved some long distance) I've felt a bit like I had to drag her along with me emotionally. Texting was a big problem: I'd respond instantly to her texts but then wait for hours for her next reply. Or, for example, I'd send her heartfelt emails or things I'd written creatively and get no response until I asked about them. I told her last month that I'd started telling people she was my girlfriend, just because it seemed like the easiest way to explain what was going on between us, and she reacted by shutting down and not saying anything.

 

It's hurtful to me. I'm a sensitive person - maybe oversensitive. I usually respond to this by pulling back, saying I need some space or time and so on. Whenever I withdraw, she ends up coming back to me on her own. But I don't really like the dynamic. I don't like needing to do that and it feels a little manipulative, even though I'm really doing it out of emotional self-preservation. I miss her when I've pulled back but I also don't feel I can just keep sticking around happily and wait and see whether it happens to strike her fancy to be emotionally there on any given day. It's too much vulnerability for me and I feel powerless.

 

An added stress is that we have a lot of disagreements about current issues - not exactly political disagreements, but something close to that. I've tried to express to her that I don't mind that we disagree, and that I think some disagreement might make us better partners in the event that we try to have something real together, but that I feel focusing on it rather than on the things we share can be harmful to the relationship. She says she knows that the extent of our arguments can upset me sometimes, but she is going to keep pursuing them because she wants to find, like, "a place we can both be together" on those issues. I don't really know what that means.

 

We were on a break for a week until a few days ago when she texted me saying she missed me and had written down a lot of her thoughts and wanted to send them to me. Of course I melted instantly and told her to email them to me. She had written some very sweet things indeed, things that were deeply touching, but most of what she wrote concerned a topic we'd argued about recently. So I was very happy at first but then felt hurt all over again that she couldn't even think just about us and our relationship in a letter like that. I ended up writing her a response telling her how all these sorts of things have been hurting my feelings and how I don't feel we've been putting in similar levels of effort, and she ended up Skyping me crying and asking why I'm with her and saying my response felt like a rejection and so on.

 

Now I feel horribly guilty and I'm wondering if I went overboard and whether I've been fair in the things I've asked for from her. She really was a thoroughly promising match for me at the beginning and I've already introduced her to a ton of people in my life (I haven't met too many people from hers though). I have a history of dating some very questionable women, but I'm not sure which way that "cuts" in this case. It could be that I've missed some red flags with her. Then again it could be that I'm reacting based on pain I've felt in the past that isn't really appropriate here.

 

So: Are these minor issues and I should calm down and try to make amends, or are these a big deal and I should stand my ground? I really do feel like my "bids" are consistently being ignored or rejected, where I've made an incredibly concerted effort, like never before in my life, to take her up on more or less every single bid she's made. What should I do?

[PegNosePete]

(which has involved some long distance)

Can you elaborate on this? How much distance? How many real life interactions / dates have you had?

 

Why were you "on a break" for a week a few days ago?

[broccoli]

Can you elaborate on this? How much distance? How many real life interactions / dates have you had?

 

Why were you "on a break" for a week a few days ago?

 

We have had a lot of real-life interaction. When I come to her town (just to see her) we spend a lot of time together. We spent an entire week together at one point and have been on dozens and dozens of dates.

 

We were on a break because we are both considering moving temporarily for our careers. I felt she was taking it for granted that I would try to follow her for hers, but there was no discussion of her doing the same for me. I needed some time to think about what I wanted to do just for myself and not for the relationship.

[Chilli]

l hope the best for you guys but to me it sounds like she has doubts and concerns on her mind and maybe doesn't know what she wants to do with the relationship.

the fact to that most of the letter was about the other topic seems disagreements or some convos are big on her mind too.

 

not sure if that holding her back or feelings but maybe for your own protection you gotta try and find out just exactly how she's really feeling. But be gentle about it l don't think she'd go well with any pressure right now.

Good luck

Edited May 16, 2017 by Chilli

[basil67]

I have to echo her thoughts wondering why you're with her. If I was dating a man who wasn't meeting my needs in a similar way, I'd dump him. End of story.

[Ami1uwant]

Need yo know your ages and what this argument was about.

 

I agree that I would be concerned if it felt like I was the only one putting g in the effort if I was the one who had to initiate the plans for dates, communication, snd had to travel to her.

[broccoli]

Need yo know your ages and what this argument was about.

 

I agree that I would be concerned if it felt like I was the only one putting g in the effort if I was the one who had to initiate the plans for dates, communication, snd had to travel to her.

 

She's around twenty-five and I'm around thirty.

[broccoli]

UPDATE: We hung out a lot the past week. Some very sweet moments but she's also insisted on having several arguments.

[Mkn1010]

I get the feeling that this is wearing you down. No relationship should ever make you feel worse about yourself or insecure about the efforts you've made that aren't exactly being reciprocated. It might be her relationship inexperience or the fact that your attachment styles are not compatible.

 

 

But I get a feeling that she lacks the same capacity as you to be vulnerable and come and meet you half way to resolve issues. These things are crucial with long distance dynamics where communication breakdowns will occur more frequently.

 

 

Find somebody who helps you rebuild the bridge and can put the relationship ABOVE their own insecurities etc.

 

 

And ask yourself, can you keep doing this for years to come if nothing changes based on the reality as it is right now (not her potential)????

[preraph]

She's as good as said she wants to change your views on things. Now it's normal to want to change someone's views, but it's rarely possible. In time, one side or the other may start to soften on views but it's not something you can do by just cramming it down their throat.

 

Why she bristled at you calling her your girlfriend is odd and the most worrisome thing. Guessing she isn't that sure about that yet.

[broccoli]

Been a month or so since I posted this. Some improvement but not a huge amount. She's going on a trip for the next few months and I told her she needs to decide what she wants out of the relationship. She showed up late to a lot of things recently and still has started a lot of arguments. The other night I asked her to split a dinner check and she said I had eaten a lot more than she did - this is after I paid for lunch for the both of us. I really saw a ton of promise when I met this girl but maybe she just doesn't like me that much, or isn't ready for a genuine relationship.