TaylorW Posted May 14, 2017 Share Posted May 14, 2017 (edited) Hey guys, I'm new here. Lately I've been reading a bit about why I seem to always attract the same type of girls. I used to be a huge avoidant type of person before I was with my ex. Literally it happened a few times that a girl had a crush on me and I was kinda interested but really couldn't do it because my whole body was screaming: "Run! This is too much!" Then it happened 2 times that I ended up in a relationship with someone who was anxious attached. Like in the beginning I rejected them a few times because well I wasn't that interested and didn't really like some of their behaviour. They kept giving me huge signals and initiating. Saying they are oke with just having sex. But yeah 2 of those times it ended in a relationship, because I started to really care about them and wanted to give it a shot. I learned a lot and I have been able to diminish the need to be avoidant. Actually friends and my ex tell me I made huge progresses in that regard and wouldn't even categorise me as avoidant anymore. I'm way more in touch with my needs and needs of other, I learned to talk about problems instead of running, not reacting so impulsively anymore... I'm back being single now after a long term relationship. This situation feels new and I'm still dealing with some issues regarding this. I seem to attract the clingy type or the 'I just broke up with my ex and I'm looking for validation" type and I want to actively do something to change this. I really want to go for the girls I want even if it means I could get rejected. But it's easier said than done. Like I said I used to be really avoidant and emotionally closed (and probably still give that vibe to people who don't know me well) so I never really learned to go for the girls I wanted and it feels really uncomfortable to be the person who is "chasing". Don't get me wrong I'm really comfortable with girls, I have a lot of female friends (that I'm not interested in romantically), so that is not the problem. But when meeting new girls I feel like I'm still somehow distant if I feel that I could be interested in them. I'm just looking for some insight and tips. I want to continue growing like I did until now and sometimes that means asking for help and new insights. Btw I'm in university right now. Sorry for my English. Edited May 14, 2017 by TaylorW Link to post Share on other sites
Knix Posted May 15, 2017 Share Posted May 15, 2017 I've actually done a lot of reading and research on this myself, as I have been the anxious love addict. (Sorry, your post attracted me ) Anyways love avoidants usually outwardly avoid intimacy but secretly crave it, and when they are rejected or end the relationship with the addict, get very upset and are secretly emotionally attached. They fear what they crave. The opposite goes for the love addict, they outwardly fear being alone but inwardly are not able to be truly intimate. If you really want to attract people that don't have intimacy issues, you have to deal with your own intimacy issues. You have to be ready to be honest with yourself and what your own issues are, it's not everyone else. Read the book "Facing Love Addiction" by Pia Melody. It will answer a lot of your questions and help you get what you are desiring Good luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TaylorW Posted May 16, 2017 Author Share Posted May 16, 2017 I've actually done a lot of reading and research on this myself, as I have been the anxious love addict. (Sorry, your post attracted me ) Anyways love avoidants usually outwardly avoid intimacy but secretly crave it, and when they are rejected or end the relationship with the addict, get very upset and are secretly emotionally attached. They fear what they crave. The opposite goes for the love addict, they outwardly fear being alone but inwardly are not able to be truly intimate. If you really want to attract people that don't have intimacy issues, you have to deal with your own intimacy issues. You have to be ready to be honest with yourself and what your own issues are, it's not everyone else. Read the book "Facing Love Addiction" by Pia Melody. It will answer a lot of your questions and help you get what you are desiring Good luck! Thank you for your answer! I certainly recognise aspects of what you are saying and I'm going to read the book (I don't have time next 2 weeks due to school work but will do it after that) I have a question regarding "love addicts" and I think you could maybe answer it. Is it something typically for love addicts to not be able to like connect on some deeper level, I mean to me it feels like they sometimes just feel/do something because they are expected to feel that way. Like they don't really know what they really feel if you ask them. I'm just asking this because I don't know if this is typical for love addict or it's just what I'm concluding based on 1 or 2 people. Link to post Share on other sites
Knix Posted May 16, 2017 Share Posted May 16, 2017 It's very typical. A love addict craves a relationship and to feel like they are loved and desired, but don't really know exactly what intimacy is or fear/avoid it deep down. The reason why love addicts get into relationships with love avoidants is because they can get close but not too close. It is a constant toxic pattern of breaking up because of lack of intimacy/cheating/focusing on projects instead of the relationship, and then the avoidant begging for the addict back, which the addict secretly loves. Then there is a honeymoon phase and it happens all over again. PLEASE READ THE BOOK. I'm literally just quoting it. It will help you a ton, I got through the book in a week. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TaylorW Posted May 16, 2017 Author Share Posted May 16, 2017 Thank you this is so helpful, I'm definitely going to buy the book as soon as possible. Feels really awesome to get some answers on the other sides perspective, because a lot of what happened or is happening now is unanswered. Link to post Share on other sites
Knix Posted May 16, 2017 Share Posted May 16, 2017 No problem! Feel free to message me if you have other questions Link to post Share on other sites
Author TaylorW Posted May 16, 2017 Author Share Posted May 16, 2017 No problem! Feel free to message me if you have other questions Thanks! Started to watch some YouTube videos about the subject and I'm going to buy the book this week. I'm probably going to send you a PM to ask your opinion about kind of urgent situation I'm in right now, it's about attachment of my ex. (Don't worry I'm not going to spam you). I find it a bit hard to post this on the forum. Link to post Share on other sites
Knix Posted May 17, 2017 Share Posted May 17, 2017 no please by all means go ahead. I totally understand! Link to post Share on other sites
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