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Am I overthinking things or is this a legit issue?


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My boyfriend and I have been dating for 5 months. We've fallen in love rather quick. We hang out with each other's families alot, we say I love you at the end of every conversation, we've had sex, taken trips together and been together through every holiday but Halloween and plan on moving in together in August. We even have gotten a puppy together.

 

But I was the one to ask him to be my bf and I'm the one always complimenting him because I know he has low self esteem and I want him to know I find him attractive. He's only ever said I was pretty/beautiful twice, even though he's told me his ex was hot a few times. Recently he initated sex (he's my one and only) I rarely ever orgasm because he's always finishing right as he's getting me started. Still I told him it was good and he told me it was meh because of him. That really hurt even if he said it wasnt me, I know I'm not good yet because I'm inexperienced (we dont do it often, sometimes he rejects me when I ask) and he's had sex alot. I asked him what he liked and what he wants me to do and he told me to watch porn. After questioning him a bit I found out he's rather vanilla in bed, he doesnt like the whole "traditional" porn type things like bitting or talking dirty or loud screaming.

 

On top of this he has depression every now and again and I cant do anything to help him when he's feeling that way. Its happening more often now. I don't know what to do to please him and make sure he's happy in our relationship. I also am feeling a bit insecure because he doesn't tell me he's attracted to me (first time he said i was pretty when we just started dating, last time he said hi beautiful and I told him it was the first time he's said that and it made me happy. He said is it and never said it again) sometimes I jokingly say im too fat for something and he never responds in anyway.

 

I think he's a really good boyfriend, he treats me really well and makes me laugh, I can honestly say I'm in love with him. But I don't think I'm measuring up to all his exs (everything new and interesting I do with him he's done before and more and told me so). Im feeling very inadaquate and I am not sure If i'm just being too sensitive or if I should talk to him about my concerns.

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VeveCakes

Well if he values porn that much it gives you an idea of how he views women. Tell him stop watching porn and maybe watch a romantic comedy or two so he can learn how to treat you :laugh:

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I'm reading this and wondering what on earth you see in this guy. He's the one finishing before he gets you off, but he's telling YOU to watch porn. Ridiculous! He needs to stop watching porn because porn is strictly the woman performing for the man and gives the man NO idea what the woman needs and for how long to get her off. And he clearly thinks that's just okay.

 

He doesn't think you're all that attractive or he wouldn't be clamming up when you say "I'm fat," though truly it's not fair fishing for compliments. Who he is is just a lousy lay who thinks you should just service him and be happy about it, and for whatever reason, you've totally bought into that, so have fun.

 

He's not confident so you have to pump him up constantly. And now he's depressed, when he has no reason to be situationally depressed, so this may be a serious lifelong problem.

 

I'm hoping you're real young and just don't know any better and that you wake up before long, because this guy is no prize and he's just making you feel bad about yourself when it's him that has the problems: porn, sexual performance, no confidence, and mental illness.

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Aside from the sex and not complimenting me hecs really attentive, and gentlemanly. He won't let me go through does without him opening them and he rarely ever lets me pay for things. He goes out of his way to do things I want to do even when he's tired. Im not fishing for compliments so much as just trying to see if he'll give them on his own, especially if it seems like i need it. We are both young only 22 and Im not perfect so I don't expect him to be either. He has told mehe feels like abad boyfriend because he can't last long enough for me unless he's drunk. Im getting that this is an issue and I'm quivering if i should talk to him about it. We are going to live together a little while before getting married to see how we live together so if it doesn't work out we will both know before we take that step.

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He does treat me rather well besides lack of compliments and finishing first. He wont let me get too far in front of him when we go places because he knows I'll open the door and he wants to do that, he doesn't really let me pay for things and goes out of his way to do things with me when he's tired. But is he really that bad?

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MajesticUnicorn

I mean, the the things you are saying are good about him are the bare minimum of what a guy should do for you in a relationship. Just because he's attractive and acts like a gentleman apparently, doesn't make up for the negatives.

 

Do you really want to spend your life with someone who compliments his ex more than you, tells you to watch porn, and makes you feel self conscious?

 

Also, unfortunately it seems a lot of people think they can fix relationships by speeding things around - for you getting a puppy and moving in together, for some they think marriage will solve their problems or having children will. But that's not the case, it complicates it even more!

 

I'm sorry if this isn't what you want to hear, but from an outsider's perspective I really think you are settling for less than you deserve. I'm 22 as well, so I do understand...I've fallen in the trap of dating crummy/average guys out of loneliness, and once you fall for them it's hard to see past their very evident flaws.

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Get "The Five Love Languages" and read it--then ask him to read it or discuss it with you.

You need to tell him what you need from him in order to feel the love he's claiming he has for you.

 

If he won't do that, then I don't think it's a good idea to move in with him with this huge elephant pooping up a storm in your living room. He needs to address why he's not sexually attracted to you--and it could be depression medication if he's on it or because he watches porn. He tells you one thing, but I'll bet if you looked at his viewing history, it'll reveal a completely different side.

 

The answer to your question was not for you to watch porn (that was him dismissing you), but for him to show you and talk you through it. Sometimes with new lovers, unless they are so masterful it's beyond belief (and that's possible), you do have to show them the particulars of what you enjoy because each person is unique in this respect.

 

He also needs to come up with tactics to help modulate his arousal so he's not finishing before you... in fact, seeing that this is how he is, he should be making sure you're satisfied before he starts ramping up to his climax. If he truly cared about you, he'd do that. Most men love to satisfy their woman and want to do it. That he doesn't should be causing you to take a step back.

 

If you can tolerate this mediocre level of satisfaction, then understand you're going to have to go the distance with this being the best he will do for you--and trust me, there's way better than this AND the guy will love you, too. Love only goes so far when you're unhappy from being dismissed on the regular.

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I can see where you all are coming from. I appercaite the advice. Im not ready to just up and dump him yet when we havent had a full heart to heart on it. Im going to talk to him and see if he makes an effort to change and if no then I'll end it

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My boyfriend and I have been dating for 5 months. We've fallen in love rather quick. We plan on moving in together and we even have gotten a puppy together.

 

- I was the one to ask him to be my bf

- I'm the one always complimenting him because I know he has low self esteem and I want him to know I find him attractive.

- He's only ever said I was pretty/beautiful twice, even though he's told me his ex was hot a few times.

- Recently he initated sex. I told him it was good and he told me it was meh. We do it often and sometimes he rejects me when I ask). I asked him what he liked and he told me to watch porn.

- He has depression and I cant do anything to help him when he's feeling that way. Its happening more often now. I don't know what to do to please him and make sure he's happy in our relationship.

- I am feeling a bit insecure because he doesn't tell me he's attracted to me. I don't think I'm measuring up to all his exs. I'm feeling very inadaquate.

 

Hi Kaaito,

Sometimes it's good to go back and really highlight certain things in a post. I've done that with you've written, and I hope you read my comments with the kindness with which they are intended.

 

I would ask you, is your boyfriend as invested in the relationship as you? It doesn't sound like it from what you've written - it makes me wonder if you've moved ahead quickly with your plans... to get a puppy and move in together... it sounds like he's along for the ride right now. He's not having to do very much work or put very much effort into the relationship.

 

And I would be cautious about several things. First, this is the time in your relationship that you should be having fun together and learning about each other. To move quickly into commitment will be very costly if you don't take the time to really get to know this guy. The golden rule is to wait through the seasons before moving in together - this way, you have time to really get to know each other. You will see each other at your best and your worst, learn how you manage stress and conflict, and learn about the important things like how he manages finances, how he manages his time, what he wants for the future, etc... I would strongly encourage you to slow down with your plans...

 

And then, there are a few other concerns. First, it's obvious with what you've written that you are feeling insecure about yourself, in this relationship. You are looking for assurances and they are not coming from your partner.

 

Then, there is the fact that you say he is depressed and you are trying to do what you can to help him feel better. The simple truth is, he is responsible for his mental health and nothing you can do will help if he has depression. Your desire to assume responsibility for his happiness is very codependent behavior - it is bound to cause you a lot of grief over time because the basic truth is, we can't control anyone but ourselves. The fact that he is depressed should put the break on your plans, at least until he gets a diagnosis, treatment, and his depression improves.

 

And then, there is sex. It's really not good if you are having to initiate sex all the time early in the relationship. Again, it makes me wonder how invested he is in the relationship. You deserve a partner who thinks that you are beautiful, desires you, and want to please you... Telling you to go and watch porn is immature and disrespectful.

 

I'm sorry love, some tough love in my post. Perhaps I'm wrong, you know this man and we do not. I only offer some advice to really consider and think about because the last thing that you want is an unhealthy relationship with a partner that is less than you deserve. Best advice would be to slow and down and take more time to get to know this man...

 

Best wishes to you.

Edited by BaileyB
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^^^^ 1000%

 

Bailey B hits the nail on the head. OP--re-read this with your head and not your heart.

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Thank you I apperciate all the advice. He actually told me he wanted us to move in together and asked if I wanted a puppy his cowork had because he needs the type I like. We have discussed our future and he tells me what he does with his money. Including when he spends it irresponsibly. I even went with him when he finalized a loan. I wont deny i am a bit insecure in our relationship. Not that i think he'd cheat or leave me, but that i think I'm not doing for him what his exes did. Hos depression comes and goes like 3 times a month of a day or too. He calls it feeling meh. Its something he's dealt with for a while but whenever there's something eying with him he always says I'll be fine and generally ignores it. I just hate seeing my loved ones suffer

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d0nnivain

OMG. You two are moving at a rocket pace & heading for a crash yikes.

 

 

At 5 months in, if the sex is already bad because your partner is not caring about your needs, get out. This selfishness problem does not get better over time. It gets worse

 

 

You don't really co-own this dog. The dog belongs to your BF & you will lose the dog when you break up.

 

 

5 months is waaayyyyy too early to talk about moving in together. You need to have been together for at least 1 year before you even think about having a conversation about something that serious.

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Actually the dog is mine. He paid half but he has said he only asked me about getting her because he knew i wanted this particular breed. She is registered as my dog aswell. It was actually his idea to move in together. We will have been together a 1 year before moving in to gether as well considering both our leases arent up for a few more months. I also discussed it with my parents first, suprisingly they approved (my dad did and my mom said i was an adult and to make my own decisons but not to buy a house together until we marry)

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Thank you I apperciate all the advice. He actually told me he wanted us to move in together and asked if I wanted a puppy his cowork had because he needs the type I like. We have discussed our future and he tells me what he does with his money. Including when he spends it irresponsibly. I even went with him when he finalized a loan. I wont deny i am a bit insecure in our relationship. Not that i think he'd cheat or leave me, but that i think I'm not doing for him what his exes did. Hos depression comes and goes like 3 times a month of a day or too. He calls it feeling meh. Its something he's dealt with for a while but whenever there's something eying with him he always says I'll be fine and generally ignores it. I just hate seeing my loved ones suffer

 

He won't be fine by ignoring it. What do his parents say about it? Have they put him into therapy when he was younger? True clinical depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain. It's treated through medication and therapy, not understanding girlfriends.

 

Does he have any desire to get a handle on his depression? Like get himself diagnosed and get treatment? Because if he doesn't, you're heading for enable-land and it's not a pleasant place to be.

 

And he has to want to get better for himself, not in order to keep you.

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Grapesofwrath

A little real talk for you Kaaito: Your boyfriend sounds solidly average, and I'm afraid you have lowered your expectations for him so that he seems great.

 

Let me be direct: There are many ways to please a woman besides intercourse. Your bf does not appear interested in doing them or giving you pleasure. He focuses on himself and finishes before you are even really aroused. This is very selfish behavior. Because you are inexperienced, you may not be aware yet of what your body needs in order to achieve orgasm. He should be helping you figure that out, not directing you to look at porn. This just tells you he knows very little about women's sexuality and is not interesting in pleasing his partner.

 

While sex isn't everything, it is a big aspect of a relationship and the way someone approaches it tells you a lot about them. This young man needs to get his act together in the bedroom.

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todreaminblue

yeah most sexual and intimate realationships are nothing like porn or romantic movies.....because its an act...and when that art turns into reality when actors and actresses get together off the screen, the relationships dont last very long they dont measure up to the art is my theory.....

 

 

you cant fix your sexual relationship by watching porn if anything it will make it worse.....with you, and this is me guessing is you are looking for more intimacy and affection ......more communication....maybe even more foreplay woudl be of help in the bedroom so you can get to the same level fo arousal.........foreplay where he validates how beautiful you are by making you feel that way...he might have had a ton more sex than you...doesnt make him a good lover or teacher ........if he doesnt also seek to pleasure you.....to make you feel good.....

 

 

with him saying the sex was meh with you....he is actually quite responsible for that meh...you have the least experience and he should be working on the intimacy dynamic between you two getting to know what turns you on not just himself.....seflish lovers who think they know everything.and then blame an inexpereicned person........pffft......

 

 

telling you to watch porn......thats a joke right?.......theres more to sex than mechanics moaning on request and fake orgasms......and it involves for most women a level of affection and foreplay before during and after.....he has to work on the sexual dynamic...even more so seeing he has the most experience......he sounds a little selfish and i hope that changes in the future for you......i know you love him...i hope he comes to appeciate that...i wish you well...deb

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And now you add that he's a drunk, such a drunk that he can't do proper sex. Let me tell you as a former lush who dated a lot of drinkers, being drunk doesn't stop most of them. It has to be pretty extreme alcoholism, like way too much.

 

You are nuts if you move in with him. He is not a good boyfriend. He has a few polite habits, but not where it really counts.

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He won't be fine by ignoring it. What do his parents say about it? Have they put him into therapy when he was younger? True clinical depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain. It's treated through medication and therapy, not understanding girlfriends.

 

Does he have any desire to get a handle on his depression? Like get himself diagnosed and get treatment? Because if he doesn't, you're heading for enable-land and it's not a pleasant place to be.

 

And he has to want to get better for himself, not in order to keep you.

 

I've never given him an ultimatum where he had to get better or lose me. I'm also not just an understanding girlfriend. I work in the mental health field and am getting my masters in psychology (this was already happening before I met him or even knew he had been dealing with depression on some level) Thing is I can't force him to goto therapy he has to want help and he doesn't. I can't even get him to goto the hospital when hee tells me he thinks hebroke his hand. His parents we're terrible while he was growing up so no they never got him help and installed some not so good views into him

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The way you described his behavior set off my spidey senses, I have to say! There are quite a few concerning red flags here.

 

 

I actually think your boyfriend is refraining from telling you you're beautiful, withholding compliments and reassurances intentionally due to his own insecurities, it's his way of feeling like the one with power in the relationship. This is coupled with his performance issues which I get the feeling he is deeply insecure about since he essentially turned it all around on you, telling you to watch porn so that YOU are the one left feeling insecure and like you're not good enough (because that's how he feels).

 

 

This is a very bad dynamic and sadly I was in a relationship just like this for many many years and nearly all my self-esteem jellybeans were taken from my jar by the end. There are certain people that do a good job of subtly making us feel worse about ourselves, these types need to be fiercely avoided.

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He won't be fine by ignoring it. What do his parents say about it? Have they put him into therapy when he was younger? True clinical depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain. It's treated through medication and therapy, not understanding girlfriends.

 

Does he have any desire to get a handle on his depression? Like get himself diagnosed and get treatment? Because if he doesn't, you're heading for enable-land and it's not a pleasant place to be.

 

And he has to want to get better for himself, not in order to keep you.

 

And now you add that he's a drunk, such a drunk that he can't do proper sex. Let me tell you as a former lush who dated a lot of drinkers, being drunk doesn't stop most of them. It has to be pretty extreme alcoholism, like way too much.

 

You are nuts if you move in with him. He is not a good boyfriend. He has a few polite habits, but not where it really counts.

 

 

Okay now I never said he was a drunk. Please don't push issues onto him that arent there. He drinks New years, forth of july, and his birthday. Occasionally he will goto a bar with his friend to celebrate something(this has happened only twice in our relationship. He made sure to call me every so often,so I knew he was still okay and not being stupid drunk) In the past he has noticed that he can last longer when he's drunk and he has tried doing this for me before

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yeah most sexual and intimate realationships are nothing like porn or romantic movies.....because its an act...and when that art turns into reality when actors and actresses get together off the screen, the relationships dont last very long they dont measure up to the art is my theory.....

 

 

you cant fix your sexual relationship by watching porn if anything it will make it worse.....with you, and this is me guessing is you are looking for more intimacy and affection ......more communication....maybe even more foreplay woudl be of help in the bedroom so you can get to the same level fo arousal.........foreplay where he validates how beautiful you are by making you feel that way...he might have had a ton more sex than you...doesnt make him a good lover or teacher ........if he doesnt also seek to pleasure you.....to make you feel good.....

 

 

with him saying the sex was meh with you....he is actually quite responsible for that meh...you have the least experience and he should be working on the intimacy dynamic between you two getting to know what turns you on not just himself.....seflish lovers who think they know everything.and then blame an inexpereicned person........pffft......

 

 

telling you to watch porn......thats a joke right?.......theres more to sex than mechanics moaning on request and fake orgasms......and it involves for most women a level of affection and foreplay before during and after.....he has to work on the sexual dynamic...even more so seeing he has the most experience......he sounds a little selfish and i hope that changes in the future for you......i know you love him...i hope he comes to appeciate that...i wish you well...deb

 

I'm not sure he's so selfish as maybe just being dense and an idiot. He is a guy, not that that is any reason for him to not pleasure me. Maybe I should talk to him about it alot to make him actually understand my view on things. I jist wanted to make sure I wasnt being silly about this whole thing

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I'm going to jump on the bandwagon and states you can do better.

 

I can promise you sex is going to be a major issue long-term. Not only is he not interested in pleasing you, but often times he rejects you. Even if the seldom sex was mind blowing for you, if you are rejected a lot and don't get that level and frequency of intimacy you desire, it's going to start to wear on you, and you will fight over it, a lot. It's normal in a marriage or LTR that sex diminishes a little. You may not have the high level of frequency like when you first started out, but there is quality and it's an important part of a marriage and the connection. You're already getting less sex than you want, and it's mediocre at best. Fast forward five years, a kid, financial issues, marital unbliss (it's not all rainbows and kittens), and depression, and you'll be lucky to get sex at all.

 

Sure he's nice and all, but he seems uninterested in propping you up the way you do him. You feel like it's your job to prop him up and complement him due to his moods and insecurities. Couples are always propping each other up in many ways, and aside from gentlemanly behavior, he's not even attempting to make changes in this area, and I got the impression you have spoken to him about this. You're going through this, despite the "I love you's," feeling like you are so inexperienced and don't measure up to his exes. I don't think you really feel like he loves you. There is something seriously wrong with that. And if he's telling you about his sexual experiences in detail and his hot exes, he's really pushing you down a notch or two. It's cruel to make such comparisons. Especially with looks and in the bedroom.

 

His depression is concerning, in addition to not being wise with his money. Financial distress feeds depression. You will have to babysit the finances and mother-hen him in finances, and he could ruin you with poor spending choices and habits. You know what couples fight about the most? Money. How do you think a marriage with babies and financial distress on top of you complaining you never get sex or satisfying sex is going to affect his depression long-term? Will this carry into his ability to hold down a job at some point? Will he seek an affair because his home life sucks and you're a nag?

 

I just don't see this as a good idea long-term. I do hope that with some talk he can and will make changes, but the question is if those changes will stick. Change is difficult and many just don't.

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I'm quite a bit suprised at the lack of people telling me to talk it out with him. I sincerely appreciate all the advice an 'tough love', I'm new to this community and I already feel like you guys are there for me. It was good to get fresh and experinced opinions. I decided to talk to him about all of my concerns. He apologized for hurting me, he said he told me the sex was meh because of him not finishing me. Of course I told him that didnt make it any better and called him out on the porn thing. Which he also apologized for, I managed to drag out that he was uncomfortable talking about sexual things and that he didnt know/understand how to put what he liked into words. We discussed the importance of all forms of communication in our relationship. I told him i didn't feel he was sexually attracted to me. He told he was very much so, but he wasnt in it for sex he loved me for my mind and personality. In the end we agreed to go very slow next time to find what we liked and what worked and he would start telling me more about his desires but it might take him sometime before he's able to be completely open about it. I also told him there will be no penatration for a while. The only thing he asked me to do was to stop complimenting him so much. Kinda through me off but ok. Did I miss anything I should discuss with him? While I understand I can do better, I also understand he can treat me better, If he knows what he's not doing or what he is doing that is having a negative effect on me. I didn't think it would be fair to just end it without at least telling him what was going on with me and seeing what he'd do about it. I'll keep you guys updated about what happens next time when it happens if y'all want. Thank you all

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I can't believe this guy said we'll take it slow and discuss MY desires! You're the one who's not getting off. I think he missed the point. Show him what you like with your hand guiding him and when he thinks he's done in 5 seconds, tell him "Nuh-uh, don't stop." And just keep doing that.

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I can't believe this guy said we'll take it slow and discuss MY desires! You're the one who's not getting off. I think he missed the point. Show him what you like with your hand guiding him and when he thinks he's done in 5 seconds, tell him "Nuh-uh, don't stop." And just keep doing that.

I think i may have said it wrong or it was misinterpretted. He agreed to take it slow to discover what I like and so I could discover what he likes. And i asked him to tell me what he likes and he has some issues discussing sexual things, which is why I asked him to tell me.

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