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Am I overthinking things or is this a legit issue?


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Old 8th May 2017, 11:47 AM   #1
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Am I overthinking things or is this a legit issue?

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 5 months. We've fallen in love rather quick. We hang out with each other's families alot, we say I love you at the end of every conversation, we've had sex, taken trips together and been together through every holiday but Halloween and plan on moving in together in August. We even have gotten a puppy together.

But I was the one to ask him to be my bf and I'm the one always complimenting him because I know he has low self esteem and I want him to know I find him attractive. He's only ever said I was pretty/beautiful twice, even though he's told me his ex was hot a few times. Recently he initated sex (he's my one and only) I rarely ever orgasm because he's always finishing right as he's getting me started. Still I told him it was good and he told me it was meh because of him. That really hurt even if he said it wasnt me, I know I'm not good yet because I'm inexperienced (we dont do it often, sometimes he rejects me when I ask) and he's had sex alot. I asked him what he liked and what he wants me to do and he told me to watch porn. After questioning him a bit I found out he's rather vanilla in bed, he doesnt like the whole "traditional" porn type things like bitting or talking dirty or loud screaming.

On top of this he has depression every now and again and I cant do anything to help him when he's feeling that way. Its happening more often now. I don't know what to do to please him and make sure he's happy in our relationship. I also am feeling a bit insecure because he doesn't tell me he's attracted to me (first time he said i was pretty when we just started dating, last time he said hi beautiful and I told him it was the first time he's said that and it made me happy. He said is it and never said it again) sometimes I jokingly say im too fat for something and he never responds in anyway.

I think he's a really good boyfriend, he treats me really well and makes me laugh, I can honestly say I'm in love with him. But I don't think I'm measuring up to all his exs (everything new and interesting I do with him he's done before and more and told me so). Im feeling very inadaquate and I am not sure If i'm just being too sensitive or if I should talk to him about my concerns.
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Old 8th May 2017, 12:07 PM   #2
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Well if he values porn that much it gives you an idea of how he views women. Tell him stop watching porn and maybe watch a romantic comedy or two so he can learn how to treat you
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Old 8th May 2017, 12:14 PM   #3
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I'm reading this and wondering what on earth you see in this guy. He's the one finishing before he gets you off, but he's telling YOU to watch porn. Ridiculous! He needs to stop watching porn because porn is strictly the woman performing for the man and gives the man NO idea what the woman needs and for how long to get her off. And he clearly thinks that's just okay.

He doesn't think you're all that attractive or he wouldn't be clamming up when you say "I'm fat," though truly it's not fair fishing for compliments. Who he is is just a lousy lay who thinks you should just service him and be happy about it, and for whatever reason, you've totally bought into that, so have fun.

He's not confident so you have to pump him up constantly. And now he's depressed, when he has no reason to be situationally depressed, so this may be a serious lifelong problem.

I'm hoping you're real young and just don't know any better and that you wake up before long, because this guy is no prize and he's just making you feel bad about yourself when it's him that has the problems: porn, sexual performance, no confidence, and mental illness.
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Old 8th May 2017, 12:26 PM   #4
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Aside from the sex and not complimenting me hecs really attentive, and gentlemanly. He won't let me go through does without him opening them and he rarely ever lets me pay for things. He goes out of his way to do things I want to do even when he's tired. Im not fishing for compliments so much as just trying to see if he'll give them on his own, especially if it seems like i need it. We are both young only 22 and Im not perfect so I don't expect him to be either. He has told mehe feels like abad boyfriend because he can't last long enough for me unless he's drunk. Im getting that this is an issue and I'm quivering if i should talk to him about it. We are going to live together a little while before getting married to see how we live together so if it doesn't work out we will both know before we take that step.
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Old 8th May 2017, 12:29 PM   #5
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He does treat me rather well besides lack of compliments and finishing first. He wont let me get too far in front of him when we go places because he knows I'll open the door and he wants to do that, he doesn't really let me pay for things and goes out of his way to do things with me when he's tired. But is he really that bad?
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Old 8th May 2017, 12:54 PM   #6
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I mean, the the things you are saying are good about him are the bare minimum of what a guy should do for you in a relationship. Just because he's attractive and acts like a gentleman apparently, doesn't make up for the negatives.

Do you really want to spend your life with someone who compliments his ex more than you, tells you to watch porn, and makes you feel self conscious?

Also, unfortunately it seems a lot of people think they can fix relationships by speeding things around - for you getting a puppy and moving in together, for some they think marriage will solve their problems or having children will. But that's not the case, it complicates it even more!

I'm sorry if this isn't what you want to hear, but from an outsider's perspective I really think you are settling for less than you deserve. I'm 22 as well, so I do understand...I've fallen in the trap of dating crummy/average guys out of loneliness, and once you fall for them it's hard to see past their very evident flaws.
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Old 8th May 2017, 1:42 PM   #7
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Get "The Five Love Languages" and read it--then ask him to read it or discuss it with you.
You need to tell him what you need from him in order to feel the love he's claiming he has for you.

If he won't do that, then I don't think it's a good idea to move in with him with this huge elephant pooping up a storm in your living room. He needs to address why he's not sexually attracted to you--and it could be depression medication if he's on it or because he watches porn. He tells you one thing, but I'll bet if you looked at his viewing history, it'll reveal a completely different side.

The answer to your question was not for you to watch porn (that was him dismissing you), but for him to show you and talk you through it. Sometimes with new lovers, unless they are so masterful it's beyond belief (and that's possible), you do have to show them the particulars of what you enjoy because each person is unique in this respect.

He also needs to come up with tactics to help modulate his arousal so he's not finishing before you... in fact, seeing that this is how he is, he should be making sure you're satisfied before he starts ramping up to his climax. If he truly cared about you, he'd do that. Most men love to satisfy their woman and want to do it. That he doesn't should be causing you to take a step back.

If you can tolerate this mediocre level of satisfaction, then understand you're going to have to go the distance with this being the best he will do for you--and trust me, there's way better than this AND the guy will love you, too. Love only goes so far when you're unhappy from being dismissed on the regular.
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Old 8th May 2017, 2:06 PM   #8
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I can see where you all are coming from. I appercaite the advice. Im not ready to just up and dump him yet when we havent had a full heart to heart on it. Im going to talk to him and see if he makes an effort to change and if no then I'll end it
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Old 8th May 2017, 3:08 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kaaito View Post
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 5 months. We've fallen in love rather quick. We plan on moving in together and we even have gotten a puppy together.

- I was the one to ask him to be my bf
- I'm the one always complimenting him because I know he has low self esteem and I want him to know I find him attractive.
- He's only ever said I was pretty/beautiful twice, even though he's told me his ex was hot a few times.
- Recently he initated sex. I told him it was good and he told me it was meh. We do it often and sometimes he rejects me when I ask). I asked him what he liked and he told me to watch porn.
- He has depression and I cant do anything to help him when he's feeling that way. Its happening more often now. I don't know what to do to please him and make sure he's happy in our relationship.
- I am feeling a bit insecure because he doesn't tell me he's attracted to me. I don't think I'm measuring up to all his exs. I'm feeling very inadaquate.
Hi Kaaito,
Sometimes it's good to go back and really highlight certain things in a post. I've done that with you've written, and I hope you read my comments with the kindness with which they are intended.

I would ask you, is your boyfriend as invested in the relationship as you? It doesn't sound like it from what you've written - it makes me wonder if you've moved ahead quickly with your plans... to get a puppy and move in together... it sounds like he's along for the ride right now. He's not having to do very much work or put very much effort into the relationship.

And I would be cautious about several things. First, this is the time in your relationship that you should be having fun together and learning about each other. To move quickly into commitment will be very costly if you don't take the time to really get to know this guy. The golden rule is to wait through the seasons before moving in together - this way, you have time to really get to know each other. You will see each other at your best and your worst, learn how you manage stress and conflict, and learn about the important things like how he manages finances, how he manages his time, what he wants for the future, etc... I would strongly encourage you to slow down with your plans...

And then, there are a few other concerns. First, it's obvious with what you've written that you are feeling insecure about yourself, in this relationship. You are looking for assurances and they are not coming from your partner.

Then, there is the fact that you say he is depressed and you are trying to do what you can to help him feel better. The simple truth is, he is responsible for his mental health and nothing you can do will help if he has depression. Your desire to assume responsibility for his happiness is very codependent behavior - it is bound to cause you a lot of grief over time because the basic truth is, we can't control anyone but ourselves. The fact that he is depressed should put the break on your plans, at least until he gets a diagnosis, treatment, and his depression improves.

And then, there is sex. It's really not good if you are having to initiate sex all the time early in the relationship. Again, it makes me wonder how invested he is in the relationship. You deserve a partner who thinks that you are beautiful, desires you, and want to please you... Telling you to go and watch porn is immature and disrespectful.

I'm sorry love, some tough love in my post. Perhaps I'm wrong, you know this man and we do not. I only offer some advice to really consider and think about because the last thing that you want is an unhealthy relationship with a partner that is less than you deserve. Best advice would be to slow and down and take more time to get to know this man...

Best wishes to you.

Last edited by BaileyB; 8th May 2017 at 3:12 PM..
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Old 8th May 2017, 3:19 PM   #10
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^^^^ 1000%

Bailey B hits the nail on the head. OP--re-read this with your head and not your heart.
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Old 8th May 2017, 3:26 PM   #11
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Thank you I apperciate all the advice. He actually told me he wanted us to move in together and asked if I wanted a puppy his cowork had because he needs the type I like. We have discussed our future and he tells me what he does with his money. Including when he spends it irresponsibly. I even went with him when he finalized a loan. I wont deny i am a bit insecure in our relationship. Not that i think he'd cheat or leave me, but that i think I'm not doing for him what his exes did. Hos depression comes and goes like 3 times a month of a day or too. He calls it feeling meh. Its something he's dealt with for a while but whenever there's something eying with him he always says I'll be fine and generally ignores it. I just hate seeing my loved ones suffer
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Old 8th May 2017, 3:43 PM   #12
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OMG. You two are moving at a rocket pace & heading for a crash yikes.


At 5 months in, if the sex is already bad because your partner is not caring about your needs, get out. This selfishness problem does not get better over time. It gets worse


You don't really co-own this dog. The dog belongs to your BF & you will lose the dog when you break up.


5 months is waaayyyyy too early to talk about moving in together. You need to have been together for at least 1 year before you even think about having a conversation about something that serious.
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Old 8th May 2017, 3:49 PM   #13
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Actually the dog is mine. He paid half but he has said he only asked me about getting her because he knew i wanted this particular breed. She is registered as my dog aswell. It was actually his idea to move in together. We will have been together a 1 year before moving in to gether as well considering both our leases arent up for a few more months. I also discussed it with my parents first, suprisingly they approved (my dad did and my mom said i was an adult and to make my own decisons but not to buy a house together until we marry)
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Old 8th May 2017, 4:25 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kaaito View Post
Thank you I apperciate all the advice. He actually told me he wanted us to move in together and asked if I wanted a puppy his cowork had because he needs the type I like. We have discussed our future and he tells me what he does with his money. Including when he spends it irresponsibly. I even went with him when he finalized a loan. I wont deny i am a bit insecure in our relationship. Not that i think he'd cheat or leave me, but that i think I'm not doing for him what his exes did. Hos depression comes and goes like 3 times a month of a day or too. He calls it feeling meh. Its something he's dealt with for a while but whenever there's something eying with him he always says I'll be fine and generally ignores it. I just hate seeing my loved ones suffer
He won't be fine by ignoring it. What do his parents say about it? Have they put him into therapy when he was younger? True clinical depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain. It's treated through medication and therapy, not understanding girlfriends.

Does he have any desire to get a handle on his depression? Like get himself diagnosed and get treatment? Because if he doesn't, you're heading for enable-land and it's not a pleasant place to be.

And he has to want to get better for himself, not in order to keep you.
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Old 8th May 2017, 5:07 PM   #15
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A little real talk for you Kaaito: Your boyfriend sounds solidly average, and I'm afraid you have lowered your expectations for him so that he seems great.

Let me be direct: There are many ways to please a woman besides intercourse. Your bf does not appear interested in doing them or giving you pleasure. He focuses on himself and finishes before you are even really aroused. This is very selfish behavior. Because you are inexperienced, you may not be aware yet of what your body needs in order to achieve orgasm. He should be helping you figure that out, not directing you to look at porn. This just tells you he knows very little about women's sexuality and is not interesting in pleasing his partner.

While sex isn't everything, it is a big aspect of a relationship and the way someone approaches it tells you a lot about them. This young man needs to get his act together in the bedroom.
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