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Am I overthinking things?


Headintheclouds

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Headintheclouds

Hey guys. Haven’t been here in awhile but I’ve always got good advice so here goes…

 

To give a short history, Ive always had long relationships and have been mostly single for the past 4 years after ending a 5 year relationship. I met a handful of girls in between, but none have held my interest. Ive always had this “gold standard” and knew that when I met the right one, I would know because I wouldn’t be able to get enough of her. 3 months ago I met her…

 

Things right now are intense to say the least. We spend every minute we can together. Were genuinely intrigued and invested in each others interests although they are very different. The connection we have is on another level both intellectually and sexually. We totally understand each other and at times it just feels too good. So whats wrong??

 

We’ve both had extremely similar pasts. Long relationships that failed. Were both in need of constant reassurance from the other. I do everything in my power to make her know that she’s the one every day. On the other hand, she also feels completely into me when Im around her….its just the things that slip out in conversation that give me doubt.

 

I asked her awhile ago, what are we? The answer I got was that she didn’t like titles. She’s expressed that since we have different interests, that right now it doesn’t bother her but down the line it could. I hear a lot about previous exes and the things she didn’t like about them. I went on a week trip recently and told her I missed her a few times, and she never responded to that. Its like these small instances of doubt on her end that come out in conversation. Those are a couple examples but it happens frequently. Its almost like she’s keeping me juuuust far enough away just incase it blows up, and all I want to do is commit, and tell her Im totally falling for her….but I don’t, because Im scared of being hurt again.

 

I know this probably seems petty. This is literally the first time that I am 100% all in with someone in years, and I don’t think Ive ever felt this way. I also had 4 years alone to realize that this is what I really wanted. She just got out of a long relationship where they were broken up but still living together. She’s since moved out, and I don’t feel like there is any chance of anything happening with them, but Im sure it plays into her actions.

 

Anyways, maybe Im just overthinking everything...

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There's a difference between love, and seeking reassurance.

 

 

Saying you love or miss someone shouldn't be said just so you can hear it back.

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Cookiesandough

I think it's normal to be concerned upon hearing "I don't like labels"... That's what people adverse to commitment say. Then one day that person will fall and it will align and they'll start liking labels just fine! You're probably intuitively picking up your on different pages and that's causing some discomfort. Imo that is the wrong time to bring up unless you're prepared to walk. If you aren't, follow their pace to wherever it leads.

Edited by Cookiesandough
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Give her some space.

 

Go a week without contacting her and see is she reaches out to you. If she does, then you know she's still interested in you and you just need to do a better job of managing your time and expectations as far as she is concerned--because you're overwatering that plant.

 

If she doesn't, then you know she's lost interest and it's best that you just leave it where it lies and wait it out until you find someone who is arsed enough to want to be with you.

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There's a difference between love, and seeking reassurance.

 

Saying you love or miss someone shouldn't be said just so you can hear it back.

 

 

I agree--saying it in this context is almost like baiting her--and she refused to take the bait.

 

OP--She may not miss you because you don't make it so that she can miss you.

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LEt me get this straight: It's 3 months in. You spend all this time together w you "reassuring" her that she is the one (not sure how you can tell only 3 months in but whatever). She, however, instead of seeming overjoyed with your reassurances, instead seems to be holding back, with the "I don't like labels" and other stuff.

 

Your gut is right on that there is something wrong. You created this problem as much as anyone. I quite think she feels smothered. As needy as you say she was in her past relationships--even needy people feel smothered.

 

I agree w @kendahke and @knix. You need to take space, to see how she'd react, and also because your relationship could use some breathing room.

Edited by Imajerk17
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Headintheclouds

Thanks guys,

Our lives are very busy but we do spend a lot of time together. We both go out of our way to make time for each other. She even moved right around the corner from me recently. I can’t complain really. To be honest its mostly her wanting to be with me every second that we can.

 

Like I said Ive been single for awhile and I have absolutely latched onto her in my mind no doubt. I don’t go too overboard with throwing myself at her. I think I keep it at bay, but maybe I do just need to step back a bit.

 

I want to give her space. Im not sure how to except to just roll with it and maybe not let all the small **** get to me. I think Im always looking for a sure shot and if I have even the slightest doubt I start to make **** up in my head.

 

She’s actually going away this week so maybe it’ll be good to be apart for a little. I won't throw out any "I miss you's" this time unless I can deal with it not being reciprocated ;)

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Eternal Sunshine

To guys "very hot" in a way that is their "type" usually equals "the one". That's how they can tell very quickly :)

 

OP you are obviously not on the same page. Her feelings are not matching yours. In time, they may grow or they may not. There is no way to know. One way to drastically lower your chances is to keep smothering her with heavy contact, expression of feelings and commitment talk.

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So if you don't share interests, then why would you consider her the gold standard? Makes no sense. Are you just about her looks? Because she wants a deeper relationship than being hot for each other will provide.

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Headintheclouds

Well I've had plenty of girls with shared interests and for the most part thats all we had. The difference for me with this girl is that our connection and understanding for each other seems much deeper.

 

I wouldn't say we don't share ANY interests. To be more clear we are both into a lot of things. Im interested and supportive of what she's into and vice versa. Those things may align better at some point.

 

To me its about the connection, transparency and ability to build trust in a relationship more then what we share. We still do a ton of stuff together.

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Headintheclouds

Also, I don’t really smother her with feelings. We are both very open with each other, so it comes from both ends. We both like to talk a lot, and are very open with each other. I also don’t get super into “commitment” talks. That was only mentioned once in conversation.

 

I just try to let it be, but inside I feel like I should know by now, and maybe thats my downfall. I guess in the past my relationships moved a lot faster, and maybe thats why they all failed.

 

I feel like Im with a really awesome girl for once in a long time. It feels like I have all I want in one package so I am embracing it. On the flip side I am also very comfortable being alone. Its just that in between feeling that I need to get over, and as a few of you said, time is the only thing that will tell...

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I just have to say that if you like this one because of your shared "transparency and trust", why are you posting here?

 

 

You don't sound like you trust in where she's at, at all!

 

 

You say that she recently left her long term relationship, have you considered that she might not be ready for a commitment with you? What impact did that relationship have on her ability to invest?

 

 

Has that been discussed at all during all this 'transparency'?

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She's fresh out of a LTR = problem! :confused:

 

Plus she's doing the, 'I dont know want to put a label on us' thing = usually not a good thing...commitment phobe

 

You guys are rushing into the relationship = it has a good chance of burning out just as quickly

 

You think she's 'the one' after 3 months of dating = ???

 

I would advice you OP, above all else....to trust your gut

 

Usually when we get that uneasy, doubting, worrying feeling about someone its because our gut is trying to tell us something isnt right (I've been there many times)

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Eternal Sunshine
Well I've had plenty of girls with shared interests and for the most part thats all we had. The difference for me with this girl is that our connection and understanding for each other seems much deeper.

 

I wouldn't say we don't share ANY interests. To be more clear we are both into a lot of things. Im interested and supportive of what she's into and vice versa. Those things may align better at some point.

To me its about the connection, transparency and ability to build trust in a relationship more then what we share. We still do a ton of stuff together.

 

 

This is clearly not true or you wouldn't be asking strangers what she is really thinking and how you have to hold back what you really feel.

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todreaminblue

you are copping it just a little bit here huh?.....i agree with other posters who say give it time....a bit of space......and allow it to grow naturally.......you have good communication and honesty ...so trust that honesty and communication that is transparent to guide you right...it feels strange because you are used to going fast....let it progress....and always be honest if you have a problem and promote that able to be honest with you in her.........her trust and yoru trust willg row this way...closer together...not further apart...be happy..try to have some fun.....deb

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