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Dealing with an insecure girlfriend?


vrtvro

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Hi,

 

I'm 29 and have been dating my girlfriend (30) for about 9 months now.I'm a bit of a late bloomer, this is my first real long term relationship. For the most part everything's great, but recently there seems to be a strain put on our relationship due to insecurities.

 

She always asks me if I really love her or if I hate her. i just used to take that as par for the course. Sometimes I can be a bit naive being so new to relationships, but I always answer yes, in an honest manner. I tell her to stop doubting those things. To know that I'm there for her, no matter what. Regardless, she'll still ask every time we see each other.

 

More recently, when I show up to her place, just to hang out (we live 45 minutes away from each other), she always asks If I'm there to break up with her or if she's good enough for me, which baffles me. I have to constantly reassure her that nothing's wrong. And it makes me feel bad because I'm thinking I'm being a bad boyfriend/doing something wrong and I tell her to open up and tell me what I can do to help her feel better/not think that way.

 

She's very devoted to me, but she always thinks that I'm out fancying other women, when in reality I just go home do nothing. I'm a shy person and a bit of a homebody. It got to a point where I had to delete my social media because she always questioned "Who's this or that?" or "why are you liking this person's photo, you must like them" when I'm not doing anything out of the ordinary. And again, it sucks because I mean no harm.

 

The biggest thing, is that before we dated another girl and I used to be friendly on social media (I later found out she liked me), but we stopped talking when I got together with my girlfriend. This became a huge point of contention and still is. As bro-y as it is to say, i'm a one-woman man. Especially, when the last person you liked kind of cheated on me, I vowed to never treat someone like I'd been treated. Devotion, as they call it. That said, these two girls have basically gone of a spree of throwing shade at each other, which is really a turn off. Like I said, I cut off complete contact with this other girl but my girlfriend will still bring her up like "Oh, well why don't you ask your little friend what she thinks about this?" I just roll my eyes and assure her nothing's going wrong. We've had several talks about it, but sometimes when she has a drink or two, it still comes out. And it irks me because i feel like I'm being painted in this bad light.

 

Anyways, I'm rambling. I don't want to make it seem like everything's wrong. She's an amazing person, strongly devoted, but sometimes I feel like I'm doing something wrong to make her feel that way. I really try to reassure her everything's ok. I'm also not trying to say I'm some perfect being, I have my faults, too, but as someone who came from dealing with mild depression, I put in alot of work to get to a place where i'm truly truly happy. And it bums me out when making someone feel crummy makes me feel crummy. We're open with each other, i try and do all those things to make her feel less suspicious, etc. We have talks I ask her what I can do, tell her I'm just trying to be a good boyfriend. But sometimes I get stressed, like, is there anything I can do anymore?

 

We've talked at length about it. Has anyone dealt with something like this before? Any advice? Should I talk to her about it again?

 

Man, this was long. lol

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Insecure girls can be tough. Nothing you can say or do will change the way she feels. For whatever reason she is wired that way and needs extensive therapy to resolve it.

 

I always find a bit of insecurity attractive. But too much is just trouble.

 

My ex was insecure and jealous and ended up blaming me for it and eventually leaving me because of it. The rub is although they don't want to lose you, they can and will latch onto another guy who makes them feel safer (and then repeat the process).

 

I hate to say this but my advice would be to run. Eventually either you won't be able to deal and leave or she will if you can imagine that.

 

I still suffer from insecurity PTSD lol. When I'm with a new girl I'm terrified to talk about anyone in the past for fear of a freak out.

 

Many of the women I've dated since aren't like that at all and it still shocks me. I had dinner with one this weekend and she said "the waitress is so pretty". I almost hit the floor as I was used to placing an order and not looking at them:D.

 

The more women you date, the more you will see this as abnormal behavior.

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Sorry but someone like this is very toxic to a relationship. It will not get better....she's 30 not 16, she should be past this stage but she's not. Every time you reassure her, you are enabling her behavior, that's why it's escalating and not diffusing it. You can talk to her til you are blue in the face....it will not change unless she gets herself into therapy...and TBH, it's not your place, especially only being together for such a short time, to solve her issues. This is all on her. I say get out while you can......most people with experience would have left her ages ago. Her behavior is abusive, and manipulative, that's why you are so stressed out. It's unhealthy to stay with someone like this.

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You need to tell her to knock it off, but gently.

 

 

Tell her you like her & want to date her but if she keeps asking if you are going to break up with her, you will end up doing just that because she couldn't accept yes you like her for an answer. She needs to stop her insecurities from becoming a self fulfilling prophecy.

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Hi,

 

I'm 29 and have been dating my girlfriend (30) for about 9 months now.I'm a bit of a late bloomer, this is my first real long term relationship. For the most part everything's great, but recently there seems to be a strain put on our relationship due to insecurities.

 

She always asks me if I really love her or if I hate her. i just used to take that as par for the course. Sometimes I can be a bit naive being so new to relationships, but I always answer yes, in an honest manner. I tell her to stop doubting those things. To know that I'm there for her, no matter what. Regardless, she'll still ask every time we see each other.

 

More recently, when I show up to her place, just to hang out (we live 45 minutes away from each other), she always asks If I'm there to break up with her or if she's good enough for me, which baffles me. I have to constantly reassure her that nothing's wrong. And it makes me feel bad because I'm thinking I'm being a bad boyfriend/doing something wrong and I tell her to open up and tell me what I can do to help her feel better/not think that way.

 

She's very devoted to me, but she always thinks that I'm out fancying other women, when in reality I just go home do nothing. I'm a shy person and a bit of a homebody. It got to a point where I had to delete my social media because she always questioned "Who's this or that?" or "why are you liking this person's photo, you must like them" when I'm not doing anything out of the ordinary. And again, it sucks because I mean no harm.

 

The biggest thing, is that before we dated another girl and I used to be friendly on social media (I later found out she liked me), but we stopped talking when I got together with my girlfriend. This became a huge point of contention and still is. As bro-y as it is to say, i'm a one-woman man. Especially, when the last person you liked kind of cheated on me, I vowed to never treat someone like I'd been treated. Devotion, as they call it. That said, these two girls have basically gone of a spree of throwing shade at each other, which is really a turn off. Like I said, I cut off complete contact with this other girl but my girlfriend will still bring her up like "Oh, well why don't you ask your little friend what she thinks about this?" I just roll my eyes and assure her nothing's going wrong. We've had several talks about it, but sometimes when she has a drink or two, it still comes out. And it irks me because i feel like I'm being painted in this bad light.

 

Anyways, I'm rambling. I don't want to make it seem like everything's wrong. She's an amazing person, strongly devoted, but sometimes I feel like I'm doing something wrong to make her feel that way. I really try to reassure her everything's ok. I'm also not trying to say I'm some perfect being, I have my faults, too, but as someone who came from dealing with mild depression, I put in alot of work to get to a place where i'm truly truly happy. And it bums me out when making someone feel crummy makes me feel crummy. We're open with each other, i try and do all those things to make her feel less suspicious, etc. We have talks I ask her what I can do, tell her I'm just trying to be a good boyfriend. But sometimes I get stressed, like, is there anything I can do anymore?

 

We've talked at length about it. Has anyone dealt with something like this before? Any advice? Should I talk to her about it again?

 

Man, this was long. lol

 

My friend she's so delusional and your giving into her by pleasing her. That's your biggest mistake here. She has some really serious self-esteem issues. Whatever happen to her in the past, is what's going on right now with you. Talking to her your not even breaking ground. How could you deal with her everyday with the same comments. She needs have therapy you can't fix or change her this is the woman she is. Consuming alcohol to the point that which can lead abnormal substance abuse is not the answer. Try to seek help for her. You are suffering from this. Your already have some issues yourself. You can't deal with her she's not going to improve at this rate. Even if she was on meds she'll be a different person but not the person you would be happy with.

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I totally understand what you mean. It's best to try and be honest with her and talk to her about it. Tell her about how the insecurities and what she says to you can hurt you. You deserve to have someone be as kind to you as you are to them. I can see you're a faithful and genuine guy, which is awesome, and the goal now is just to reassure her.

 

I can see how you really do care for her. Work it out and talk to her whenever you can about all of this. It may even have to be a consistent thing where you need to remind her, gently, that you do like her a lot.

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I'm a 30 year old female and I just find this behavior so unacceptable to be honest! And that's coming from someone who was cheated on by their long term partner! BUT I did the therapy thereafter and filled my life with all other things (not men) to work on my insecurities.

 

 

And I totally agree with Seven, there are so many women (myself included) who aren't threatened by the many other gorgeous women around.

 

 

BE VERY CAREFUL. It never ceases to amaze me how people with big insecurities and holes within can actually follow through with incredibly cruel acts to people they profess to love, just to try to fill their holes in vain. This is the reason my ex cheated on me, there was no amount of reassurance I could ever give him to feel worthy and so he cheated to get more validation (as none is ever enough) and he was convinced I was doing the same even though he was the only man I'd ever been intimate with. It was so f**king sad.

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todreaminblue

as an insecure girl its tough.......the insecurities dont just normally happen on their own.....they are given......im working on mine....and it actually makes me feel fake and pathetic...like im the only person telling myself these things.........really telling myself bar bias family and friends..... im beautiful im worthy i am strong when i feel anything but......

 

but thats when i need to tell myself i am all those things...i am survivor......and i am beautiful....i am loveable.....im not a human blow up doll just for sex.............

 

 

 

its combating the years and years of ridicule put downs violence betrayal uncaring sexual liasons.....ex hooker for clarification........deceit...disrespect and names i have been called...and i mean years...i often feel people hate me....but i know deep down it is my own person hatred for me being me gets in the way...

 

 

.i still see em as that pathetic girl saying sorry its my fault after copping hits to the head......if something goes wrong i am the reason...

 

 

my existence.....for example i am nice to someone friendly ...happy......and they call me creepy.....immediate sorry....must be my fault he sees me like that....thought he saw me as a friend....but he hates me...my fault.......

 

 

he then calls me a drama queen because i said sorry it was not what i meant to be felt ...sorry i came across that way.....my fault......years of this.....

 

 

.is damaging to any ones psyche/..as far as exitence goes heres a classic....somebody runs over my foot with their car..yep actually happened..oops sorry i exist ..shouldnt have been standing in the way of your car wheel as i limp home...........its so easy to believe everyone sees that unlovable girl...the pathetic girl limping hom with a sprained foot from a car wheel.......who just wants to feel real genuine love...and acknowledged for existing........but thinks she doesnt deserve too.......and cant believe for a second that it will and is happening to her...too scared to believe its there in case it disappears forever.....its a survival thing....

 

 

so your gf takes on others issues and calls them her own .......my suggestion is be patient.....its hard to realize you are loved when you dont feel lovable....its easier to believe you are hated than loved..when you feel that inbalance within.....

 

it takes someone to truly be patient kind and caring and just love you regardless of your insecurities to squash them.....the love of one good man can override a hundred bad men...maybe even more...love is the ultimate healer......so be patient tell her you love her often.....be affectionate......and treat those insecurities like they dont exist...and one blue sky day ......they wont......self and professional therapy may help...but the love of a good man....cant be beaten......

 

now

 

 

if you dont have that patience to work through those insecurities with love an compassion i do suggest you let her go and in doing so allows her to find the guy that can be that guy...for she is not right for you if you feel you cant be reassuring any time she feels insecure.......its a flawed scar that can be healed ...100 per cent......

 

a friend of mine posted on social media a quote ill leave with you and if you cannot give her this then you should gently and with compassion set her free.......

 

The hardest people to love are the ones that need it the most......

 

i wish you well and i sort of hope...you are that guy she will heal with..... i wish you both well .....deb

 

 

....

Edited by todreaminblue
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You say her behaviour leaves you feeling like you're doing something wrong to make her feel that way. This is the place to start the conversation with her.

 

When she says these things, ask what you're doing to make her feel this way. If she gives some valid answers, then a bit of self reflection is warranted. However, if she says you're doing nothing wrong, then you need to tell her how hurt these unfounded accusations make you feel. Leave her in no doubt as to how low and crummy her actions leave you. When she knows how much she hurts you, she will hopefully address the behaviour.

 

If you do all this and she continues to say these things, the next step is to shut down the conversations. Do not reassure her. Do not give her any positive feedback when she does this stuff. Simply say "We've been through this before and I am not going to allow you to hurt me with your accusations. Stop it now"

 

If none of this works, then leave her. Make sure she knows that you cared very much, but that her accusations became too much for you to cope with.

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Eventually, you are going to have to put your foot down with her.

 

The next time she asks you if you're breaking up with her, tell her "yes. I'm sick and tired of you asking these questions when my behavior has shown you how I feel about you. If my actions are not good enough for you, then perhaps you need to snuggle up to the running commentary in your head and let that keep you warm".

 

Seriously. She only does this because you let her get away with doing this. At some point in time, she's going to have to address her issues because they are her heavy lift, not yours.

 

She needs a therapist more than she needs a boyfriend.

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You seem like a really nice guy and a really great boyfriend.

No matter what you do, it's not going to make her happy.

It's her lesson to deal with insecurity, and it will take time for it.

You don't need to stand by that for her to overcome this.

In fact, you might make it worse if you keep catering to her ways.

 

If you want to help her get better, you need to be tougher.

Set clear lines what you think are appropriate, what is too out of the line. Ask her to start coping with it.

Always tell her that it's how you will feel comfortable in a relationship with her, ask her if she wants you to be happy too. If she's a 30-year-old, she must can understand on some level.

 

If she still doesn't.... then you are dealing with a insecure AND SELFISH gf, run as fast as you can. She's not yours to save.

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