b3st0fth3w0rst Posted March 27, 2017 Share Posted March 27, 2017 Hello everyone. First time poster looking for some advice. Thanks in advance for reading. I’m 29 she is a 31 year old single mom. Unfortunately she can’t travel outside of the country right now (no passport). We’ve been together 15 months. 2 months ago my best friend invited us on a all inclusive 4 day cruise with his gf, and another couple. Since it was a couples trip and she can’t go, nor would i want to be the 5th wheel, I told him we can’t make it. No big deal. 1 week ago, he and his gf broke up, so he asked me if i want to take his EX’s place. I told him i’ll let him know. I’ve been on a cruise, at least once, every year for the last 7 years, except last year, since my gf couldn't travel, her and i went to NY and NC instead. I'm probably going to end up going on the cruise because i haven't done anything this year so far, so a mini vacation would be nice. I know, my gf is definitely going to be mad. I can’t help but feel a little guilty about going though, but should i really be? We also plan a guys trip every year with my friends. We do this every year, for the last 5 years. I told my GF before we made it official a year ago that every year i go on a trip with the guys. She kind of brushed it off at the time (either thinking i wasn't serious, or that she would be able to say no to me) and when i told her we might go to Colombia last year, she got upset, told me i couldn’t go. After a brief discussion...apparently (in her mind) ALL of South America is "off limits" unless i go with her. Anyway, unfortunately, we didn’t have a guys trip last year because the planning just didn’t work out for everyone and some had financial issues. , so i didn’t bother to make an argument out of the “You can’t go comment”. Was a "pick your battles" moment. This year, there will be a guys trip for sure. We haven't decided where or when just yet. Probably Costa Rica. Once it's settled i'll let her know. i imagine she'll be upset like last year. As far as our relationship dynamic goes, i do love and care about her and i feel it is reciprocated. However, she has insecurities and thus, tends to err on the side of not trusting me. And no, i haven't given her a single reason since we've been together to not trust me. Not one. She literally said to me the other day, "One thing I have to admit. You are very good to me like 'respectful as a boyfriend' at least so far,But the day I find something u will be done". Who says this to their partner? I have to say, other than this, we are great together. Until it's time to do something without her, like go to a bar with the guys for drink maybe once a month (i dont think we even do it that often). She gives the whole "Its ok. I dont care if you go, im fine speech" but i can tell it isn't sincere. Next day...who'd you go with? Were there girls? I do have female friends, but i dont invite them out simply because i just don't want to have an argument about it. I feel like women, at least for the ones i've dated, can't ever understand their man having a female friend they dont want to sleep with. I ask them(women), don't you have male friends that you dont want to sleep with? the answer is usually "it's not the same" or something similar. Yes...it's exactly the same. And when i've been out with my friends in the past together, male and females, the gf usually asks "Well so and so is a girl, why can't i come? I thought it was 'Guys' night out?" "Guy night" is more like friends night, more specifically, we go, drink, catch up, and talk WITHOUT our SOs. It's just not the same when your SO is around. Friends are less likely to open up about issues they may be having if some elses SO is there who they might not really know well or feel comfortable around enough to talk about personal issues. My philosophy is...If im in a relationship, i'm not going to spend my time and effort to monitor and/or try to restrict a person, looking for clues of possible infidelity, telling them where they can and can't go and who they can or can't hangout with (within reason of course. no late night parties with your ex every weekend). Unless the places you're going and the people you're hanging out with, are a negative influence and could lead to negative outcomes, then i'm fine if you want to go without me or you just want some time with your friends. If someone is going to cheat, they will do it no matter how many places i say they can't go, or who they can't hang with. So why bother trying to restrict someone? Hell...i was cheated on twice, years ago, by the same girl and we lived together. Now, if you're choosing to do things without me, or choosing to hangout with you friends all the time over me, then thats a problem. I'm in a relationship to spend the majority of my time with you, and if that's not happening, then why are we together. Man, this turned into a much longer post than originally intended. I guess i’m just trying to see what others would do or say about the cruise/once a year guy trip? Am i being unreasonable? Anyway. Thanks for taking the time to read. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted March 27, 2017 Share Posted March 27, 2017 If the relationship is otherwise fine then you need to decide if the cruise is worth the disruption in the relationship. If you know she will have a problem with it and do it anyhow what does that say about how you feel about her input in the relationship? If it were me.. I would discuss it with her and go from there.. she may not have an issue with it. But if she does you will need to decide to go or not and going will have some effect on things. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted March 27, 2017 Share Posted March 27, 2017 personally if it were me i would want my guy to go....its a chance to travel and see the world.....if i was with a guy i would hope that trust and honesty were always first ...so yes with that in mind.... i would want him to go....i would be a little sad i couldnt go(i dont own a passport either) but i would be lovin the travel stories and the people he met whether i went or not.....and making sure he took plenty of snaps....to show me when he got back...especially ocean snaps.... ....i would grill and want to hear everything.the food the places..the peoples......... one day ....maybe you and the gf maybe even the kids too will travel and see the world together..revisit some of the places you visit as a seasoned tourist...... have a discussion with your gf and find out if she really does mind you going.....if she loves you and trusts you.vice versa......i dont believe anyone should hold another back from a positive experience..and its only four days....not A YEAR ....DEb Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted March 27, 2017 Share Posted March 27, 2017 Why doesn't she just get a passport? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
andie1969 Posted March 27, 2017 Share Posted March 27, 2017 Just an FYI, you CAN cruise without a passport IF the cruise leaves from and returns to the same port (closed loop). I've taken my daughter on 4 cruises and she doesn't have a passport, just used a birth certificate and ID card. But yes, if she wants to go with you, why doesn't she take the steps to do so? If my boyfriend wanted me to travel with him I would do whatever it takes to do so. Link to post Share on other sites
Ieris Posted March 27, 2017 Share Posted March 27, 2017 @b3st0fth3w0rst ~ I don't think you are being unreasonable at all, definitely carry on doing your annual cruise/guy trip because it's your thing. Your friends have been a part of your life and not being funny but who knows how long she will be??? So many people dump their friends once they get into a relationship but when it ends they wind up with no friends and they have no one to blame but themselves. I personally find insecure people very off-putting and wouldn't put up with their silly demands as I do not need them to sign off a permission slip to say what I can or can't do. I think they need to sort themselves out and not expect you to tiptoe around their own insecurities, especially when you haven't given them a reason to be. I think your philosophy sounds fair but I think it's good to have time away from your GF/BF and not spend every waking minute with them. Link to post Share on other sites
SunnySide0418 Posted March 27, 2017 Share Posted March 27, 2017 I think she's being unfair bc of her insecurities. Don't let her control you. I think you should go. And I'm a girl saying this. Just bc you're in a relationship doesn't mean you have to give up your boys trip or the cruise opportunity. But why can't she hey a passport? Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted March 27, 2017 Share Posted March 27, 2017 Go on the cruise. You told her up front that you travel with your guy friends, and she accepted that. She still needs to accept that, or learn to. Anyway, you can't live your life with unreasonable restrictions, always giving in to her insecurities. You'll stop respecting herself, and she may stop respecting you, too. And she should get a passport to allow her to go along with you in the future, when appropriate. Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted March 27, 2017 Share Posted March 27, 2017 So you like to travel, and she refuses to get a passport, yet gets mad when you then decide to travel without her. Is she ever going to be willing to get her passport and travel? This sounds like it could be a major compatibility problem. Link to post Share on other sites
StormyEyes Posted March 27, 2017 Share Posted March 27, 2017 Don't let this woman hold you hostage because of her own past failed relationships. You've been together for over a year, she should be able to trust you at this point. If she doesn't, something is wrong. She knows travel is important to you, it sounds as though you were up front with her from the beginning about that. She either needs to get on board or get out of the way. This is not something you need to compromise on. Travel makes you a better, more well-rouded person (Why Travel Makes You An Awesome Person | The Huffington Post). Go. Enjoy your trips. Bring her back pictures, stories, and souvenirs. Maybe you will inspire her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author b3st0fth3w0rst Posted March 27, 2017 Author Share Posted March 27, 2017 If the relationship is otherwise fine then you need to decide if the cruise is worth the disruption in the relationship. If you know she will have a problem with it and do it anyhow what does that say about how you feel about her input in the relationship? If it were me.. I would discuss it with her and go from there.. she may not have an issue with it. But if she does you will need to decide to go or not and going will have some effect on things. Thank you for your response...When i was referring to the relationship being fine "otherwise". The part i was referring to that's not fine is the insecurities, not necessarily the cruise. I do plan to discuss with her of course, but at the same time, am i to "not do" anything because either a) she can't do it either, or b) she disapproves? This would most definitely end the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author b3st0fth3w0rst Posted March 27, 2017 Author Share Posted March 27, 2017 personally if it were me i would want my guy to go....its a chance to travel and see the world.....if i was with a guy i would hope that trust and honesty were always first ...so yes with that in mind.... i would want him to go....i would be a little sad i couldnt go(i dont own a passport either) but i would be lovin the travel stories and the people he met whether i went or not.....and making sure he took plenty of snaps....to show me when he got back...especially ocean snaps.... ....i would grill and want to hear everything.the food the places..the peoples......... one day ....maybe you and the gf maybe even the kids too will travel and see the world together..revisit some of the places you visit as a seasoned tourist...... have a discussion with your gf and find out if she really does mind you going.....if she loves you and trusts you.vice versa......i dont believe anyone should hold another back from a positive experience..and its only four days....not A YEAR ....DEb I too would encourage my her to go if i couldn't make it as well. Not every single trip without me, but i wouldn't mind a couple without me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author b3st0fth3w0rst Posted March 27, 2017 Author Share Posted March 27, 2017 Why doesn't she just get a passport? Just an FYI, you CAN cruise without a passport IF the cruise leaves from and returns to the same port (closed loop). I've taken my daughter on 4 cruises and she doesn't have a passport, just used a birth certificate and ID card. But yes, if she wants to go with you, why doesn't she take the steps to do so? If my boyfriend wanted me to travel with him I would do whatever it takes to do so. I wish it were that easy. Unfortunately, with her current immigration status in the US, she can't even apply for a passport right now. She is making steps towards it, but that in itself will take some years. Link to post Share on other sites
Author b3st0fth3w0rst Posted March 27, 2017 Author Share Posted March 27, 2017 Hey thanks everyone for your responses. I just wanted to point out, she isn't purposefully not getting a passport. She is working on it, so it will take some time. Until then Her and i do travel together. Last year we went to NY and NC and i'm actually booking travel to Washington D.C. with her this May. So it isn't like we dont travel at all together. As this would be my first trip without her since we've been together, just wanted some opinions on how others would respond in this situation, and i'm finding it's inline with how i would also respond. Really appreciate all of the responses here. Thanks again. Link to post Share on other sites
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