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Just broke up with a non-boyfriend, OLD


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Old 23rd March 2017, 11:03 PM   #1
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Just broke up with a non-boyfriend, OLD

I just want everyone to know, up front, while I am a glutton for punishment with my rose-colored glasses, I really saw this non-relationship going nowhere...the hope was there...but I knew, and at some point I didn't put major investment in this non-relationship. It still hurts. (I'm most embarrassed by this because I am in my 40s)

So about a year ago, I met a guy through OLD. He lived really close, so bonus points! Our work schedules were similar, so more bonus points! We got along well on the site texting, exchange numbers, a call or two, more bonus points!

And nothing ever happened. A lot of texting, and no meeting. We talked on the phone as well a bit. He had expressed to me his frustrations with online dating and he really backed off until a woman expressed an interest in going out, and I told him, flat out, I'm interested. At some point, I was done, as it had been a good 2-3 months with no meeting, and I expressed that it was time to meet. We met. We chatted, we parted ways, no affection or kiss. The whole situation was pleasant enough, but nonplussed as far as dates go. I liked him, but getting him out to meet me was a chore, and while me and my rose-colored-glasses was up for a second try, I really didn't think he was interested. He didn't write me again.

Okay, I got that one "done," as we all know how much fretting goes into dating and meeting, does he like me, does she like me, etc. -- I was glad to mark this off the list and move on. You don't know until you tried, I tried, didn't work out, life goes on.

He wrote me a couple weeks later...yeah, a couple weeks...that he liked me. He is interested in seeing me more...and that never happened. I hold out hope because we always hope, and nothing. He would stop writing, and I would stop writing, and weeks would go by and he pops back in. At this point, I really didn't see it happening. I parted ways emotionally (mostly). We were going on 7 or 8 months at this point, and I was thinking I'd like to see if this plays out an entire year with one half-ersed date. I did get another date...a parking lot drive-by, 15 minutes, can't even grab a drink at the <whatever it is> juice bar. He sends me a heart-felt video shortly after, a love song from a country music singer. I was thinking, wow! So maybe there's something (as we forget the value of a proper date)...and weeks go by, no date, no getting together. The texting again stops.

I hardly notice when he drops off this time. I shoot a couple texts, but with no response, I drop off.

My lot in life is unavailable men, and I know I should NOT put up with this. It's "funny," because he dropped off again, and I hardly noticed, but when he wrote me, two weeks later, it hurt. Why in the world does that hurt? It shouldn't. A text from a guy that I haven't dated and don't really know who drops off the planet and is not invested should not hurt. I guess it's the idea that there could be "something" that will never happen that hurts. The idea and the dream that died.

So I officially broke it off.

And it hurts.

And it shouldn't.
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Old 24th March 2017, 9:35 AM   #2
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Quote:
*Just broke up with a non-boyfriend, OLD
*So I officially broke it off.
*My lot in life is unavailable men
Women in relationships with unavailable men feel that they have to work hard to keep their partners interested basically because you seriously donít value who you are and any dude who get near you would see this like a huge neon sign.

Unless you are willing to get some measure of professional help, donít date.
You canít break up with a ďnon-boyfriendĒ you just seemingly want to revel in misery. You need to seriously examine why.
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Old 24th March 2017, 9:44 AM   #3
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Any guy who does not or can not spend time, and I mean lots of time, with you IN PERSON is unavailable.

The sooner you learn that the less time you will waste.

If he takes too long to begin doing this then he is still unavailable. And for me, I would give him about a week or two to see this behavior. After that, it's onto the next.....and block him if he sends you the random breadcrumb text every month.
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Old 24th March 2017, 9:55 AM   #4
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Act, I feel awful for you as you seem like such a cool person and you give such good advice on here to others. You are kind and you seem so levelheaded.

You already realize love is not necessarily logical. You have a total grasp on that. In practice, though, we get caught up, even if we know things don't look positive for the future. Something just "hits us" about a specific person.

Most of us have at least one story somewhat like this one. So don't feel bad. It does happen. And we have our reasons when it does. Often it is simply because we believe the person *could* give us that real connection, and we don't want to lose that chance.

It is going to hurt. But you're wise about this. You aren't stalking the guy. You are letting go. I wish I knew what to say to make it hurt less. I will say that even when we think we are missing our "one" chance at that real connection, it does happen again. There is more than one person for each of us, no matter how special we think someone is or we are.

Accept that it will hurt, baby yourself, be gentle with yourself, don't wallow but do realize heartbreak can happen to anyone even of we think it's for "silly" reasons and that you WILL get your chance, with someone who adores you. You are too smart, kind and unique for it not to happen. Let the pain come and then go and it will get less and less.
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Old 24th March 2017, 9:57 AM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by act00 View Post
I just want everyone to know, up front, while I am a glutton for punishment with my rose-colored glasses, I really saw this non-relationship going nowhere...the hope was there...but I knew, and at some point I didn't put major investment in this non-relationship. It still hurts. (I'm most embarrassed by this because I am in my 40s)

So about a year ago, I met a guy through OLD. He lived really close, so bonus points! Our work schedules were similar, so more bonus points! We got along well on the site texting, exchange numbers, a call or two, more bonus points!

And nothing ever happened. A lot of texting, and no meeting. We talked on the phone as well a bit. He had expressed to me his frustrations with online dating and he really backed off until a woman expressed an interest in going out, and I told him, flat out, I'm interested. At some point, I was done, as it had been a good 2-3 months with no meeting, and I expressed that it was time to meet. We met. We chatted, we parted ways, no affection or kiss. The whole situation was pleasant enough, but nonplussed as far as dates go. I liked him, but getting him out to meet me was a chore, and while me and my rose-colored-glasses was up for a second try, I really didn't think he was interested. He didn't write me again.

Okay, I got that one "done," as we all know how much fretting goes into dating and meeting, does he like me, does she like me, etc. -- I was glad to mark this off the list and move on. You don't know until you tried, I tried, didn't work out, life goes on.

He wrote me a couple weeks later...yeah, a couple weeks...that he liked me. He is interested in seeing me more...and that never happened. I hold out hope because we always hope, and nothing. He would stop writing, and I would stop writing, and weeks would go by and he pops back in. At this point, I really didn't see it happening. I parted ways emotionally (mostly). We were going on 7 or 8 months at this point, and I was thinking I'd like to see if this plays out an entire year with one half-ersed date. I did get another date...a parking lot drive-by, 15 minutes, can't even grab a drink at the <whatever it is> juice bar. He sends me a heart-felt video shortly after, a love song from a country music singer. I was thinking, wow! So maybe there's something (as we forget the value of a proper date)...and weeks go by, no date, no getting together. The texting again stops.

I hardly notice when he drops off this time. I shoot a couple texts, but with no response, I drop off.

My lot in life is unavailable men, and I know I should NOT put up with this. It's "funny," because he dropped off again, and I hardly noticed, but when he wrote me, two weeks later, it hurt. Why in the world does that hurt? It shouldn't. A text from a guy that I haven't dated and don't really know who drops off the planet and is not invested should not hurt. I guess it's the idea that there could be "something" that will never happen that hurts. The idea and the dream that died.

So I officially broke it off.

And it hurts.

And it shouldn't.
Why in the world does that hurt? -- Because you are entirely too focused on the dream of having a guy/relationship, that you refuse to identify/accept reality.

Stop living in a dream world and get focused on you and your life so that you can recognize what does and doesn't work for you early. Usually, when I see someone who gets so invested in someone they've never met and stringing themselves along, it's because they feel as though they will never have anyone and will keep themselves in a holding pattern for that "one live one" they think they have found. And, you've said this, more or less, in your thread. You know exactly what's going on with you. Admitting/acknowledging the problem is the key to "fixing" it.

What has your prior relationship history been like?
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Old 24th March 2017, 10:04 AM   #6
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When was the last time you went for a drink at a bar and just flat out rejected every man who hit on you? We guys (mostly) don't have self-confidence boosting options like that. Might be good just to get out and breathe some too.
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Old 24th March 2017, 10:05 AM   #7
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This makes me wonder if he's an alcoholic... is he binging/going to rehab/ getting sober then starting the cycle over and over again?
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Old 24th March 2017, 10:12 AM   #8
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Your post leads me think he is married.
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Old 24th March 2017, 7:10 PM   #9
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Thanks everyone. I wasn't completely invested in the guy, and of course I have dated other men here and there, but every time he wrote, of course you think "this time." It just never advanced. I guess it's the loss of the idea.
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Old 25th March 2017, 1:32 AM   #10
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That's why I love the block button on OLD.

Keep your head up. Watch Your boundaries.
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