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He's sad that I'm not needy?


Hopeful30

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It can be as simple as doing laundry at the laundry place, and instead of calling him and missing him the entire hour I'm there, I just see him when I get home.

 

He asked dumb questions like "If you want alone time I don't mind at all babe." Hes sad when we are apart and I'm not running home to him. He gets sad if I spend and extra 15 minutes just chilling at work alone rather than doing everything in my power to be with him every second. I've told him he's clingy, but he sees it as love. "If I didn't love you, I wouldn't care to be around you this much." I feel like he thinks the definition of love is "attached at the hip".

 

He understands my need for space and that I enjoy my alone time, but I can see it hurts his feelings and secretly he thinks I don't love him because I enjoy being alone.

 

What is this and how can I address it? I don't know why he feels upset that he's not the center of my world. What's going on here?

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He is not sad that you are not needy, he is needy.

 

So how do I open a dialogue where we can work through his neediness?

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You tell him that you have things to do (like laundry;)) and you don't think that it's healthy to spend 24/7 together... you just establish a boundary.

 

Either he will accept this and respect your boundary, or he won't.

 

This kind of guy, would make me run for the hills... I don't ever want to be responsible for someone else's happiness. He needs to be able to stand on his own and occupy his own time occasionally.

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"If I didn't love you, I wouldn't care to be around you this much."

"If you really loved me, you would tolerate my addiction.."

 

Similar statement from your other thread, it's actually manipulative and also a red flag of emotionally abusive relationships.

 

They way i see it and this is my point of view, he's clearly wants to isolate you, he's not needy he's manipulative and kind of possessive.

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Gr8fuln2020
You tell him that you have things to do (like laundry;)) and you don't think that it's healthy to spend 24/7 together... you just establish a boundary.

 

Either he will accept this and respect your boundary, or he won't.

 

This kind of guy, would make me run for the hills... I don't ever want to be responsible for someone else's happiness. He needs to be able to stand on his own and occupy his own time occasionally.

 

I agree with BaileyB. If you have made earnest efforts to assure him that you need your space and time and that it has nothing to do with you not 'loving' or 'caring' about him and he persists with this insecure behavior, you have a problem. Continue to reassure him, but there's a point where you simply cannot be his mommy and he needs to grow up.

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Are you dating one of my exes?

 

It won't get any better/easier.

 

Run unless you like going grey!

 

Luckily that stopped after I ditched the guy. :)

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I would advise you to not go into fixing him ! Accept who he is or dump him.People dont change till they want to.

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The thing is, no matter who I end up with, there will always be a fundamental flaw. No one is perfect and I know we can all agree on that.

 

This isn't a huge issue and I can see he is trying, but my question is more how we can work on this together as a couple. This isn't me against him. This is us, and as a part of the "we" team, I'm looking to others for any helpful advice or suggestions.

 

I don't reassure him because he doesn't seek it. He doesn't require anything from me, but what I'm observing are the byproducts of his neediness. I could ignore it and it won't make things worse, other than an annoying phone call here or there. I'm trying to be a team player and strengthen this relationship.

 

I think it's unfair to put all the blame on him. For all I know, it could be me who is being too cold or distant. Don't forget you're only getting one point of view.

Edited by Hopeful30
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Gr8fuln2020
The thing is, no matter who I end up with, there will always be a fundamental flaw. No one is perfect and I know we can all agree on that.

 

This isn't a huge issue and I can see he is trying, but my question is more how we can work on this together as a couple. This isn't me against him. This is us, and as a part of the "we" team, I'm looking to others for any helpful advice or suggestions.

 

I don't reassure him because he doesn't seek it. He doesn't require anything from me, but what I'm observing are the byproducts of his neediness. I could ignore it and it won't make things worse, other than an annoying phone call here or there. I'm trying to be a team player and strengthen this relationship.

 

I think it's unfair to put all the blame on him. For all I know, it could be me who is being too cold or distant. Don't forget you're only getting one point of view.

 

Interesting...you come across as both distressed AND dismissive at the same time. Do I hear a hint of desperation in your 'voice?' A 'need' to make this work out regardless of the unhealthy signs?

 

Yes, no one is perfect, but unless this insecurity subsides, it will only get worse. So, as you have been advised to do, talk to him...again... and see what happens. If his behavior becomes bothersome, smothering it becomes or should become something of a concern to you (as it already does otherwise you would not have posted it here online).

 

Are you being cold? I have to say, if I were dating someone like you, and I have, I would be pretty in tune with what you needed w/o feeling the need to be your sole subject of existence.

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OP, you hold the power of least interest. His neediness is a measure of the gap between your levels of affection. If you were as needy as he, you'd be two peas in a pod, and you wouldn't be needy.

 

One of you two will descend into disinterest eventually.

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Look, that type of insecurity and clinginess/neediness started when he was a kid and you can't fix it. Even if you caved to his demands, he's start following you to the restroom or something or start never wanting you out of his sight so he can feel safe.

 

He's a little boy clinging to you like you're his mother's apron. He's not mature enough to even know what love is or he wouldn't be making you miserable and pushing you out of your comfort zone about this. I would find this intolerable.

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So is this your boyfriend w the issues w alcohol?

 

I'm confused here. You posted this thread asking for advice, but then when you here from ALMOST EVERYONE that you do have a problem, you say in a later post (post #9) that no, we don't really have a problem. Which is it. Do you really think you posted this thread just for the fun of it and the board is wrong, or are you in denial.

 

FWIW I agree w the others. I think that between this and the alcohol issues, you DO have a problem. It's not normal for an adult to be this needy on his romantic partner. Again, as noted before, it does seem like you have a tendency to pick guys who are serious "projects".

Edited by Imajerk17
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Scarlett.O'hara
What is this and how can I address it? I don't know why he feels upset that he's not the center of my world. What's going on here?

 

At a guess, I would say that his issue is insecurity. It may or may not be justified in his mind by how much attention and affection you give him.

 

The problem will be if it starts to become obsessive. If he starts to demand knowledge of your whereabouts 24/7 and starts making you feel guilty for doing anything without him or spending time with anyone else. *If you see any signs of that, you should be concerned that it will get worse.

 

I think your best bet is to sit him down and have a frank conversation about what both of your needs and expectations are in a relationship. Really listen to each other and set clear boundaries.

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The only issue I see here is that your two are not compatible. He has a very different idea of what a relationship should be like. It's not wrong, it's just different.

 

You can't make this work because he isn't going to budge on his expectations. He wants what he wants, and you want what you want....you need to go your separate ways.

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