"You ruined me," says ex.

[TunaInTheBrine]

About a year ago I was involved in a consensual open relationship arrangement with a woman who is engaged. We mutually ended it when we both realized we couldn't do non-monogamy and agreed not to contact each other again unless she was single.

 

Fast forward five months later and I caved. I reached out to see if she wanted to meet and catch up. I was pretty clear that my motivation was just to touch base, because I missed talking to her if nothing else. She flaked the first time, then tried to reschedule the second time, both due to "work commitments," and then I finally got her out.

 

The meeting was so distant and disconnected. She seemed like she really didn't want to be there and kept the conversation shallow. I kind of felt I was being pitied. I called her out on being aloof and then she opened up a little and said what we had was meaningful, but that she was in a different place now with her fiancé. I felt so disappointed by her blasé attitude. It kind of tainted my memories of us. I feel more connected to my sister's dog. I just wanted to get out of there.

 

Then this morning she texts me: "you ruined me, you know." What the hell? She used to tell me this when we were going through the breakup process, about how our experience could never be matched by her fiancé or her previous relationships. Why would she tell me this now after such a blasé meeting? Then she said "but it's not like I plan to do anything about those thoughts." Then what's the point of telling me that? I'm pretty confused by this.

 

The good takeaway from the meeting though is that it lessened the love hangover from the breakup, even though it tainted some of my feelings about her in the process. I should have kept no contact, and plan to do so again. I don't think I'll ever hear from her again.

[Poutrew]

OK, where do I begin on this? So am I to take it that even though this girl is going to get married, you would have had no problem engaging her in sex? You do realize this board is chock full of the betrayed, each full of their own heart wrenching tales of how someone outside their relationship destroyed their lives, right? So what exactly are you expecting any of us to tell you? That it is too bad she had the strength to turn you down, to reject you? Anyway, actions have consequences. Hers is to never have bang up sex with the man she is going to marry, because you 'ruined' her... she will always be comparing the poor slob she is going to marry to you. Maybe one night, she will actually have a real orgasm and call out your name instead of her husbands... Your consequence? Well, you did mention you feel more connected to your sister's dog. I suggest you buy that dog a bone to chew on - but don't tell your sister why. She might find it a bit icky...

[TheTraveler]

About a year ago I was involved in a consensual open relationship arrangement with a woman who is engaged. We mutually ended it when we both realized we couldn't do non-monogamy and agreed not to contact each other again unless she was single.

 

Fast forward five months later and I caved. I reached out to see if she wanted to meet and catch up. I was pretty clear that my motivation was just to touch base, because I missed talking to her if nothing else. She flaked the first time, then tried to reschedule the second time, both due to "work commitments," and then I finally got her out.

 

The meeting was so distant and disconnected. She seemed like she really didn't want to be there and kept the conversation shallow. I kind of felt I was being pitied. I called her out on being aloof and then she opened up a little and said what we had was meaningful, but that she was in a different place now with her fiancé. I felt so disappointed by her blasé attitude. It kind of tainted my memories of us. I feel more connected to my sister's dog. I just wanted to get out of there.

 

Then this morning she texts me: "you ruined me, you know." What the hell? She used to tell me this when we were going through the breakup process, about how our experience could never be matched by her fiancé or her previous relationships. Why would she tell me this now after such a blasé meeting? Then she said "but it's not like I plan to do anything about those thoughts." Then what's the point of telling me that? I'm pretty confused by this.

 

The good takeaway from the meeting though is that it lessened the love hangover from the breakup, even though it tainted some of my feelings about her in the process. I should have kept no contact, and plan to do so again. I don't think I'll ever hear from her again.

 

Thanks for telling us you're a homewrecker

[GoldSparkz]

That ship sailed a long time ago. You should have left her in the past and found the strength to move on. Contacting her knowing that she's engaged is a no no...so I'm glad she didn't take the bait when you met up again. By her using the term "you've ruined me", is her way of saying you should have left me alone.

[act00]

You knew she was engaged, but did the fiance know his bride-to-be was boinking someone else? That could cause problems for her if he found out, though it would surprise me if he's still engaged to her if he knew. Possibly she realizes this commitment she is making is not the best idea. She was still "dating" while planning to get married. Not a good sign. The fun she had (during the excitement phase) put a damper on what she's about to do - no longer able to play the field. Some people can make poly work (if this was openly poly), but for most, it doesn't.

 

In any case, she's engaged and it's just bad news to engage in a relationship with her, and even as friends is sketchy with your history. She's off limits. Best to keep it in the past.

[elaine567]

Seems you are already dating and sleeping with 4 women only 3 days ago, so why are you trying to get this poor girl to again cheat on her fiancé?

 

I am so sorry your image of her got tainted by her refusal to play ball again with you...

[TunaInTheBrine]

Umm...did anyone even read that this was a consensual non-monogamous open relationship? Her fiancé encouraged her to be with me.

 

Please, spare me the rock pelting. Thanks.

[act00]

Umm...did anyone even read that this was a consensual non-monogamous open relationship? Her fiancé encouraged her to be with me.

 

Please, spare me the rock pelting. Thanks.

 

Some of us may not know or remember every detail of your past. You stated that you were involved in a non-monogamous arrangement, so clearly YOU knew, but my question was if HE knew. Apparently he did. It's still a mess, as YOU couldn't work around this "open relationship," and since you said "we couldn't," I suspect she was having difficulty around it as well, and she chose to stay with him, so let it go.

[Popsicle]

There is no profound or special love (like you think when you're in it) in an affair.

 

Umm...did anyone even read that this was a consensual non-monogamous open relationship? Her fiancé encouraged her to be with me.

 

Yeah well, nobody cares. It's still disgusting. Just telling you the truth.

Edited March 17, 2017 by Popsicle

[TunaInTheBrine]

Seems you are already dating and sleeping with 4 women only 3 days ago, so why are you trying to get this poor girl to again cheat on her fiancé?

 

I am so sorry your image of her got tainted by her refusal to play ball again with you...

 

I was not/am not looking to get into a romantic relationship with her again. The experience was hell for the both of us, even though it was an ethical, open, consensual non-monogamous relationship.

 

Yeah, I am seeing other women, but those relationships really have not been satisfying to me on a human connection level. Her and I had a very special connection when we were together, and my motivation for meeting was wanting a reminder that special connections are possible. My fantasy was that we would have a nice, safe meeting, and maybe meet up once every couple of months thereafter to maintain an open channel.

 

So, my disappointment isn't about her and I not getting romantically involved again, at least not while she's with someone. I wouldn't do that to myself or her again. My disappointment is that I wanted to be reminded that I had someone who I connected with in a deep and meaningful way. I just had a breakup too that I'm still trying to mend. When we met, the beautiful memories I had of us seemed tainted and shattered.

 

Like I said, although it wasn't the meeting I had hoped for, in another way it helped me to heal whatever heartache was leftover from my past with her. Knowing there's nothing there for her, it feels frivolous to allow myself to maintain any feelings for her in return. If we follow the original plan of her reaching out to me again one day if she's single and we reconnect then, I'd be open to knowing her again. But as it stands now, it's just a waste of emotion on my part to feel for her.

[Curiousroxy86]

About a year ago I was involved in a consensual open relationship arrangement with a woman who is engaged. We mutually ended it when we both realized we couldn't do non-monogamy and agreed not to contact each other again unless she was single.

 

Fast forward five months later and I caved. I reached out to see if she wanted to meet and catch up. I was pretty clear that my motivation was just to touch base, because I missed talking to her if nothing else. She flaked the first time, then tried to reschedule the second time, both due to "work commitments," and then I finally got her out.

 

The meeting was so distant and disconnected. She seemed like she really didn't want to be there and kept the conversation shallow. I kind of felt I was being pitied. I called her out on being aloof and then she opened up a little and said what we had was meaningful, but that she was in a different place now with her fiancé. I felt so disappointed by her blasé attitude. It kind of tainted my memories of us. I feel more connected to my sister's dog. I just wanted to get out of there.

 

Then this morning she texts me: "you ruined me, you know." What the hell? She used to tell me this when we were going through the breakup process, about how our experience could never be matched by her fiancé or her previous relationships. Why would she tell me this now after such a blasé meeting? Then she said "but it's not like I plan to do anything about those thoughts." Then what's the point of telling me that? I'm pretty confused by this.

 

The good takeaway from the meeting though is that it lessened the love hangover from the breakup, even though it tainted some of my feelings about her in the process. I should have kept no contact, and plan to do so again. I don't think I'll ever hear from her again.

what you reach out to her for though? she told your behind she cant do non monogamy. if you were not ready why you darkened her door step? gone with that

[elaine567]

So, my disappointment isn't about her and I not getting romantically involved again, at least not while she's with someone. I wouldn't do that to myself or her again. My disappointment is that I wanted to be reminded that I had someone who I connected with in a deep and meaningful way. I just had a breakup too that I'm still trying to mend. When we met, the beautiful memories I had of us seemed tainted and shattered.

 

I found that out when I had a brilliant holiday once, it was with some friends from college and we had a great time and some of the places we visited were truly magical.

Fast forward a few years, I decided to go back to the same places with my then bf - big mistake. No magic.

I then learned never to go back, things are never really the same. Better to keep moving forward and find new magic.

[kendahke]

She sounds like a user to me.

 

She needed to be on block the minute you parted ways.

 

So, she's going to go live a life of quiet desperation instead of getting out of that and being with you? I feel sorry for her fiance... he doesn't know he doesn't measure up (like I'm sure she's told him that) and is being used to get her the "Mrs". title, the big white dress and the party.

 

They'll be divorced within 5 years and she will then start looking for you, if not before while her marriage is breaking up.

Edited March 17, 2017 by kendahke

[smackie9]

From my perspective she got into something she couldn't handle. She did it to please her fiance? possibly she is a pleaser. Open relationships are usually just about sex, not falling in love. Her fiance may know she was having a sexual affair but doesn't know that feelings got involved. IMO it take a certain kind of person to emotionally detached to do open relationships. I don't think she is one of those, now she is very confused.

 

She avoided you for a reason...she wants to detach emotionally and was worried how she was going to handle seeing you again. "You ruined her" is just her way of saying she has fallin in love with you BUT, she doesn't want it. She wants to keep her life with her fiance. She's just having a terrible time letting it go. So she has made her decision to cut you off for good, and build a life with her fiance instead.

 

Now you must just get over it and respect her wishes.

[TunaInTheBrine]

Now you must just get over it and respect her wishes.

 

Agreed 100%

[Miss Peach]

Umm...did anyone even read that this was a consensual non-monogamous open relationship? Her fiancé encouraged her to be with me.

 

Please, spare me the rock pelting. Thanks.

 

That's how I took your post. I've found a lot of people confused about non-monogamous arrangements here on LS. I was attacked too when I posted my attempts at poly.

 

Was it just supposed to be sex? Or was it more of a poly arrangement?

 

None of us really know what's going on with her but my suspicion is she's trying to emotionally distance herself from you because she's trying to get over it and doesn't want to get sucked back in.

 

I have only one ex I'm friends with and for him I had to go on my own for a few months to get over it before I could be his friend. I don't feel people can go from a relationship to friends overnight. There needs to be some time to get back to center in between.

[TunaInTheBrine]

That's how I took your post. I've found a lot of people confused about non-monogamous arrangements here on LS. I was attacked too when I posted my attempts at poly.

 

Was it just supposed to be sex? Or was it more of a poly arrangement?

 

None of us really know what's going on with her but my suspicion is she's trying to emotionally distance herself from you because she's trying to get over it and doesn't want to get sucked back in.

 

I have only one ex I'm friends with and for him I had to go on my own for a few months to get over it before I could be his friend. I don't feel people can go from a relationship to friends overnight. There needs to be some time to get back to center in between.

 

Thanks for recognizing the complexity of the situation. I appreciate it.

 

They were not very communicative with each other at the start of our relationship what it was supposed to be about, but his motto always was: "as long as you're happy and we're still together, I'm okay with whatever." She did clue him into the depth of the relationship as it progressed and we considered elevating our relationship to a higher status (e.g. multiple primary relationship model of polyamory), but he wasn't even open to discussing it with her when she tried to bring it up. So our options then became (1) settle for the crumbs we have, (2) she leaves him for me, or (3) we break up. We both chose #3 because it was the right thing to do given the situation, even if it hurt. There was no way she was going to abandon a relationship of 10 years for a guy she's known 3 months, and I wasn't willing to wait while she figures it out. Too much emotional exhaustion. And if she did choose to leave him for me, that is no way to start a relationship. The right thing to do seemed to let her go and for them to give it a fair shot, and if things didn't work out between them in their renewed monogamy lifestyle and she left him, maybe one day she would contact me. We had to say goodbye. We spent five days together to celebrate our love before we said goodbye on a date we picked in advance. It was the most beautiful and tragic thing. I've never seen someone cry like that before. My heart ripped. I love her.

 

I don't know what's going on with her either. I miss just talking to her. Her humanness. But like you said, it's hard for her to meet up. I mean, I could do it once in awhile while I'm dating other women and keep things platonic, but my sense is that doesn't feel appropriate to her. "You're not a friend" was what she told me the other night. "You were something different." She left me feeling distanced and foolish, but her text the next morning "you ruined me" screwed me up. Would have been nice to process that in person.

 

Bah, I'm rambling at this point. I'm going to stop now.

Edited March 17, 2017 by TunaInTheBrine

[BluesPower]

Tuna, I get where you are coming from. But I don't understand why you choose option 3. Were you just falling to much in love with her? And you wanted more? I mean if you were not monogamous to start with, it seems like you could have seen each other just try not to get serious.

 

But I guess for both of you if the love aspect got to be to much then I would understand both of you breaking it off.

 

Further, I am guessing the her and her F were and are in more of an open R type of thing and less of an actual poly thing. Because if the were truly poly it would seem like having two loving romantic relationships would have been great for both of them.

 

To OP and peach, I really don't understand why so many people are just down on non-monogamy in general.

 

I am NM at this point in my life and I could actually go more poly in the right situation. I enjoy spending time with the girls I go out with, not just the sexual aspect of it. They are all different and they all bring something kind of cool into my life.

 

But it also seems that after a while with a particular GF sometimes they seem to get a little possessive with me and I have had to end it with some really cool women. I just don't understand why it has to be that way?

[TunaInTheBrine]

Tuna, I get where you are coming from. But I don't understand why you choose option 3. Were you just falling to much in love with her? And you wanted more? I mean if you were not monogamous to start with, it seems like you could have seen each other just try not to get serious.

 

But I guess for both of you if the love aspect got to be to much then I would understand both of you breaking it off.

 

Further, I am guessing the her and her F were and are in more of an open R type of thing and less of an actual poly thing. Because if the were truly poly it would seem like having two loving romantic relationships would have been great for both of them.

 

To OP and peach, I really don't understand why so many people are just down on non-monogamy in general.

 

I am NM at this point in my life and I could actually go more poly in the right situation. I enjoy spending time with the girls I go out with, not just the sexual aspect of it. They are all different and they all bring something kind of cool into my life.

 

But it also seems that after a while with a particular GF sometimes they seem to get a little possessive with me and I have had to end it with some really cool women. I just don't understand why it has to be that way?

 

Hey, thanks for chiming in. It's always nice to see more representation around here of people who are understanding of non-monogamy. There is a lot of stigma out there.

 

We chose option 3 because, yeah, we were falling pretty hard in love and I couldn't handle it. Neither of us were super experienced in polyamory before, but I had a few experiences as a secondary partner and she had one as a secondary partner as well. So we were feeling ambitious.

 

There came a point where she didn't really want me seeing other women, and although she knew she couldn't stop me, at a point I didn't want to see other women and wound up cutting things off with the others just to focus on her. I started to want more from her than just sleeping over 1 or 2x/week. I mean, there's only one Christmas, one New Years, one Valentine's Day, etc... and what was I going to do while she was with her fiancé on these days? There are certain privileges that come with a primary or monogamous partnership. As a result, I felt like I was being forced to settle for crumbs.

 

My offered solution was that we go deeper and do a multiple primary poly model, be 'out', and that would help me to feel more comfortable, even if she stayed with him...really, I just wanted more of her. Her solution was we keep doing what we were already doing for another year or so, not being public about what we're up to, all while she figures out if she's willing to leave him. It was too emotional and messy for me, and it started to feel like an affair with the emotional involvement. I fell in love with her really hard. We started going on vacations together and spending weekends together. I realized I wanted monogamy after all...if not with her, then with someone. She realized it was too intense for her as well, and that if we did break up, she was done with trying poly. She felt incredibly guilty over the depth of what we were up to in our relationship, but she just couldn't leave her fiancé and I didn't want her to either...at least not for these reasons. That would have been an awful way to start a monogamous relationship between us.

 

If culture were more permissible of non-monogamous relationship arrangements, I sincerely believe that would have resolved our conflicts. There would have been no need for secrecy, families and communities could be aware of our relationship, and she wouldn't be dealing with as much guilt. I could come to LoveShack and talk about it without being pelted with rocks. Other than her fiancé, NO ONE knew she was poly, and no one else knew about us except a few people close to me. She felt incredibly bad about the secrecy. I really loved her and just wanted to enjoy the depth of our relationship more. What little awareness she clued her fiance into about our emotional involvement did not go over well. I really didn't want to screw him over either. It became obvious that it just wasn't possible for us to find something that worked for us both, and I believed I deserved more from someone who could give it to me. She grew tired of feeling conflicted over who to spend her time with and seeing me hurt. We just couldn't work it out. I would never wish on anyone the emotional pain she and I went through toward the end.

 

Sometimes I wonder if I should have just kept seeing more women, detached from her emotionally while she figures things out, and see where things go over time. But she became very special to me in ways I really didn't see coming, and I couldn't handle the initial arrangement anymore. I really felt a love for this person I can't explain...one of just wanting to see them to live a good life and watch them grow until death. But I also need to live a good life and this was not the best I am capable of. We both agreed we were each other's best sex partner - my God, the sex was out of this world. I miss talking to her and just listening to her voice more than anything. She really pissed me off sometimes with some of her ways, but strangely, the fighting always brought us closer.

 

It's really nice these days not to feel the intense pain and longing for her that I used to while we were going through it all. I'm still bummed that we couldn't have a positive meeting, but I get where she's coming from and that really it's on me to let it go.

Edited March 17, 2017 by TunaInTheBrine

[Gr8fuln2020]

Whoa. A triangle of dysfunctional people.