Woman at work giving me mixed signals.

[rh205]

I’m after some advice as to what to do about a work colleague who seems to be showing some interest but not quite enough for me to be 100% sure. She is 23 and I am 28. It’s hard to tell as she seems to blow hot and cold throughout the day. However it’s not uncommon for my other colleagues to act differently towards the end of the shift (due to tiredness) than at the beginning so this may go some way to explain why she goes cold later in the day. Also as we both work in the nursing field it’s difficult to tell as we have to act professional and this may be suppressing some of the signs and limiting what can be said.

 

The team is quite close knit with many of us being friends and socialising with each other outside the work place and many of the team frequently go on nights out together.

 

Over the past few months she has been touching me / slapping my arm as she walks past. But according to another male co-worker she does this to them as well. She also frequently makes comments about the size of my waistline (which is slim). She sounds impressed when she mentions it. One thing she does that she doesn’t appear to do to the others is hug me quite often. She has on more than one occasion said to patients that I am ‘a lovely lovely man’ and ‘he is my rose’. Recently she asked how it was going with my now ex and when I said that it was over she seemed pleased and in an upbeat tone said ‘Oh really’. There was no I’m sorry to hear that or the usual phrases you would expect.

 

A couple of weeks ago on Valentine’s Day she kept slapping my arm as she walked past and at one point looked over her shoulder and winked at me down the corridor. Also as I was working in a different room she kept joking that I didn’t want to work with her and that I was avoiding her even though she knew that it wasn’t my choice as we are assigned rooms by the manager. I also kept finding that if I hadn’t been to her area for a while then she would come to mine even though it wasn’t en-route. At the end of the shift other co-workers were joking about me taking them out for dinner and out of the blue she said it. However judging by her tone she didn’t appear to be joking and when I said no (as at the time I thought she was also joking) she despairingly said ‘oh well I suppose I’ll go out for a drink with my friend instead then.’

 

A couple of days ago we were working together and I asked her if she went out for a drink with her friend and she said ‘yes’ in a rather solemn tone of voice. I then suggested that maybe we could go for a drink and her voice immediately changed and she said ‘so you want to go for a drink now’ in an enthusiastic tone. However when I suggested we could invite several others her tone once again changed and she didn’t seem too impressed with this idea. At this point the conversation died and we carried on with our tasks without any further mention of it. I noticed that throughout the remainder of the day she seemed to be going out of her way to help me even if this meant stopping what she was doing. It was as if she was always there or trying to impress me by helping with tasks that only required one person.

 

At one point when I could see she was busy I went to get another colleague to help me but when the colleague walked into the room she immediately stopped what she was doing and marched up to them, placing herself between me and my colleague and rather abruptly said ‘I’ll help him’. Neither I nor my colleague knew what to make of this bizarre behaviour.

 

Having spoken to another colleague he said that before Christmas he overheard her and another female colleague talking about how they have friends with benefits. However he says that she went on to say that she was looking for an English boyfriend. This confused me as it seems strange that on the one hand she’s saying she has friends with benefits yet on the other she’s saying she’s after a boyfriend. I can’t work out if she has said this to ‘fit in’ as the other colleague is one of the ‘in’ crowd or if she is being serious. Could it be that she was saying that at present she has friends with benefits but is now looking to have a serious relationship? Could it also be that she has had bad experiences with males from her country in the past hence why she went down the friends with benefits route before now deciding she wants an English boyfriend?

 

I’m confused as to why she seemed put off by the idea of inviting others despite it not being unusual for several of us to go out together. The only reasons I can think of are 1) she is serious about having a relationship and doesn’t want another person there as a ‘gooseberry’ or 2) She sees me as friends with benefits material and knows that my friend is likely to ruin everything by bailing me out at the first sign of trouble.

My friend suggested that I do nothing for a few weeks to see if she gives off more signs at work and see if she is going to another work colleagues leaving party. He said that by seeing her at the party I could see how she acts towards me outside the work environment and if things start going bad then there would be plenty of people around to bail me out. If she isn’t going to the party then I know several colleagues I could call upon to arrange something which she might go to.

 

My questions are: what do you make of this woman? Is it wise to go out for a drink with her on my own or should I go with a group first? Do you think she is entertaining the idea of a relationship? What is the best thing to say to find out exactly what she wants and whether or not she likes me?

[preraph]

To me, she sounds like a general flirt and I wouldn't take it seriously at all. Unless you're English....

[act00]

She seems attracted to you, seeks attention from you, but it's hard to say what she's after.

 

Getting involved with coworkers can be a slippery slope.

 

Since the group meets on occasion outside of work, that could give you an opportunity to just get to know her a little better in a non-work, casual environment. I agree with your friend to just see how things progress in the work place.

 

She seems a bit aggressive in that when you needed assistance and called on other colleagues, she dumped her own responsibility to insert herself to assist you, almost possessive, and I find this a little strange and alarming. If you do date, how will your relationship affect your work and patient care? Will she get uptight when you seek assistance from other female colleagues or socialize with them as you already do, or seemingly give them more attention than her? This woman may not be the best path if her behavior is such, right now, when you're not even dating.

[rh205]

To me, she sounds like a general flirt and I wouldn't take it seriously at all. Unless you're English....

 

Yes I am English.

 

It makes me wonder though why she said that she wants an English boyfriend as most of my other colleagues throughout the hospital either have boyfriends / partners from their own country or state that they will only date men from their own country. The only reason I can think of is that she has had a bad experience with Spanish men hence why she went down the FWB route before deciding that she wants an English boyfriend instead.

 

Any ideas why she would say this?

[coolheadal]

Nothing with her and you. Just working together that's all. You on the other hand why are you just don't ask her if she's seeing someone else. Just say there is event coming up in a few weeks I am sure your boy friend is going to take you to that event right? See what she said. Do not ask her out yet until you know where you stand with her. If she's with someone or not. Then there is a gender of preference you have to consider that as well. No matter what you hear from the others on your team you still need to check out for yourself. Don't assume things because you can make yourself look foolish at the end. If I was you just go on with your work and stay focus with that you seem to worry too much of what she's doing. Women of today are so complex you can't figure them out no one can. She doing whatever she pleases. Even if you know what type of man she wants you have that info now. I do not see anything that points to her interest in your other than a team worker friend. So your not Friend-Zone Plus who would get kissed, huge, you can date and yet not really be serious about each other. I wouldn't even ask her out. Go find someone else that wants to be with you. Right now it's just tease and flirt not even a fling.

[TheTraveler]

I then suggested that maybe we could go for a drink and her voice immediately changed and she said ‘so you want to go for a drink now’ in an enthusiastic tone. However when I suggested we could invite several others her tone once again changed and she didn’t seem too impressed with this idea.

 

You finally offer to go for drinks after months upon months and she's enthusiastic about it, then you decided to throw coworkers in it:lmao: What are you doing?

[smackie9]

OK let me give you some advice...never worry about "signals". If you are attracted to someone you go bold and ask then out...it's that simple. You waste soooooo muuuch time looking for signals/analyzing things over and over....you are being a chicken. You want success? Be confident, stop being afraid of women.

[rh205]

You finally offer to go for drinks after months upon months and she's enthusiastic about it, then you decided to throw coworkers in it:lmao: What are you doing?

 

It is her behaviour on and after Valentines Day that has caught my attention recently. Before this she didn't do enough to make me question whether she liked me. The signs appear to be more frequent and more noticeable now. Beforehand I never really gave it a second thought as I was in a relationship and she knew this so we both knew that nothing would happen between us.

 

I am English and she has stated that she wants an English boyfriend and she appears to be giving off signs of attraction.

 

Therefore could it be that she is interested in me and has reached the point in her life where she is ready to have serious monogamous relationships rather than friends with benefits.

 

Am overthinking this in that the reason she doesn't want to go out with me and my co-workers is because it is me she is interested in and wants to get to know me without them around. In other words she wants a perfectly normal date which doesn't include my colleagues.

 

She is on leave this week so I won't see her until next week. Should I just bite the bullet and ask her out or ask her what she thinks of me?

 

What is the best way to approach this?

 

What would you say if you were in my position?

[rh205]

Another thing I have noticed is that two of my work colleagues who she is friends with appear to be being more friendly towards me and frequently say hi and smile at me when they see me. It makes me think that they know something.

Edited February 28, 2017 by rh205

[rh205]

Today she kept referring to me as 'my'. so for example she kept saying how are you my Robert? or Are you alright my Robert?

 

This struck me as odd as the word 'my' is defined as belonging to or associated to the speaker and yet I don't 'belong' to her as I am a work colleague not her boyfriend.

 

Has anyone got any advice on how best to proceed with this?

Edited March 1, 2017 by rh205

[Been]

From experience I wouldnt do anything with anyone I work with.

If it goes bad you will hate coming to work.

Based on your posts she seems to be "shopping" for a boyfriend.

[rh205]

A week has past and she appears to have been displaying some interest. So I have decided to post an update. In order to maintain clarity and anonymity I will call her ‘Grace’.

 

Firstly I and a colleague had a bit of a disagreement as she decided to take it upon herself to shout orders down the corridor at me despite her being the same pay grade as me. I walked up to her and asked to speak to her in one of the staff only rooms about it. As we entered the room and I started to explain the problem Grace entered and asked me ‘Is everything alright?’ She completely ignored the other colleague. Before I had the chance to explain she flung her arms round me and said ‘Robert everything will be alright’. Both me and my colleague were left speechless by this and decided to end our conversation.

 

A couple of hours later when some of my other work colleagues were on break I went to help Grace in her room as her buzzers had been going for a while and my end had gone quiet. Afterwards she turned to my work colleagues and said ‘He’s a good HCA as he helped me in my room’. After a few seconds of murmuring of agreement from the others she then burst out with ‘he’s the best HCA’. This appeared to shock some of my colleagues and I could sense an air of bewilderment. After some hesitation she added ‘because he helped me in my room’. This confused me as clearly because of the hesitation she hadn’t intended to add the second part.

 

Several hours later when I and my colleagues were in the kitchen she looked stressed and asked if any of us had seen the blood sugar machine. When I told her I had already done the blood sugars she blurted ‘Robert, I could kiss you’. My colleagues heard this and jokingly said ‘you’re in there Robert’. At the time I was speechless as there was a relative nearby so didn’t know what to say as I didn’t want to look unprofessional. Part of me thinks she said because she was grateful as it was one less thing for her to do but part of me wonders if she meant it.

 

In recent days she keeps touching my arm and putting her arm around me and asking if I’m alright. If I go quiet or look unhappy she is the first person to ask if I’m alright and will often give me a hug. She also joked that she misses me all the time but I’m not sure how to take this. Would a woman say something like this in a joking manner in order to hide the fact that she does really?

 

We are both going to be working nights together soon so this will give me the opportunity to see how she acts around other males as at the moment I’m the only male on days. Also as nights tend to be quieter it will give me more time to talk to her.

 

When I was talking to her the other day she didn’t seem too happy about the fact that she was going onto nights. However when I told her that I think we are working some nights together she seemed pleased and more upbeat by this.

 

Should I ask her out or wait for more signs and see how she acts on nights?

[VeveCakes]

Stop flirting and do your job. You're paid to work not flirt.

 

Seriously, this is very unprofessional.

 

If you like her, contact her OUTSIDE of work and ask her out properly. That is the only way you know.

 

If you are too chicken then your loss. Stop analyzing her every move. Grow a pair and make a move, and for the love of God stop with the work flirting.

[Shanex]

Ask her out, it's about damn time, and you are over analyzing everything reading your long posts here.

[frigginlost]

You could open your purse and hand her your testicles explaining "I have no use for these".

 

(Or you could stop analyzing, take a shot, and ask her out. Which is what you should do)

[smackie9]

bock,bock,bock,bock,bock,begowwwwk!

[rh205]

Thanks for the advice. I must admit there seems to be a lot of clear signs and I feel stupid for not acting sooner. It's strange how when we work in the same room she blows hot and cold and yet when we don't she seems alright and often comes to check on me several times during the day. I wonder if its a lack of alone time / space type thing. She did seem pleased and happy when I told her I'm working tomorrow and she said in an upbeat tone 'So i'll be working with you again tomorrow'. I sense that my colleagues know something by the way they are acting towards me and feel it's time to take it out of the workplace and keep it out of there from now on as I don't want it to start affecting my work or be seen as unprofessional.

Edited March 8, 2017 by rh205

[act00]

Her behavior is a bit childish, but I guess she's not that far out of high school. She certainly doesn't understand professional behavior at work. This will not go over well if things don't work out between you two. Imagine her behavior on the other end of the spectrum. Are you getting "play-shmoochie" with her too? Stop.

 

She clearly seems interested, so if you think she can behave as a professional adult if you two don't work out, just ask her out.

[VeveCakes]

I sense that my colleagues know something by the way they are acting towards me and feel it's time to take it out of the workplace and keep it out of there from now on as I don't want it to start affecting my work or be seen as unprofessional.

 

I'm glad you are doing this. This will protect your job, as management always notices these things.

[rh205]

Over the past week she appears to have upped the ante and her flirting has increased. It’s getting to the point where every time I pass her she calls me by my nickname, touches my arm or smiles every time our eyes meet. She has said several things to me including ‘I’m after a nice English boyfriend’ (She has also said this to another colleague several months ago) and when we were discussing the work night out she said ‘I want you to sit next to me, in fact I’m going to make sure you sit next to me, You can sit this close to me (pointing at her hip, as if to indicate close enough to touch hips). In another incident she abruptly announced ‘you’re flirting with someone because you’re smiling’ (I was looking down at my phone) moments later she followed me into a side room and said how she used to think ‘Oh, there’s that man again but now I think you’re friendly’. At first I thought how rude but then thought was her talking to me in the side room moments later about how she views me her reaction to a wrongly perceived threat in that she thought she was about to lose me.

 

Anyway fast forward to the day in question and in the morning I turn up and the night shift start jokingly calling my nickname, she heard this and announced to them ‘Only I’m allowed to call him that’. They went quiet and said no more about. During the morning she said to me ‘I used to think oh, there’s that man again but now I think you’re the best one here’.

 

During the early afternoon a work colleague turned to me and said ‘you like her don’t you’ and based on the fact that she had been flirting and everything she had said and her behaviour that morning I said ‘yes’. I thought there’s no point denying it as the truth will come out eventually and it will look better if I’m truthful. I also didn’t think she would tell her but she did.

 

She asked me and I said yes she said ‘I’m sorry I’m already dating’. I was taken aback and completely baffled as all the signs appeared to be positive. I went back to doing my work but was still reeling as I wasn't expecting her to say that. My other colleague said that she was dating a Spanish man and that I was too late. Several strange things make me question this: She continued to behave as if nothing had been said afterwards, continued to touch my arm and also she said she was after an English boyfriend so it’s odd that within a week she had a Spanish boyfriend. Also I would have thought she would distance herself and display defensive body language but she didn’t.

 

Also I would have thought if she had started dating someone her flirting and attention towards me would decrease not increase as it had been doing all week. I mean surely she would pour her attention and energy into her new relationship rather than me.

 

I was speaking to several workmates outside work and they all seem sure that she definitely hasn’t got a boyfriend and agree it’s strange to say you’re after an English boyfriend then get a Spanish one. But they can’t seem to work out what’s going on. I’m sure with her looks she must get hit on all the time and I am inclined to agree with one of my work mates who said it could of been a test to see if I am genuine or just after sex. I mean if I reacted as if nothing has happened then she may see this as I was after sex but if I reacted badly and looked 'hurt' or taken aback then she may conclude that I was being genuine.

 

I did notice how her other two colleagues had been going on about their partners all morning and I wondered whether it could that she made up that she was in a relationship in order to ‘fit in’ with them and I caught her off guard and in order to prevent her lie being exposed she quickly said ‘I’m sorry I’m already dating’.

 

We are all going out later this month and the way things were going and how she was acting last wednesday I said to one my work mates that something may be said on the night as I sensed she was plotting something. So I wonder if she was waiting for then and I caught her off guard and unprepared and so in order to get out the situation she used the 'I'm dating' line.

 

I would love to hear your thoughts on this and whether she does or doesn’t have a boyfriend. Do you think she is saying she’s not interested or is testing me?

Edited May 13, 2017 by rh205

[Quasar]

I know this type as I've dealt with it in the work place before. They can be so disruptive and are often hated on for being so crazy. She likely already knows you like her.

 

Yes, she can actually have more than one boyfriend and she will try to hide it until the last minute because having guys think she is single makes her more desirable. She likely has more than 1 guy like you (besides her boyfriends) wrapped around her finger but you may not know about the others. She completely relies on her looks and flirting to try to get ahead in life. She is disinhibited and I am sure you've heard others complain about her being inappropriate/immature. If I were to guess, I think your crush has some sort of cluster B personality disorder.

 

I am sorry you had the misfortune to fall for this type, but you need to stay far away from her. Hopefully you can transfer or schedule shifts to not be with her at the same time. Even if she wants to date you, you should not agree to it. She is bad news.

[joseb]

First off I keep work and personal life separate. Without exception. So I never get into messes like this

 

But if you are interested in someone in future then you do something about it. You ask them out. You don't spend days, weeks, months analysing everything they do to see if you are 100% sure they like you.

 

Cause you now what...even if they did, they probably wouldn't anymore after all that.

[preraph]

From what you said about how she burst in on you during a meeting with a colleague and bursts out with the things she says, I think she's a looney tune. And you could never hope that she would ever be discreet at work! She sounds really nutty to me.

 

And then your update about her already having a boyfriend and how could she if she acts like this to me -- well,HELLO, this is how nutty and how NOT a good girlfriend she is! This woman is no catch. Just being flirty doesn't make a woman a good person or a good catch. just an easy one.

[OnlyHonesty]

Girls that age are inconsistent, blow hot and cold, and are fickle. She probably does have a bf, but at that age, nothing is taken seriously anyway so he could be anyone really.

 

Your problem is that you are taking someone seriously, that doesn't even know who they are yet. You are also in danger of becoming obsessed. That begins with the over analyzation, then constant thoughts of will she, won't she, and then watching her every move.

 

I will tell you exactly what she wants.....your attention, your adoration, your focus, your energy, your time, and your ability to help make her working day move a lot faster. She will get from you, what ever is missing from her bf. She will get attention, emotional connection and fun from you, and then she will get the sex from her bf...

 

Far too many people still flirt when they have a partner, or respond to flirt attempts from others.

 

My advice to you is to cease all flirting, cease all attention, and direct your thoughts elsewhere. This girl is not to be invested in, or taken seriously. If you do so, you will regret it.

[C.JunioR]

She is crazy and so are you for going along with all this. She already told you she's dating someone. Whether it's the truth or a 'plot' to test you or whatsoever, she is not someone you'll want to be in a relationship with, in or out of the workplace, if you have any ounce of self-respect or professionalism.

 

Forget all this and focus on your work please. Your patients count on it.