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Dating after a breakup?


mischalove

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Hey all. I'm new to the boards. I am about a month out from a breakup after a 2.5 year long relationship. I was devastated but have since realized it is probably for the best as I do not think our relationship was as strong as I told myself it was. He changed his mind about wanting children and along with thinking we had some other incompatibility issues and me putting some pressure on him to commit, he ended our relationship. I am 36 and it was the longest relationship I have ever had. He was married for a few years in his 20's. I am passed being angry and am just grieving the loss of him, our little life and our potential future.

 

I decided to jump right back into dating which is totally out of character for me, but I am 36 and still want a marriage and family. I went on a coffee date a few days ago and while the date itself was nice I came home and cried because it was weird to be out with another man on top of the fact that I still feel a little lost. I'm in a new apt that still doesn't feel like 'home', likely because my ex isn't here and struggling to not let myself get depressed. The guy I met has a lot to offer and is RIGHT on the same page as me. I have a second date scheduled and am looking forward to it, but I'm not sure if it is too soon.

 

Looking for any input, advice or experience. Like I said I have never been in a relationship this long so i don't know what is 'normal'.

 

THANK YOU!

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I think most people can understand the urge to get back out there immediately after a break-up. We get used to the comforts of the relationship. We want them back. I also think most people would advise taking more time than a month after the loss of a 2+ year relationship.

 

As a man with no desire for children I say wait a while and gather yourself. However, you've mentioned children as a priority, so I feel that it isn't my place to say.

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Hi there :)

 

Sorry to hear that you are fresh out of a break up :( That being said, only a month out of a 2.5 year relationship is way too soon in my opinion. The fact that you went home and cried after your date bc it wasn't your ex is a huge sign that you are not ready to date others. It is also not fair to the guy(s) that you are seeing. You are probably going to have some mixed emotions over the next few weeks/months and you have to give yourself time to heal completely from your last relationship. This is why I never respond to guys online who say they are "fresh out of a relationship"...because they are most likely looking for a distraction while their feelings are elsewhere. If you still choose to date I would be up front and even put on your profile (if you are online dating) that you are fresh out of a relationship and either want to casually date or take things slow. I know that you want a family, but if you date before you are truly ready, you may miss an opportunity with a great guy because of unresolved baggage.

 

In the meantime I would focus more on your social life with your immediate friends. A good night out can do wonders. Dating (especially online dating) may even make you feel more depressed and make you miss your ex more if you are not in the right state of mind because lots of people are not honest and/or flakey.

 

I have been where you are and I hope you get better. And by the way, congrats on the new apartment!! I know it feels lonely and not very homey now but it will soon! Maybe you and your girlfriends can take on a little project and go find fabulous things to decorate your new place with!! :)

 

Keep us updated and good luck! I wish you the best!

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Thank you for your very thoughtful responses. <3

I'm very grateful to have found a forum like this. My initial reaction is that it is too soon based on my response. I have progressed pretty well and if my ex came to me and wanted to get back together I can honestly say I wouldn't. I have a lot of clarity and don't believe us being together is for the best for either of us. So I have a sense of peace about it, but definitely still grieving the loss.

At any rate, I was going to try to be vague with the guy I went on the date with but I don't operate like that and told him the truth. I'm hoping that works in my favor if it feels like too much I can ask him to slow down or even see each other as friends at this point. He has too much to offer for me to not at least follow through with a second date. But if I come home in tears again I will definitely have to take a step back and I SO APPRECIATE your kind responses! So helpful and yes online dating. ;)

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Hey all. I'm new to the boards. I am about a month out from a breakup after a 2.5 year long relationship. I was devastated but have since realized it is probably for the best as I do not think our relationship was as strong as I told myself it was. He changed his mind about wanting children and along with thinking we had some other incompatibility issues and me putting some pressure on him to commit, he ended our relationship. I am 36 and it was the longest relationship I have ever had. He was married for a few years in his 20's. I am passed being angry and am just grieving the loss of him, our little life and our potential future.

 

I decided to jump right back into dating which is totally out of character for me, but I am 36 and still want a marriage and family. I went on a coffee date a few days ago and while the date itself was nice I came home and cried because it was weird to be out with another man on top of the fact that I still feel a little lost. I'm in a new apt that still doesn't feel like 'home', likely because my ex isn't here and struggling to not let myself get depressed. The guy I met has a lot to offer and is RIGHT on the same page as me. I have a second date scheduled and am looking forward to it, but I'm not sure if it is too soon.

 

Looking for any input, advice or experience. Like I said I have never been in a relationship this long so i don't know what is 'normal'.

 

THANK YOU!

 

I see a lot of EX in your post. You're going to rebound with someone, but hopefully you will find the the right one.

 

You're on a time frame of sooner is better than later having a family. GL!

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lionlover1973

I recall after breaking up with my very first boyfriend, I dated someone a few months later and I cried big time, after we were intimate for the first time (sorry if that is TMI).

 

I felt guilty for 'moving on'. I was so used to my ex (we were together for 4 years) so naturally it felt strange at first being with someone else.

 

And of course, I felt terrible that the new person I was dating bore witness to my reaction.

 

In any event, everyone processes their emotions differently. I once read that the grief from heartbreak is similar to parts of the brain activated during clinical depression. So, the lure of new romantic love is one of the strongest antidotes.

 

You're cognizant of same, which is a good thing. And it is also a good thing that you were forthcoming with the new person, that you are still grieving the loss of a relationship.

 

Good luck! :bunny:

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