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Need a reality check - BF canceled plans, how to proceed?


newheart

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I need some quick advice (on a huge post, sorry!)

 

16 month relationship, though some of you may recall we had a 4 week breakup after a terrible miscommunication that initially resulted from my miscommunication, but snowballed due to his stonewalling and lack of communication. Since then, things have been very good, but communicating with him is definitely a challenge.

 

Last week - all seemed great, had our regular mid week date night, communication was good. Friday, he called me during the work day to coordinate a day for me to take off so that he could take me to a Broadway show for my birthday. He was sorry it ruined the element of surprise, but since he couldn't get weekend tickets for the particular show anytime soon, he wanted to buy mid week and we each take a couple days off. I was very happy with this. I was going out Friday evening with my daughter to celebrate her 14th birthday and my upcoming (tomorrow) 40th by having a mom - daughter night out. He told me to be careful, call him if I needed him, have a good time. All seemed fine. I texted him once that night to say all was well (we went into the city) and we were good.

 

We had Saturday afternoon/evening plans - our only plans for the weekend because he had a superbowl party to attend Sunday, and my son was having a superbowl party of his own for his birthday (twins). Saturday morning I texted him good morning, asked about his day, and asked what time I should come over. It was downhill from there - he replied that he didn't have a timeline, he had so much to do, and "didn't feel like he'd ever be done". Honestly, in that moment, I just thought it was easier to call and I didn't see it as an issue or me being pushy, I didn't interpret his text at all that he was trying to cancel or reschedule. But what resulted was an 8 minute phone call during which he already told me that he texted me he didn't know what time, holding him captive on the phone wasn't going to change that, that I "wedged him" into my weekend in between my other plans. I was stunned, honestly. I apologized, I said I didn't wedge him in - we made plans together because it is important to me to make sure we have time together, that is what people do in relationships. I reminded him that I included him in my Sunday party, but I was fine with him going to his friends party, he'd actually have a better time there. I told him to take care of his things he needed to do, and he said he'd "keep me posted". At that time, I already knew I wasn't seeing him. He texted me around 5 saying he was 'running late, had to do some work which took longer, still had to do x, y, z., maybe we should reschedule". I just said okay. Before I went to bed I sent him a text saying I hope he got all his errands done, and that I am sure his chili came out great and would be a big hit (he was cooking for Sunday's party). He replied that he got home too late for the chili, and asked how my day was. I sent a quick reply on my day, and that was it.

 

Sunday afternoon, I called him. I didn't feel good about what had happened Saturday, and I really was confused. He seemed a little reserved, but was talking for the most part like normal. I then brought up Saturday and told him that I truly didn't understand that his text meant he needed to postpone or reschedule our plans, and that I apologized for calling him about it, but I really just needed clarity. He shared that he probably was not very clear via text, but he sometimes felt guilty because he felt obligated to be available when I was, even if he had other things to do. I told him I never ever wanted him to feel that way, and that I just need him to clearly tell me when he needs to reschedule or has something else going on - I admit, I don't do well with reading between the lines. I also asked him, based on his comment about feeling guilty about it, if he thought we spent too much time together. He said no he didn't feel that way, and asked why I asked that. I explained that when we have these things, I think it is important to check and make sure that we are on the same page. After that, we talked some more about football, his family, etc. and that was it. I didn't hear from him via text that night, but he was at a party and wanted to give him that space.

 

Monday, I texted him GM like I always do, and we texted back and forth a bit about work during the morning. Mondays are generally longer days for him, so I didn't reach out Monday night, figured if he got home and wanted to chat, I'd hear from him. When we are not together, he is not a big phone call person - in fact, rarely talks on the phone, and I have come to accept this about him.

 

When I woke up Tuesday, I had a missed call from him from Monday night which was much later than usual (when he's typically in bed). I checked in with him Tuesday during the day, and he said he had been on the phone with his dad until late and realized he never texted me all night, so was just checking in. He had a funny work story to tell me, so we said we'd chat more Tuesday night.

 

Last night, he called me and we ended up talking nearly 2 hours - work stuff, family stuff, nothing heavy/relationship. I still felt a little awkward about Saturday, but was hopeful that we worked through that. Towards the end, we talked about our availability for this week to see each other (something we normally do on the weekend, to compare work schedules, but didn't this weekend) and he said that today (Wednesday) was probably the best day for him, he'd be working in a satellite office close to home and will definitely be home on time. He even mentioned what we'd make for dinner together. I said that sounded great, and said just text me if he runs late or a work thing comes up (not unusual, but we typically don't cancel for this) and he said he would, but again said that he saw no reason why he wouldn't be home on time today.

 

Today, around 3:30, I get a single text that says "I have to work early tomorrow due to the storm. Can we reschedule?" I replied, "Awww :( okay, of course." I have had no contact since.

 

He didn't say sorry, or offer another day. I have no doubt that he has to work early - that is a given considering his line of work. I have to admit, I am confused - since he works early, does that mean he isn't eating dinner tonight? What would the reason be that we still wouldn't have dinner, or spend an hour or two together? We live, with traffic - 15 minutes apart. I was driving to him. In the past, there have certainly been weeknight date nights that he's said in advance that he is looking forward to seeing me, but just wants to let me know that he has to go to bed early or he has to check work or whatever ...

 

On top of that - tomorrow is my 40th birthday. I am not seeing him tomorrow (storm, etc). I don't even know what our plans, if any, are for the weekend. He hasn't mentioned it.

 

I feel like I MUST talk to him about this - but I also am afraid he is going to use this to make an example of how he feels "obligated." Am I being unreasonable? I mean, I haven't seen him in a week now, because he has canceled both times. And maybe they are legitimate reasons and without the Saturday incident, I wouldn't think this was a big deal, but he wasn't the least bit apologetic today. And again, maybe I am being a baby, but it is my birthday tomorrow.

 

I am starting to feel like he wants to end this relationship, but won't just pull the plug. Even if he doesn't want to end it, I am not happy with this treatment. I'd like to see him more, not less, and it seems we aren't on the same page after all. Although, up until this weekend, this didn't seem to be the case at all! I am so confused.

 

Do I leave it alone today? Do I call and discuss it? I feel like I am always being quiet about my feelings because I don't want to push him away. When do I stop that?

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I just wanted to say that your situation sounds really confusing and I don't envy you!

 

 

Is it possible that he needed time to himself to plan something/get a present for your birthday do you think?

 

 

The only other thought I had was that the expectations that come with being in a committed relationship (not because of anything you're doing because you sound very reasonable) are getting to him right now. Perhaps he feels like a failure and like he's constantly disappointing you and would rather be alone when feeling that way. I know I read somewhere that men retreat when they feel like they aren't making their woman happy and it's one of the worst feelings ever for them!

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If things have been going well then you shouldn't jump to conclusions based on 1 bad week. Hell, it's pretty easy to have a bad relationship week just when a girl has her period! Guys should be allowed their down times too.

 

Sometimes I feel you just have to push through a bad stretch and let the sht rest for a while. It can be overly stressful to keep addressing problems. Sometimes it's better to ignore the bad stuff for a week or two. Once both of you rebound and feel a little better, then you can discuss what happened, say your apologies, and reaffirm your commitment to making the relationship work.

 

So I say, let it go for up to 2 weeks if necessary. Instead, just proceed like everything is fine, and focus on the sweet stuff "I miss you and can't wait to see you on xday."

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Thank you both for your insight. Wish I would have read it earlier, I might have hit pause for a bit. It is utterly confusing, I know.

 

I called him tonight, and he answered immediately and sounded completely normal. He said he was doing his taxes. I am not going to lie - I mean great, he needs to do his taxes, but 1. that was one of the items on his agenda Saturday when he canceled and 2. this was the one evening all week he had time for me, adjacent to my birthday, and he cancels dinner because he has to work early and then spends the evening doing taxes? That's my note to you guys.

 

So, I said to him - was your day okay? Your text was short and I didn't hear back from you ... and he starts telling me about his meeting that was 4 hours earlier than his text. Okay. But then I say, "Okay, but we couldn't have dinner tonight because you have to work early tomorrow, when tomorrow is my birthday and I am not going to see you tomorrow either ..."

 

Complete silence. (Side note - Did he forget tomorrow is the day?) I actually thought he hung up! So I said, "Hello?" And he replied, "I'm here. (insert huge sigh) Can I call you back later when I finish my taxes?" and I said, "Oh yes, of course." (In hindsight, I should have not launched into that and just asked him to call me back, but I was upset) And then I knew - he wasn't going to call me back. He was going to withdraw.

 

So, he texted me instead: "I'm not fighting with you about this today. I spent my afternoon doing x, y, z and I have to get up at 4 and I need to get my taxes done. I can't believe we are having this discussion after what happened this weekend. I need some time to sort this out. I am not doing it tonight."

 

Again guys - I am sorry, tonight was not related to this weekend, although I missed him more because of this weekend. Saturday he canceled because he had too many personal errands, felt obligated to finish them based on when I was available to see him, so we didn't see each other. Tonight we have dinner plans (just dinner at home), he is home, but cancels because he has to work early in the morning. And even so, I GET THAT, I would have been disappointed but understanding if there was any sense of apology, or an attempt to reschedule.

 

I did reply to his text ... Basically, I am not fighting with him, I was merely trying to understand, I miss him, it's my birthday, I would have liked to at least talk to reschedule, and it seems like we aren't on the same page lately. Said I hoped I was wrong, I love him, also want him to be happy. Take some time to process and let me know where you stand. Be safe tomorrow. (That is the condensed version)

 

And maybe I came across as a little needy on the phone earlier with my inquiry about his text, but the thing is - I DO have needs. And I can't pretend to be happy with having a boyfriend who isn't meeting my needs, and I love him, so I wanted to lay it out there and give him a chance to understand or move on. I guess we will see.

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Just as the last time you posted, your boyfriend sounds less invested in the relationship than you do. He is passive-aggressive and manipulative. You're apologizing too much when I don't see you've done anything wrong. He takes advantage of that. Passive-aggressive people rarely change. Unfortunately, I see the same problems popping up over and over again for a lifetime if you stay together.

 

Your bday is tomorrow. You deserve to be treated like a queen on that day. I wouldn't reach out again. He owes you an apology and an amazing bday celebration.

 

Happy early bday, btw!

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I just read the update and I don't like his responses to you at all! He sounds over it to me, like it's a drainer or something. I kinda think that, this close to your birthday, he should have manned up and demonstrated that he DOES really want to spend time with you and that your birthday is important to him! I know that when I have been in love, I put a LARGE amount of effort in to making that person feel special on their birthday. I just don't get the vibe that he is looking to put much effort in :(

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Happy Birthday newheart. :rolleyes:

 

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this - especially on your birthday.

 

I've had a 'boyfriend' years ago who called me the day after my birthday and it completely broke my heart because I waited to hear from on the day and was really hoping to see him after work. It wasn't important enough for him though. :(

 

The way your guy treats you on your birthday will give you the answer you need, in my opinion. There is absolutely no excuse if he doesn't acknowledge your special day.

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Happy Birthday!

 

Sorry, I agree with the others. I don't like his responses and you keep apologising. You want to see your bf (who wouldn't?!) and you're saying sorry for that. People have busy lives but they make an effort to see the important people in their lives.

 

I understand his position. I get very stressed out if I have jobs that need doing and can't figure out when I can do them. If I put them off to see a bf, sometimes I can't enjoy it because I'm stressing. But I try to communicate that and make sure I can see them asap. I'll make sure if I have to cancel, we have another day very soon planned. Bearing in mind, if I haven't seen a bf in a week, I will put those jobs off because I'll want to see them so bad.

 

Your bf said he'd call, then didn't. He then refuses to address the situation over text. This is understandably causing you to stress out. I really feel for ya, you are not over reacting. Try to forget about it and have a great birthday. See if he reaches out.

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Happy birthday, Newheart! I'm sorry you're having to deal with this again.

 

He sounds avoidant to me. The moment conversation starts to turn into expectation, needs, wants - he runs and hides behind excuses and makes it your fault. As well as the last minute change in plans. It does not bode well for you.

 

This has been the pattern for him. I remember your past threads. It's unfortunate that you've always had to tip toe around him when you need to express yourself.

 

I think the best thing to do now is to step back and observe. You already know how he responds and behaves and you're coming to a point where you're just going to have to ask yourself if this is something you can tolerate or if you deserve better.

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Just as the last time you posted, your boyfriend sounds less invested in the relationship than you do. He is passive-aggressive and manipulative. You're apologizing too much when I don't see you've done anything wrong. He takes advantage of that. Passive-aggressive people rarely change. Unfortunately, I see the same problems popping up over and over again for a lifetime if you stay together.

 

Your bday is tomorrow. You deserve to be treated like a queen on that day. I wouldn't reach out again. He owes you an apology and an amazing bday celebration.

 

Happy early bday, btw!

 

Thank you, HippyChick! You are right, he does seem to be that way. When he isn't, things are so good. Then it gets back to this. I am not excusing his behavior by any means, but we are both children of alcoholic families and grew up with some tough things happening. I go to therapy and deal with my issues, he doesn't think he has any at all. In the beginning, I thought he communicated and was great in a relationship for someone with his history! Now I realize he isn't, it just took time to surface. And here I am, sought out a relationship with someone who replicates the same feelings of anxiety I grew up with. Sigh.

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Some people don't think birthdays are a big deal so maybe he just sees it as just another day. It sounds like you mentioned it to him several times though so he should have realized it's important to you. I get the sense he has withdrawn from the relationship for whatever reason and maybe just needs some time to recharge. I'd start pulling back and let him make some effort to get the relationship back on the right track. You seem more invested than he is at this point.

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Happy birthday, Newheart! I'm sorry you're having to deal with this again.

 

He sounds avoidant to me. The moment conversation starts to turn into expectation, needs, wants - he runs and hides behind excuses and makes it your fault. As well as the last minute change in plans. It does not bode well for you.

 

This has been the pattern for him. I remember your past threads. It's unfortunate that you've always had to tip toe around him when you need to express yourself.

 

I think the best thing to do now is to step back and observe. You already know how he responds and behaves and you're coming to a point where you're just going to have to ask yourself if this is something you can tolerate or if you deserve better.

 

Thank you Zahara! He is absolutely a dismissive avoidant, no doubt about it. So when we reconciled after the last incident, I told him that the only way I'd consider a relationship with him is if we both agreed that when we had a conflict, we could pause for 24 hours and regroup, but I wouldn't tolerate the silent treatment like last time. I am not reminding him of this now. I know (knew) that his attachment style wouldn't change, but I guess I loved him and figured it was worth a shot.

 

Tribble - I will agree and acknowledge what you are saying about the stress, and he becomes overwhelmed very easily. Sometimes, he seems to want to withdraw and I have to constantly be cognizant of this and not take it personal. But, I don't know, this week just seems different ... he should have made more of an effort.

 

To all of you - thank you so much for the birthday wishes! I am having a snow day here. Also, thank you for the support ... don't be sorry in telling me what you really think, it really helps.

 

So the update:

I woke up to see I had a text from him at 4:13 am - just "Happy Birthday Newheart". I'm probably being sensitive, but I feel like it is more of a passive aggressive dig (see? I am up at 4 am) to make a point than a true birthday wish. No reply on my text from last night, which I expected. I simply replied, "Thank you." I think it is really ****ty for him to let this go on over my birthday, but I don't expect any response or resolution today given the storm. I won't be reaching out to him again, even if it means we never talk, as much as that hurts me. I said everything I need to say, and I deserve to be in a relationship with someone who makes me a priority too.

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Thank you, HippyChick! You are right, he does seem to be that way. When he isn't, things are so good. Then it gets back to this. I am not excusing his behavior by any means, but we are both children of alcoholic families and grew up with some tough things happening. I go to therapy and deal with my issues, he doesn't think he has any at all. In the beginning, I thought he communicated and was great in a relationship for someone with his history! Now I realize he isn't, it just took time to surface. And here I am, sought out a relationship with someone who replicates the same feelings of anxiety I grew up with. Sigh.

 

I totally understand. I replicated the same relationship with my ex-husband that I had with my mom growing up. It wasn't healthy at all. It's good that you recognize it. The hard part will be letting go. You seem like a really good person. You deserve SO much better than this. Don't forget that.

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Some people don't think birthdays are a big deal so maybe he just sees it as just another day. It sounds like you mentioned it to him several times though so he should have realized it's important to you. I get the sense he has withdrawn from the relationship for whatever reason and maybe just needs some time to recharge. I'd start pulling back and let him make some effort to get the relationship back on the right track. You seem more invested than he is at this point.

 

This is true, and he is not big on birthdays. He always says he is terrible at picking out gifts and that it stresses him out, and he doesn't like the attention on his own birthday. That said, we did several fun things over his birthday weekend (a concert, game night with friends, cooked dinner for his family) and he thanked me and told me repeatedly that he had such a wonderful birthday. I am not looking for tit-for-tat, I am really not, but the effort is not remotely the same. I would have been happy to sit at home, cook a meal together, get a birthday card.

 

After Saturday where he was "so overwhelmed" with all he had to do, I really did pull back to give him space. I mean, yes, I realize it has only been a few days - lol - but I didn't text or call as much, I let him initiate contact, and I was happy and loving to him anytime he did. He called me both evenings, he picked Wednesday for dinner. I don't know.

 

At this point, maybe I said to much in my last text, but I laid it all out. If we aren't on the same page, he will either let me know, or his silence will. Either way, I realize life is too short to be unhappy. I am just sad because when stuff like this isn't happening, he makes me very happy.

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Thank you Zahara! He is absolutely a dismissive avoidant, no doubt about it. So when we reconciled after the last incident, I told him that the only way I'd consider a relationship with him is if we both agreed that when we had a conflict, we could pause for 24 hours and regroup, but I wouldn't tolerate the silent treatment like last time. I am not reminding him of this now. I know (knew) that his attachment style wouldn't change, but I guess I loved him and figured it was worth a shot.

 

Yes, definitely dismissive avoidant. He reads just like an ex of mine. It sets a pattern of push and pull and often times, no matter how secure we are, it will make one feel anxious. Then starts the dance. It's all about how long and how much of it you can tolerate before it starts to wear on you.

 

So the update:

I woke up to see I had a text from him at 4:13 am - just "Happy Birthday Newheart". I'm probably being sensitive, but I feel like it is more of a passive aggressive dig (see? I am up at 4 am) to make a point than a true birthday wish. No reply on my text from last night, which I expected. I simply replied, "Thank you." I think it is really ****ty for him to let this go on over my birthday, but I don't expect any response or resolution today given the storm. I won't be reaching out to him again, even if it means we never talk, as much as that hurts me. I said everything I need to say, and I deserve to be in a relationship with someone who makes me a priority too.

 

Don't read into what his text means. Just accept it as is. You know his attachment style and it's irrational. You'll never make sense of it. At the end of the day, he's going to operate with what makes him feel better. Not what makes you feel better. In these types of relationships, you take a backseat while they stew in their own world of busy, errands, work, taxes, etc.

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You are putting a lot of emphasis on texts. It's hard not to when your heart is on the line.

 

 

You were also looking forward to being fussed over for your birthday so the tension of the last few days has been a doubly whammy.

 

 

Write this birthday off as a loss as far as he goes. Don't give up on the relationship. Go out & play in the snow with your kids.

 

 

As hard as it will be, sit on your hands through the weekend. If he reaches out to you, response. Be bubbly & happy. If you hear nothing, end this on Monday, which sucks given what Tuesday is.

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You are putting a lot of emphasis on texts. It's hard not to when your heart is on the line. True, but also difficult if he shuts down and refuses to communicate on the phone.

 

You were also looking forward to being fussed over for your birthday so the tension of the last few days has been a doubly whammy.

 

Write this birthday off as a loss as far as he goes. Don't give up on the relationship. Go out & play in the snow with your kids.

 

As hard as it will be, sit on your hands through the weekend. If he reaches out to you, response. Be bubbly & happy. If you hear nothing, end this on Monday, which sucks given what Tuesday is.

 

Thanks, D0nnivain. I don't think there will be any casual texts to be bubbly or happy about, lol. When he sent that text last night, I ended my reply with "I hope I am wrong, but it seems like we aren't on the same page lately. As much as I love you and want to be with you, I want to be with a partner who feels the same about me. I also want you to be happy. When you've had some time to process, I'd like you to let me know where you stand."

 

He knows that the kids are at their dads this weekend, so in my opinion, if he doesn't try to make this right by then, he is not invested. I know I said take time to process, but really, I didn't do anything wrong this time for him to need extensive time to "sort this out". I hate placing 'deadlines' on things and I know everyone handles things differently, and I am trying to be a little patient to not just bag this relationship now, but if he cared about me, what's to sort out? You say sorry I was disappointed and make plans for the weekend.

 

I really didn't want to give up on my relationship, but I can't be the only one making us a priority.

 

Okay, back to sitting on my hands! :D

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Thanks, D0nnivain. I don't think there will be any casual texts to be bubbly or happy about, lol. When he sent that text last night, I ended my reply with "I hope I am wrong, but it seems like we aren't on the same page lately. As much as I love you and want to be with you, I want to be with a partner who feels the same about me. I also want you to be happy. When you've had some time to process, I'd like you to let me know where you stand."

 

He knows that the kids are at their dads this weekend, so in my opinion, if he doesn't try to make this right by then, he is not invested. I know I said take time to process, but really, I didn't do anything wrong this time for him to need extensive time to "sort this out". I hate placing 'deadlines' on things and I know everyone handles things differently, and I am trying to be a little patient to not just bag this relationship now, but if he cared about me, what's to sort out? You say sorry I was disappointed and make plans for the weekend.

 

I really didn't want to give up on my relationship, but I can't be the only one making us a priority.

 

Okay, back to sitting on my hands! :D

 

That was one heavy text and is the type of thing that really needs a face to face in my opinion.

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I have some slightly different thoughts.

 

Although you claim that he shouldn't feel obligated to be available when you are, and that you just need him to clearly tell you when he needs to reschedule, when he did that on Wednesday (and even on Saturday), you got upset. I really didn't see anything wrong with his actions on Saturday or on Wednesday. He seemed to have kept in contact with you and kept you posted. Stuff happens. Is it really that hard to understand that maybe he was busy and had a lot to do or just didn't feel like getting together since he had to get up at 4 a.m. the next morning? It really seems like you do think he is obligated to see you when you are available, because when he tries to reschedule, you get upset. I can see why he might be frustrated.

 

I'm really not seeing lack of interest on his part, either. He seems to have been texting with you and talking to you quite a bit between Saturday and Wednesday. He just seemed busy over those few days. Has this ever happened before?

 

As for your birthday, you said in your first post that he is planning a day off to take you to a Broadway show for your birthday. That doesn't sound like not mentioning your birthday; it sounds like a nice plan for your birthday. So, to him you have birthday plans, even though they aren't day of, so he might not appreciate how badly you needed to see him the day before your birthday.

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That was one heavy text and is the type of thing that really needs a face to face in my opinion.

 

I agree, but he has a history of not seeing me to discuss / not calling, and I just can't deal with it anymore I guess.

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I have some slightly different thoughts.

 

Although you claim that he shouldn't feel obligated to be available when you are, and that you just need him to clearly tell you when he needs to reschedule, when he did that on Wednesday (and even on Saturday), you got upset. I really didn't see anything wrong with his actions on Saturday or on Wednesday. He seemed to have kept in contact with you and kept you posted. Stuff happens. Is it really that hard to understand that maybe he was busy and had a lot to do or just didn't feel like getting together since he had to get up at 4 a.m. the next morning? It really seems like you do think he is obligated to see you when you are available, because when he tries to reschedule, you get upset. I can see why he might be frustrated.

 

I'm really not seeing lack of interest on his part, either. He seems to have been texting with you and talking to you quite a bit between Saturday and Wednesday. He just seemed busy over those few days. Has this ever happened before?

 

As for your birthday, you said in your first post that he is planning a day off to take you to a Broadway show for your birthday. That doesn't sound like not mentioning your birthday; it sounds like a nice plan for your birthday. So, to him you have birthday plans, even though they aren't day of, so he might not appreciate how badly you needed to see him the day before your birthday.

 

Clia, yes, I do understand the connection you mentioned between Saturday and Wednesday ... and maybe I was oversensitive because he went from rarely cancelling (and being apologetic if he ever did) to cancelling twice within a few days with no apparent remorse for having to do so and no suggested day to reschedule. I do see where he'd feel obligated based on my reaction yesterday, but I can't help but also think that he was home, he didn't have to travel or do anything special (I was going to him), it was the one night this week I'd see him, and he canceled dinner because he had to work early the next day. So yes, unreasonable or not, this was one situation where I did think it was more important for him to just make a compromise. I could have even accepted it if, when I called to talk about it, he seemed to care that he canceled and to make an effort to reschedule. Who knows, maybe it is unfair of me to say, but if he would have done that - while I still would have been disappointed - it would have been okay. I just expected an, "I'm sorry about that, Friday okay?"

 

He did plan a day out in a couple weeks, and that is wonderful - I was very excited about it. I didn't expect a huge surprise party or anything on or near my actual birthday, just some quality time with him this week. I just missed him.

 

And maybe he is right and he feels too much pressure and obligation - and I am too, and I just need more, and we are just incompatible then. But I guess better to find out sooner rather than later.

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He sounds like a very difficult person to be in a relationship with and I'm wondering how it's rewarding for you?

 

That said, this is the exact same guy behaving in the exact same way as on your other thread, and you are doing your scripted role as well.

 

If you WANT to be in a relationship with this person who handles stress and conflict the way he does (I have to assume that the rest of it is very positive) the only thing to do is to change the way you react to him during these times. It is taking the whole responsibility on yourself, but that's the only choice since you can't change another person.

 

It seems obvious to me that when he starts to feel overwhelmed, some resentment surfaces about how your schedule is so full that there are only narrow, specific times when your relationship can happen. He's probably ok with it in general, but when he gets stressed it probably feels like a burdensome situation.

 

Again, I am not putting this on you, I'm just trying to see it from his point of view.

 

From my perspective, the only way to react to this type of situation to prevent it from escalating is for you to be nice and COMPLETELY back off until he no longer feels stressed and is in the mood to enjoy time with you, rather than "make the effort to spend time together because that's what people in relationships do." Which I agree with, but if a person is stressed out it sounds like part of a job.

 

And, the only time you can talk about this dynamic is when it is NOWHERE in sight. Talking about it while it's happening is adding fuel to it.

 

Ok, this all only holds water if you really really want to be with him and the good parts far outweigh his crappy way at handling stress and conflict.

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Thanks, D0nnivain. I don't think there will be any casual texts to be bubbly or happy about, lol. When he sent that text last night, I ended my reply with "I hope I am wrong, but it seems like we aren't on the same page lately. As much as I love you and want to be with you, I want to be with a partner who feels the same about me. I also want you to be happy. When you've had some time to process, I'd like you to let me know where you stand."

 

He knows that the kids are at their dads this weekend, so in my opinion, if he doesn't try to make this right by then, he is not invested. I know I said take time to process, but really, I didn't do anything wrong this time for him to need extensive time to "sort this out". I hate placing 'deadlines' on things and I know everyone handles things differently, and I am trying to be a little patient to not just bag this relationship now, but if he cared about me, what's to sort out? You say sorry I was disappointed and make plans for the weekend.

 

I really didn't want to give up on my relationship, but I can't be the only one making us a priority.

 

Okay, back to sitting on my hands! :D

 

1. Bad call to send that by text at that moment. I think that in general you need to be able to sit with things a bit and not just send him whatever whenever. Basically, you dared him to break up with you. Do YOU want to break up with HIM? If so, then sure, text and then block him. But that text was just.....no.

 

2. You are trying to mind read and decipher how he feels from how he would act this weekend given that he knows you will be without your kids. Again, why give him all the power? Is he treating you right? Are you happy? Are you willing to ride out a rough patch? Depending on those answers, take action.

 

Oh, and I completely agree with those who observe that you are apologizing way too much. Stop bending over backwards for him. Don't be afraid to assert some standards and boundaries.

 

Unfortunately this seems to be a repeat of the same issue as before. He sees you as a hindrance and obligation when things get tough on his end, rather than as a gift in his life. So....that's not so good.

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First off, happy birthday!

 

You seem like a good, balanced person.

The only fault I can see from what you've written is that you apologize and give too much.

It's not in balance.

Don't be too hard on yourself for sending that heavy text.

You probably feel you have little choice when he gets mad at you for talking on the phone and doesn't seem to be making time to see you.

 

You two do not seem compatible.

You want more togetherness than he does, and his attachment style causes you anxiety.

His avoidant style prevents true intimacy, and I get the feeling that is something you would like in a relationship.

I think if you stay together you will be caught up in an endless cycle of push and pull - no fun at all.

 

You know what is amazing?

Relationships that go like this: the more you give, the more you get.

It's wonderful and freeing.

Life is too short.

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You two do not seem compatible.

You want more togetherness than he does, and his attachment style causes you anxiety.

His avoidant style prevents true intimacy, and I get the feeling that is something you would like in a relationship.

 

I don't disagree with your assessment entirely, but I do with the bolded. I believe that the OP has very limited blocks of time available to spend with the bf, and if he becomes unavailable during those times, there aren't other options and time together is simply not going to happen that week. I get the impression that he is generally on board with this arrangement but sometimes gets frustrated and impatient.

 

Is that right?

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