Uncomfortable about boyfriend meeting up with a female friend alone?

[ktragers]

Curious about everyone's opinion on this cliche question: are you okay with your boyfriend or girlfriend hanging out with someone of the opposite sex alone? I guess it depends on the type of meet, but I find it difficult to cope with that kind of situation regardless. My boyfriend of a year has this female friend (technically his only friend in the area) whom he's pretty close with. I know they used to hang out a lot (either one on one or in a group setting) when he was single. I've met her a few times in a group setting usually or a double date and I get along with her fine, although I'm always leery about my boyfriend's female friends, which in this case, is his only friend.

 

He said they had no history and that they met via a meetup group when he was trying to meet new people and make friends in the area. He admitted that at first he was attracted to her but soon realized that she was going through a divorce then and is also quite a few years older than he is, so she was not his type anymore and he wrote her off as a romantic interest and they'd stayed as friends since. He said she's the only person that he'd met in this area with whom he'd actually developed a standing friendship/connection with; otherwise he'd have no friends here. I understand that situation but can't help wonder every now and then.

 

This woman has a stable circle of friends in the area but she definitely sees my boyfriend as a more mature member whom she trusts and also can discuss deep, personal issues with. Recently her new boyfriend just temporarily moved elsewhere for a few months' job training and two of her family members passed away, so she was getting pretty lonely and wanted to get together with my boyfriend for a drink just to talk. My boyfriend didn't mention this to me until two days beforehand and my internal alarm went off.

 

I understand that I can't tell my boyfriend who he can or cannot see or be friends with, but I do feel a bit uncomfortable about it. I'm not sure if I have a more legit reason for this fear than my long time impression of her or my own insecurity, though. But I'd appreciate any insights on how I should react to this. So far I've been pretty good about their contact with each other and my boyfriend has been mostly upfront about it too, but I have to try really hard not to get all jealous in front of him.

[GoreSP]

Would it be problematic if your boyfriend/girlfriend hung out alone with a gay friend of the same sex?

[d0nnivain]

Everybody draws these lines in different places. The couple in the relationship has to draw them where they feel comfortable.

 

 

If the opposite sex friend precedes the relationship -- meaning that friendship existed long before the romance -- I'm more open to it then a new friend.

 

 

If it's all the time & I feel excluded, it's a problem.

 

 

I don't date people I don't trust so I rarely have a problem with opposite sex friends but if it's an issue you have to talk to your BF about it. You can't let it fester & you can't force a choice. All you can do is back off & get out of a relationship if you lose trust.

[ktragers]

Would it be problematic if your boyfriend/girlfriend hung out alone with a gay friend of the same sex?

 

I don't think so, because my boyfriend is not gay so he wouldn't be interested in the friend romantically...

[ktragers]

Everybody draws these lines in different places. The couple in the relationship has to draw them where they feel comfortable.

 

 

If the opposite sex friend precedes the relationship -- meaning that friendship existed long before the romance -- I'm more open to it then a new friend.

 

 

If it's all the time & I feel excluded, it's a problem.

 

 

I don't date people I don't trust so I rarely have a problem with opposite sex friends but if it's an issue you have to talk to your BF about it. You can't let it fester & you can't force a choice. All you can do is back off & get out of a relationship if you lose trust.

 

I understand it's all about trust. I guess my issue is that I trust my boyfriend if he is out and about and meets random strangers but when it comes to this (only) friend of his I get all uncomfortable. I realize that if something were to happen between them, it would have happened way before we'd even met.

 

Since we've been together, his friend has been mostly very respectful and tried to include me as much as possible. I just feel like she can be kinda of flirty or touchy feely and she's needy for attention when she knows a nice guy would give it to her.

[d0nnivain]

It sounds like she is really trying to make you more at ease. If she was being catty, you'd have more of a problem.

 

 

My strategy: befriend her.

[smackie9]

It's kind of your fault for not putting boundaries in place before this happened. This is what you do, let him have his lunch with her, but after have that conversation. Don't pinpoint her, but discuss one on one meet ups, advanced notice before the meeting is set up, what does and doesn't make you or him comfortable, etc in a general sense. When you both are on the same page, then there shouldn't be anymore issues.

[ktragers]

It's kind of your fault for not putting boundaries in place before this happened. This is what you do, let him have his lunch with her, but after have that conversation. Don't pinpoint her, but discuss one on one meet ups, advanced notice before the meeting is set up, what does and doesn't make you or him comfortable, etc in a general sense. When you both are on the same page, then there shouldn't be anymore issues.

 

I agree boundaries are important. However, I don't want to push the whole thing to the point that he's no longer comfortable about bringing her up with me, which would only create hiding and lying down the road. At least right now he's been pretty open about their contact with me. Also, since she's his only friend in the area, if I have a discussion with him about meeting up with female friends alone, he'd know darn well that I'm referring to her.

[Miss Peach]

I sort of have the outlook of he'll want to be with me or he won't. But I recently went through this myself. BF went to dinner with a female friend I know he's attracted to. I recently did something similar with a guy I met at a meetup and BF freaked out.

 

One thing I'll mention though is in my situation my BF sort of had a double standard and when I did what he did, he didn't like it. I'm not saying to do as he does but I'm saying to think about how you would feel if the situation were reversed and you couldn't go out with a male friend.

[GoreSP]

I don't think so, because my boyfriend is not gay so he wouldn't be interested in the friend romantically...

 

But the gay person could still make a move. Wouldn't you think that if the opposite sex friend made a move on your boyfriend, he wouldn't be interested because he is with you?

[olivetree]

But the gay person could still make a move. Wouldn't you think that if the opposite sex friend made a move on your boyfriend, he wouldn't be interested because he is with you?

 

This isn't relevant.

OP's bf is straight and there is 0% he would be attracted to a man.

 

OP, I think you feel uncomfortable because he admitted he was at first attracted to her, and they get along well enough to be good friends.

Although he said she is not his type, I think you are a bit weary that that initial attraction may come back, especially with all the personal sharing?

[ktragers]

This isn't relevant.

OP's bf is straight and there is 0% he would be attracted to a man.

 

OP, I think you feel uncomfortable because he admitted he was at first attracted to her, and they get along well enough to be good friends.

Although he said she is not his type, I think you are a bit weary that that initial attraction may come back, especially with all the personal sharing?

 

Very true. That's part of it. I wouldn't care as much if he's hanging out with a friend from college who's a girl or a longtime childhood friend or something. This crap where one person starts off with romantic intentions and the two remain friends b/c the dating aspect wouldn't work bothers me. But he usually finds it difficult to connect with people, which is why he doesn't have many friends in the area. And since he's the quiet, sensitive, more mature type, he usually gets along pretty well with older women.

 

Like I said, this woman has been mostly respectful of me and our relationship, but she can also be needy and clingy that she craves male attention.

[ThisisIt606]

So far it seems as though he has been honest with you about where he stands with her. It also seems like she has tried to include you.

 

As you said, you definitely don't want to dictate who he can and can't hang out with. You want him to say open with you and not feel like he has to hide anything.

 

Let him enjoy his time with her. Casually ask about it the next time you see him and just gauge his reaction. It's not like anything crazy will happen on their dinner "date". If you bf has given you no reason to distrust him, let it be for now.

 

Keep an eye on things, but don't get involved where no one has given you a reason to really worry.

[OatsAndHall]

1. You have stated that there isn't a romantic past between them and that they are platonic friends. You have spent time with her and like her.

 

2. She has gone out of her way to include you in social situations. To me, this is a clear sign that she truly is just friends with your significant other.

 

3. You said that she is a bit flirty at times but there are people that just interact that way. I am extremely sarcastic and there are women that assume I am hitting on them when I'm letting my sense of humor flow. It's all very relative.

 

This is always a grey area but I don't think you have an anything to worry about.

 

I have had issues with my significant others spending time alone with members of the opposite sex in the past. But, there were things that made me leery about their interaction. Some of these guys would either just pop up out of the blue. I don't care if my gf has "known them since kindergarten" if they haven't actually seen them in a decade and a half. Some of them are "orbiters" that are continually interacting with a significant other via social media. My hackles raise when I see these guys having flirty or attention seeking interaction with my significant other.

[phineas]

Unless you suspect they are going to have nooner lunch once in a while wouldn't bother me.

As long as it wasn't every day or week.

I know people at work that goto lunch once a week.

More than that and people talk.

When people are talking it's inappropriate.

 

happy hour, or something else alone in the evening?

Nope. not unless i was invited also.

[GoreSP]

This isn't relevant.

OP's bf is straight and there is 0% he would be attracted to a man.

 

OP, I think you feel uncomfortable because he admitted he was at first attracted to her, and they get along well enough to be good friends.

Although he said she is not his type, I think you are a bit weary that that initial attraction may come back, especially with all the personal sharing?

 

Actually, it is. OP's worry isn't that the friend will make a move; it's that he won't push her away if she does.

 

OP's boyfriend is either acting shady (from the looks of it he isn't) or she needs to get over her insecurities.

[Brittybritt92]

Very true. That's part of it. I wouldn't care as much if he's hanging out with a friend from college who's a girl or a longtime childhood friend or something. This crap where one person starts off with romantic intentions and the two remain friends b/c the dating aspect wouldn't work bothers me. But he usually finds it difficult to connect with people, which is why he doesn't have many friends in the area. And since he's the quiet, sensitive, more mature type, he usually gets along pretty well with older women.

 

Like I said, this woman has been mostly respectful of me and our relationship, but she can also be needy and clingy that she craves male attention.

 

My ex was "friends" with a girl he used to hook up with. She wanted to be just friends with him, but when I came into the picture, became very demanding of his time and I wasn't having it. After a while of being together I gave him an ultimatum. Apparently she called me a bitch and said I wouldn't let him have any friends, but they SLEPT together. There was attraction there. I know my story is a little more intense but I know how you're feeling. It would be nice if he got some friends that you didn't have to worry about that with. Maybe encourage him to hang out with guys from work or something.

[Gaeta]

I think your boyfriend did everything right, as she did everything right by wanting to include you. Your worries are coming from unfounded fears.

 

He found her attractive at first? so what? She is not the only woman he found attractive, I am sure he finds the girl at starbuck that serves his coffee attractive, the woman working in accounting at his company is probably attractive to him, the woman living on first floor of his building is probably attractive to him. It's the nature of men to categorize women in 'attractive' and 'not attractive'. It does not mean he wants to jump all of those women.

 

Two of my best male friends we met on a 'date'. They were attractive, they found me attractive but we ended up not wanting to pursue each other. There was no physical touch between us back then. Then we developed a friendship that has lasted fro 6 years now. They have their GF, I have my BF and it ends there.

 

My BF has a female friend he hang out with 1-on-1. I have 0 problem with it. She is a long time friend from his country and that allows him to keep connected with someone from his culture. If one day he crosses the line with this friend I will simply end our relationship, move on, find someone better suited for me.

 

What bother you exactly, do you think she more attractive than you?

[ktragers]

Actually, it is. OP's worry isn't that the friend will make a move; it's that he won't push her away if she does.

 

OP's boyfriend is either acting shady (from the looks of it he isn't) or she needs to get over her insecurities.

 

Yeah that's rather accurate. I know she has a stable circle of friends she usually hangs out with, but I have a feeling my boyfriend is her only friend who's on the quiet, mature, and sensitive side that she can confide in with deep personal issues. And I know some women like to pull a "performance" where they act like they are in so much need that basically men can't resist them. She strikes me as one of those "flirty" people.

 

However, fun fact: at one point when this woman was talking to my boyfriend about her current relationship, she mentioned that she really wants to have her first child by the time she's 36 (she's almost 35 now) and that she wishes things with her man would move a bit faster...

[ktragers]

I think your boyfriend did everything right, as she did everything right by wanting to include you. Your worries are coming from unfounded fears.

 

He found her attractive at first? so what? She is not the only woman he found attractive, I am sure he finds the girl at starbuck that serves his coffee attractive, the woman working in accounting at his company is probably attractive to him, the woman living on first floor of his building is probably attractive to him. It's the nature of men to categorize women in 'attractive' and 'not attractive'. It does not mean he wants to jump all of those women.

 

Two of my best male friends we met on a 'date'. They were attractive, they found me attractive but we ended up not wanting to pursue each other. There was no physical touch between us back then. Then we developed a friendship that has lasted fro 6 years now. They have their GF, I have my BF and it ends there.

 

My BF has a female friend he hang out with 1-on-1. I have 0 problem with it. She is a long time friend from his country and that allows him to keep connected with someone from his culture. If one day he crosses the line with this friend I will simply end our relationship, move on, find someone better suited for me.

 

What bother you exactly, do you think she more attractive than you?

 

That's a nice argument about us finding many people attractive. I have a good male friend whom I met on a dating site. We went out a couple of times but decided a friendship was a better route for us and have kept in touch since. He's been in a relationship for almost two years now and we don't talk as much anymore but can still exchange stories every now and then. I can still joke with him but I would never get all flirty and touchy feely with him at this point. I guess that's also why I may trust my boyfriend but I don't trust the women out there. I'm not a saint by any measure but I don't think some women would stop the flirting just because they know the guy has a girlfriend.

 

From what I heard, before we started dating there was a time when they all went out for a friend's birthday and this woman got drunk and my boyfriend basically took her back to her home and stayed over for the night to make sure she was okay. He said he slept on her couch that night and I took his word for it. I have a feeling that was also something this woman remembered that he can be trusted and relied on.

[carolann]

The sharing of "deep personal issues" would bother me more than them hanging out. Most decent women back off a bit when a guy friend gets into a relationship....others like to push boundaries. If she is sharing deep personal stuff then there's a pretty good chance he is too and that makes their friendship a slippery slope IMO.

[Gaeta]

I guess that's also why I may trust my boyfriend but I don't trust the women out there. I'm not a saint by any measure but I don't think some women would stop the flirting just because they know the guy has a girlfriend.

 

In reality this means you trust your boyfriend when there is not temptation around and you don't trust him if a woman flirts with him. That's what it means.

 

You need to bring your thought process one step further. You are afraid this woman will hit on your boyfriend eventually. Second step is to ask yourself so what if she does? If you trust your boyfriend than it means you know in your heart he will decline her flirting, right? On the other hand if you think your boyfriend would cheat on you just because some woman decided to hit on him than you don't trust your boyfriend.

 

You are also a woman and you know how our brain works. You know once we have put a man in the friendzone we don't feel sexual attraction toward him anymore. Even though I found my male friends attractive enough to have a 'date' with them back then I don't feel that attraction any longer. Kissing them would be like kissing one of my brothers 'yuk'.

[ktragers]

In reality this means you trust your boyfriend when there is not temptation around and you don't trust him if a woman flirts with him. That's what it means.

 

You need to bring your thought process one step further. You are afraid this woman will hit on your boyfriend eventually. Second step is to ask yourself so what if she does? If you trust your boyfriend than it means you know in your heart he will decline her flirting, right? On the other hand if you think your boyfriend would cheat on you just because some woman decided to hit on him than you don't trust your boyfriend.

 

You are also a woman and you know how our brain works. You know once we have put a man in the friendzone we don't feel sexual attraction toward him anymore. Even though I found my male friends attractive enough to have a 'date' with them back then I don't feel that attraction any longer. Kissing them would be like kissing one of my brothers 'yuk'.

 

True. However I'd also argue that some women likes to keep other men around for "backup" or emotional crutch when they know that the men will be there for them. They also enjoy the male attention when the boyfriend's unavailable. Ugh.

 

The part about sharing deep personal issues does bother me. Also, a few days ago when we were out and about, he received a text from that woman and it says, "I want to go to lunch but I'm too lazy to move and get ready." That text also shows how close they are/were. My guy's initial reaction was, "Huh? I don't care. That's the story of my life everyday.... She must be lonely." I don't know if he'd actually replied to the text or not later. I was kinda surprised because she knows that he and I are always together on the weekends and to start a random conversation with him like that seemed pretty strange.

[kendahke]

I'm not sure if I have a more legit reason for this fear than my long time impression of her or my own insecurity, though.

 

Then you need to get really clear, and I mean crystal clear, on this before you start down the road of telling him that he can't hang out with her because this is what's going to plant the seed of him deciding whether or not being with you is a good idea.

[Gaeta]

True. However I'd also argue that some women likes to keep other men around for "backup" or emotional crutch when they know that the men will be there for them. They also enjoy the male attention when the boyfriend's unavailable. Ugh..

Yes some women do that but it's not your problem because you trust your boyfriend right? If she comes on to him in an inappropriate way he will remove himself, right? Do you believe that? Everything has its source in your boyfriend, he is the master of his life, not women around him.

 

The part about sharing deep personal issues does bother me. Also, a few days ago when we were out and about, he received a text from that woman and it says, "I want to go to lunch but I'm too lazy to move and get ready." That text also shows how close they are/were. My guy's initial reaction was, "Huh? I don't care. That's the story of my life everyday.... She must be lonely."

 

I don't see anything wrong here. Friendship, real friendship is about sharing deep personal issues, and is about supporting each other.

 

I also don't see a problems with her texting him when she knows he is with you. She knows he is in a relationship, she is not hiding their friendship, she does her communication right in the open, you should be glad of it.

 

I text my male friend when he's with his GF. Sometimes if I have an advice to ask him I'll tell him to run it by his GF cause I trust her judgement.

 

Next time she text him and you're with him just tell your boyfriend: Say hello to her from me.

 

Take your place girl ! Invite her over for dinner, match her up with a guy you know!