patrickstarr Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 (edited) Look, I love this girl to death. She's a very bubbly, very fun, very sweet girl, but, she has no motivation in life. We've dated since we were 15( now both 23) and now live together. She was the girl in high school who never studied, copied someone else's homework minutes before it was due, and slept in class.Her parents( wealthy folks) pay for everything she does. She does kinda have a job, she bartends a few nights a week at a place that her dad's friend owns so giving her a job was more of a favor. Otherwise she sleeps late, stays up late, lounges around, and shops. I tried suggesting she try some community college courses, she fears that they might be challenging so, no luck there. Asking her to help cook or clean is a fight too, she has no interest in learning how to cook or clean and would rather have me do it. I just want her to get more out of her life than sleeping, looking pretty, and shopping and be a bit more independent so not everything has to be handled by someone else. Should I just drop it, or push more? Edited February 1, 2017 by patrickstarr Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 She's not going to change because she doesn't have to. Her world works just fine for her. You either have to accept her as she is, lack of motivation & all, or get a new GF 3 Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 So she doesn't clean, doesn't cook, barely works, has no plans to change this. Your life with her will be you working hard all day, and her lounging around spending your money. Then you will either have to come home and cook and clean, or you'll have to pay someone else to do that job. Do you earn enough that you can afford a "trophy wife"? Is that the kind of relationship you want? I understand you have a history together and you've had a lot of good times, but now you are all grown up adults. And she is pretty clear about the life she wants to lead. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author patrickstarr Posted February 1, 2017 Author Share Posted February 1, 2017 Maybe I'm part of the problem, constantly giving in 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author patrickstarr Posted February 1, 2017 Author Share Posted February 1, 2017 I mean, I do earn a fair amount, but, I see what you're saying. It's just mind-blowing that she's content 1) doing almost nothing 2) having everything done for her/handed to her 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Larryville Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 She was the girl in high school who never studied, copied someone else's homework minutes before it was due, and slept in class.Her parents( wealthy folks) pay for everything she does. She does kinda have a job, she bartends a few nights a week at a place that her dad's friend owns so giving her a job was more of a favor. Otherwise she sleeps late, stays up late, lounges around, and shops. I love this girl to death Seriously!? You need to take some mental inventory and reevaluate your life choices, she must be seriously hot because if she is NOT and this is the type of woman you fall for you have much deeper issues going on or you simply believe you will never do better. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 She's not going to change because she doesn't have to. Her world works just fine for her. You either have to accept her as she is, lack of motivation & all, or get a new GF Ditto this. While it is possible that she will change, it is unlikely unless she gets some sort of wake up call. But since her life has been good up til now with her parents taking care of her and now you, she has no reason. So like donna says, accept her or move on. Maybe I'm part of the problem, constantly giving in Nope. You may be an enabler but you are not the problem. She loves you as you are, because you help her enjoy life as she wants it. IMO your best bet is to move on, but having said that, my guess is that you really don't want to. You need someone that you can respect as does she. At this point, neither of you respects the other. If you remember this from anything said here, under no circumstances should you get married to her. Period. For whatever reason, the two of you have already built a toxic relationship where you feel trapped in a situation that is less than pleasant, while the other is enjoying life at your expense. Marriage will only make it worse. I guarantee it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author patrickstarr Posted February 1, 2017 Author Share Posted February 1, 2017 Seriously!? You need to take some mental inventory and reevaluate your life choices, she must be seriously hot because if she is NOT and this is the type of woman you fall for you have much deeper issues going on or you simply believe you will never do better. Was trying to put a little bit of positivity into my OP, point out some good qualities she has Link to post Share on other sites
Author patrickstarr Posted February 1, 2017 Author Share Posted February 1, 2017 Ditto this. While it is possible that she will change, it is unlikely unless she gets some sort of wake up call. But since her life has been good up til now with her parents taking care of her and now you, she has no reason. So like donna says, accept her or move on. Nope. You may be an enabler but you are not the problem. She loves you as you are, because you help her enjoy life as she wants it. IMO your best bet is to move on, but having said that, my guess is that you really don't want to. You need someone that you can respect as does she. At this point, neither of you respects the other. If you remember this from anything said here, under no circumstances should you get married to her. Period. For whatever reason, the two of you have already built a toxic relationship where you feel trapped in a situation that is less than pleasant, while the other is enjoying life at your expense. Marriage will only make it worse. I guarantee it. So, would she respect me more if I put my foot down more and asserted that she help me more? Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 I mean, I do earn a fair amount, but, I see what you're saying. It's just mind-blowing that she's content 1) doing almost nothing 2) having everything done for her/handed to her Actually it is not. Children love this, and many adults do too. But we all soon wake up to reality and grow up IF our parents have trained us properly. Think about it. She has the good life. She does what she wants when she wants and how she wants. Above all, she has what she wants. Outside of a few comments by you, no one says anything. I hate to say this, but she is also the kind that would be quicker to cheat on you based on her habits of cheating in high school and her feelings of entitlement. Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 So, would she respect me more if I put my foot down more and asserted that she help me more? Yes BUT after this many years will she? Probably not. And ask yourself, WHY should you change? Assuming you have no children, and assuming you are not married, you have no real commitment to each other. Ask yourself, could you live with her for the next few decades if she never changes? Do you think YOU need to change or does SHE need to change? Link to post Share on other sites
Author patrickstarr Posted February 1, 2017 Author Share Posted February 1, 2017 What's additionally very frustrating is, her parents don't even share my POV, they're cool just handing her money willy nilly Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 What's additionally very frustrating is, her parents don't even share my POV, they're cool just handing her money willy nilly She will never grow up and be an adult as long as they treat her as a child. Can you accept that and continue treating her as a child? If not, move on. I am well aware that it will be difficult to leave your first love behind, and if you do say you are leaving, then she will say she will change etc. She may but it will be temporary IMO. You have a choice, and it is far from easy, but coming from someone with many years of marriage, I can say with almost absolute certainty that you will be coming to LS (or a similar forum) in ten years with the same problem. I wish I had an answer that could give you some direction so you could stay with her, but unless SHE changes, then nothing can be done. Your options are: 1. Accept her and love her as she is. 2. Give her an ultimatum and follow through with it if she does not change. If she changes temporarily, then be prepared to leave when she returns to her old self. 3. Simply break up. Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 I mean, I do earn a fair amount, but, I see what you're saying. It's just mind-blowing that she's content 1) doing almost nothing 2) having everything done for her/handed to her What exactly is attractive to you about a leach? She isn't even a good housewife type... People who are content doing nothing with their lives have nothing to offer to others. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author patrickstarr Posted February 1, 2017 Author Share Posted February 1, 2017 we have a lot of fun times together, that's what's attractive Link to post Share on other sites
Lilyana76 Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 the thing you find attractive and keeps you around is that you have fun together? You can't have fun with someone that has a steady job, helps around the house, and is supportive? Whats going to end up happening in the future is you will grow to resent her. Having to go out and work extra hard, then come home and take care of everything there.... The fun times won't matter anymore. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 So, would she respect me more if I put my foot down more and asserted that she help me more? You are taking on a parent/child relationship. If you want a more "grown up" partner, you need to seek one. Her parents have not finished the job they started and won't be able to do that until they stop taking care of her and enabling her to remain stunted on the life curve . . . 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 Do you RESPECT her? I can't respect people that have zero drive. To me, being driven, using your intellect, your energy and your skills to achieve goals is a very attractive trait. I find laziness and vanity really unappealing. Entitlement even more so. To me, this is a basic character flaw. I don't know of many people that are content with having everything handed to them; people that do not derive their self respect from achievement and contribution; people that are content to be lazy and selfish - to suddenly become motivated go getters who pull their own weight. She is worried that community college will be too challenging?!? Is she really that dim? Or I guess... that damn lazy that the idea of taking some basic courses and actually applying herself is so distasteful? But hey, she is real cute and fun, so her lack of depth is a okay huh? Me, I need a PARTNER. An equal, someone I respect and admire. Perhaps those things are not important to you. But I would have a hard time keeping someone like this as a friend, let alone build a life with them. - and I grew up around a number of wealthy families - and know people who "developed" into grown children much like she has. Personally I want no part of it. You can't build a relationship on hopes of changing someone, especially not on something as fundamental as this. Accept her how she is (entitled rich kid) or move on. You are in the time of your life when you are becoming an adult. A time of real change. Very few teenage sweethearts make it through this time of growth. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 Her parents have had 23 years to release an adult into the world . . . they have failed. How many years are you willing to invest in raising their child? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author patrickstarr Posted February 1, 2017 Author Share Posted February 1, 2017 Do you RESPECT her? I can't respect people that have zero drive. To me, being driven, using your intellect, your energy and your skills to achieve goals is a very attractive trait. I find laziness and vanity really unappealing. Entitlement even more so. To me, this is a basic character flaw. I don't know of many people that are content with having everything handed to them; people that do not derive their self respect from achievement and contribution; people that are content to be lazy and selfish - to suddenly become motivated go getters who pull their own weight. She is worried that community college will be too challenging?!? Is she really that dim? Or I guess... that damn lazy that the idea of taking some basic courses and actually applying herself is so distasteful? But hey, she is real cute and fun, so her lack of depth is a okay huh? Me, I need a PARTNER. An equal, someone I respect and admire. Perhaps those things are not important to you. But I would have a hard time keeping someone like this as a friend, let alone build a life with them. - and I grew up around a number of wealthy families - and know people who "developed" into grown children much like she has. Personally I want no part of it. You can't build a relationship on hopes of changing someone, especially not on something as fundamental as this. Accept her how she is (entitled rich kid) or move on. You are in the time of your life when you are becoming an adult. A time of real change. Very few teenage sweethearts make it through this time of growth. I think if she really pushed herself, and with some help, she could get through CC, but the thought of sitting through a 45min-60min class a few times a week, just sounds unbearable to her. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 What she needs is to be forced out on her own without her parents taking care of her so she learns to survive and make her own way. But they will just keep enabling her so that's not going to happen. I wouldn't want to spend MY life with someone anything like that. And you certainly don't want kids with her. What a nightmare that would be! You'd have to work AND do everything else to and meanwhile she'll have her nose in Facebook or television. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 ^^^ wow. If she can't handle sitting on her tush and paying attention for an hour - how is she ever going to be able to hold down a job that would support herself? And I am careful to say 'job" because with her skills set and motivation she will never have a career. Do you respect her? What do you think when she says very basic things are too hard for her? Link to post Share on other sites
Author patrickstarr Posted February 1, 2017 Author Share Posted February 1, 2017 Honestly, my respect for her is low, yet, I do love her Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 Love isn't enough. Mutual respect is essential to a healthy relationship. That lack of respect is going to breed resentment. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 Honestly, my respect for her is low, yet, I do love her You love who you wish she would be . . . Link to post Share on other sites
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