Jump to content

Am I Overthinking Or Has He Lost Interest Already?


Outspokenwallflower

Recommended Posts

Outspokenwallflower

Ill try to condense this as much as possible...

 

I probably shouldn't have, but there is a coworker that I've been friends with for a little while; not too long ago, our communication/banter became flirtatious. I assumed he was just a flirtatious guy, until one lunch when a few female coworkers and I were talking about how shy and introverted I am, and they began to give me advice on how to get a guy. He sort of nosied into the convo, stating that if it were him, he'd take me out on long walks so we could talk, etc... basically, explaining how he'd personally court me IF it were him. It got awkward for a moment, because he is also known as a bit of a flirt/joker, and no one took him seriously... except for my dumbass.

 

Fast forward 2 weeks; I decided to be a little brazen and ask if he was single (yes, in my meek world, that's being brazen). He said he was, and immediately swooped in asking if I was interested and if so, not to be scared to admit it, etc. we exchanged phone numbers, and for the remainder of that week, would commute home together (we don't live in the same area but take the same trains) chat once we were both home, and were getting to know each other in the process. Ironically, the next week he was going on a week long family vacation that he'd mentioned awhile back, and so, he kissed me before he left.

 

Now, I've only ever dated 2 guys-- one of which was an extremely long term relationship, so when it comes to guys and dating, I'm still the epitome of novice. I tried to be cool and not contact him while he was gone-- hello, he's on vacation! But lo and behold, he would call, text and FaceTime me while during his time away. He'd say things like how he missed me and couldn't wait to go back to work... I was fully skeptic and would tease him about being a sweet talker, but he literally kept in contact and sent pics throughout his trip.

 

Fast forward to him returning from vacation; his day back, we hang out a bit and kiss again, and he mentions wanting to spend a personal day with me alone at my place... I freaked out a bit and kind of avoided the subject. I wasn't sure if he was trying to get more intimate than I was frankly ready for. Instead I told him I wanted to get to know him more, and we spent some time over the week doing so... in the process I learned he is, err, quite the sexual guy. I never felt 100% okay going along when he tried to broach sexual topics because I still wasn't sure if he genuinely liked me or was looking for some ass. He did tell me that it was a year and a half since he'd been intimate, and that was based on how picky he is about who he's intimate with. But again, due to the nature of his personality, I found it hard to believe... not saying it can't be true.

 

To bring everything up to current speed, we're still getting to know each other, and I find myself liking him more everyday; I feel as though we get closer every time we're together... but his focus also seems to be physical a good deal of the time. I'm no prude, but I know if I were to get intimate with him, my feelings would only strengthen, so if he's in it for physical reasons, I'd definitely get hurt. I was supposed to go to a bar with him on Friday night with a bunch of other coworkers but I bailed because I was annoyed st how much he was talking about what he wanted to do to me physically... it was literally a day of him saying: "wanna touch you there, wanna bite you here, wanna grab you here" and mind you, I made my stance clear on how I feel about intimacy with guys when we first started talking, and I continued to do so every once in awhile.

 

After bailing Friday, it feels like he's backed off a bit. No usual contact; I decided to reach out this morning, and he responded but it was like pulling teeth to talk to him. So, in my idiotic naïveté stupor, I kinda opened up regarding how I felt about him (that I like him a lot, am attracted but don't wanna get hurt and like to take things slow; basically reiterating stuff I'd sort of said along the journey of us getting to know each other but might've not clearly shown because of how shy and scared I could be). His responses were interesting, though I might've overthought them... i.e, me: "Annoyed that I can't stop thinking about you..." response: hahaha, try thinking about something else like oreos or chicken... (like... wtf?)

Me: "I know I can be kinda weird when it comes to feelings, but I'll just put it out there, I like you a lot..." Response: "I'm glad you're admitting you like me"

 

Idk. There's a few other things, but it seems as though he didn't wanna talk much. A friend of mine who knows him said that guys like him are impatient, bore easily, and like a challenge...

 

So let me have it y'all; what do you think is happening here? And of course, tsk tsk on me for delving into something with a coworker. At least I won't see him MUCH from where I'm located in the department...

Link to post
Share on other sites

There lacks compatibility with expectations...he wants a naughty sexually luscious girl, and you want someone who values you and wants to take things romantically. You are not a match, move on.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

I'd say he was really only looking for some action.

 

Did he take you out on an actual date? I see talk of "hanging out" but what did this entail?

 

The fact is that he quickly escalated the talk by trying to sext with you. When you wouldn't take the bait, he pulled away. When you tried to talk about how you felt, he tried to dodge the topic by suggesting you think of other things.

 

Sorry to say, but I think your instincts that he was only after sex are probably correct. He might have already found that on his night out. I would not try to keep this going.

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Outspokenwallflower
I'd say he was really only looking for some action.

 

Did he take you out on an actual date? I see talk of "hanging out" but what did this entail?

 

The fact is that he quickly escalated the talk by trying to sext with you. When you wouldn't take the bait, he pulled away. When you tried to talk about how you felt, he tried to dodge the topic by suggesting you think of other things.

 

Sorry to say, but I think your instincts that he was only after sex are probably correct. He might have already found that on his night out. I would not try to keep this going.

 

I'll admit, there hasn't been a legitimate date yet, and that is something that I wondered about; not sure if that personal day was his idea of one (he said we'd be alone eating Chinese food, watch movies and get to know each other... essentially a 'Netflix and chill' kinda thing, but I still avoided that suggestion).

Link to post
Share on other sites
I'll admit, there hasn't been a legitimate date yet, and that is something that I wondered about; not sure if that personal day was his idea of one (he said we'd be alone eating Chinese food, watch movies and get to know each other... essentially a 'Netflix and chill' kinda thing, but I still avoided that suggestion).

 

He wants sex and nothing more. His words and actions are pretty much aligned. Unless you are looking for casual sex with no expectations, probably a good idea to move on.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

I agree with everyone else's comments here....

 

Sorry to break it to you bluntly OP, but based on what you've described, this guy only wanted SEX. It's pretty obvious.

 

Also, you two weren't really dating...you were "hanging out" . When a man is genuinely interested in a woman beyond just sex, he takes things a little slower, he tries to get to KNOW her, he takes her out on DATES, he treats her like a LADY and doesn't expect her to get physical with him so soon ....especially not when he has not even taken you on one official date yet!! What??

 

OP you deserve SO MUCH better. My first red flag was the fact that you said that he was a flirt and the fact that he was so easy-going with you and confident. A guy who is really smitten by a woman will be a little more hesitant because he truly doesn't want to come the wrong way or turn you off. The fact that he was so sure if himself around you from the get go was a clear sign to me that he was never EMOTIONALLY invested in you.

 

Like others have mentioned, move on.... He's not worth it. You deserve a guy who's going to actually date you and be emotionally available.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Outspokenwallflower

Thanks to everyone who's chimed in. I guess I should've clearly assumed all he wanted was something sexual, but there were moments that made me hopeful of otherwise. For example, he's the one who's initiated the questions of wanting to know almost everything about me, he's the one who actually asked me first about how I felt about him, because he genuinely likes me and even though he wasn't always comfortable opening up about his feelings, he wanted me to know... I sort of took these minor things as a sign of genuine interest and understanding that I would hold back due to my inexperience. He'd literally call or text me to say good morning everyday. Before you guys roll your eyes at how silly that all sounds, please remember I haven't been in the dating game for YEARS; I guess I thought it was sweet.

 

But like you all said, the biggest red flag was that we haven't been on an official date. Funny thing is, I know he's actually a pretty good guy due to our friendship and unfortunately, I developed some feelings; it just hurts that what we want from each other is very different.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...