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Let's fix the awkward first date problem


preraph

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I was driving up to a restuarant the other day and a man was outside and straining to look at me in the car but then decided it wasn't who he was waiting for. I thought he might be meeting a first date, although that turned out not to be the case (he was meeting a whole group of fellow police -- it was the day of the funeral for the Little Elm officer who was killed). But it gave me an idea.

 

It has to be so awkward to be stuck sitting down and buying or receiving dinner from someone you instantly know you're not attracted to, so why not make an agreement to stand outside, weather permitting, so the other person can see you before deciding to come in and then just do a quick text if you're not going to stop. I know it sounds cold blooded, but wouldn't it be better than sitting through the meal awkwardly? Like agree to just text "Sorry, something came up" if you're not going to stay, instead of having to go through all that and spending money.

 

I mean, realistically, if the person is all about looks and in person you don't add up, being all charming isn't likely to overcome that. But if the person is open to seeing what you're like, they go ahead and park and have dinner or coffee or whatever. It seems like Skype and Facetime would have solved all these "in person" problems, but apparently it hasn't. I guess skyping can't always tell you if a guy is way too short for you or a girl is super tall -- or if someone has a tail or is concealing elf ears or whatever.

 

Any other ideas to minimize the humiliation and waste of a first meeting?

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GunslingerRoland

This thread is kind of a broken record with the other threads about asking for extra pictures and asking for special requirements for women so that all their measurements are on the site.

 

If you really are repulsed by that many of the people you meet that the thought of spending a couple of hours getting to know them even if there isn't an attraction there is so horrifying i'm not sure how you function in society? And these are people that you've already seen pictures of.

 

What happens if you have a lunch meeting with an unattractive person at work? Do you quit your job?

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Cookiesandough

I dated online briefly, and I really don't understand how so many people meet people who misrepresent their appearance so drastically. Granted, I didnt meet that many people and I'm a woman. I don't know if that matters. Does this really happen a lot. I had the men who wanted to Skype and such but with all the options, they sort of fell out sight. It seemed a bit paranoid or something. I actually asked one guy about this one a date. We had a "have you ever met someone who wasn't who they said they were" convo and he said something like "for the most part no one has looked too different, but even if they did, the worst thing is that I had a new experience and got to meet a new person" probably bs lol you're likely a little irritated, but I agree for the most part

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i just don't understand the whole concept of "ditching" out on a date just because you aren't attracted to them.

 

Is it really going to kill you to sit through a meal or drink with someone and have some conversation?

 

And cookies, it doesn't happen all that often at least in my experience. I have never been led on by "fake" pictures. Of course I don't pay much attention to that, I'm more about who they are as a person.

 

I have met many people in my time, that at first I didn't find them all that attractive, but they won me over by personality and humor.

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Cookiesandough

I'd actually find it a bit intriguing or amusing depending on how great the contrast. I'd never ditch for looks alone.

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I see so much on here about guys saying the woman was fat when she showed up and they're repulsed, that I was thinking about how to minimize her humiliation because some of those guys can be cruel about it. If everyone was civilized and well mannered, it wouldn't have to be so humiliating for the rejected one, but there are a lot of people who are not good at concealing their distaste. If it were me, I'd rather not have to sit down with them. I think first dates are tense no matter what, but having to wait for the verdict would be even worse. Just a thought.

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I would think if someone were going to be that rude or unpleasant, they would show their cards right at the beginning of the date. Giving the person being insulted a chance to punch them and leave :)

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This thread is kind of a broken record with the other threads about asking for extra pictures and asking for special requirements for women so that all their measurements are on the site.

 

If you really are repulsed by that many of the people you meet that the thought of spending a couple of hours getting to know them even if there isn't an attraction there is so horrifying i'm not sure how you function in society? And these are people that you've already seen pictures of.

 

What happens if you have a lunch meeting with an unattractive person at work? Do you quit your job?

 

i just don't understand the whole concept of "ditching" out on a date just because you aren't attracted to them.

 

Is it really going to kill you to sit through a meal or drink with someone and have some conversation?

 

And cookies, it doesn't happen all that often at least in my experience. I have never been led on by "fake" pictures. Of course I don't pay much attention to that, I'm more about who they are as a person.

 

I have met many people in my time, that at first I didn't find them all that attractive, but they won me over by personality and humor.

If I'm paying it will

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I had one OLD experience, where the guy and I went and walked around a park, we were holding hands and we made out a little. When he asked me back to his place I politely declined and said maybe next time.

 

The next day I messaged him and told him I was excited to see him again. He told me he would never see me again, because he thought I wasn't physically attractive. Then he told me never to message him again and blocked me. I'm pretty sure he felt rejected because I didn't go to his place.

 

I wasn't physically attractive, but attractive enough to try and get sex from? the mind boggles.... Usually, if you are not attracted to someone you don't make out with them then ask them back to your place lol

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GunslingerRoland
If I'm paying it will

 

Ok, lets look it like this. You are more likely to meet someone with an incompatible personality through online dating than you are someone you aren't attracted to.. can you agree with me on that? (I'm hoping for the average person they are attracted to a much higher percentage of the opposite sex than they'd actually be compatible to date)

 

If so then why the panic over the unlikely event that the person isn't attractive at all in person (when they looked attractive in their pictures) vs. the highly more likely event that you just don't get along well with that person.

 

Either way you're still paying the same bill. And in the former scenario you can at least enjoy the conversation.

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Cookiesandough

I think OD 1st dates should be really casual for the comfort of both parties. It's not just about looks. I'd always suggest something like a coffee or drink meet (once antique store browsing bc we both liked those ) instead when men asked me for dinner or more stuff because I don't like the feeling of not meeting a person's expectations more than the opposite. I don't want someone to feel obligated out of politeness to sit through a 4 course meal with me or pay if there's nothing there.

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I see so much on here about guys saying the woman was fat when she showed up and they're repulsed,

 

Anyone on here who had been doing the OLD thing for a good time just instinctively know how to vette profiles and understand OLD profile pics to look for signs of flat deception.

 

I really don't understand how so many people meet people who misrepresent their appearance so drastically.

 

Some dudes (maybe because of desperation) just say what the heck I’ll meet her and get seriously disappointed wasting time and money and the other persons time as well.

 

If people were simply more selective, heed the red flag clues would not have “first date” issues.

 

If someone had first date issues over and freaking over they need to reevaluate their dating selection process.

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who said anything about paying? This is a thread about not even meeting the person after you get a glance at them....

 

And if you're worried about paying, why not ask before the date or meeting if they are willing to pay their half the bill?

 

People seemed to be so wrapped up in looks, they are PEOPLE, with life experiences, goals, and a heart. What is so bad about meeting someone? Even if you don't find them physically appealing, so what, the very least is you could make a new friend.

 

I'm beginning to find threads like these tiring... with some very shallow people.

 

Maybe if more people looked at OLD as a social avenue, to meet people you wouldn't normally meet anywhere else, their expectations wouldn't be so high. Everyone thinks they are going to meet the love of their life, whos a supermodel and there will be hearts and flowers and glitter forever....

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I had one OLD experience, where the guy and I went and walked around a park, we were holding hands and we made out a little. When he asked me back to his place I politely declined and said maybe next time.

 

The next day I messaged him and told him I was excited to see him again. He told me he would never see me again, because he thought I wasn't physically attractive. Then he told me never to message him again and blocked me. I'm pretty sure he felt rejected because I didn't go to his place.

 

I wasn't physically attractive, but attractive enough to try and get sex from? the mind boggles.... Usually, if you are not attracted to someone you don't make out with them then ask them back to your place lol

 

Oh, no, that wasn't about you not being attractive or him having hurt feelings. That was about him trying to get instant sex and having no interest in anything but that. What a jackass! He's punishing women by insulting them just because they won't have sex on the first date. He is a little spoiled toddler between his ears (and probably down below too)

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who said anything about paying? This is a thread about not even meeting the person after you get a glance at them....

 

And if you're worried about paying, why not ask before the date or meeting if they are willing to pay their half the bill?

 

People seemed to be so wrapped up in looks, they are PEOPLE, with life experiences, goals, and a heart. What is so bad about meeting someone? Even if you don't find them physically appealing, so what, the very least is you could make a new friend.

 

I'm beginning to find threads like these tiring... with some very shallow people.

 

Maybe if more people looked at OLD as a social avenue, to meet people you wouldn't normally meet anywhere else, their expectations wouldn't be so high. Everyone thinks they are going to meet the love of their life, whos a supermodel and there will be hearts and flowers and glitter forever....

 

Lilyana, most guys are just not out there on OLD to make friends with women. Their priority is sex. Women would often be perfectly happy just being friends, but guys aren't that way for the most part. I agree what's wrong with meeting a new person, but given how someone usually gets rejected, it's not that easy to continue with a friendship after a mere first date. Do you want to be friends with a guy who doesn't think you're attractive and rejected you because of that or with whom you have little in common?

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well first off, I wouldn't meet with someone i have little in common with.

 

When OLD do you not message people for a little bit before you agree to a first meet to get all that "things in common" stuff out of the way? or READ profiles?

 

And if most guys are on there for sex.. well, I'm really screwed (pun intended)

 

This is why I decided yet again, to delete my OLD app and profile. I figure I'll meet the right one at the right time.

 

I have met two men, that I still chat with and consider friends. So it wasn't a complete lost cause. Just no interest in pursuing a relationship mutually. But thats two decent guys out of about 15 meets. All the others just wanted sex, and stopped talking to me when I refused.

 

I never had one stand me up, or tell me I didn't look like my pictures. So really how common is that?

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I forgot which OLD site it was but a couple years ago they published some stats saying that the overwhelming majority of guys just look at the photo and don't read the profile, so that should tell you what they're interested in. It also said a lot of women just looked at photos too but not nearly as big a percentage.

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That just shows me how much society is brain-fed on what beauty is.

 

Some tribes in Africa think its beautiful to have extremely long necks. But here in the western world, they would be looked at as freaks. Not human beings.

 

Maybe I'm too open minded... Plus I'm a very social person. I have a very approachable personality, so I maybe thats why I look at it so differently. Just meeting another person, not meeting a potential mate, first off.

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That just shows me how much society is brain-fed on what beauty is.

 

Some tribes in Africa think its beautiful to have extremely long necks. But here in the western world, they would be looked at as freaks. Not human beings.

 

Maybe I'm too open minded... Plus I'm a very social person. I have a very approachable personality, so I maybe thats why I look at it so differently. Just meeting another person, not meeting a potential mate, first off.

 

Being very sociable like you are opens up a lot of doors and overcomes a lot of obstacles. Yes, different cultures have different ideas of beauty. Honestly, I would say if you are very social, to not even bother with OLD because you can just meet people anywhere you go! And that's much better because you meet them and may have something in common since you're in the same place. And you probably present better in person since you are confident and at ease, so photos probably aren't your best presentation either.

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CaliforniaGirl

I wouldn't agree to such a thing. Pictures should be accurate. If they aren't, for shame, but literally just turning around and walking away...? That shows what you're made of, not what the other person is made of.

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CaliforniaGirl
I had one OLD experience, where the guy and I went and walked around a park, we were holding hands and we made out a little. When he asked me back to his place I politely declined and said maybe next time.

 

The next day I messaged him and told him I was excited to see him again. He told me he would never see me again, because he thought I wasn't physically attractive. Then he told me never to message him again and blocked me. I'm pretty sure he felt rejected because I didn't go to his place.

 

I wasn't physically attractive, but attractive enough to try and get sex from? the mind boggles.... Usually, if you are not attracted to someone you do

n't make out with them then ask them back to your place lol

 

He was trying to hurt you "back" (in his perception) because you "hurt" him by rejecting him, so he said what he felt would hurt the most.

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i really like a nice long beard on a man... i find it sexy.

 

I'm not going to drive away or not meet someone just because they dont have one....

 

I like men that are "soft", not skinny, not obese, not overly muscular... but easy to cuddle. Doesn't mean if I see someone skinnier or fatter or more muscular, that they might not be someone I wouldn't enjoy getting to know...

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normal person
I see so much on here about guys saying the woman was fat when she showed up and they're repulsed, that I was thinking about how to minimize her humiliation because some of those guys can be cruel about it.

 

I don't really have strong feelings either way on this, so just playing devil's advocate: why is it someone's responsibility to minimize humiliation when the other person lied about their appearance? Everyone's entitled to their own preferences, as ridiculous as some may seem. So if a man desires a thin woman and agrees to take a woman out on the premise that she's in fact thin, why is it his responsibility to mitigate the humiliation of a situation she willfully lied about and put herself in? If the woman wanted to avoid negative backlash, she shouldn't have lied to the guy and wasted his time, no matter how egregious his desires are. If you don't like the conditions, don't agree to the date.

 

If everyone was civilized and well mannered, it wouldn't have to be so humiliating for the rejected one, but there are a lot of people who are not good at concealing their distaste.

 

But if people were well-mannered, they wouldn't misrepresent themselves online in the first place.

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I've found meeting for ice cream is the best first OLD date. It's fun, casual, and can be cut relatively short if things aren't going well. On the other hand, if there's a good connection it's easy to extend the date to dinner or something else.

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