Falling in love with best friend of 20 years

[MrSadSouls]

Okay so I've known my girl best friend for since we were 4, which is almost 20 years. We've never had anything romantic together, but we are best friends.

 

So we've been through a lot together and helped each other get through a lot. I honestly never though I'd have feelings for her, our friendship just seemed so perfect that the thought of being anything more always seemed odd.

 

Just recently we went away on a trip with each other for a week. It was such a great time, and it seems like I'm beginning to fall in love with her. I don't want to be, I hate the thought of losing her. She has pulled me up through some seriously tough times in my life where I just wanted to lay down.

 

What do I do? I don't want to admit these feelings to her. But they're getting stronger and stronger.

[Lilyana76]

Some of the best relationships start this way, you know each other well, there isn't anything you could find out about them that would really be a turn off or deal breaker.

 

You have to decide if its worth it to you to venture into a relationship, or if you would rather have her around as a friend forever.

 

Just because a relationship wouldn't work out, does that mean you wont be friends after?

 

How would you feel if she met someone? Would you be able to handle it if someone else made her happy and you could have had the chance but didn't take it?

[Alamo657]

Okay so I've known my girl best friend for since we were 4, which is almost 20 years. We've never had anything romantic together, but we are best friends.

 

So we've been through a lot together and helped each other get through a lot. I honestly never though I'd have feelings for her, our friendship just seemed so perfect that the thought of being anything more always seemed odd.

 

Just recently we went away on a trip with each other for a week. It was such a great time, and it seems like I'm beginning to fall in love with her. I don't want to be, I hate the thought of losing her. She has pulled me up through some seriously tough times in my life where I just wanted to lay down.

 

What do I do? I don't want to admit these feelings to her. But they're getting stronger and stronger.

Men and women cant be real friends, sex always gets in the way, and someone is frustrated.

[Larryville]

Ok OP, this is my skeptical side processing here because when I see guys post threads like this the first thing that comes to my mind is… so you have known this girl almost all your life, but now that she had grown into likely this hot woman suddenly she had turned into this “love interest?”

 

If she were not “hot” would she be worthy of pursuing?

 

Basic qualities of a “best friend”

No judgments

Genuine

Acceptance

Trustworthy

 

If a person is indeed a “best friend” is risking a relationship with such a person worth it?

 

How much “value” do we put on true worthwhile friendships?

 

Just saw….

 

sex always gets in the way

 

yup…

[MrSadSouls]

Ok OP, this is my skeptical side processing here because when I see guys post threads like this the first thing that comes to my mind is… so you have known this girl almost all your life, but now that she had grown into likely this hot woman suddenly she had turned into this “love interest?”

 

If she were not “hot” would she be worthy of pursuing?

 

Basic qualities of a “best friend”

No judgments

Genuine

Acceptance

Trustworthy

 

If a person is indeed a “best friend” is risking a relationship with such a person worth it?

 

How much “value” do we put on true worthwhile friendships?

 

Just saw….

 

 

 

yup…

 

Well that's exactly it. I don't want it to be this way, I don't want to be in love with her. She means too much to me, I'd hate to lose her.

[CaliforniaGirl]

Tell her how you feel.

[CaliforniaGirl]

Well that's exactly it. I don't want it to be this way, I don't want to be in love with her. She means too much to me, I'd hate to lose her.

 

Even in love - yes, the most romantic, encompassing love - we DO have a choice. I firmly believe that.

 

We partially *lead ourselves* into love.

 

If you truly DON'T want this type of association with her, TURN OFF the "lovey" stuff and turn on the times you've seen her puking after a party, the things she's said that were too tomboyish or too this or too that or that you just entirely disagreed with, and other non-"lovey" things. That will be your start to shaking this out of your head.

 

But it's up to you.

 

I feel that a part of you must want to feel this way or you'd just be laughing it off.

[Mrlonelyone]

Men and women cant be real friends, sex always gets in the way, and someone is frustrated.

 

That applies more to people who met as adults. This is someone he's known since he was a kid.

[Mrlonelyone]

Well that's exactly it. I don't want it to be this way, I don't want to be in love with her. She means too much to me, I'd hate to lose her.

 

The fact she went on a trip with you... just you and her? Or was there a group? If there was a group were you and her spending some alone time (not sexual just alone) together?

 

Women often don't SAY they want X they take actions and it's up to men to pick up on them. If she went on a trip just with you that may mean that on some level she sees you as more than a friend.

 

As for the idea that men and women can't be friends that is not true. The best relationships are based on true actual friendship.

 

What confuses people is when some women (and men) use "friendship" to let someone down easy. That is not the case here. You have known this woman since she was a 4 year old girl and her you.

 

You have seen eachother covered in mud and ickyness and maybe even messing yourselves as kids. You have seen eachother sick and when things weren't going to good. You have seen eachother in good times and bad.

 

Take this chance. Take this chance. Take this chance. Most of us here on LS are the unlucky ones and you may be set up to be one of the lucky ones.

 

This kind of thing can work out but it is rare.

6 Secrets Of Childhood Sweethearts Who Stay Together Forever | The Huffington Post

"It’s different for everyone, but it helps if you have sex, argue a lot, believe in God and like Alice Cooper."

 

 

However as others have cautioned could you handle it if things don't work out? Would that be worst to you than having her meet some one else and having not tried? Could you ... perhaps after a cooling off period if things don't work out be friends again. Probably it would just take time.

[Larryville]

Well that's exactly it. I don't want it to be this way, I don't want to be in love with her. She means too much to me, I'd hate to lose her.

 

But see if she is TRULY your best friend… only you deep down, honestly know that… and she is IMPORTANT to you, no “relationship” as far as I’m concerned is worth it.

 

Now if you are “just friends” nothing too deep ok explore the relationship thing, maybe.

 

True friends are like freaking fine diamonds, they are rare and should not be taken likely.

 

But will say again, if you have known her forever, back when she had braces, was awkward and now is HOT any you are like “screw this friend thing” I want more, to me was she or is she a “best friend.”

[preraph]

Unless at some time in the past she has acted attracted and sexually interested in you, I don't see it happening. I mean 20 years. You're like a brother to her at this point.

[MrSadSouls]

The fact she went on a trip with you... just you and her? Or was there a group? If there was a group were you and her spending some alone time (not sexual just alone) together?

 

Women often don't SAY they want X they take actions and it's up to men to pick up on them. If she went on a trip just with you that may mean that on some level she sees you as more than a friend.

 

As for the idea that men and women can't be friends that is not true. The best relationships are based on true actual friendship.

 

What confuses people is when some women (and men) use "friendship" to let someone down easy. That is not the case here. You have known this woman since she was a 4 year old girl and her you.

 

You have seen eachother covered in mud and ickyness and maybe even messing yourselves as kids. You have seen eachother sick and when things weren't going to good. You have seen eachother in good times and bad.

 

Take this chance. Take this chance. Take this chance. Most of us here on LS are the unlucky ones and you may be set up to be one of the lucky ones.

 

This kind of thing can work out but it is rare.

6 Secrets Of Childhood Sweethearts Who Stay Together Forever | The Huffington Post

"It’s different for everyone, but it helps if you have sex, argue a lot, believe in God and like Alice Cooper."

 

 

However as others have cautioned could you handle it if things don't work out? Would that be worst to you than having her meet some one else and having not tried? Could you ... perhaps after a cooling off period if things don't work out be friends again. Probably it would just take time.

 

It was just us on the trip, we shared a hotel room. There were two beds though.

 

But see if she is TRULY your best friend… only you deep down, honestly know that… and she is IMPORTANT to you, no “relationship” as far as I’m concerned is worth it.

 

Now if you are “just friends” nothing too deep ok explore the relationship thing, maybe.

 

True friends are like freaking fine diamonds, they are rare and should not be taken likely.

 

But will say again, if you have known her forever, back when she had braces, was awkward and now is HOT any you are like “screw this friend thing” I want more, to me was she or is she a “best friend.”

 

She truly is my best friend.

 

This is what I'm saying. I don't believe any form of relationship is worth the risk, so I need advice on how to handle feelings. I don't want to meet up with her and have all of these feelings ruin the good times we normally have together.

[kendahke]

so I need advice on how to handle feelings.

that's hard to say because it depends upon what you want the outcome to be.

 

Best case scenario is that you tell her, she confesses her undying love for you and it's win/win. That has a 33 1/3 % chance of successes.

 

However the other 2/3rds are...

 

If you keep it to yourself, then you suffer in silence and have to watch her interactions with other men.

 

If you tell her, it may creep her out because she doesn't feel like that for you and she backs up from the friendship.

 

Unfortunately, depending upon how she feels about you, telling her could end up cooling off your friendship for good because she may feel awkward knowing about how you feel if she's not on the same page.

 

You're going to have to take the risk of telling her if you want an answer. We don't have your answer: she does.

 

Otherwise, you're going to have to put some space between you two until you are over these feelings... and you will eventually have to tell her why you've backed up, if she's your friend.

[kgcolonel]

how does she feel about you? Look at it this way. If she is holding back her feelings and grows frustrated, she will definitely pull back and then you'll lose the friendship.

 

Personally, I have always felt that if you're not moving forward, you're moving backward. You can't stay where you are very long. If you don't talk about this with her, she will eventually find someone else and he or she will not be cool with the level of friendship you now have.....don't get weird on her, if she's that great of a friend, she likely already knows and is waiting for you to take the lead.

[GildedLily]

If you've developed romantic feelings for her then by definition the "friendship" is already over. You lose nothing by telling her how you feel, good luck.

[niji]

I have a male best friend too, I'd totally go on a trip with just the two of us and am confiden nothing will happen. But when others ask me what if he likes me romantically and I imagine it, I cringe and feel like I'd have to pull back (he's never given me any indication that he likes me more than friends, it's just that others are naturally skeptical of our friendship just like many of you on LS are, so they ask the hypothetical all the time). No I won't leave the friendship, it's too precious to me, but,

 

If you've developed romantic feelings for her then by definition the "friendship" is already over. You lose nothing by telling her how you feel, good luck.

 

Is so true. Once a friend develops feelings the friendship is forever changed, with the best scenario both fall in love, and the next best scenario (but still crushing) only one does, the other pulls back but comes around once things calm down.

 

If you have strong feelings you should tell her, she may pull back for a while but if the friendship is great enough, she'll never leave you. She'll just encourage you to fall in love with other women, and once you no longer carry a torch for her, she'll come back.

Edited January 27, 2017 by niji

[Mrlonelyone]

100% agree with this...

 

that's hard to say because it depends upon what you want the outcome to be.

 

Best case scenario is that you tell her, she confesses her undying love for you and it's win/win. That has a 33 1/3 % chance of successes.

 

However the other 2/3rds are...

 

If you keep it to yourself, then you suffer in silence and have to watch her interactions with other men.

 

If you tell her, it may creep her out because she doesn't feel like that for you and she backs up from the friendship.

 

I also see four possibilities.

 

MrSadSouls keeps his mouth shut and then has to watch his friend date other men ... then to top it off it is more than likely those relationships won't work out. Some of those men will treat his friend very badly indeed.

 

The op could ask his friend out. She is then creeped out by being asked out by a friend. A friend knows her intimately and deeply and that is scary to a great many people. Then he still gets to see her date the dirtbags I described above. He is rejected then she chooses men that, most of the time, will be really bad for her. (because that's kinda how dating goes until you meet a husband or wife.)

 

 

She says YES, I want to date you to the op. Then they have a relationship with a strong and stable base of commonality and friendship with no nasty surprises. She doesn't have to worry about finding out he's a player or a two timer. He does not find out some nasty secret about her. They get married and live to a ripe old age together.

 

She says YESI want to date you to the OP. Then after a time of dating or even marriage ... it ends. Depending on how it ends it could end his friendship with the OP for a long time if not for ever.

 

There is a 50% chance he gets that initial yes... but a 25% chance of it really working out without any heartbreak ever.

[MrSadSouls]

The biggest issue for me is that I honestly never thought I would feel this way about her. Like some of the posters have pointed out: I know so much about her, I've been with her through tough times, seen her do gross things. Those are the things that have made our friendship so strong and enduring.

 

Some have pointed out that I now have nothing to lose by telling her. But I do, this really isn't just a friendship. I've known here for two decades - we ran around the playground together at school, we watched each other grow from teens to young adults. We've been there through tough times, we've travelled together. I've been a big brother for her when guys have treated her like ****. She's even broken up with a boyfriend before because he tried telling her that she wasn't allowed a male best friend. I'm not willing to risk our entire history together for something that, I hope, may not develop beyond these early feelings.