CoffeeChick Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 Basically I've been talking to a guy for a while and we seem to get on. He shares some physical traits with my ex, bit shorter than average and slim. My ex wasn't much taller than me and was a lot skinner (underweight really). I got a lot of insecurity over this when I was overweight at the time and now I'm overweight again and find myself potentially dating someone physically very like my ex. My mother told me before I needed someone at least 6 foot and proportional to me (I am not petite in build and quite tall) and I can't seem to get that out of my head. And to top it all, this new guy has a friend who is that 6 foot and bigger build. So I don't even want to contemplate the drama of possibly being attracted to his friend instead of him. Another thing that's making me insecure is he's logging into the dating site where we met on a regular basis. I know I'm not his only choice but he told me he doesn't play games and I'm the only one he's talking to properly. Shame activity logs turn you into a stalker! But he obviously is talking to other people and keeping his options open while supposedly only talking to me. He's had more partners than me so is obviously better overall at dating. I'm not at all and the idea of him flipping through all his choices whilst "connecting" with me is annoying as hell. I know this must be how dating works but is it really like that all the time? Yes I have issues. And I can't afford a therapist. But right now I really need advice on whether I should meet this guy. Any advice is much appreciated. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lansing Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 You haven't even met and you are already thinking he should stop talking to everyone else on this dating site? I think that is high expectation. As a guy, I am sure he has had many situations where he is invested in a girl and it doesn't work out. Like, look at this situation, here he is thinking he would meet you and have a date. Now, you are talking about cancelling the date because of a variety of issues. SO, lets say he spends a week just chatting with you and not anyone else and then "boom" you just cancel out of the blue... What is he left with? Maybe you just aren't into this guy enough and you should move on but don't waste his time. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Erik30 Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 Normally I would say "just go, nothing to lose"... but you're looking for so many excuses why it won't work, you would probably be wasting his time. You're obviously not into him so maybe it's better to cancel 1 Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 Yes I have issues. You need to resolve your own issues before you can be a healthy partner. Get your own stuff squared away first, then date. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 snip Yes I have issues. And *I can't afford a therapist. But right now I really need advice on whether I should meet this guy. Any advice is much appreciated. If you can't afford therapy, there is a free and effective alternative you could employ. It sounds like you don't really want to go, so don't go. But if you're just nervous about it, it might be good to go, rather than give in to the nervousness. Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
normal person Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 Another thing that's making me insecure is he's logging into the dating site where we met on a regular basis. How would you know that if you weren't logging in there yourself? And do you really expect him to stop going on there just because you've "talked?" I know I'm not his only choice but he told me he doesn't play games and I'm the only one he's talking to properly. Shame activity logs turn you into a stalker! But he obviously is talking to other people and keeping his options open while supposedly only talking to me. I'm not at all and the idea of him flipping through all his choices whilst "connecting" with me is annoying as hell. I know this must be how dating works but is it really like that all the time? "Connecting" is a strong word considering you haven't met the guy yet. He's just someone you've spoken to. He doesn't really owe you anything until you meet and make choices from there. Here's the thing -- you don't owe him anything either. If you want to talk to someone else before you meet him too, he has no reason to stop you. It's like if you meet a guy at a bar, you talk for a minute, but then has to go and use the restroom. On his way over, someone else strikes up a conversation with him. Not "ideal" for you, but you certainly don't have any semblance of ownership over him for just talking to him first. Conversely, maybe he comes back to find some other guy has started talking to you as well, and there's nothing he can do about that. Secondly, it's your kind of approach to all this that reinforces the idea that he should talk to someone else. You've been talking, but for some reason(s), you're already thinking about not meeting up with him, so in that case he invested that time and got nothing out of it. Or, you might go out and you might not like each other. He's preparing himself for those instances and others like it so he's got other options. No one said the process was easy or nice. It's competitive and Darwinian. Yes I have issues. And I can't afford a therapist. But right now I really need advice on whether I should meet this guy. Any advice is much appreciated. Not to diminish what you're feeling, but the problems you're listing are really sort of arbitrary for the time being considering you haven't even met the guy yet. These are all things to maybe consider after you go out, and then, only if you like him. There's no reason to expend this much mental energy on someone before you even meet them in person. For most people the process would be more like this: Talk online, text a little bit, agree to meet up, decide if it's worth seeing each other again, then if so, consider all these things you're worried about. For those reasons I think you're unnecessarily stressing out about it too much at this point, and there's no need at this point. Best of luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
purrrfectlyflawed Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 You have not even met yet and you really have no idea if you will be interested in him and vice versa. Stop stalking his online activity. Get a life outside of your online life. So yes you should meet him and see if there is any real connection. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CoffeeChick Posted January 10, 2017 Author Share Posted January 10, 2017 Thanks for all the replies. I did meet him and we got on well. Not sure if there is much chemistry and since meeting not sure if I'm that bothered about seeing him again. I know, the online stalking is not good. Modern technology doesn't exactly help by showing you activity logs but but it's not healthy for me to do. Guess I'm just that unused to the world of dating I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. Last time, my ex and I didn't even look at other people when we started going out. But I overanalysed then too. Sometimes I feel like every time I get remotely close to dating someone, I freak and start to look for reasons why it won't happen or it will go wrong. I've probably spent too many years with book boyfriends and not out in the real world. Maybe I am one of those people who will end up alone because they just can't help overanalysing and not having everything match up to the perfect scenario in their head. I don't know how to change this behaviour. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts