Colleen Posted April 14, 2005 Share Posted April 14, 2005 Someone Please Give Me Advice...Okay so I have now been dating my boyfriend for a month. Two weeks ago we started saying I Love You to each other..All of a sudden the other day my boyfriend and I had a talk ( he brought it up)..he told me that he loves me but, he is not in love with me...I told him I felt the same way at this point..I guess he brought it up because he didn't want to say something he didn't mean yet...We both decidided we were moving prety fast and to slow it down a bit..We decided to stop saying I love you until we really ment it...My question is this whole conversation neccisarliy a bad thing..I mean we both do love each other just not in love with each other yet, afterall the realationship is very new..should i be conserned that he brought this to my attention??? Thank You.. Link to post Share on other sites
Marshbear Posted April 14, 2005 Share Posted April 14, 2005 I would be a little concerned because he's basically saying he loves you like a friend or sister. I would guess he brought it up because he wants you to know he isn't ready for a romantic relationship. If this continues you will have to look elsewhere. He might just be going slow but I would watch for the signs of platonic love vs. romantic love. Has he ever kissed you yet? Does he compliment you and tell you your hot or sexy? Does he spend lot s of time with you? Does he spend money on you? etc...... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Colleen Posted April 14, 2005 Author Share Posted April 14, 2005 Yes we have kissed and we do spends lots of time together..all our available time together atually..and yeah he always pays when we go out...I think we may just be moving too fast..i dont know... Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted April 14, 2005 Share Posted April 14, 2005 Originally posted by Colleen ...We both decidided we were moving prety fast man, that is the understatement of the year! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Colleen Posted April 14, 2005 Author Share Posted April 14, 2005 what do u mean by that??? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Colleen Posted April 14, 2005 Author Share Posted April 14, 2005 U see..the last week before we had that " i love you talk" we had been having a lot of disagreements..and actually before he had brought up the subject of love , he brought up the fighting...and how we can't be disagreeing like that every night..and than followed the..I love you but not in love with u talk..we both agreed to only say it when we ment it..the part i am confused about is..why would he even bring that up ..it's just like a red flag to me...am i looking in to it too much or not?? Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 14, 2005 Share Posted April 14, 2005 A month is just long enough for some people to lose the infatuation that caused them to jump straight into the "I love you's". If he is telling you that this early on, but not breaking up - then he must at least like you enough to continue seeing you. He got to know you, the infatuation wore off, and he decided he didn't feel 'that way' about you right now, but was willing to see if he really could feel that way with time. So, he's backing it up some. He may still be interested in pursuing something with you, but you will want to let that be entirely on his terms if you expect it to last. If you try to increase it past a pace he's comfortable with, you'll get the "I need space" talk. Then its pretty much over. Unfortunately, you are still in the infatuated stage - so its not likely you are going to see anything right now but what appears to be signs of hope for this relationship. Just try to drop down to his pace. There's nothing to analyze or discuss or dissect. Its a simple case of his infatuation wearing off, and he's at the point now where he is deciding on how he really feels about you. Just take it as it is, at face value - do NOT try to push it back into that infatuation stage. Think in terms of moving forward. Slowly. And don't overtalk the relationship. Nothing kills a new relationship faster than obsessing over 'the future of the relationship'. Enjoy it in the here and now, for what it is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Colleen Posted April 14, 2005 Author Share Posted April 14, 2005 I guess you are right , I will have to see what happens..I am actually thinking of calling things quits..I am really turned off by his statement. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Colleen Posted April 14, 2005 Author Share Posted April 14, 2005 this may sound odd but, i have actually for some reason been thinking about calling my ex. boyfriend...is that a bad idea?? Link to post Share on other sites
Pendawn Posted April 14, 2005 Share Posted April 14, 2005 Originally posted by Colleen this may sound odd but, i have actually for some reason been thinking about calling my ex. boyfriend...is that a bad idea?? Uh yes. You need to calm down IMO. You've been with a guy a month and in that time you've both declared "I love you", had enough fights that it needed to be talked about, and then he's said he loves you but isn't in love with you, now you're thinking of bailing to get some comfort from your ex. It's like an entire relationship in microcosm. If you are having so many fights and you're thinking of getting with someone else you are NOT in love with this guy. Slow down, stop expecting to be in a deep relationship so soon and just enjoy spending time with your current guy. If in the end it doesn't work out, break it off with him THEN contact your ex. Edit: Um also, have you read your own signature?? Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted April 14, 2005 Share Posted April 14, 2005 I think we learn that * fast relationships * that progress so quickly can also die a *quick death.* Saying I love you so early really means " I love the way you kiss me and how you make my heart race " Love - *Real Love*- takes * time * to develop. And the only way to know that person for all they really are....is by spending time with them. Not in the bedroom . But in the kitchen.....In real life situations... In conflict... In serious issues being discussed.... In restauraunts where you see how he/she treats the wait staff. ..... There are a million things to learn about that person and only after you have learned them all , can you truly LOVE that person and can overlook any negative aspects. Some things cannot be overlooked and thus we have the " Break Up " where it simply ends in one partners heart. The love part does not see his dirty underwear thrown on the floor... the casserole pan sitting on the counter for 3 days without someone cleaning it. The nuances and the differences.... How does one learn of such dirty underwear and dirty dishes ? By spending **Time** with that person and over a course of time, we either decide that we dont mind his dirty underwear or hygeine habits or * we do * ( As examples ) I think Infatuation runs a course of about 2 months. Real long term love can last a lifetime if you both go into it with clear heads.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Colleen Posted April 14, 2005 Author Share Posted April 14, 2005 thanks for the input . I am probably over reacting abit, and should appreciate he told me the truth. Neither of us should have said I love you unless we truely ment it..I guess this is not necessarliy a bad thing, just that we should take it slow..because I guess that a month really isn't a long time and need time for our realtionship to grow..thanks- Link to post Share on other sites
Auz Posted April 15, 2005 Share Posted April 15, 2005 'I lust you' does not mean 'I love you' Link to post Share on other sites
Author Colleen Posted April 17, 2005 Author Share Posted April 17, 2005 Well the other day my boyfriend and I broke up...It was an odd break up. He was taking to me for a good five minutes about how he has this feeling we aren't gona work out, and than he actually asks me if we are broken up?? Of course I said yes..We talked about why we broke up and, it is because we rushed into our relationship too fast, and it seems that it had caused some of the chemistry to burn down..He did say to me though that " who knows maybe in a week i will realize i made a big mistake"..I don't know what to do..I really do miss him and its' been 2 day's since i spoke iwth him..My friends all told me not to call him, to let him call me and let him miss me....does anyone have any advice...??? Does it seem like we may get back together..?? Help me please... Link to post Share on other sites
very-confused-girl Posted April 17, 2005 Share Posted April 17, 2005 I honestly dont know if there is a chance for you and your boyfriend get back together again. The fact is that you have run into things too quickly in my view, which is something what possibly destroyed the relatioship and even if you get back together again, where would you start again? You cant undo the fast development our your relationship that already happened and start things off from the very begining. I mean it is not completely impossible, but you would have to start completely from the scratch and go to the stage where you meet someone and you kind of "nibbling each other" if you know what I mean. You have already made such a fast progress that there might be no way back. You cant turn back the time. People actually are being excited and infatuated for the first one or two months in the relationship and then the love starts to develop. But it is still the "blinded love". The way you are going to love somebody after two years of being with the person is not even similar and close to how you loved the person after two months in relationship. Next time you should go a bit slower and not be saying "I love you´s" too quickly. Let the love progress slowly. I think it is a big mistake to demand something from your boyfriend so early and making such big deals and big fights. After one months, you both are not obliged to each other yet, you have to let things develop. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Colleen Posted April 17, 2005 Author Share Posted April 17, 2005 Thanks, I think i am just gona give things some time right now...we will see what happens. Link to post Share on other sites
Pendawn Posted April 17, 2005 Share Posted April 17, 2005 Originally posted by Colleen Does it seem like we may get back together..?? Help me please... Honestly, I don't think so. Things seemed to go way too fast, and if you'd only been dating a month and had got to a stage where you were fighting every night (as you said further up the thread) then I can't see a relationship like that having a future. When you've rushed so much into spending ALL yoru free time together, saying I love you etc, it's very hard to go backwards and start afresh, taking it slowly and getting to know each other. I think you just have to accept that it was a time of great chemistry that fizzled out very quickly, and move on. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
MySugaree Posted April 17, 2005 Share Posted April 17, 2005 Nothing kills a new relationship faster than obsessing over 'the future of the relationship'. Enjoy it in the here and now, for what it is. So true, LB, so true. I'm moving way back from someone with whom I've been involved for about 4 months who's already talking children! And these are not isolated comments. She talks about this for hours at a time. That is extremely off-putting early in a relationship: Way too much, way too soon. As a result of all the let's-have- kids talks, and a certain possessiveness, I have moved away from her. Early in a relationship, when everything is tender and vulnerable, and an even keel is most important, watch the pacing. If one partner outpaces the other, and the outpaced partner is made very uncomfortable, the alienating effect can kill the young relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Colleen Posted April 17, 2005 Author Share Posted April 17, 2005 I really miss him...Is there anything I should do to get him back..should i call him ?? Link to post Share on other sites
Pendawn Posted April 17, 2005 Share Posted April 17, 2005 Originally posted by Colleen I really miss him...Is there anything I should do to get him back..should i call him ?? No. The only hope you have that he will change his mind and want you back is if he realises how much he misses you. the only way that will happen is if you are not around, otherwise he can't miss you. He will contact you if he misses you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Colleen Posted April 17, 2005 Author Share Posted April 17, 2005 Thats true..Im just gona give him his space right now, and let him miss me..thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted April 17, 2005 Share Posted April 17, 2005 Excellent Posts by Sugaree and Confused Girl.....please read what they have to say ( original poster ) because its very valuable information. Being where you are now...sadly its NO.....its not going to go back.....to where it was. So you need to prepare for the loss now...the greiving ...crying...because that is how you move forward. DO NOT call that person....that will just end in more HURT . MY best advice is what you do TODAY and for TOMORROW...and that is LEARN from what you just did. Don't rush. I, for instance am seeing a man for about 4 months and we do not say we love eachother. I put him in the friends category. Neither of us is in a rush. Hes great to hang out with. There is no pressure That would have seemed a strange foreign concept to me earlier but I like it now ! I do see others as well and never rush anything anymore. Never try to mold someone...control someone...scold someone....just enjoy the day for what it brings and if someday MR Right comes along then I will take that even slower. !! lol The idea here is to find happiness in YOURSELF and that person becomes a *compliment* rather than a **necessity**. You should never NEED someone , you should rather let them know that you can take them or leave them because if they GO out of your life , you will NOT be devastated,. You will be whole still....and get on with your life. Link to post Share on other sites
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