MiamiMami Posted April 11, 2005 Share Posted April 11, 2005 My boyfriend complains about the girls in music videos how they are sluts and it is good I don't dress and act like them yet he watches those videos a lot when we're watching tv together. I don't want to seem jealous and tell him to turn the channel, but how could he put them down then still seem to be enjoy watching them? I feel like I'm not good enough and it brings me down. My face isn't as perfect, my boobs aren't as big and I can't move my butt like them but I have to sit there watching them with him. I think he only tells me those things to make me feel better and maybe deep down he really enjoys how they look. I could never measure up to that and it made me depressed this past weekend. What should I do? Link to post Share on other sites
Barby Posted April 11, 2005 Share Posted April 11, 2005 Get some self esteem and get over it. Obviously these girls are on TV because they are beautiful and willing to flaunt what they have in order to gain money or fame or whatever it is they think they need. Remember all guys like to look at beautiful women...that's how they sell most everything nowdays (sexy women to entice men into watching them/buying things, ect) sadly sex sells everything. Anyway even if he is attracted to them...they are figures on a tv screen, if it meant that much to him to have a woman who looked like that he would be with one who looked like that but obviously you said you don't yet he is still with you. Those women are not bringing down your self esteem, your self esteem must be low already for something like this to bother you. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted April 11, 2005 Share Posted April 11, 2005 hun, they are like digitally enhanced, he obviously loves you....what is the deal with this insecurity?? It's just a music video! I watch them, too! Does that make me want those chicks? I think they are hot, but I know they aren't real. It's all camera angles, and wardrobe, and 3 hours a day of cardio and pilates, and rehearsals. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted April 11, 2005 Share Posted April 11, 2005 Remember all guys like to look at beautiful women...Ummmmm, hey.....this applies to women too barb.......they are like digitally enhanced,Really, go to glamour shots and get done up........you'd be just as hot!!! Heck, I bet they could make me just as sexy as those girls....... You'll never relax totally until you quit giving a care about what other people think........ Link to post Share on other sites
Author MiamiMami Posted April 11, 2005 Author Share Posted April 11, 2005 Ok, that is a good point that he wouldn't be with me if he wanted to be with a girl that looked as good as the music video ones. Maybe I feel insecure to begin with since he is very good looking and I am barely average so I feel even more threatened seeing those beautiful girls on the screen. It is very hard but I will try to live with it. Sometimes I feel so hurt that I have to excuse myself to the bathroom so I don't start crying. I can only take so many boobs and booties flaunting. I did test him by saying I was thinking of getting some procedures like breast implants or lip enhancements to see how he'd react - he got angry and said he'd never see me again. That's why I'm confused how he could enjoy watching all these girls who stand for something he supposedly does not like. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted April 11, 2005 Share Posted April 11, 2005 Dude, why are you talking so badly about yourself? I mean honestly, you r guy is watching music videos, and you are excusing yourself to sit in the bathroom to cry because it hurts your feelings that he watched TV?? You need to be more confident in yourself. Here's the thing. Two girls, right? One is super hot, the other less hot but with a great energy and bubbly personality. In pictures, most people will pic the super hot girl as the most attractive, but get them both in the same room and everyone will think Ms. Personality is hotter, I guarantee it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MiamiMami Posted April 12, 2005 Author Share Posted April 12, 2005 Thanks for that advice blind otter. Next time I will try to be that bubbly person I used to be instead of sulking then he asks what's wrong, I say nothing, and he gets annoyed. My bf has dated models in the past (he is so gorgeous I can't help but wonder why he is with me even though he says because I'm intelligent and challenging and stuff like that) and complains they were not interesting to spend a lot of time with. We have a lot of deep conversations on various topics and enjoy our company even if sitting doing nothing. But I've been feeling so insecure about my looks that I clam up and he has no idea what is wrong with me. He's been so patient. I should try to bring out my energy more which has been getting weaker and weaker as my insecurities have gained strength. The problem is it's easier said than done. I really hope I can do it or else I am losing him by turning into an unhappy person obsessed with comparing myself with beautiful women. Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted April 12, 2005 Share Posted April 12, 2005 Looks aren't everything. A good looking woman that has nothing else to offer and is entertaining for about two hours, okay maybe with Alpha 36 hours, but after that there's nothing else to do with them. You can only stand around looking at a woman for so long and eventually, when there's nothing to talk about and nothing else to do than screw each other it gets really boring. Stop buying into the bull**** that attractive people got it all going on. I take brains over looks every single day. My husband isn't the best looking man, average looks, average size, but he's so damn smart it drives me crazy. Just debating with him gets me all ready to go. Obviously your boyfriend tried the "all looks" kind of girl and didn't find what he wanted. He's not forced to be with you, stop trash talking and mistreating yourself. It'd be just as unacceptable if someone else were doing it to you. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted April 12, 2005 Share Posted April 12, 2005 Is there something that you can do for yourself that will help you to feel better about yourself? Name one feature of yours that you think is beautiful, or has the potential to be beautiful. Maybe whitening your teeth, getting your nails done, a new hair style, a different style of clothes, etc. Just one thing that you can take pride in. Take care of that one thing, pamper it, nourish it, and when you start to feel bad about yourself - hold on to that one thing. It may be a starting point for you to become more confident in yourself. Once you have that one thing - move on to other things. Maybe sitting with better posture. Walk without looking down. Smile more. Take it a step at a time and tell yourself that you are beautiful and worthy of being loved. It sounds from your post that you don't think you are worthy of being loved. You ARE worthy of being loved. Everyone is. You have a boyfriend that cares for you -- to his eyes you are beautiful. I'll bet he doesn't compare you to others -- YOU are the one making the comparisons. No one on the planet can be thought beautiful by everyone. There are stars that so many think are drop-dead beautiful and my husband doesn't think they are attractive at all. Then there are others who are average and he thinks they are beautiful. The same with men--hubby and I were watching a movie once a long time ago and he commented to me "I wish I looked like that for you" and I just stared at him. "Huh? Who?" He was comparing himself to his idea of a georgeous man, and I thought the guy was very unattractive! He couldn't believe it when I told him the actors that made my knees weak! One of the women he thinks is absolutely georgeous is Shirley Jones (remember the mom on the Partridge Family?) I still think one of the sexiest actors ever was Danny Kaye Hubby and I don't look anything like either of those celebrities and our attraction to each other goes far deeper and is far more meaningful and THAT is what is beautiful about us. What is beautiful about you and your boyfriend? C'mon--you can think of some things! You said your guy dated models or model-types. Well, sometimes we date people because we wear them like accessories -- but those relationships don't normally last. Once they show off their 'prize' and are alone, the magic is gone and there is no substance to the relationship. Friends and family will be more impressed when they see someone who is obviously happy with the person and not just showing off an accessory. When I was younger I dated a guy who was 6' 6" tall just so I could wear my highest heels. He looked good on my arm. We dated for nine months. He dated me because I looked good on his arm. We had virtually nothing else in common and it ended. I prefer to be desired for myself, not for how I look. You need to work on getting to that point and improving your self-confidence. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MiamiMami Posted April 12, 2005 Author Share Posted April 12, 2005 I can't thank you all enough for your feedback. What a difference your words have made. I feel so much better about myself that i can't wait to see my bf so I could try out my new attitude towards the situation. That is good advice that I should focus on one little thing at a time, like my nails or clothes - whatever that will make me feel better and more confident about myself that I have control over. I think I will watch some music videos on my own with a notepad and write down how they make me feel, then analyze those feelings with respect to the information in these posts to help me get over them so I won't be consumed with too many emotions when I watch the videos with my boyfriend. I can remind myself that the girls could be digitally enhanced, done up and so on. But the more I think about it, the tougher it seems. The are, after all real girls who are good looking and the bottom line is I don't look as good so that is an issue I have to overcome. The thought that I can really change how I feel gives me hope and is empowering. My insecurities have been eating me up alive. I keep thinking he deserves to have a beautiful woman - I am not an eyecandy type he can show off on his arm and he is so disproportionately better looking than me. Maybe I should start enjoying his looks instead of living in fear of them, constantly thinking he will leave me for the sexy girl who looks like the girls in the videos. I am crossing my (soon to be polished) fingers that the next time we watch those videos, I will be happy knowing that he chooses to be with me for who I am inside and not for how I look. Link to post Share on other sites
Screenplay Posted April 12, 2005 Share Posted April 12, 2005 Personally, I don't look for looks that much. I mean sure, physical attraction can be powerful, but if the person has the mentality of an orange rolling down a hill whats the point; you cant love a shell. Like others have said, most if not all guys are going to stop and look at the girls in music videos, we're just wired that way. Still, quantify those girl's looks, and yet still he chose you. You obviously have something that makes you much more important to him than chasing the next girl that walks by in a skimpy bikini. HokeyReligions hits that nail on the head much harder than I though, so I won't repeat what's already been said Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted April 12, 2005 Share Posted April 12, 2005 mami -- do a web-crawl for the poem "Phenomenal Women," by Maya Angelou. This, I think should be the primer for every woman who sells herself short because she isn't (blank) or doesn't have (blank) or doesn't even (blank). Sexy is all in your attitude, not what you look like. yeah, there are some cute chicas out there, but I think the REALLY lovely women are the ones who know how to carry themselves -- Hoke mentioned Shirley Jones; I think Fran Dresher is gorgeous, and she's got that yankee accent (but she does have a smile like my niece, so I think that's what has me hooked on her); Salma Hayak, who often doesn't get glammed up; Queen Latifa is absolutely, positively gorgeous, and she's a big woman with a gorgeous attitude and an incredible mind, not to mention voice. It's not what's lacking, but how you present what you have. If you've managed to hook up with a hottie like your guy, and he thinks you're worthy of intelligent conversation, you've hit the jackpot, honey, because it takes a certain level of maturity to find brains sexy. as for not having enough "upper attributes," go splurge at someplace like Victoria's Secret and get yerself some sexy chonies. Believe you me, if your guy is like most guys, the whole idea of you wearing THOSE kinds of clothes will drive him wild. And that's what you want, right? you've got what it takes to knock him dead, forget about the electronic bimbos who don't have the advantage of being in the same room as your boyfriend ... Heck, I bet they could make me just as sexy as those girls....... but moosey, would you be willing to shake what your mama gave you? Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted April 12, 2005 Share Posted April 12, 2005 but moosey, would you be willing to shake what your mama gave you? I've been known to shake my money maker back in my drinking days...... I'd hurt something now and days though. Link to post Share on other sites
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