CryForNoOne Posted December 1, 2016 Share Posted December 1, 2016 Since July I've had a crush on this girl who is a server at a bar I frequent. I'm 44 and been around the block a few times but every time I see her I get the butterflies like I'm a teenager. I had a bad breakup with my ex in April so I've been trying to avoid getting involved with anyone other than hookups and FWB. I definitely would want something much more substantial with her so I've shied away from asking her out. I've seen her at least 5 times since we met and I keep going home feeling lovesick every time. The feeling is undeniable so tonight I finally decided to go for it and ask her out. She always comes over to hang out with me after she clocks out so I intentionally arrived 15 minutes before she was off. Sure enough she came over and we started chatting. She always asks about my 2 year old daughter and I told her I was going up to the mountains to see her this weekend. That led to us talking about skiing and snowboarding. She explained that she can't go very often as she doesn't have a car. I told her I go every 2 weeks to see my daughter and have a place up there. I offered to take her up one weekend and she loved the idea so I guess we have a date. So now what? Does she understand the implications? I go up there for the weekend to be with my daughter. Her mom lives up there. Do I drive up there with her a day early, go skiing/boarding, then meet mom to pickup my daughter with hot date in the car, and go back to my condo and we all spend the night together. Or do I plan a separate day trip and not anticipate us spending the night? I feel like with both been doing this flirting dance for so long that when I finally asked her out she jumped at the opportunity with neither of us really thinking it through. To further complicate matters, my ex JUST this afternoon, talked about moving back down the hill and trying to work things out. I've been feeling lonely and still wishfully hope that we can reconcile. At any point since our breakup until now, I would have taken her back with open arms, but I JUST decided to move on for good and am now thinking about this new girl 24-7! It's feels like a blossoming romance and especially after tonight now that I know she likes me. WTF I feel like John Favreau in Swingers. His ex GF calls the day after he meets Heather Graham... Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted December 1, 2016 Share Posted December 1, 2016 I think you're getting ahead of yourself. It's way too early to be going away for a weekend together, especially with your daughter involved. In my opinion, anyway. Get to know her better first. Go out on some proper dates. You said she came over the hang out, but have you actually gone out somewhere? Taken her to dinner? Start there. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted December 1, 2016 Share Posted December 1, 2016 I think you're getting ahead of yourself. It's way too early to be going away for a weekend together, especially with your daughter involved. In my opinion, anyway. Get to know her better first. Go out on some proper dates. You said she came over the hang out, but have you actually gone out somewhere? Taken her to dinner? Start there. Yikes! Exactly. Your daughter AND possible exposure to the ex who now may want you back? And you her? And, you don't know if her enthusiasm was for you, or the chance to go play in the snow. What if you get in the car and end up annoying the **** out of each other. Dial it down. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
ElizabethIII Posted December 1, 2016 Share Posted December 1, 2016 She may not assume it is even a date. You havent given her specifics, just said "one" weekend. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CryForNoOne Posted December 1, 2016 Author Share Posted December 1, 2016 She may not assume it is even a date. You havent given her specifics, just said "one" weekend. We agreed on the first weekend there is good powder. I'm fairly certain she knows its a date. Link to post Share on other sites
dumbass2 Posted December 1, 2016 Share Posted December 1, 2016 First off, how old is this girl? Agree with others. You should have at least a few dates and get to know each other a little before you go away for the weekend and especially with your daughter involved. You don't know this girl. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted December 1, 2016 Share Posted December 1, 2016 It sounds like neither one of you have thought through the implications, and frankly it's way too soon to worry about all that. Do you have her phone number? How about calling her up and asking her on a proper date? Something simple. Meet for a drink. Walk in the park on a Sunday afternoon. Take her to an art gallery. Whatever you enjoy doing, invite her to do it with you. Court her a little and see how it goes. You have gotten waaaaay ahead of yourself on this one. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CryForNoOne Posted December 1, 2016 Author Share Posted December 1, 2016 Yikes! Exactly. Your daughter AND possible exposure to the ex who now may want you back? And you her? And, you don't know if her enthusiasm was for you, or the chance to go play in the snow. What if you get in the car and end up annoying the **** out of each other. Dial it down. I doubt we'll annoy each other. When I met her we talked for a couple hours over drinks and then went for a late night meal after last call. I didn't try to kiss her or anything because we were never alone. That kinda felt like a date because we just talked endlessly, ignoring the other two girls with us. We also have been friends on FB since we met and interact a bit on there as well. We're not complete strangers. Link to post Share on other sites
winny Posted December 1, 2016 Share Posted December 1, 2016 It sounds like neither one of you have thought through the implications, and frankly it's way too soon to worry about all that. Do you have her phone number? How about calling her up and asking her on a proper date? Something simple. Meet for a drink. Walk in the park on a Sunday afternoon. Take her to an art gallery. Whatever you enjoy doing, invite her to do it with you. Court her a little and see how it goes. You have gotten waaaaay ahead of yourself on this one. Agree. You have built a fantasy in your head... get back to reality... take baby steps.. Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted December 1, 2016 Share Posted December 1, 2016 To further complicate matters, my ex JUST this afternoon, talked about moving back down the hill and trying to work things out. I've been feeling lonely and still wishfully hope that we can reconcile. At any point since our breakup until now, I would have taken her back with open arms, but I JUST decided to move on for good and am now thinking about this new girl 24-7! It's feels like a blossoming romance and especially after tonight now that I know she likes me. WTF I feel like John Favreau in Swingers. His ex GF calls the day after he meets Heather Graham... The bolded is your real issue. Do you wish to reconcile with your wife, or do you wish to move on for good? If the former, dating other women is not the way to accomplish that. If the latter, then let your wife know that's how you feel so she can proceed accordingly. The worst thing you can do here is become a cake-eating jerk who strings along two women so he can keep all his options open. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sunkissedpatio Posted December 1, 2016 Share Posted December 1, 2016 Are you seriously trying to figure out how you will ask this woman you have no idea about, other than she is a hot waitress, how you will have her stay with your kids for a first weekend/date? It's none of my business but don't you think it is SUPER premature to have this stranger out on a first date to meet your kids? Are your kids going to meet all your dates prematurely? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CryForNoOne Posted December 1, 2016 Author Share Posted December 1, 2016 First off, how old is this girl? Agree with others. You should have at least a few dates and get to know each other a little before you go away for the weekend and especially with your daughter involved. You don't know this girl. She's 27. I'm tired of the same old script. When I became single again, I immediately dated to fill the void. It was always dinner, drinks, hookup. Repeat a few times, then an all day activity together at which point I or both of us lost interest. After doing that a few times I decided to take a break and haven't dated at all since August. I definitely needed time to sort things out. I'm sick of the early dating BS and I already kinda know her. So I don't see anything wrong with jumping right to the all day activity together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CryForNoOne Posted December 1, 2016 Author Share Posted December 1, 2016 The bolded is your real issue. Do you wish to reconcile with your wife, or do you wish to move on for good? If the former, dating other women is not the way to accomplish that. If the latter, then let your wife know that's how you feel so she can proceed accordingly. The worst thing you can do here is become a cake-eating jerk who strings along two women so he can keep all his options open. We were never married though that doesn't change your point. As I just stated in my last reply I took about a 3 month break from any women and focused on other things including some introspection. I didn't decide overnight I wanted to move on from my ex but that's the conclusion I'd come to. I certainly don't pine after the new girl, but I bumped into about a week ago and got the butterflies again. After she went home I decided I was going to ask her out when I saw her next. The manager of the bar called me yesterday and asked me to come in and meet with him to discuss business (my band has a residency there) so I knew I was going to see her. An hour later my ex texts me and asks "Where would we live if I moved back home?" She presumed that I would take her back because for most of the past 8 months that was obviously my hope. Not any more. I still need to think it through but I'm not going to string both along or have my cake and eat it too. That's not what this thread is about... Link to post Share on other sites
Author CryForNoOne Posted December 1, 2016 Author Share Posted December 1, 2016 Are you seriously trying to figure out how you will ask this woman you have no idea about, other than she is a hot waitress, how you will have her stay with your kids for a first weekend/date? It's none of my business but don't you think it is SUPER premature to have this stranger out on a first date to meet your kids? Are your kids going to meet all your dates prematurely? No. I started the thread when I got home last night at 230AM. Clearer head today. No way I'm going to spend the weekend with her and my kid the first day. That's just awkward city for everybody. I'll plan a separate day trip. We'll just leave early in the morning and plan to drive back that night. I did suggest ending a day of snowboarding with steak and a good bottle of red wine and she loved that idea. I have a place up there if it happens but I'm not going to presume anything. I just pray to hell I don't bump into my ex or the 10 or so people up there who know me and her... Link to post Share on other sites
olivetree Posted December 1, 2016 Share Posted December 1, 2016 No. I started the thread when I got home last night at 230AM. Clearer head today. No way I'm going to spend the weekend with her and my kid the first day. That's just awkward city for everybody. I'll plan a separate day trip. We'll just leave early in the morning and plan to drive back that night. I did suggest ending a day of snowboarding with steak and a good bottle of red wine and she loved that idea. I have a place up there if it happens but I'm not going to presume anything. I just pray to hell I don't bump into my ex or the 10 or so people up there who know me and her... As long as it is just a day trip not involving the ex/kid, then I think this could be really fun/different as you have already been chatting to her at work for some time. If she is game, you're comfortable and have lots to talk about, why not? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sunkissedpatio Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 No. I started the thread when I got home last night at 230AM. Clearer head today. No way I'm going to spend the weekend with her and my kid the first day. That's just awkward city for everybody. I'll plan a separate day trip. We'll just leave early in the morning and plan to drive back that night. I did suggest ending a day of snowboarding with steak and a good bottle of red wine and she loved that idea. I have a place up there if it happens but I'm not going to presume anything. I just pray to hell I don't bump into my ex or the 10 or so people up there who know me and her... Oh pheewww, that's good to know! You sounded more level-headed than that. Why are you worried about running into people you know? Unless you still want to keep the door open with the ex...? Maybe you should date her in town first and then you can determine if it's worth taking the risk of being seen with her up at the mountain town? Once the ex sees your of finds out you are dating she might decide to move on... Why are you considering getting back with your ex if you don't mind the question? Link to post Share on other sites
Author CryForNoOne Posted December 2, 2016 Author Share Posted December 2, 2016 Why are you worried about running into people you know? Unless you still want to keep the door open with the ex...? Maybe you should date her in town first and then you can determine if it's worth taking the risk of being seen with her up at the mountain town? Once the ex sees your of finds out you are dating she might decide to move on... Why are you considering getting back with your ex if you don't mind the question? I love my ex but she's bipolar. The highs were really high but the lows were REALLY low. Anytime she gets angry with me, she makes the joint custody a living hell. If she sees me in her town with this new girl I know she will make my life a living hell for at least a month. I was considering getting back with her because I still love her and we have a daughter whose life would be immensely better if we were together. I live in a good neighborhood with good schools in a very cosmopolitan area. My ex is broke and chose to move far away to the sticks and has ski bums and meth heads as neighbors. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 Your ex is moving back. I say deal with that first, then go out with the new girl. But to answer your question, if I was the new girl, I certainly wouldn't want to see your ex or your daughter for that matter, on a first date. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CryForNoOne Posted December 2, 2016 Author Share Posted December 2, 2016 Your ex is moving back. I say deal with that first, then go out with the new girl. So you're assuming I'm just going to cave? For proper context, I didn't ask her to move back. We even slept in the same bed together about a month ago and she spooned with me in the middle of the night. I knew where it was going but didn't reciprocate. Now yesterday afternoon, BEFORE I asked this new girl out, I got a random text out of the blue from my ex "If we moved home where would we go..." We talked about it a little but I didn't answer yes or no... But to answer your question, if I was the new girl, I certainly wouldn't want to see your ex or your daughter for that matter, on a first date. Yes we all agree on that. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 So you're assuming I'm just going to cave? For proper context, I didn't ask her to move back. We even slept in the same bed together about a month ago and she spooned with me in the middle of the night. I knew where it was going but didn't reciprocate. Now yesterday afternoon, BEFORE I asked this new girl out, I got a random text out of the blue from my ex "If we moved home where would we go..." We talked about it a little but I didn't answer yes or no... Well, now you have to answer yes or no. Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 We were never married though that doesn't change your point. As I just stated in my last reply I took about a 3 month break from any women and focused on other things including some introspection. I didn't decide overnight I wanted to move on from my ex but that's the conclusion I'd come to. I certainly don't pine after the new girl, but I bumped into about a week ago and got the butterflies again. After she went home I decided I was going to ask her out when I saw her next. The manager of the bar called me yesterday and asked me to come in and meet with him to discuss business (my band has a residency there) so I knew I was going to see her. An hour later my ex texts me and asks "Where would we live if I moved back home?" She presumed that I would take her back because for most of the past 8 months that was obviously my hope. Not any more. I still need to think it through but I'm not going to string both along or have my cake and eat it too. That's not what this thread is about... I'm glad to hear that you plan to keep some good, clear boundaries. It will avoid pain and heartache for everyone, including you. If you date this new girl for a bit and it doesn't work out, would you want to try again with your ex? If you date this new girl and it does work out, will you be able to treat her honorably and not hide her in order to avoid the wrath of your ex? Not judging you, just inviting you to look at more aspects of your situation so you move forward with your eyes open. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CryForNoOne Posted December 2, 2016 Author Share Posted December 2, 2016 If you date this new girl for a bit and it doesn't work out, would you want to try again with your ex? I'd try to meet someone else first but to be completely honest, that door with my ex isn't completely closed. I'm in control of the situation for once though. She's been making overtures since the beginning of October (after she broke up with her rebound) and I haven't taken the bait... If you date this new girl and it does work out, will you be able to treat her honorably and not hide her in order to avoid the wrath of your ex? Absolutely. I'd show her off to the world. She's beautiful but also really goofy and down to earth. Pretty girls are a dime a dozen in my part of LA. It's her way of being that gives me the butterflies. I dont want them to meet yet because we haven't even had a real date. The wrath I'd incur for being seen with her isn't worth it. If enter a real relationship I'd probably get a little bit of childish satisfaction in being seen with her and making my ex jealous. That's human nature. And the grief is inevitable at some point... Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 I think the honesty is a good thing, and important for you to continue to be really honest with yourself. It sounds like you really like this new girl, but this is a complicated situation and I'm sure you don't want to hurt her. Very relieved to hear that your first date will be a day trip, just the two of you. Much better thinking. See how that goes. Be honest with her about your situation so she can also enter the relationship with her eyes open. She knows you have a daughter, which is great. Please do also do your best to be honest with her about your ex and the status with that. You can't go wrong if you're honest and have integrity. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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