Crisp24 Posted November 25, 2016 Share Posted November 25, 2016 *With respect, I'm only really interested in hearing from people with real past experiences similar to my own, I'm not interested into hypotheticals, 'I would do this' etc. Thankyou Hi all, hope everyone is well this post is a little long, so bear with me... I have a pickle on my hands. A short time ago, I met a wonderful woman, and we started dating. We really seemed to click from the first time we met, and I really feel it's mutual. We've spoken almost every day since our first date. I love being around her, although we only really see each other on weekends due to different work/study schedules. I'm 30, she is 29. However I have some heavy stuff to disclose to her - when I was a teenager, I was prescribed to ritalin for ADHD, for many years, and became dependent on it. I was also a bit of a bad boy (not uncommon amongst young males), and after finishing school just short of my 18th birthday, without any direction in life, I continued using Amphetamines and ended up in some serious trouble. At that time I did some incredibly stupid things, over a period of about 4-6 months, involving non-violent, but still serious property crime. I wasn't a particularly talented at this, and ended up being arrested and charged by the police several months later. Through a legal mechanism in my country set up for people with substance abuse issues, I found myself bailed to a long term therapeutic community rehab, where I worked hard to sort myself out, stayed for a year, and graduated. At the age of 19, I left the place, rented a house, got a job and got on with my life. It hasn't all been smooth sailing (life never is), but I've worked hard, studied for 2 years in a field i love, travelled the world and ended up in my dream job on good money, and bought an apartment. I'm at peace with this bad period of my life, but seeing this new lady has brought up a lot of stress about it. I really care about her and want to tell her and be honest about it, as it could be a deal breaker. The question is not whether I'll tell her, it's when, we've only been seeing each other for 3 weeks. Does anyone have any insight or experience with this? My gut tells me I should wait a month or two so we can get to know each other properly (I know little about her past as well), however I don't want to leave it too long, as that would be deceitful. And its also a heavy weight on my chest that I want to get rid of! My guts are in a twist. One love C Link to post Share on other sites
Sunkissedpatio Posted November 25, 2016 Share Posted November 25, 2016 Well first of all Welcome! Actually no, first of all I commend you on your journey. It took a lot of strength and determination to go through what you did and come out on top. While you may feel ashamed for the having taken the wrong path you need to focus on what you did to get out of that. Which is truly remarkable especially if you did this all on your own. The fact you want to tell her is the correct thing to do. But there is absolutely no need to tell her this right now. Not because you will scare her away, a woman who can't accept another person's mistakes and growth from them, is a woman you will ultimately not want by your side, but because full disclosure comes with time and trust. As your trust for each grows and you feel more secure in your relationship with her you can tell her. Once she gets to know who you are now for a bit is a good time to tell her. A month or two seems very reasonable. I wouldn't rush into that if you don't want to yet. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MarkIVSteel Posted November 25, 2016 Share Posted November 25, 2016 Bro, why do you want to ruin what you have. Keep it to yourself. If you feel the need to vent, you can vent here or write it in a journal on your computer. As much as women tell you to "open up" and express your "feelings", you will only come across as weak to her. Right now, she has a certain view of you and sees you very highly. You tell her all this stuff and you will just ruin your status in her eyes. Plus, you will give her ammunition to use against you in the future. The woman that likes you today can easily be the woman that despises you tomorrow. Anytime you guys have an argument or issue, her mind will race back to all these things and she will use it as rationalization for your behavior. Seriously, just keep it to yourself. Vent in a secret blog, journal or on here. You will feel much better when you get it off your chest that way as opposed to telling her. Link to post Share on other sites
travelbug1996 Posted November 25, 2016 Share Posted November 25, 2016 That's in your past. You don't have to disclose that to her. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 25, 2016 Share Posted November 25, 2016 As opposed to seeing a man as "weak" if he told me this, I'd actually be really impressed at the strength and internal fortitude this successful journey has required. I also believe that our past (good and bad) is what makes us who we are today. If you are a good person, it shows that you've learned so much and are better for it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
travelbug1996 Posted November 25, 2016 Share Posted November 25, 2016 That is something extremely personal that should be shared after you know she won't hold it against you or judge you. You just met. You don't know her well enough. Who knows you might not even be compatible. Link to post Share on other sites
TheTraveler Posted November 25, 2016 Share Posted November 25, 2016 That was 11 years ago... Link to post Share on other sites
LastAcorn99 Posted November 25, 2016 Share Posted November 25, 2016 From what you’ve shared, it’s evident that you both are just getting to know each other; and yes, three weeks is too early to know where this friendship is headed. Trust your gut feeling -- bring up your past only when you know each other well enough and you get to a point where you’re both sure it’s headed to a committed relationship. Take care! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Crisp24 Posted November 25, 2016 Author Share Posted November 25, 2016 Thanks for the replies and insight everyone. Much appreciated. I'm probably getting ahead of myself, but we all know what it's like meeting someone we're really into! As opposed to seeing a man as "weak" if he told me this, I'd actually be really impressed at the strength and internal fortitude this successful journey has required. I also believe that our past (good and bad) is what makes us who we are today. If you are a good person, it shows that you've learned so much and are better for it. I agree, our experience shapes who we are. Interestingly, when these charges came up, I was at the tail end of an application into my country's armed forces, which at the time (around April 2004) was fighting in 2 wars (Iraq and Afghanistan). The charges threw a spanner in the works, and I was knocked back close to the end of the process because of them. I'm not saying this is a good or bad thing, it's just the way things went, and had I succeeded in getting into the military, my destiny would have been completely different. Link to post Share on other sites
TheTraveler Posted November 25, 2016 Share Posted November 25, 2016 Thanks for the replies and insight everyone. Much appreciated. I'm probably getting ahead of myself, but we all know what it's like meeting someone we're really into! You are. Slow down my man you just met her 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kismetkismet Posted November 25, 2016 Share Posted November 25, 2016 11 years ago is quite a while and it doesn't impact your current life at all so there is no rush to bring it up at this time. If your relationship continues on healthily I imagine it will come up naturally at some stage. I wouldn't set aside a time to sit her down and tell her to brace herself and then divulge it. That will make it sound like a bigger deal than it is. But if you guys really connect and share your lives I'm sure that your pasts will come up and then you can naturally roll it out. You don't *owe* it to her to tell her since it doesn't affect your life anymore and thus can't affect hers. but if you want to be truly close to her then I imagine it will come out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Crisp24 Posted November 29, 2016 Author Share Posted November 29, 2016 11 years ago is quite a while and it doesn't impact your current life at all so there is no rush to bring it up at this time. If your relationship continues on healthily I imagine it will come up naturally at some stage. I wouldn't set aside a time to sit her down and tell her to brace herself and then divulge it. That will make it sound like a bigger deal than it is. But if you guys really connect and share your lives I'm sure that your pasts will come up and then you can naturally roll it out. You don't *owe* it to her to tell her since it doesn't affect your life anymore and thus can't affect hers. but if you want to be truly close to her then I imagine it will come out. Thanks for your post. You are right, I don't owe it to her to tell her about it in a brutally honest fashion, immediately. It all happened in a very short period of time, nearly 13 years before we even met. If it gets really serious and we stay together, it will come out at some point, organically. There is a lot more to the story too, which I didn't mention in the first post regarding my teenage years involving the multiple psychotic breaks of an immediate family member over several years, domestic violence, restraining orders, and my family being torn apart by all this. I'm sure a lot of this will come up to over time as well, as it's all part of the same story. After thinking about it, I feel that sitting her down and saying 'theres something I have to tell you' would be totally weird and inappropriate. I think what is most important is who I am, and who she is, today. So back to enjoying myself with less stress! Thanks to everyone that replied. Love C Link to post Share on other sites
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