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She went cold over night, what the hell happened?


d1991

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Met this girl online and spoke online for 2 months before meeting up (my fault, she wanted to meet up a lot of sooner and asked multiple times, I wasn't actually too sure if I wanted to). We went on 10 dates in total during the month we actually met up.

 

We met up and we got along great, she was really into me, messaging me how I thought it went etc etc. She would message me pretty much everyday and a few days later asked when I was going to ask her out again. We met up again, got a long great. She arranged a 3rd date before the 2nd one was even over. 3rd time we met up went even better, went back to house and made out, she wanted me to stay over but I wasn't really ready. Next time we met up we did sleep together and again things were all going well although I chose not to stay the night for various personal reasons which I think she took personally but continued seeing each other and getting on great each time.

 

She would tell me how much she likes, one time even said she's never felt so comfortable with someone before and just 3 days before she went cold said the more she sees me the more she likes me. Then I went to house and she was getting a bit carried away and I tried to make and joke that came out completely wrong, I laughed and said "you're too comfortable with me" which she later on said the next day made her reflect on things not be so "crazy". She also asked her roommate who agreed that she was being too comfortable and said something about it being too cringy which didn't help. That along with the fact she thought I was moving away from her that night when she came close when I was just having a self conscious day and had just finished at the gym so had nothing to do with her I think she took personally as well. She continued to speak to through text the next day although towards the end of the day I could tell she was wasn't feeling too great, she said she wasn't too sure why and said a few reasons why it might be (unrelated to me).

 

I knew I'd made her a bit conscious because of comment but thought it would blow over (I did reassure her it meant nothing), we met for meal and things were definitely off this time, she looked like she didn't want to stay long and then at the end I figured we'd go back to her house like usual, especially considering we hadn't been there long but this time she made an excuse and blamed it on her room mate not wanting me over so much as they can't relax. I took it a bit personally and taking what she said as the truth acted a bit miffed that her room mate was seemingly dictating who she has in her own home (they just moved in, she owns the house), things were left a bit weird, she gave me a kiss on the cheek but I looked a bit disappointed and we both went to our own homes. The next day I did say that I wasn't sure what the point in seeing other was if I can't even go over her house because of room mate (not realizing yet it must have been and excuse). After some talking we agreed to meet up again but she wasn't initiating contact anymore. We met up one last time and she was friendly but distance was kept. I tried to arrange to go ice skating which she begged me to go to a week before but this time just made an excuse. At this point I decided to stop attempting further, wanted to give some room and see if she'd contact me. It's been a month and half and nothing at all.

 

It's worth noting she's had CBT therapy for self esteem issues and boyfriend of 5 years a year and bit ago cheated on her which may have triggered the self esteem issues. She came out of university temporarily around that time, I assume due to this. I didn't realize how deep this was whilst we were dating as she appears confident, more confident than I even. I do recall worrying about what if I went off with other women and such to which I obviously said I had no intention of that and one thing she mentioned was she said she'd feel sick if I was dating other girls at the same time to which I wasn't anyway.

 

I don't believe I came on too strong at all, she would always say I was easy breezy one and she was the one who needed to stop being so 'crazy' and she was definitely more froward than I was by far. I know it's been a while and I have moved on somewhat but I still can't quite understand how she was so strong on me to suddenly flipping almost over night, even if I did say a silly comment (she said it changed things and made her think about things). I kind of miss her still, it's rare I find someone I actually want to really get close to. I've since seen her on a dating site, I know she didn't stop seeing me for anyone else and I know she hasn't found anyone else right now but does her being on a dating site mean she doesn't care at all?

Edited by d1991
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It actually makes sense that her feelings flipped so quickly. She was moving pretty fast, in her opinion, and didn't like the way she was acting. It could be a form of love bombing. What you said may have snapped her back to reality or she may have met someone else soon after. Who knows. But I don't think she cares to the extent that you do. You weren't in a relationship and it was only a couple of months.

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In what way was she "getting a bit carried away" with that prompted you to say she is getting too comfortable?

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It actually makes sense that her feelings flipped so quickly. She was moving pretty fast, in her opinion, and didn't like the way she was acting. It could be a form of love bombing. What you said may have snapped her back to reality or she may have met someone else soon after. Who knows. But I don't think she cares to the extent that you do. You weren't in a relationship and it was only a couple of months.

 

She did say she thought we rushed into things too quickly. I'm not sure exactly what love bombing is.

 

I'm pretty damn sure there wasn't anyone else nor do I believe she's seeing anyone now either.

 

We were kind of in a relationship, she said herself we were basically a couple. Thing is it doesn't make sense how she wouldn't care as much as maybe I do as she was the one who came on so strong, chased me 2 months to meet her, kept asking me over etc.

 

In what way was she "getting a bit carried away" with that prompted you to say she is getting too comfortable?

 

Think she was just being really loud and pushing me about (not in a horrible way). Not sure why I said it, it just came out wrong, didn't even really think she was too comfortable.

Edited by d1991
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she's kind of flakey and has issues. She rushes into relationships quickly without thinking.

 

She met someone else and rushed into it with him just like she did with you.

 

You dodged a bullet.

 

Move on and go back on the market.

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Sounds a little like limerance. Also - you rejected her multiple times whether you realize it or not. Those take a toll.

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You say she has self esteem issues....well you didn't exactly reciprocated her advances or expressed your feelings, so I don't blame her for going cold. When a woman doesn't feel desired, her self esteem plummets. I agree with the above poster, you did rejected/turned her down several times. Being turned down for sex is a bigger hit to a woman than you can imagine. I don't think there is anything wrong with her....

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I see this differently. You made her wait 2 months before you would even meet her and then by the sounds of it she did most of the pursuing. She was the one to insist on at least the first 3 dates. She showered you with attention and positive affirmations but by the sounds of it you didn't reciprocate her feelings. Then you told her she was getting too comfortable. Yeah she was coming on fast and strong and that's not usually wise but you by the sounds of it you behaved rather aloof and like you just weren't all that into her. I don't blame her for moving on. She probably felt embarrassed when she realized she was blatantly chasing someone who didn't share her level of attraction or her feelings and decided she's better off waiting for someone who likes her as much as she likes him. And I don't think you really miss her. I think she showered you with attention and it's the attention you miss.

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It's worth noting she's had CBT therapy for self esteem issues and boyfriend of 5 years a year and bit ago cheated on her which may have triggered the self esteem issues. She came out of university temporarily around that time, I assume due to this.

 

She is in her 20s.

 

A break up should not send her running for therapy and have her suspend her college course because of it.

 

These are just ordinary life issues that happen to everyone.

 

Like another poster said, you dodged a bullet.

 

let someone else deal with her. Dating shouldn't be therapy and I wouldn't take kindly to having to deal with someone elses issues and insecurities so early on.

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She was starting to get cosy and relaxed with you, probably started seeing further ahead with you, but you made it perfectly clear that she was "too comfortable", ie too involved so she took a big step back. Started to look at the times you rejected her and decided no doubt with the help of her flatmate, that you were not in it for the long haul.

Add to that you getting "miffed" when nookie was off the table on that last date and it was all over, as far as she was concerned.

 

My guess is that you were feeling a little bit smothered by her hence the "too comfortable" joke in the first place

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You say she has self esteem issues....well you didn't exactly reciprocated her advances or expressed your feelings, so I don't blame her for going cold. When a woman doesn't feel desired, her self esteem plummets. I agree with the above poster, you did rejected/turned her down several times. Being turned down for sex is a bigger hit to a woman than you can imagine. I don't think there is anything wrong with her....

 

Oh I did reciprocate once we met, I told her I liked her and was close to her plenty then. Before we met I was initially worried about meeting someone who I've never met online (I get anxiety) and what their expectations was. I didn't actually turn her down for sex. I may have worded it badly. We had sex when she prompted for it and I stayed at hers for a numbers of hours each time but needed to go home in the end as we live 25 minutes away and I had work in the morning. I think she just took it personally I didn't actually sleep in her bed the whole time afterwards.

 

Sounds a little like limerance. Also - you rejected her multiple times whether you realize it or not. Those take a toll.

 

Well the only times you can really say I "rejected her" was before I even met her and that was because I was insecure about meeting someone I'd never met. The comfortable comment was a mistake and I tried to reassure her multiple times.

 

she's kind of flakey and has issues. She rushes into relationships quickly without thinking.

 

She met someone else and rushed into it with him just like she did with you.

 

You dodged a bullet.

 

Move on and go back on the market.

 

I know from her friends she isn't with anyone so I don't think that's it

 

She is in her 20s.

 

A break up should not send her running for therapy and have her suspend her college course because of it.

 

These are just ordinary life issues that happen to everyone.

 

Like another poster said, you dodged a bullet.

 

let someone else deal with her. Dating shouldn't be therapy and I wouldn't take kindly to having to deal with someone elses issues and insecurities so early on.

 

Ehh I mean who are we to judge what affects people in certain ways? I believe there was more to it than a simple break up. In her words, she went "a little crazy" for a while. I've had CBT for anxiety and there was no explanation for it, it was just an issue I had that controller my life for a while but it was absolutely real so I can understand her having her own issues.

 

I see this differently. You made her wait 2 months before you would even meet her and then by the sounds of it she did most of the pursuing. She was the one to insist on at least the first 3 dates. She showered you with attention and positive affirmations but by the sounds of it you didn't reciprocate her feelings. Then you told her she was getting too comfortable. Yeah she was coming on fast and strong and that's not usually wise but you by the sounds of it you behaved rather aloof and like you just weren't all that into her. I don't blame her for moving on. She probably felt embarrassed when she realized she was blatantly chasing someone who didn't share her level of attraction or her feelings and decided she's better off waiting for someone who likes her as much as she likes him. And I don't think you really miss her. I think she showered you with attention and it's the attention you miss.

 

Oh no doubt she pursued me a lot more at the start but after meeting her I still spoke to her off my own back plenty, arranged to meet her and the longer I knew her the more I cared for her and the more effort I was making. I complimented quite often as well although not to a ridiculous cringy level.

 

I'm not someone who's craves attention at all, I spend long periods of time on my own and never date anyone simply for attention. I did genuinely grow to really like her and have been pretty gutted I won't see her again. In fact it's extremely rare I feel as close to someone as I did her whilst we were dating but at the same time I had my own fears and insecurities, much like she did.

 

She was starting to get cosy and relaxed with you, probably started seeing further ahead with you, but you made it perfectly clear that she was "too comfortable", ie too involved so she took a big step back. Started to look at the times you rejected her and decided no doubt with the help of her flatmate, that you were not in it for the long haul.

Add to that you getting "miffed" when nookie was off the table on that last date and it was all over, as far as she was concerned.

 

My guess is that you were feeling a little bit smothered by her hence the "too comfortable" joke in the first place

 

Funny thing is, I was in it for the long haul, I genuinely wanted to be with her for a long time. Honestly I wasn't disappointed about not going over her house because I wanted sex at all, I just really wanted to spend more time with her. I have no reason to bull****, If it were about sex I would say.

 

Ehh I don't think I was, I'm not even sure why I said it. I think it's because I wanted to just talk to her but she being too hyper. I actually liked how comfortable she was, she made me feel more comfortable and reduce my anxiety.

 

It is what it is now though I guess

Edited by d1991
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Regardless whether it was my fault, her fault or no ones fault, if I wanted to try and contact this girl again, how would I go about it?

 

I feel like I would need to think a lot about what to say, not be too heavy or boring either. Could do with some suggestions.

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]I think a better question you may want to consider is howshe went from 100% full throttle interest to nothing! That’s not possible ifthe feelings were GENUINE, in my opinion. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]There are people who have experienced this same scenarioagain and again on this board, including myself. Someone comes onstrong/pursues heavily/gives a lot of attention and it seems like they’reextremely keen. However, the minute you do something that they find displeasing(here your comment about her comfort), it brings them back down to realityFAST! That’s what ‘love bombing’ is. She probably wants to be in love again andis therefore forcing things in that direction without letting feeling growNATURALLY! I’d bet that she hasn’t been in any relationships beyond shortdashes after her LTR ended. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]And it’s sad because you were moving slower and so yourfeelings were real/growing steadily (but my guess is that hers were a littlemore artificial). If you examine everything from the beginning, you may come torealise that her saying all those nice things and telling you how much sheliked you early on is not really legit as you can’t like someone so much if youdon’t really know them! It’s nice to want to believe that stuff, I know, but it’squite hollow! [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]***Another thing I want to add as someone who was in a LTRfor 5 years and was cheated on, it takes a lot to put yourself out there. So analternative explanation is that the perceived rejection was too much for herand she went back into her safe shell. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]EITHER WAY, she is not ready to date again and it’s goodthat she’s doing CBT. Contacting her again achieves nothing for you but openingyourself up to more hurt. It’s a good thing you’ve been given this window to exitthis situation now, as opposed to when you really loved this girl.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT]

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I think a better question you may want to consider is howshe went from 100% full throttle interest to nothing! That’s not possible ifthe feelings were GENUINE, in my opinion.

 

 

There are people who have experienced this same scenarioagain and again on this board, including myself. Someone comes onstrong/pursues heavily/gives a lot of attention and it seems like they’reextremely keen. However, the minute you do something that they find displeasing(here your comment about her comfort), it brings them back down to realityFAST! That’s what ‘love bombing’ is. She probably wants to be in love again andis therefore forcing things in that direction without letting feeling growNATURALLY! I’d bet that she hasn’t been in any relationships beyond shortdashes after her LTR ended.

 

 

And it’s sad because you were moving slower and so yourfeelings were real/growing steadily (but my guess is that hers were a littlemore artificial). If you examine everything from the beginning, you may come torealise that her saying all those nice things and telling you how much sheliked you early on is not really legit as you can’t like someone so much if youdon’t really know them! It’s nice to want to believe that stuff, I know, but it’squite hollow!

 

 

Another thing I want to add as someone who was in a LTRfor 5 years and was cheated on, it takes a lot to put yourself out there. So analternative explanation is that the perceived rejection was too much for herand she went back into her safe shell.

 

 

EITHER WAY, she is not ready to date again and it’s goodthat she’s doing CBT. Contacting her again achieves nothing for you but openingyourself up to more hurt. It’s a good thing you’ve been given this window to exitthis situation now, as opposed to when you really loved this girl.

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I.

. So analternative explanation is that the perceived rejection was too much for herand she went back into her safe shell. .

 

Actually, this is what struck me when I first read your post.

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I think a better question you may want to consider is howshe went from 100% full throttle interest to nothing! That’s not possible ifthe feelings were GENUINE, in my opinion.

 

 

There are people who have experienced this same scenarioagain and again on this board, including myself. Someone comes onstrong/pursues heavily/gives a lot of attention and it seems like they’reextremely keen. However, the minute you do something that they find displeasing(here your comment about her comfort), it brings them back down to realityFAST! That’s what ‘love bombing’ is. She probably wants to be in love again andis therefore forcing things in that direction without letting feeling growNATURALLY! I’d bet that she hasn’t been in any relationships beyond shortdashes after her LTR ended.

 

 

And it’s sad because you were moving slower and so yourfeelings were real/growing steadily (but my guess is that hers were a littlemore artificial). If you examine everything from the beginning, you may come torealise that her saying all those nice things and telling you how much sheliked you early on is not really legit as you can’t like someone so much if youdon’t really know them! It’s nice to want to believe that stuff, I know, but it’squite hollow!

 

 

Another thing I want to add as someone who was in a LTRfor 5 years and was cheated on, it takes a lot to put yourself out there. So analternative explanation is that the perceived rejection was too much for herand she went back into her safe shell.

 

 

EITHER WAY, she is not ready to date again and it’s goodthat she’s doing CBT. Contacting her again achieves nothing for you but openingyourself up to more hurt. It’s a good thing you’ve been given this window to exitthis situation now, as opposed to when you really loved this girl.

 

I find it hard to believe it was completely artificial. She's a pretty attractive girl, there's plenty of guys she could have had without any effort, I don't see why she would even bother to make effort to get me to meet her etc etc. She would have convinced herself pretty well as well, I couldn't con myself into believing I really liked someone when I didn't and I've been alone for long periods of time wanting someone. If that was the reason however not going to lie that would hurt a lot.

 

I know the comment affected her and she say that's what changed things and made her think. I did try to reassure her as well though. If she went back into her shell wouldn't she just avoid darting altogether now? I know she's not on a dating site so I dunno if that negates that possibility. One thing she said was "I kind of freaked out because we seemed really coupley and then you said all that stuff" so I guess that would support the not handling rejection?

 

What hurts the most is that I feel she may not even think of me at all, like all those times we spent together or the 2 months talking online and she's just completely forgotten me like that and I still can't not have at least a passing thought of her everyday.

 

Actually, this is what struck me when I first read your post.

 

Quoting what I said the above poster:

 

I know the comment affected her and she say that's what changed things and made her think. I did try to reassure her as well though. If she went back into her shell wouldn't she just avoid darting altogether now? I know she's not on a dating site so I dunno if that negates that possibility. One thing she said was "I kind of freaked out because we seemed really coupley and then you said all that stuff" so I guess that would support the not handling rejection?

 

Problem is, I don't know what I can do now, time has gone by with no contact and I feel like I'll never speak to her again. Ugh I haven't felt this bad about a women in long, long time. Funny thing is, I've spent years single partly for that reason, it carried less risk, I could control how I felt and I didn't leave myself open for anyone else to affect that. Guess I have my issues too.

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travelbug1996

Why haven't you called her in 6 weeks? Who was the last to make contact.

 

Seems like things got a little uncomfortable for the both of you and you both just let it fizzle out. No closure. Nothing.

 

I think you should call her and talk about what you both think went wrong. Not necessarily to get back together (unless you're both single) but to be better for your next relationship.

Edited by travelbug1996
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Why haven't you called her in 6 weeks? Who was the last to make contact.

 

Seems like things got a little uncomfortable for the both of you and you both just let it fizzle out. No closure. Nothing.

 

I think you should call her and talk about what you both think went wrong. Not necessarily to get back together (unless you're both single) but to be better for your next relationship.

 

She technically sent the last message but it was effectively saying she doesn't think it's a good idea we go to this place I suggested because things would be weird between us. I asked her to this place after 2 weeks of no contact of her effectively calling things off due to my comment etc etc and after her saying she didn't want to go for x reason I've remained no contact since.

 

No, there has not really been any closure which has made it so much worse. She's made comments but they've been too vague to really get a grip on what happened.

 

If I did say anything it would have to be carefully worded or thought through. I don't want to ignored or shunned.

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travelbug1996

I would call her and tell her you really didn't like the way things ended and would like to talk with her. If she rejects your offer that will be the closure you need. I think its worth a try. I think her fears got the best of her and she realized she liked you way more than you liked her and that scared her, especially after feeling rejected by you.

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I would call her and tell her you really didn't like the way things ended and would like to talk with her. If she rejects your offer that will be the closure you need. I think its worth a try. I think her fears got the best of her and she realized she liked you way more than you liked her and that scared her, especially after feeling rejected by you.

 

Yeah, it is likely that was the cause although time has passed now and she just not care now. It's difficult as I want to contact her but I also don't want to look stupid or be hurt so I'm tied on what to do.

 

She technically turned down my last 2 requests and she's on a dating site now so maybe she really has completely forgotten me.

 

The last few things she said was that my comment made her think and that she doesn't want a commitment or think she can handle a relationship.

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I don't think someone who is that into you will be turned off over one silly comment and if she was then she wasn't really into you.

 

Honestly I agree she love bombed you and the way she acted was unhealthy. She sounds like she is avoidant type attachment....you should read into it a bit. This is classic maneover from them and you don't want to try and date this type.

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I don't think someone who is that into you will be turned off over one silly comment and if she was then she wasn't really into you.

 

Honestly I agree she love bombed you and the way she acted was unhealthy. She sounds like she is avoidant type attachment....you should read into it a bit. This is classic maneover from them and you don't want to try and date this type.

 

Well it was more than just one silly comment she took wrong and I can see if she's got severe self esteem issues how it might affect things.

 

Thing is I've looked up about this love bombing and avoidant attachment and yeah, I guess it's possibility as I don't know the actual reason but it also doesn't quite add up or match her either really. It's not like I'm reading through it and ahh yeah that all makes sense, sounds exactly like what happened.

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Well it was more than just one silly comment she took wrong and I can see if she's got severe self esteem issues how it might affect things.

 

.

 

If this is the case she isn't ready to be dating period.

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If this is the case she isn't ready to be dating period.

 

Ehh probably and if I realized I probably wouldn't have but still can't help missing her. I did see a letter on her fridge from the CBT saying how well she's done with her self esteem and she no longer does it so maybe it's not as bad now.

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One thing I remember her distinctly saying is that she felt often it's easier to not trust or invest someone too much as they effectively will hurt you. That would back up that fact she decided to call things based on my comment as she thought she may get hurt if she carried on with me.

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