My boyfriend has the urge to explore with other girls because he was a virgin before

[nf1000]

My boyfriend was a virgin when we met. we ended up falling in love and have been dating for over 6 months now and even live together. However, multiple times the issue has come up that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me but he has intense urges to explore and **** around because he found me too young (hes 21). It bothers the hell out of me because i don't look at other guys and it scares me that he might cheat. i thought about giving him a hall pass but i know that would ruin our relationship. he told me that if we ****** a lot and experimented in the bedroom he wouldn't think about it as much but we've been doing that and he still brings it up all the time it really makes me insecure that i can satisfy him enough so any advice?

[BDJ_1]

He's not ready for a relationship.

 

Its probably best for your sake that you are not in one with him.

[kendahke]

I wish I could tell you something positive, but I'm sorry. I can't.

 

If he's telling you that he feels he's missing out on experiencing other girls sexually, then consider yourself put on notice that him doing just that may not be out of the realm of possibility.

 

I think it's crappy of him to put it off on you doing or not doing something sexually instead of him owning that he's trying to outrun the ishtty feelings of having changed his mind about sex and needing a relationship with you in order to have it. Did he spring that one on you suddenly?

[spideywoman]

hiya. yea, you won't want to hear this but let him go. make a clean break _ not a hall pass, a clean break. you have a man who at 21 is mature enough to understand that he has needs and the interest to explore. further, he was honest about that to you. i might get slammed for this but in my opinion 21 is way too young to commit to a lifelong partnership, especially for a man.

 

if you manage to hold on to him and to stay in this relationship and even get married (it does sound like there's respect, a great foundation) years later cracks will show. take it from someone who is about 20 years older than you (i am guessing) _ i cannot tell you how many times i have seen couples who got together in their early 20s, were each other's only partners and barely had any other intimate experience, and their marriages have crumbled because of this. sure, some work, but usually not when one partner is already wanting "out," so to speak.

 

and you too, sweetie, will also benefit from this _ you're young. he may seem like the bees knees right now, but trust me, as you evolve as a person and as a woman, your perspective and your needs will change, too.

 

good luck. you have a full life ahead of you. enjoy every minute.

[smackie9]

This is typical of late bloomer male virgins....now that he has had sex, he has this new confidence that he is going to be this sex god with the ladies. Also first serious relationship, living together only after 6 months, 21 years old......things have gotten too real too fast....he wants to let that leash break so he can run free. He's not ready for such commitment. He's got some more livin to do before he settles down. LET HIM GO.

[nf1000]

This is typical of late bloomer male virgins....now that he has had sex, he has this new confidence that he is going to be this sex god with the ladies. Also first serious relationship, living together only after 6 months, 21 years old......things have gotten too real too fast....he wants to let that leash break so he can run free. He's not ready for such commitment. He's got some more livin to do before he settles down. LET HIM GO.

 

He's the one that pushed for us to move in though. i was living with my best friends and he practically got them to kick me out so that i would move in with him. So i don't think its fair to say he's not ready for such commitment when he's the one that fought for it so hard. He even bought me a promise ring so you can see how conflicted I am with these mixed messages.

[selinaluv]

I was around that age (20/21) and had a boyfriend essentially say the same thing to me. He was a virgin when we met and had a big crush me. He finally got me and after being together for a year told me that if he could get me, he felt like he could get anyone... and needed to try. I was dumbfounded.

 

He left and tried to do exactly that. He failed a lot. But you can't stop them if that's what they want.

[Buddhist]

Your boyfriend is young, he's going to have this mentality that there is something better out there. Don't bank on him marrying you anytime soon. He's just too young for that. Most guys take until their late 20's early 30's to get over the idea that the world is a candy store and they need to sample everything. It will take for him to get bored of chasing women before he is ready to marry. If I were you, I'd set him loose and find someone who's already done all their chasing to marry. It's really your only viable choice at this point in time.

 

Here's a tip to live by. Don't ever marry a guy who's got little relationship experience. They're basically idiots relationship-wise until they crash and burn at least 3-4 times. It takes a while before they realise that living by their egoistic desires isn't a great way to relate to other people. If you are serious about marrying find the guy who's already lost the love of his life and regrets it. That's the one who has learnt something about relationships. Otherwise they forever live in this Peter Pan state where they think the world is Disney-land and they're going to marry [insert name of hot famous chick here] and anyone else is settling.

Edited November 5, 2016 by Buddhist

[No_Go]

This is typical of late bloomer male virgins....now that he has had sex, he has this new confidence that he is going to be this sex god with the ladies. Also first serious relationship, living together only after 6 months, 21 years old......things have gotten too real too fast....he wants to let that leash break so he can run free. He's not ready for such commitment. He's got some more livin to do before he settles down. LET HIM GO.

 

How 21 is a late bloomer?

 

Otherwise it is probably true, my BF was a real late bloomer (don't know exactly but I was his 2nd at 37 and the 1st was a 1-2 weeks 'relationship') - he was overly enthusiastic respectively, he was never as explicit as OP's BF but I wouldn't be surprised if he had similar thoughts...

[preraph]

Listen to me. Do not agree to stay with him while he "explores." Please do not make excuses and be tolerant.

 

Yes, he is young and you are young, and YES, it's natural to want to explore. He was probably too scared to before he met you and now he's sharpened his claws on you, he wants to see if he can trade up! BUT he wants you to sit still for it and be faithful and wait for him.

 

Now, that is completely OUT OF THE QUESTION.

 

The time has come to break up with him and each date other people. I know this isn't what you want to hear. I know you hope maybe if you let him do it, he'll see it's not all it's cracked up to be and come back to you, but that is NOT what will happen.

 

What will happen is if you agree to hall passes or even continue having any relationship with him, including friendship during this, he will KNOW going forward that you will put up with any amount of philandering, and he will have no incentive to EVER be faithful and ironically, will lose all respect for you if you go along with it because if you do, it's that stupid of a move. Just imagine if you reversed the situation on him and asked him to just stay put and wait while you went looking for a better guy and having sex and exploring!@!@ Imagine! He would have a cow! Any man would have a cow! And any woman SHOULD have a cow when this is presented to her instead of crying and begging and losing their standards and boundaries and dignity -- and then having the guy downgrade her forever because of that.

 

You're young. You should both date other people and the time has come.

 

If you are smart, you will tell him this: Fine. Let's call it quits and both date other people. I guarantee you this will make his head explode, but even if he reconsiders, that is what you should do because now you know he wants to find a greener pasture, so he is not good enough for you -- and even if the main reason is he's young, if you let him get away with it now, he may be like this until the day he dies, thinking it's fine to cheat and hurt women.

 

Good luck. Be a woman now and not a little emotional girl.

[victoria88]

May I ask why you recommend the following:

 

"Don't ever marry a guy who's got little relationship experience. If you are serious about marrying find the guy who's already lost the love of his life and regrets it." ??????

 

Is everyone at the same opinion?

Don't you think it is not so great to hear until the rest of your life how much he loved some woman? I would feel bad to know that the man I have a relationship with (even just for a relationship) found the love of his life and it is NOT me.

 

I've always thought that the best is to marry the Love of Your Life (same for him, you must be the love of his life).

 

Correct me if I am wrong and if this is happening only in the movies...

[stillafool]

TBH, what he is feeling is normal. Let him go.

[stillafool]

He's the one that pushed for us to move in though. i was living with my best friends and he practically got them to kick me out so that i would move in with him. So i don't think its fair to say he's not ready for such commitment when he's the one that fought for it so hard. He even bought me a promise ring so you can see how conflicted I am with these mixed messages.

 

He probably thought if you two lived together he would be having swinging from the chandelier sex 24/7. Now he sees that is not the case he wants to experience sex with other women.

[elaine567]

May I ask why you recommend the following:

 

"Don't ever marry a guy who's got little relationship experience. If you are serious about marrying find the guy who's already lost the love of his life and regrets it." ??????

 

Is everyone at the same opinion?

 

The reason for that is that many young men come on here and bemoan the fact they have just lost their gf, but the truth of the matter is that they treated her so badly, that she had to leave him.

He admits he made her low priority, he drank too much, partied too much, he spent all his time hanging about with his friends, he was controlling and borderline abusive, he took her for granted, he never did anything nice for her, he was always eyeing up other women, he cheated on her... etc. etc.etc.

He is distraught, he has now lost the "love of his life" he WILL change, he WILL treat his next gf way better. ..and that is where you come in.

[Buddhist]

May I ask why you recommend the following:

 

"Don't ever marry a guy who's got little relationship experience. If you are serious about marrying find the guy who's already lost the love of his life and regrets it." ??????

 

The reason why I say this is because of two things....

 

- Everyone has many loves of their lives. These are simply people whom they regret their own actions for losing or ruining the relationship. It's one of life's great learning experiences that we can't undo our mistakes all the time.

 

- If someone has never regretted losing a relationship then they also aren't learning anything about relationships. They are of the opinion that they are perfect and anytime something goes amiss it must be someone else's fault. Do you really want to be in a relationship with that? I know I wouldn't. The truth is, people don't learn a thing until they lose out, then the learning begins. If you're in a relationship with someone who's never experienced consequences to their own actions they are typically of the opinion that their crap don't stink. Not good relationship candidates.

 

That's why I recommend that a marriageable person is one who's already experienced heartbreak through their own actions. They have learnt something about themselves and about relating to others and the outcome is typically a bit more humility and openness from them. They are more willing to invest in a relationship properly because they know the outcome of not doing that is to lose out. So if they are investing in you then you know, you are also a love of their life.

[preraph]

By the way the first thing he's going to say when you tell him OK, let's break up and we'll both date other people, is he's going to look sad like a puppy dog and say "I can't imagine never being with you again," because this is true. But he also can't imagine being faithful and staying with you his whole life because he has to explore, so don't take pity on him on that. Just say, "Hey, If you're dating, I'm dating, period."

[Els]

Ditch him. Then he can do whatever he wants, and you can find a guy who wants the same things you want (he doesn't).

 

No hall passes. We're not in some cheesy American Pie movie here. You deserve far better than that, and it's concerning that you're even thinking about that.

[thecrucible]

All I know is that men can be very simple when you really look closely. I know if a man is even contemplating sampling other women, he already has one foot out the door. He is in a phase of his life when he wants to get out there and explore. Let him go and do that but make sure he knows that you won't be waiting for him in case it isn't what he expects it to be. I think you should let him go completely. He'll need to get that urge out of his system before he can be long-term relationship material. Don't let him make your relationship into an open relationship. You deserve more than that and an open relationship will just mean that the end of the relationship is more drawn out.

[TheTraveler]

This is typical of late bloomer male virgins....now that he has had sex, he has this new confidence that he is going to be this sex god with the ladies. Also first serious relationship, living together only after 6 months, 21 years old......things have gotten too real too fast....he wants to let that leash break so he can run free. He's not ready for such commitment. He's got some more livin to do before he settles down. LET HIM GO.

 

Nothing more to add to this post.

[xxoo]

He's the one that pushed for us to move in though. i was living with my best friends and he practically got them to kick me out so that i would move in with him. So i don't think its fair to say he's not ready for such commitment when he's the one that fought for it so hard. He even bought me a promise ring so you can see how conflicted I am with these mixed messages.

 

I'm sure he'd love a relationship where he gets the benefits of a loyal girlfriend, and also gets to sleep with other women.

 

How does that sound to you?

 

There are no mixed messages here. He's been quite clear. You want a monogamous relationship....and he wants to explore with other girls.

[dreamingoftigers]

He's the one that pushed for us to move in though. i was living with my best friends and he practically got them to kick me out so that i would move in with him. So i don't think its fair to say he's not ready for such commitment when he's the one that fought for it so hard. He even bought me a promise ring so you can see how conflicted I am with these mixed messages.

 

Yeah. That's not fair at all. That's being a not committed jerk. He wants to play around and have YOU committed. It doesn't work that way.

 

I dated virgins before too. One was great. Two others got the "oh I got one woman, so now I am THE KING"stuff going on. Considering one of those was THIRTY THREE when we got together, he really just should have tried to be a little nicer TO ME, instead of seeing how many women he could stack up, which by the age of 37 (last I heard) was exactly ZERO more women. Nice.

 

Get a guy that's " all-in" and not just a FWB that wants to live with you.

[nf1000]

so i decided to show him this post and see his response. he started kinda tearing up saying how he felt like a total d-bag for putting me in that position. he said that he cant control his thoughts but he can control his actions and that he could never actually go through with cheating on me or leaving me. he said this made him realize how much he wants to be with me, etc. and that hes not looking at other girls. he then told me to delete this post because he didnt want people to tell him to break up with him. i almost believed him until he asked if i would ever be open to a threesome to "spice up the relationship" -_- considering ive invested so much emotionally, financially, etc. (even lost best friends), im having a lot of trouble with the thought of breaking up with him. is there any hope for our relationship? im really good at reading him and i can tell he would never actually cheat on me but i hate the idea that he'll continue to even think about other girls

[xxoo]

im really good at reading him and i can tell he would never actually cheat on me but i hate the idea that he'll continue to even think about other girls

 

It is the very rare person in a long term relationship who never even thinks about other people sexually. So that may be something you have to get over.

 

And maybe he needs to adjust his expectations, too, if he is conflicted and dissatisfied because he has thoughts of other girls sometimes.

 

However, he sounds more like he's fixated than just having passing thoughts. He has FOMO (fear of missing out), and it's interfering with his appreciation of what he has. And appreciation for what one has is THE secret to happiness, in a relationship or in life.

 

He'll probably figure all that out when he's older, and then it'll be too late.

[ExpatInItaly]

so i decided to show him this post and see his response. he started kinda tearing up saying how he felt like a total d-bag for putting me in that position. he said that he cant control his thoughts but he can control his actions and that he could never actually go through with cheating on me or leaving me. he said this made him realize how much he wants to be with me, etc. and that hes not looking at other girls. he then told me to delete this post because he didnt want people to tell him to break up with him. i almost believed him until he asked if i would ever be open to a threesome to "spice up the relationship" -_- considering ive invested so much emotionally, financially, etc. (even lost best friends), im having a lot of trouble with the thought of breaking up with him. is there any hope for our relationship? im really good at reading him and i can tell he would never actually cheat on me but i hate the idea that he'll continue to even think about other girls

 

Not really, no. He isn't ready to commit to just you. Sorry to say girl, but you are going to get hurt.

 

On another note, why have you invested so much financially? Why have you lost best friends over this? What's the story with this guy? I have a feeling there is lot more you didn't include in your post that would paint a more complete picture. Something doesn't sound right here.

[nf1000]

Not really, no. He isn't ready to commit to just you. Sorry to say girl, but you are going to get hurt.

 

On another note, why have you invested so much financially? Why have you lost best friends over this? What's the story with this guy? I have a feeling there is lot more you didn't include in your post that would paint a more complete picture. Something doesn't sound right here.

when we met he was at a really rough place in life (no job, cut off by family, not going to school etc.)so i helped him get back on his feet we got a him a job, rekindled ties with family, etc but that meant i had to help him a little financially (ik i didnt really think it through im only 19 and still learning, thought i could help him, etc). as far as losing best friends i was living with them and they didnt get along with boyfriend because they thought we was controlling me (im just a pretty passive person so it came off worse than it was and they were just trying to protect me). boyfriend pushed for me to move in with him and friends didnt like him and it just kinda blew up to the point where i had to pick sides which i had trouble doing. my friends also started to screw me over with money through our rent and stuff and i eventually ended up getting kinda kicked out by them so had to pick boyfriend. its hard to explain the whole story because its been a very complex and unique one. i know i love him and i know he love me and is super grateful that i helped him start his life and stuff but i think thats why it bothers me so much that hes still looking at other girls.