Jump to content

Asked a guy out to coffee, now what?


mavendark

Recommended Posts

For the first time ever in my life, I musted up courage and asked a guy out for coffee. I'm pretty sure it was obvious to him that I was nervous when I was asking him out, I was stumbling over my words a lot. He was a teacher's aid at my software engineering bootcamp and it was his last day of work so I said something to the sort "I've been so busy working on my projects that I didn't get to talk to you as much as I'd like, would you like to have coffee with me? I'd like to pick your brain about some stuff..."

 

So I'm afraid I framed it more like a networking coffee meet up rather than a "feeling out the waters" coffee date. Now I don't know how to act around him when I'm getting coffee with him. I've been on plenty of dates before and I know how to act in a date situation, but I'm afraid that he thinks it's a networking thing? I pretty much only had like a couple of conversations with him before all this so I don't know much about him. I don't want to push it and be on full blown date mode, but if I reel that back I'm afraid it will look like a networking thing.

 

I was pretty sure that he's single before I asked him, but do you think it's appropriate to just ask him if he's single at the end of this coffee thing and then follow up and ask him for drinks?

 

Also, this guy is like one of THE most handsomest men I've ever talked to, so I'm super nervous too! :sick::sick:

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Relax. Start by talking about nerdy stuff (i'm a techie myself) and slowly move into more personal stuff. If all goes well, by the end, ask him if he'd be interesting in meeting up again w/o the techie stuff involved. :-)

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
mortensorchid

If you want to date him, start off when you're at the coffee shop talking about the tech stuff then attempt to talk about personal stuff. If you can flirt, do so, then see how he reacts. If he's cold, you have your answer.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Love it, mavendark!! I know you're nervous, but imagine if you didn't ask him out. It was his last day and he would be gone forever if you didn't. So being bold has paid off so far. I personally hate the expression "you're playing with house money," but think of it as if you're playing with house money right now. You have nothing to lose and can only gain.

 

Hope it works out. We expect updates :)

 

Edit: regarding the question about being single, I probably wouldn't ask. I think that part is usually figured out organically. But then again, don't go in to this thinking there are rules. There are no rules so forget trying to script out a structured conversation with this guy when you see him. It might actually make sense at the moment to ask if he is single.

Edited by S_A
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
If you want to date him, start off when you're at the coffee shop talking about the tech stuff then attempt to talk about personal stuff. If you can flirt, do so, then see how he reacts. If he's cold, you have your answer.

 

I'm afraid that I won't be able to flirt that much when I'm so nervous haha!!

 

Also, the way my schedule works out on the day of meeting him is that I am going to be in school until 11am, and then I a break and have to get back to school at 1:30pm. I'm supposed to meet him in between for coffee, but that coincides perfectly with lunchtime. Should I suggest lunch instead, or keep it at coffee, and then grab some lunch (on my own) on the way back to school?

 

Love it, mavendark!! I know you're nervous, but imagine if you didn't ask him out. It was his last day and he would be gone forever if you didn't. So being bold has paid off so far. I personally hate the expression "you're playing with house money," but think of it as if you're playing with house money right now. You have nothing to lose and can only gain.

 

Hope it works out. We expect updates :)

 

Edit: regarding the question about being single, I probably wouldn't ask. I think that part is usually figured out organically. But then again, don't go in to this thinking there are rules. There are no rules so forget trying to script out a structured conversation with this guy when you see him. It might actually make sense at the moment to ask if he is single.

 

Aww thanks! That's exactly what I was thinking, I've got nothing to lose and it was his last day anyway. If he leaves, I'll never talk to him again; but if I ask him out, I can secure seeing him at least one more time outside of school.

 

I'll keep you guys updated :)

Edited by mavendark
Link to post
Share on other sites

I love that you asked him out!

I have asked men out before myself. That is how my 14 year RS began.

 

Nerves - are you both of legal drinking age?

Know a Tapas bar?

 

I hate coffee dates - too much caffeine in coffee shops and caffeine creates stress.

I'd suggest Tapas and a beer/wine instead if I were you.

You get to eat, have one drink to help relax rather than a high caffeine coffee hit and Tapas is fun too!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I love that you asked him out!

I have asked men out before myself. That is how my 14 year RS began.

 

Nerves - are you both of legal drinking age?

Know a Tapas bar?

 

I hate coffee dates - too much caffeine in coffee shops and caffeine creates stress.

I'd suggest Tapas and a beer/wine instead if I were you.

You get to eat, have one drink to help relax rather than a high caffeine coffee hit and Tapas is fun too!

 

Yeah we're both of legal drinking age... I was recommended to ask him out for coffee because it's a good "feeler" date and is not too official date-ish in case he's not interested or if he interprets it as a networking thing.

 

I was thinking of asking him out for drinks if this coffee thing goes well... we can't really go for drinks because of my work schedule (like I mentioned above, I have work from morning til 11am, and gotta continue work from 1:30pm to 9pm.)

 

But for sure... the caffeine thing you mentioned has occurred to me too, I'll be SOOOO jittery and nervous if i drink coffee...

Link to post
Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh

So you asked him out and was nervous. OK fine. He was asked out by a woman and no doubt he was just as nervous being asked out rather then he asking a girl out so your probably both in the same boat and I wouldn't worry about it. Just be you and have fun. Hope it works out for you.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Okay, so I went out with him to coffee. I (somehow) managed to calm myself down beforehand and we had a pretty good time. (It wasn't awkward at least). Conversation flowed really smoothly and I felt like we didn't get enough time to talk about all the things I wanted to talk about (we took about 1.5 hour for this coffee date).

 

I wasn't super flirtatious but we weren't only talking about tech stuff (we talked about our backgrounds and dogs!)

 

Not sure what to do now... i already made the first step to ask him for coffee and we didn't mention a second "date". (He did mention he'll take me to visit his school sometime...) He's coming over to my school to celebrate our 'graduation' this friday, so he told me he'll see me this Friday.

 

Usually I text back the person later in the day after the date to say thanks for coffee/date, had a good time, etc. But since I already asked him out this first time for coffee, should I not bother asking him out again? I wanted to ask him out for drinks if this coffee thing went well...

Link to post
Share on other sites
Okay, so I went out with him to coffee. I (somehow) managed to calm myself down beforehand and we had a pretty good time. (It wasn't awkward at least). Conversation flowed really smoothly and I felt like we didn't get enough time to talk about all the things I wanted to talk about (we took about 1.5 hour for this coffee date).

 

I wasn't super flirtatious but we weren't only talking about tech stuff (we talked about our backgrounds and dogs!)

 

Not sure what to do now... i already made the first step to ask him for coffee and we didn't mention a second "date". (He did mention he'll take me to visit his school sometime...) He's coming over to my school to celebrate our 'graduation' this friday, so he told me he'll see me this Friday.

 

Usually I text back the person later in the day after the date to say thanks for coffee/date, had a good time, etc. But since I already asked him out this first time for coffee, should I not bother asking him out again? I wanted to ask him out for drinks if this coffee thing went well...

 

No let him contact you!

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...
  • Author

UPDATE FOR THOSE WHO ARE INTERESTED--

 

I've been wracking my brain over this in the last week and need some advice to knock some sense into me. The logical half of me is saying "no, this guy is obviously not interested", the non-logical impulsive and silly half of me is reading into the signs and thinking he is interested just a teeny bit.

 

Two weeks ago, I asked a guy out for coffee on his last day of work at my job (he was quitting). He enthusiastically agreed, I got his number, and before the end of that day, he reminded me two additional times about the coffee date asking me if we were still doing it, asking me to let him know when to meet, etc.

 

We went out for coffee, conversation flowed very smoothly (but then again, he's a very talkative guy). We talked for 1.5 hr and I still felt we didn't talk enough. Because I knew him from a professional environment we talked a lot about our work, people at work, and our backgrounds. I wasn't overly flirtatious because I also wasn't sure whether this was a networking coffee date or a real coffee date. He offered to take me to check out his school (we graduated from sister schools, sort of). At the end of the conversation we were talking about authentic Chinese food places and he recommended me this restaurant that he really liked. Wasn't sure if I was supposed to pick up the hint and asked him to go with me? (but I didn't.)

 

I texted him that night thanking him for grabbing coffee with me, his response was "Pleasure was all mine!" and he asked me a question about my day at work. I tried to continue the texting, but talking to him over text is like talking to a dead fish. It's really hard because it comes off as he isn't interested in texting me. Not to mention, the day after our coffee date (while we were texting) he was starting a brand new job, so I figured he was just super busy with his job. Logical side of me is thinking he's just not interested, if he is he would text me. However, in a conversation we had later on after this, he tells me he's really bad with texting. Illogical side of me then thinks - okay, maybe he's just really bad with texting.

 

Then things got confusing - our old workplace had a party the Saturday after our Monday coffee date that week. We stopped texting that Tuesday night. He was invited, and I was invited. We all marked that we were going on FB. Then I wake up Saturday morning to a text from him "Are you going to the party tonight?" Illogical side of me is thinking - Why does it matter if I'm going or not? He knows EVERYONE at the party already. Why does he need to ask me if I'm going?

 

I go to the party, and pretty much make it very obvious that I'm interested in him. Within 30 min of arriving, I went to go talk to him (one on one). Within 20 min of talking to him, he invited me to his happy hour the next friday at work. But as he invited me to his happy hour, he said "yeah, i invited a friend last week, we can bring a +1 to our happy hours." Logical side of me is thinking - he's only inviting me as a friend, otherwise why would he say the disclaimer?

 

I left halfway through the party to get food, I told him I'd be back. At this point, he's drunk, but very composed drunk not crazy. As I was out getting food, I texted him asking him if he wanted food, he said no, so I told him I'll be coming back soon. Half an hour later, I wasn't back yet, and I got a text from him "Are you coming?" Illogical side of me is thinking - Why would he ask me if I'm coming back to the party if I didn't matter?

 

At the end of the night we were leaving our friend's apartment where the party was hosted, and decided to walk around outside at night to another bar or just around the lake. Before we left the apartment, in his drunken state, he said he was just going to follow me around because I was the most sober one. Our whole group of people ended up walking around a lot deciding what to do next. Me and him walked at the back with one other guy, really far apart from the rest of the group.

 

And I felt like we had some moments, but maybe I'm delusional about that too. Like he would ask to lean on me and put his arm around my shoulders for a bit, or I would make fun of how he was so wobbly from being drunk. Occasionally he would just hug me over something he'd say. The weirdest part at the end of the night was that he had to go home and he kept saying he'll call Lyft "once we stopped walking". But we were just wandering pointlessly with no place in mind, so he could've just called a Lyft anywhere/anytime and gone home. He wasn't talking to any other people in the group either, it was just me and this other guy.

 

After an hour+ of aimless wandering, we finally decided to go home and I was carpooling home with another friend (male, we live in the same town). Guy I was interested saw that the pricing for a Lyft was 70$. So my friend offered to drive him back to our town and have him stay over at his place. He agreed. I thought this was EXTREMELY weird because he lived 50+ miles away from us in the opposite direction. Why would he want to drive home with us and then take public transit home the next day? It was weird. He's not a poor guy, has a 6 figure+ job. All my friends think that it was weird and said that because of this he might've been a teensy more interested in spending more time with me.

 

We drove 50min back home, ate together (with my other guy friend too), and said bye (had a lingering hug). I told him to let me know about this coming Friday for the happy hour thing. The next morning, he texts me, and apologizes for being as drunk as he was last night.

 

A week passes and I don't hear from him about Friday. I texted him to ask him about Friday on Thursday night, at 9pm (because I need to know whether I need to stay in the area or if I could make other plans). He didn't text me back until Friday 11am saying "let me check if it's still happening, things have been crazy at work". At that point I was kind of giving up on this whole thing. He then texted me back at like 4pm saying tonight is a no go, maybe you can do another friday? and I responded back with maybe, just let me know.

 

OKAY. THAT'S IT. I just wanted to get all this out rather than do something super silly like continue to force this. I truly truly believe that he is incredibly busy with his new job (it's been only 2 weeks since he started), and he told me he's in meetings a lot, he's also managing a team. But if he's a little into me, I also think that you would at least try just a little bit. Again, logical side of me is saying he's not interested at all. The other side of me is so so so itching to ask him out again to grab chinese food or to grab drinks on another day. Should I? Or should I let it be? He's in my network (in terms of working in the industry and coming from sister schools, so don't want to burn this professional bridge either, but also perhaps he's doing the same thing by letting me off easy and not burning any bridges...?)

Edited by mavendark
Link to post
Share on other sites

Well what is he supposed to think if you don't make it really really obvious that you are into him. There are guys that will not make any kind of move or put themselves out there if the girl is not receptive...some guys just don't have the confidence.

 

A guy just doesn't go out with a girl for s hits and giggles, guys (most) only invest their time in someone they have an interest in.

You had plenty of opportunity to flirt at that coffee date and make it more fun. You had plenty of time to reciprocate his subtle advances at the party....like grab his hand, look into his eyes and smile.

 

It maybe hard to swallow but sometime you have to work for it...not every guy will have the ballz to step up and ask you out.

 

CALL him not text, and have a conversation with him when he is off work. Make the suggestion that you would like to go out for dinner, or at least hint or something.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Now you do nothing. He's not interested. Stop focusing on the tiny things you think mean something (texting you while drunk to ask if you're returning to a party? Seriously?) and look at what he isn't doing. He isn't keeping in touch with you via message or call to build momentum, see how you are, learn about your life and your day, he isn't asking you out on and then taking you on dates, there's literally no indication he's into you, and if he was he's had enough positive signals to feel able to pursue even if he's painfully shy (which you say he isn't).

 

You asked him out, then he didn't try see you again, you didn't see him until you both happened to be at the same event. Then he made a half arsed suggestion about you going to his happy hour (at his convenience, with others around, so not a date) and then blew you off at the last minute. And he's not suggested an alternative day or time to meet.

 

I know you like him but trust me, he doesn't like you. Focus on dating others to get your mind off this guy, you're wasting your time sorry. It sucks but you can't make someone want you. We've all been there.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

He likes you but he is behaving as a friend. An attractive guy who has had some encouragement would have an idea how to take it further if he wanted to. It could be that he is actually quite shy about women, despite his good looks, but I am thinking he is just being a friend.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm not sure if he doesn't like you.

It sounds like maybe he's not very good at making a move.

Did you do anything to move it along at any stage? Put your head on his shoulder, gaze into his eyes, etc?

 

I assume he went 50 miles in the wrong direction in the hope that something might happen, but probably didn't get the chance with others about.

Also sounded like more of the same earlier with that one guy playing gooseberry.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Now you do nothing. He's not interested. Stop focusing on the tiny things you think mean something (texting you while drunk to ask if you're returning to a party? Seriously?) and look at what he isn't doing. He isn't keeping in touch with you via message or call to build momentum, see how you are, learn about your life and your day, he isn't asking you out on and then taking you on dates, there's literally no indication he's into you, and if he was he's had enough positive signals to feel able to pursue even if he's painfully shy (which you say he isn't).

 

You asked him out, then he didn't try see you again, you didn't see him until you both happened to be at the same event. Then he made a half arsed suggestion about you going to his happy hour (at his convenience, with others around, so not a date) and then blew you off at the last minute. And he's not suggested an alternative day or time to meet.

 

I know you like him but trust me, he doesn't like you. Focus on dating others to get your mind off this guy, you're wasting your time sorry. It sucks but you can't make someone want you. We've all been there.

 

Thank you!!! Really needed these words...

 

 

I'm not sure if he doesn't like you.

It sounds like maybe he's not very good at making a move.

Did you do anything to move it along at any stage? Put your head on his shoulder, gaze into his eyes, etc?

 

I assume he went 50 miles in the wrong direction in the hope that something might happen, but probably didn't get the chance with others about.

Also sounded like more of the same earlier with that one guy playing gooseberry.

 

I think I definitely shot myself in the foot here by not doing that much to move it along. I was pretty flirtatious and was always touching him and stuff, but didn't go any further than that. Not to mention, there was always someone around us (one other person)...

 

Well this was a lesson learned! Gotta learn to let it go now and probably give more signals next time haha :p

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
mortensorchid

I'm sorry it went the way it did, he's not interested in you that way. He might be a friend but nothing else. I use my example of the hot math teacher all the time - I asked if he wanted to hang out via text, he texted back simply "I am not interested in you romantically." I adjusted my cuffs and said "Well love makes you fat, doesn't it?" Erased his number, no contact since. Lesson learned. And you did as well.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...