new boyfriend still in grieving process of his ex

[hanksandbubbles]

well..it's almost been a month for me and my boyfriend...in the past month, our bond has strenthened, trust has developed, and comfort is no longer an issue.

Last night, we had our first "serious moment". It was a moment where we could look into each other's eyes and disperse our life secrets. And this is where the story starts. He admitted to me that he still smokes to cope with the loss of his ex-gf. This girl, who dated him for 15 months and planned on moving out with him, suddenly chews him out emotionally and leaves him without an explanation. My boyfriend has had no contact with her since Jan 4. The first thing that popped into my mind was the rebound situation. Well, i'm 90% sure that i'm not, as this relationship was not forced...it kinda naturally happened. i asked him numerous times and he said that i wasn't..so i believe him. We both started getting really emotional. I asked him that if she came back into his life, would he take her back. He said no, however my heart cannot believe his claim. Although things are going really well for us (everything is progressing wonderfully), now that this bombshell has been dropped..i'm kinda left in the dirt. We both really care about each other, however I feel as if i'm second fiddle in his heart. So..after all this mindless rambling..my question is..for anyone that has been involved with someone who recently came out of a serious relationship, have this relationships lasted for you? Is it possible to go through the grieving process with your significant other and come out with a stronger bond? I've decided to stay in the relationship as he is the greatest guy that i have ever met. But still...they doubts linger.

[ReluctantRomeo]

I've been in your boyfriend's position. And the new girl became the most serious relationship of my life. So it *can* work.

 

But do be careful - for every story like mine, there are 10 rebounds.

[Illusion24]

I broke up with my ex of 2 years and my bf broke up with his ex of 1.5 and a week later we both met...We didn't plan it or make it happen...It happened on it's own!! We found comfort in each other and realized we were miserable in our past relationship and talked about the things we liked and didn't liked...It helped us realize that we were both looking for the same kind of relationship...We've been together for 8 months now and like every relationship we have our problems but for the most part it's great...

 

We don't see each other as a rebound, we see our ex's as a learning experience and made us realize the things we DON'T want in a relationship...I don't even think about my ex and neither does he...The past is the past and that's where it should stay...If you start to thinking about his past it's going to mess up your relationship...What you have to think about is that he's with you now and that's what matters...Yes he may have a broken heart and miss certain aspects of her but I'm sure it's just the time they were together...Don't get confused with his feelings now and then...Time heals all wounds...My healed slowly and my bf helped me...Help him realize that he's got a good girl and she wasn't half the woman you are

[Donut]

As long as he's not constantly talking about her, or bringing it up all the time I'd say don't worry too much about it. He may still be confused (understandably) by what happened with her, but don't let that be the foundation of your relationship with him. Just take things slow and enjoy spending time with each other.

 

We all have a past and learn from it.

[prisoner]

get him to quit. see there is something about the smoking that he ios using asaway to remind him of her. do the detective work if you want to stay together.

 

did she smoke? did he quit when they met and hea started after they broke up and now he is being himself? what is it about her that caused him to quit the self destruction that is smoking or was it the other way around. etcetera.

 

a man once said: the devil is in the details.

 

it can work. you just have a long way to go. knowing that now will make it easier later.

 

I had a life with someone who had been involved and then engaged and then we were together after it was over. It took along time to get to the point where we were beyond the rebound stage and in to there being just the two of us. I swear exes can be like ghosts for some people.

 

make sure he is not one of the haunted ones. oh and there has to be a reason she went nuts and just up and left. was she hiding something? does he feel betrayed? if so beware.

 

all men feel betrayed already. twice and they need nurturing. if they donot get the right amounts they are a powder keg.

[upsetnhurt]

I am the opposite of these posters and the very fact that he is telling you that there is still some unresolved emotional baggage left from his past relationship should be indication enough that you should slow down...............I dated a woman a month after she dumped her ex of 4 years and it was great for a year although there were instances that she got extremely emotional and sad. Unfortunately she never could give herself completely to me as she would continually compare every facet of our relationship to her past in her mind. It became impossible to please her or to win her heart............ In the end she broke up with me citing that although she realized that I was the best man she has ever met in her life she just could not catch up in terms of her heart. We went to a therapy session once together prior to the breakup and the therapist pleaded for us to take six months off from eachother and then see what happens.....we laughed and said it was impossible as we wanted to spend every moment with eachother. I look back now and realize his intent for telling us that and we should have followed his advice. If it is meant to be between yourselves then it will be.......isn't it better to know that you both are stable and capable of fully loving eachother instead of always wondering what he is thinking...............if you don't stop now you risk being the rebound and unfortunately if you are and it does not work you will never have a second chance with him and on top of it will have quite a heartbreak.

[KissMyTiara]

It's one thing if the relationship fizzles out and as soon as it's officially over you *move in* on him.

 

It's quite another when the relationship is snatched away from him, with no warning (though I doubt that), and he's being "b!itched at" and his heart is broken. THAT is the epitome of a rebound.

 

While the former can evolve into a stable relationship, the latter rarely really works. For now, you're really just a band-aid.

[XNemesisX]

I am going to have to agree that you may just be a band-aid right now

 

I say this from personal experience. I have been on your boyfriends side of the story and no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't shake the thought of the ex. It helped to have someone there for a while but in the end I knew I just couldn't give a new guy my heart yet. It was still invested in my ex and it wasn't fair to the new guy at all.

 

I'm sure there is a chance that you and him will make it...but at this point I will say your chances of that happening are about 1 in a 100. My best friend has this friend who actually married a guy who said the same thing that your boyfriend said to you while they were dating. His girlfriend left him out of the blue and I don't think he ever got over it. Well, he married the "new girl" and now, 2 years later, they are divorcing. What for? Over him (still) having feelings for his ex and still thinking about her.

 

BE CAREFUL! I know you really like him and there is no way for you to know if he will be able to love you completely and I'm sure you want to give it a chance. Just know that a MAJOR heartbreak could be in store for you later on down the road. I'm so sorry

[hanksandbubbles]

hey everyone..and thanks for all your replies

right now, about 50% of people say that it can work and the other 50% say that i am the rebound. I know that if my boyfriend and I were meant to be together, then everything will work out. My aunt actually told me a story that her friend met her now "soulmate" 6 months after his divorce. She was there to help him cope..and eventually they ended up being together.

But still, I do have an extreme amount of caution now. I always did. And no, he never talks about his ex..it was just this "moment" in which we felt like we could tell each other all our secrets and problems.

I actually feel a bit closer to him now. For the first time he sent me a text saying "miss you", and he seems eager to see me, though it's difficult due to our super busy schedules.

Though I know that I may be in for a potentially HUGE heartbreak, I also know that I might also be losing out on something that could turn out to be the best thing that happened in my life. If he goes back to this girl (they do not have communication anymore..THANK GOD) then perhaps he wasn't the one meant for me..and then there are plenty of other guys out there.

Thanks again everyone for your replies...hearing about your experiences have made me more cautious and have also given me hope that maybe this can be for the best.

[upsetnhurt]

What makes you think he doesn't have any communication with this other person? Life is full of wonderful people.........why wouldn't you hold out to start something wonderful with someone who is 100% capable of taking it to the next level with you. Why compromise and settle? It is called laziness and short-sightedness.....he is the easier of the two challenges...being that he already has a piece of your heart and is offering you the same. Best of luck to you yet something tells me we will be consoling you a few months down the road..........and then you will have a long recovery period subsequently!

[blackendangel13]

I am kind of at a toss-up on this one. I see everyone's point that you could be the rebound, but I was in a similar situation as the boyfriends. I was with my ex for a year and a half and thought for sure he was the one. He treated me poorly and I eventually walked away. I had seen my current boyfriend out in my scene many times and just thought he was cute. I was single for 4 months before we hooked up. Now as far as thinking about the ex and past relationships, yes I do it. I think back on what went wrong so I can be a better person. I do miss some things about it but do not miss him or wish that I could be back with him. Basically he could never be the person my boyfriend now is or treat me as well as he does. I don't miss what we had per-se, it was just a really big part of my life and change affects everyone differently. Its probably more of a wounded pride issue than a wounded heart issue. As long as he isn't wallowing and comparing the two of you the only thing you can do is let it ride and time will tell. Relationships are funny like that.

[Love2share]

You shouldl definately consider the fact that your BF may not have told you everything about the XGF. She could have had a good reason for leaving him so suddenly. I had an XBF whom I dumped because I discovered he had been cheating on me. I was very angry and dumped him over the phone, but we hadn't officially broke up until a month later. During that time, he had begun dating someone else. I assume he was telling her terrible things about me and how I dumped him for no reason. It made her feel like the BETTER women because he was with her. However, he obviously didn't tell her that he was trying to get me back and that I didn't want him.

 

A few months later, they got married. The last I heard of him, they are now divorced.

 

My advice to you is to definately take it slow. You said that your relationship hasn't been rushed, but according to the time line you gave, it is in deed a bit rushed. If he is telling you anything about his terrible XGF who left him for no reason, he is not OVER her, despite what he says.

 

When people are truly in love, they need time to heal before entering a new relationship. In a lot of cases, they don't even want to risk getting their heart broken again by anyone else. The new person could very well be the soul mate. That is more reaon to take things slow. I also had an XBF who rushed me into being in love with him. I later found out that he had an XGF whom he was still not OVER yet. I was just the rebound chic. Our relationship ended after over a year of dating and me planning to move in with him, when the XGF came back and was willing to give him another chance. Before that, my XBF had told me he would never leave me for his XGF. Actions speak louder than words.

 

He may be telling you that he's OVER the XGF. And his intentions are probably good. But you need to give him time, even if he doesn't want it, to make sure. Don't allow him to rush you into anything too serious. Let him know that you respect whatever he is feeling for the XGF rather it be anger or love. He definately feels something for her, otherwise, he would not have shared anything about her with you. Give yourself enough time to be convinced that he's OVER her. When you are convinced, then there won't be anything for you to post about ;-)